nut_meg

I got a letter in the mail yesterday from my A/father. It was the most hurtful pile of crap I have ever read. I cried for hours. My first intinct was to write back with all my anger and hurt him as much as he hurt me but I decided to wait and go to my meeting tonight and talk to you guys. I think I want to cut him out of my life outright but I don't want to be too rash and make a choice I might regret.
I am feeling so hurt at the moment and I can't see beyond that.
Meg

Pickle

Hi,

Just returned from a trip and it is so good to be home.

Please don't take this letter to heart. You are obviously more mature than your father. Until your father attains sobriety he is not going to be responsible for anything. As an "A" I always had to blame other people for my problems. Your father hasn't found out that he is the problem.

It is okay to put him out of your life. It was so hard when I had to let go of my mother. She caused so many upsets in our family, I eventually had a stroke.

Dry your tears and realize that you are dealing with a two-year old. Time out!

Love, Pickle

smoke gets in my eyes

Hi Meg!

Do not measure yourself with an addict's yardstick. It's warped.

Love,
Smoke

Ex-enabler

Aren't wormholes just straight lines thru bent duckspacetime?

Ann

Nutmeg

Try setting some boundaries, if you choose to stay in touch with him.

I have a boundary with my addict son...I will talk as long as he likes about anything he likes BUT as soon as the attitude sets in, or the decibels rise above sonic boom level, or it becomes argumentative to the point of nastiness or anger...THE CONVERSATION IS OVER...no matter how important it may be. I agree to come back to it some other time after we have both cooled off and are ready to "talk nicely". I stop on the spot and, if necessary leave the room or go home or whatever it takes to make some space.

I got tired of hurting, crying, feeling the lack of respect, and decided that the above boundary was healthy and fair to both of us.

Good Luck

Hugs

Ann

Sasha

Ann, I hear you (and you didn't even have to yell). I'm a very soft-spoken person and I am not comfortable with people yelling, interrupting me to pick fights about what they think I was about to say, etc. This yelling-interrupting-rudeness thing was the first boundary I ever set with my A/boyfriend. It was a challenge to learn to set boundaries and to enforce them. I can't describe how liberating it is though.

Meg, with regard to cutting your father out of your life...sometimes you have to that but that is a decision only you can make. I recently had to cut an uncle out of my life because he had been trying for many years to seduce me sexually. That was a situation where someone made repeated attempts to violate my boundaries. I reached a point where I was so fed up and disgusted with him that I just wanted him out of my life. Period.

firefly

Hey Meg,

I understand how hard this must be for you.

I had to eliminate my whole family. Chronic abuse was present from birth, the kind that merits social worker involvement. I spent years thinking there was something I could do to fix them, or change the situation. There comes a point when abuse ( never a REAL option anyway, or a recommended choice ) is no longer an option, period, and, if the person(s) you are dealing with won't listen and/or cannot accept this boundry, then it's time to create another one. I agree with what others have said, you have to decide what will work for you. I'm glad you're here, and talking about it.

Peace and serenity,

firefly

JT

Just my 2 cents,

If you decide to cut him out...you can always change your mind, if/when he has a change of attitude. Like Ann said...you don't have to put up with the bs, but if he wants a normal conversation...that's your choice.

Paula