Notices

Social life and not drinking

Old 10-26-2014, 02:44 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Social life and not drinking

Good day fellow recovery friends.

I wanted to make a message about my journey so far. For a one month period I stopped drinking for a myriad of reasons that everyone can relate to. I felt physically good, and mentally felt calmer and clearer.

Anyway, after the month, I decided to allow myself a few drinks again to begin with on weekends and so on, primarily because I felt that since I had been sober, my social life had been dealt a massive blow! I didn't feel like going out in the evening to drinking hangouts where my friends were at. I just felt being sober whilst they were drinking was just going to be a buzzkill for me and them.

Ultimately social life or lack of social life due to being sober has been a big hindrance for me. If I had enough friends that didn't drink, then it would be no problem, but it's just hard when you feel like you are by yourself.

I have always been a self conscious person as well and I found not drinking in a way meant that I felt different to everyone else, that I had to justify why I wasn't drinking and I just deep down felt that people would be judging me for not drinking, that i was weird or uptight and not fun to be around.

I find for me, it's like non drinking makes me a very productive person, that will. be exercising on the weekends, cleaning my home more, spending more time doing things like reading and chores etc. but my social life just seems to get hard. Maybe I just choose not to go out because I don't want the hassle of being the non drinker. Where as when I drink, all of a sudden my social life becomes easier, and I can go out on the weekend evenings and join in the blur of drinking. But then, everything else seems to suffer.

Can anyone relate to this imbalanced kind of life? I don't hink I am an alcoholic per se but I just feel my perspective on it all is really messed up ATM and I can't seem to find the illusive middle way. I just feel like I am starting to obsess more and more about whether I shouldn't drink or should and find whichever path I choose seems to lead to more questions and problems !
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 02:57 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Do your best
 
Soberwolf's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You say your more productive without Alcohol

your only argument is your social life ?

you obsess over this thinking ?

You can have a social life without alcohol the only ppl who think like this are the addicted

your not alone i thought id be a monk/hermit in sobriety

how wrong i was i have a better fantastic life

sobriety is like a upgrade of self you get 'you' back youl have an even better social life

well done on finding us
Soberwolf is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 03:02 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
MythOfSisyphus's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,936
I think you're presenting a false dichotomy; it's not just sobriety or a social life, you can have both. Why not try going to the places where your friends drink and have a soda? For the sake of argument set aside the issue of triggers. Obviously if you can't drink soda while others are drinking booze that won't work.

My point is that regular drinkers aren't watching everyone else's consumption. Normal drinkers won't think it's odd if you drink club soda.

Plus, there are plenty of social activities that don't involve booze.

BTW, welcome to SR!
MythOfSisyphus is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 03:18 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by soberwolf View Post
You say your more productive without Alcohol

your only argument is your social life ?

you obsess over this thinking ?

You can have a social life without alcohol the only ppl who think like this are the addicted

your not alone i thought id be a monk/hermit in sobriety

how wrong i was i have a better fantastic life

sobriety is like a upgrade of self you get 'you' back youl have an even better social life

well done on finding us
Hi soberwolf, thanks for your reply. I am sure it is possible to have a good social life without drinking, but do you still find yourself going out as much in the evenings ? I realised also that I use alcohol to mask my fatigue ! Without alcohol, I feel tired and would prefer to stay in at night on a Friday for example and have a good nights sleep.

I suppose a zen way would be to see some friends for even 1-2hours on Friday night, not drink and then go home still at a reasonable hour. That way if I could still socialise and not drink then it would all be easier. I suppose being honest that I sort of made that excuse up as a justification to drink. So maybe next time I decide to go sober I will aim to socialise at least once or twice on the weekends so I don't lost touch with my friends and feel like I am missing out on anything..

