AH being discharged

Old 10-26-2014, 01:27 PM
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AH being discharged

My AH is being discharged from rehab on Wednesday. Is it normal that I have mixed emotions? Part of me is happy that he is coming home. The other part of me is scared. The unknown is what scares me. I am working my steps as hard as I can but just can't get the "fear of the unknown" out of my head.

The rehab facility actually transports their patients to and from the facility. They are driving my AH back home...but he has asked them to deliver him to the detox facility that treated him. He told me he wants to walk in there and tell them all thank you for helping save his life. I am scheduled to pick him up from the detox facility.

Anyone want to offer ESH to me for the first day he is back home?
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:38 PM
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I would say fear of the unknown is normal. He is almost certainly feeling it too. Perhaps you don't have to put it out of your head. I find mindfulness meditation an absolute gift for when my SO is newly out of rehab. Also, bear in mind his life is not saved yet. There is a very very very long journey ahead for both of you and relapses are almost certainly part of it.

I would say also bear in mind that it will be al several months before he gets his head back together so don't push for deep talks unless he initiates or it is absolutely vital. You will both need space to process and to be with yourselves. I found it helpful to tell him that and to take the pressure off by saying I didn't know how to handle it either. Long walks together up hills helped us spend time together without pressure.

Baby steps, open non-judgemental communication and plenty of space, not interfering in or asking questions about each other's recovery but rather each volunteering what we were ready to share.

Most importantly, let yourself feel what you are feeling. It's helpful to get to know your own needs. Seriously, mindfulness meditation has helped me all three times he's done rehab.
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:39 PM
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Thank you so much!!
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:43 PM
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I felt the exact same way you are feeling. I wasn't ready for my AAH to come home from rehab either. It's a surreal experience, even more so (for me) than the two days when I found out his secret addiction and then ended up driving him to rehab the next day...it's a scary ordeal. You might want some answers, but you're not going to get them yet. You might want to discuss your pain and how his actions have hurt you, but that might be better left for down the road. I don't know if you and your husband are religious at all, but my AAH wasn't beforehand, and since he has come home, we have worked in church together 4 times a week because he is trying very hard to form a relationship with his Higher Power, whom he calls God. At first, I was hard on him and suspicious, but after beginning to work y own program and simply attending church, marriage counseling by a specialist in addiction, and one open AA meeting with him every week, we are making it through in our own ways. Remember, it's progress, not perfection and all you can do is love him right now. Set your boundaries of what you will, and will not live with, then work on yourself and just love him. You can't control his actions, but you can live your life on YOUR terms. I have realized that when I stopped trying to control my AAH, fighting with him, judging him and blaming him, things started to right themselves. He has fallen a couple of times, but came to me honestly and I listened without judging or yelling in anger, which gave him confidence to be more honest with me (as far as I know) and he has been more open to talk to me when he is struggling. Of course, it took 2 years and him finally deciding ON HIS OWN that he no longer wanted to let a chemical run his life. Prayers to you and your husband!
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by lonelynn View Post
I felt the exact same way you are feeling. I wasn't ready for my AAH to come home from rehab either. It's a surreal experience, even more so (for me) than the two days when I found out his secret addiction and then ended up driving him to rehab the next day...it's a scary ordeal. You might want some answers, but you're not going to get them yet. You might want to discuss your pain and how his actions have hurt you, but that might be better left for down the road. I don't know if you and your husband are religious at all, but my AAH wasn't beforehand, and since he has come home, we have worked in church together 4 times a week because he is trying very hard to form a relationship with his Higher Power, whom he calls God. At first, I was hard on him and suspicious, but after beginning to work y own program and simply attending church, marriage counseling by a specialist in addiction, and one open AA meeting with him every week, we are making it through in our own ways. Remember, it's progress, not perfection and all you can do is love him right now. Set your boundaries of what you will, and will not live with, then work on yourself and just love him. You can't control his actions, but you can live your life on YOUR terms. I have realized that when I stopped trying to control my AAH, fighting with him, judging him and blaming him, things started to right themselves. He has fallen a couple of times, but came to me honestly and I listened without judging or yelling in anger, which gave him confidence to be more honest with me (as far as I know) and he has been more open to talk to me when he is struggling. Of course, it took 2 years and him finally deciding ON HIS OWN that he no longer wanted to let a chemical run his life. Prayers to you and your husband!
It is interesting that you mentioned us being religious. In fact, we are. We are Catholic. Four years ago, my AH decided he didn't like our new priest and quit going to Mass. I continued to go from time to time but was not faithful. One night last week when he called from rehab, he told me that he had discovered something that was missing from his life. I asked him what that was and he replied, "Church". He said, "we have got to get back to Church". I agreed with him. He is willing to go to our Church here but would rather go to a different one that is quite a drive. I am willing to go where ever he chooses. In fact, I look forward to it. I see it as a time for us to talk and heal.

He has gone to detox twice before but came home after 48 hours. This is the very first time he has done the entire 30 days. I have immersed myself in reading and working the steps. I am cautiously optimistic that he can maintain his sobriety. I will allow his actions to speak for him and will also do everything I can to support him.
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Old 10-26-2014, 06:29 PM
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My advice is to have no expectations and know that at least for me, working my own side of the street was MUCH easier when he was away. My RAH has been home from rehab for about a month and a half and there are days where I feel far, far worse off than him. He is returning to that place of rediscovering the confident, happy, hilariously funny man he was before alcoholism got its claws in. For myself, growing up an A father, I never developed a true sense of self. I was just an amalgamation of the hurtful things that others said and did to me which I internalized and led me to believe I was not worth it. And that is where I am today. Really struggling against that.

Church does help. Immensely. Our pastor has been an absolute rock for both of us, and is the only place other than on my yoga mat, that I try feel safe.
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Old 10-27-2014, 06:51 AM
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I don't know the answers, but I think it's great that he wants to go back and thank the detox people. Gratitude is good for the soul.
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