It's just tough, I think as right now, I will say ok I won't drink this month and maybe more, but I suppose there is a large difference between that and actually planning to live a sober life. I am not sure if I am ready to commit to that yet, but I think unless you commit to it, then stopping drinking will only be for a period of time..it's like I think I need to make a proper commitment to a sober lifestyle to really do it, otherwise it will be the odd month off here and there but always coming back to drinking..
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 03:27 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by MythOfSisyphus View Post
I think you're presenting a false dichotomy; it's not just sobriety or a social life, you can have both. Why not try going to the places where your friends drink and have a soda? For the sake of argument set aside the issue of triggers. Obviously if you can't drink soda while others are drinking booze that won't work.

My point is that regular drinkers aren't watching everyone else's consumption. Normal drinkers won't think it's odd if you drink club soda.

Plus, there are plenty of social activities that don't involve booze.

BTW, welcome to SR!
Hi there, yes it's a good point that drinkers aren't really monitoring who is and isn't drinking but I guess I have always been overly self conscious in that sense. Ultimately I just think unless you are going to a place where the ambience is such that you can still go out and enjoy the environment and not drink, then fine. But if it's a loud bar with loud music and you can barely hear yourself speak, i kind of think, why bother.

I suppose, it is entirely possible to enjoy these kind of places not drinking, but it does not feel natural ATM. Perhaps it will become easier and more enjoyable to enjoy nights out after not drinking for a longer time period.. Again, I have realised a big difference is that when not drinking I really feel my tiredness and it's harder to shake off that tiredness when not drinking. So then I guess I need to find a time to go out not feeling so tired. It just all feels like a big challenge to get it right.

I will be getting a car this week (after having not driven for a few months) so I guess at least I can make socialising more convenient as it means it will take less time then public transport to nip to where my friends are and also leave and get back into my car and have a quick peaceful journey back.
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 03:35 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
 
bookmaven's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 831
Hanging out with the people I used to drink with always led me back to drinking. I had to move on with my life and I was not able to keep "friends" who in the long run turned out to be drinking buddies. Where are they now? Probably still warming the bar stool talking about doing all the fun stuff they want to do but never end up doing because they spent all their money on booze or are too drunk or hungover to actually do anything remotely interesting.

In my first few weeks I found my social outlet in AA meetings.

I had to get sober because I was either going to end up in jail, in a mental hospital, or dead. Not much social life in any of those places.
bookmaven is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 03:46 AM
  # 7 (permalink)  
A Day at a Time
 
MIRecovery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Grand Rapids MI
Posts: 6,435
There is plenty more pain and suffering out there for you to experience as long as you continue drinking. Eventually you will lose your social life because most people don't like to hang with drunks except other drunks.

Life is about choices but choosing to drink if you are an alcoholic never has a happy ending.

Sobriety for me required me to create a new sober life. Sober friends and sober activities. We convince ourselves that most activities revolve around alcohol and this is simply not true
MIRecovery is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 04:01 AM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
Hi George

I think you set up an impossible task for yourself to try and swap your old life for a new one in a month.

Noone can do that.

It takes time and you need to be prepared for that.

My whole life revolved around drinking. I had to change my entire life.
More than that I found that 20 years of drinking had sapped my imagination.

I couldn't even start to think of ways to be social not involving alcohol.

It took time for me to get my synapses firing again. Here's a list of around a hundred suggestions to give you a head start:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ething-do.html

My new life is totally different to my old one - but it fits who I've become. Thats the other reason why this deal takes time.

I started slowly. I stayed away from alcohol and drinkers for a while until I felt stronger. As the list shows tho there's no need to be a hermit.

Now I can go anywhere and do anything. Drink and drinkers don;t bother me. I have a very busy social life.

It's actually better than where I ended up as a drinker shunning company and human contact so I could drink to my hearts content.

Give it a chance George - this is the rest of your life here - you need to give it more than 4 weeks, man

D

Last edited by Dee74; 10-26-2014 at 04:18 AM.
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 04:05 AM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
"Without alcohol, I feel tired and would prefer to stay in at night on a Friday for example and have a good nights sleep."

Would that be an unhealthy “normal” thing to do even on a daily basis?
Compare that to being messed up, bruised up, wondering what really happened last night, awakening behind bars, awakening in a flood of drying vomit with a major headache and on and on. Fun stuff!?
My response back when would have been “NOT ME” and the old timers, being correct would respond, YET.
Read these pages and see how alcohol is not so nice, it’s Powerful, Cunning and Baffling for a reason.
Most here cannot drink in safety.

BE WELL
IOAA2 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 04:21 AM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
In my experience 'the middle way' was a convenient illusion I created despite the significant and growing evidence it didn't exist for me.

Going out to bars and other events involving drinking as the epicenter without drinking eventually became tiring in sobriety. While I have a lot of friends who still do that, there's nothing in it for me. I began to see the conversations repetitive and kind of boring. I began to see it all as the same experience over and over again.

It has impacted my social life, sure. But over time I am building up a new social life. And the rest of my life, the parts that used to be impaired by te consequences of alcohol use - have improved.

I don't think a 'social life' based on sitting around in loud dark bars and having the same old conversations over and over and over again while pouring poison into my body is worth the impact on my health, emotions, finances, future, mind and other sober life experiences I could be having in a richer, deeper mode of living.

For me, I came to see that the years.... The decades I spent chasing the 'middle way' were sadly filled with a lot of time and experiment and LIFE wasted.
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 05:00 AM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
chickippo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
i used to reel at the thought of not going out drinking. what else was there to DO? endless, circular conversations with other drunks, making friends with desperately unsuitable people, spending money with nothing to show for it but a hangover. brilliant, right?

no.

the last year or so of my drinking, i didn't want to go out. nobody drank the way i did. and it was awful trying not to appear drunk when i'd sunk a few at home before even going to the pub. my drinking became a solitary activity - the only goal was to feed the animal in my head until it stopped shouting and gave me some peace.

i'm six months sober now. and, do you know what? out of all the friends i drank with over the last ten years, guess how many want to see me socially now i'm sober? none. not even one. my friends are those i made in my twenties, the ones that stick by each other no matter what. i have made amazing friends in AA. it's as if for those 10 years with my ex husband, i was just a shadow.

life without booze can be achingly sweet. just being actually, finally AWAKE to the beauty and joy that was there all along.

i'm not going back. and i absolutely LOVED booze and socialising. i don't miss it one bit.
chickippo is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 05:20 AM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
In my experience 'the middle way' was a convenient illusion I created despite the significant and growing evidence it didn't exist for me.

Going out to bars and other events involving drinking as the epicenter without drinking eventually became tiring in sobriety. While I have a lot of friends who still do that, there's nothing in it for me. I began to see the conversations repetitive and kind of boring. I began to see it all as the same experience over and over again.

It has impacted my social life, sure. But over time I am building up a new social life. And the rest of my life, the parts that used to be impaired by te consequences of alcohol use - have improved.

I don't think a 'social life' based on sitting around in loud dark bars and having the same old conversations over and over and over again while pouring poison into my body is worth the impact on my health, emotions, finances, future, mind and other sober life experiences I could be having in a richer, deeper mode of living.

For me, I came to see that the years.... The decades I spent chasing the 'middle way' were sadly filled with a lot of time and experiment and LIFE wasted.
Hi Freeowl, it's a good point you make about the illusive middle way. I think being honest it doesn't truly exist. You either drink and end up neglecting everything else to a greater or lesser extent, or stop drinking, and stop neglecting.

I suppose the reality is that the life adjustments that i will have to make to go sober will take some time and effort.

Ultimately I would like to be able to go out in the evening and be an energetic and fun person without alcohol but I just fear that I won't appear interesting to people and maybe too uptight if I am not drinking alcohol..(sad I know)
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 05:23 AM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,043
I just fear that I won't appear interesting to people and maybe too uptight if I am not drinking alcohol..(sad I know)
Fear being the operative word tho because you haven't given yourself a chance to find out who sober George is yet...

Things do work out. Noone would stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal.
D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 05:52 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
Fear being the operative word tho because you haven't given yourself a chance to find out who sober George is yet...

Things do work out. Noone would stay sober if they felt they lost out on the deal.
D
Hi Dee,

Thanks for the encouraging words. It's a good point, there are a lot of sober people out there that can do it and obviously have a good life. You are right and it's funny how when you take out drinking you release these things about yourself.

I'm sure I would become even more confident after a while and know that I would not need to drink to be a cool, interesting person but at first it feels like that crutch is missing, and learning how to socialise without alcohol does feel strange. I guess in reality, the difference in their eyes between a sober and drunk person is minimal and probably it would be more interesting to speak to a sober person anyway. So I guess it's always good to think about it as I was someone else, talking to me, I would rather speak to sober me then drunk me.

I do have some friends that don't drink and some that haven't in the past, so it's not impossible at all. I think also, I get more worried about finding a girlfriend again now I'm 25, the pressure builds up slowly that it's something we are meant to have, and I find stopping drinking may delay that process even more. Again that's probably a self limiting belief I have. And the truth is, I am scared of the idea of intimacy without alcohol. How could I have the confidence to start dating a girl,getting intimate with her, making the first kiss without alcohol ? Again I am sure its possible but it feels like uncharted territory for me..!
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 05:59 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Think of it this way George. If you are an alcohlic like most of us, drinking hold you back and controls you. We falsely assume we need it to do everything...meet people, find a mate, mow the lawn, insert anything else. We also falsely assume that "everyone drinks". The truth is that most people either don't drink or drink very little. We simply surround ourselves with those who also drink as an excuse to keep drinking ourselves.
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 06:08 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
FreeOwl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Here's another thing to consider; do you have conversations during the day, not in bars, every day all your life? Do you have friends, go to work, get coffee, talk to people in your life? Do you laugh and enjoy yourself - looking honestly back on your life - many hours of every week when you're NOT drinking?

This is one thing I realize. Even when I wasn't in recovery, many hours of every day are spent without alcohol. I have lots of 'evidence' in my life of fun times I've had and great time spent with others that didn't happen in bars or while consuming poison.

I think it's a great tool in recovery to look back, journal, reflect on the many joyful parts of our lives and the social parts of our lives that didn't involve being drunk.

The topic of 'partying' came up at a recent meeting and one woman said 'five year olds PARTY. They wear silly hats and they run around and play tag. They don't get drunk, they just celebrate JOY'
FreeOwl is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 06:18 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Life is an unlikely miracle.
 
JanieJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hi George, welcome. You sound like a fairly spiritual person. Could you use your spirituality to carve a new life for yourself ?

Who are the drinkers you hang round with ? Are they part of your lifestyle ? I'm newly sober myself , but have told friends I won't be going to the pub with them. Mixed reactions, but this is my life, not theirs.


I 've come to realise that pub culture is something that I 'm not interested in any more-I like going to see bands, and I'm in a band, but then there's something to do other than drink,and lots of venues which are not pubs.


A lot of my friends have suggested alternatives, too-we meet for lunch etc, rather than in the pub. But true friends will support you, and drinking buddies will not. A lot of people here have said that they found out who their true friends are when they became sober.

I think your fear of not being thought of as interesting is unfounded anyway -in the pub, no one cares whether you're interesting because they are all drunk ! Perhaps try going places where they find you interesting because THEY are sober !

Because I play in a band, even when I was drinking, I spent a fair bit of time in the pub being sober, still do, but it's my job. I like to leave pretty quickly before people start talking to me, when the gig is over.

I am beginning to see that pubs are not a fun place for me any more. There are many more things to do in the evenings other than drink, so many constructive and enjoyable pastimes waiting to be explored.

One thing I have learnt in my short time here is that all of us with any kind of drink issue must protect our sobriety at all costs. There is no middle ground.
JanieJ is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 06:29 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by FreeOwl View Post
Here's another thing to consider; do you have conversations during the day, not in bars, every day all your life? Do you have friends, go to work, get coffee, talk to people in your life? Do you laugh and enjoy yourself - looking honestly back on your life - many hours of every week when you're NOT drinking?

This is one thing I realize. Even when I wasn't in recovery, many hours of every day are spent without alcohol. I have lots of 'evidence' in my life of fun times I've had and great time spent with others that didn't happen in bars or while consuming poison.

I think it's a great tool in recovery to look back, journal, reflect on the many joyful parts of our lives and the social parts of our lives that didn't involve being drunk.

The topic of 'partying' came up at a recent meeting and one woman said 'five year olds PARTY. They wear silly hats and they run around and play tag. They don't get drunk, they just celebrate JOY'
Hi Freeowl, that is a good point. I do have many references to fun had with people at work, during the day, on the weekend that does not revolve around alcohol actually. I don't know whether it's me or society that seems to have this message that drinking is 'fun' and we somehow need to drink and 'party' to have this 'fun'. Yet we conveniently forget that actually socialising on a regular basis .

I think I miss being a kid and having that sense of fun adventure,which is true joy. So maybe it's important to do things which give us a sense of childlike joy again?
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 06:40 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 124
Originally Posted by JanieJ View Post
Hi George, welcome. You sound like a fairly spiritual person. Could you use your spirituality to carve a new life for yourself ?

Who are the drinkers you hang round with ? Are they part of your lifestyle ? I'm newly sober myself , but have told friends I won't be going to the pub with them. Mixed reactions, but this is my life, not theirs.


I 've come to realise that pub culture is something that I 'm not interested in any more-I like going to see bands, and I'm in a band, but then there's something to do other than drink,and lots of venues which are not pubs.


A lot of my friends have suggested alternatives, too-we meet for lunch etc, rather than in the pub. But true friends will support you, and drinking buddies will not. A lot of people here have said that they found out who their true friends are when they became sober.

I think your fear of not being thought of as interesting is unfounded anyway -in the pub, no one cares whether you're interesting because they are all drunk ! Perhaps try going places where they find you interesting because THEY are sober !

Because I play in a band, even when I was drinking, I spent a fair bit of time in the pub being sober, still do, but it's my job. I like to leave pretty quickly before people start talking to me, when the gig is over.

I am beginning to see that pubs are not a fun place for me any more. There are many more things to do in the evenings other than drink, so many constructive and enjoyable pastimes waiting to be explored.

One thing I have learnt in my short time here is that all of us with any kind of drink issue must protect our sobriety at all costs. There is no middle ground.
Hi Janie,

I think most of my close friends would be supportive to tell the truth, and I have enough long term friends who are open minded and more then just drinking buddies which i am grateful for. I think as you say I am also really into music so it makes sense to go to venues more or live music etc, as then the focus is on the event as opposed to the drinking at a pub. Come to think of it, it will definitely be possible to refocus on different types of social outings..I think to be honest I decided to drink again recently as I went on a date, and I just didn't think I could go and not drink alcohol..I think that's a big part for me. If I could date girls sober etc then a massive reason to drink would vanish, but I have always relied on drinking to speak to girls and become intimate etc..

I suppose in terms of spirituality yes it might help. I have spent time in a Buddhist monastery before when I was younger, and doing things like meditating will help to stay grounded and positive. I have not really thought about it from a social dimension before though, although I am sure I could probably attend a meditation class or something.
George89 is offline  
Old 10-26-2014, 08:16 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Life is an unlikely miracle.
 
JanieJ's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
George, did you know that alcohol affects the nervous system ? I've been much calmer since stopping, and I was quite a nervous person.

Perhaps if you were calmer generally it would enable you to talk to girls more easily.

There is lots of info on the net about what drink actually does to our bodies, and some of it surprising. It really is a hell of a poison.
JanieJ is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 08:48 AM.