Ythill

Hi all,

I could use some advice about dating in recovery. I've been seeing someone for the past month, and things have been moving at a normal pace. Except for the past week, I can't help but feel that I'm being ignored. She doesn't answer my calls. Her texts are now fewer and fewer.
Granted, I understand that people get busy, and my thinking is still messed up from the years of abuse. A part of me thinks that she's just doing other things and wants a bit of space. And that's fine. I just wish she would say so. I'm left on edge, bracing myself for the dreaded about face when she says she doesn't want to see me again. Then again, we've discussed our feelings for each other and she might feel comfortable enough to assume that I'm not brooding over her lack of response lately.
I'm sure others in recovery have had these same obsessive thoughts. I can feel myself wanting to drink more and more to just shut my mind off, but I know that won't solve anything. I'm replacing the comfort and security of alcohol with a relationship. I just know it. But I deeply care about this person, and not just the idea of her (as I did in the past when actively using).
I'm terrified of being hurt again. I could use some advice from those with some strong sea legs.

Low

" I'm left on edge, bracing myself for the dreaded about face when she says she doesn't want to see me again."
You stated you have only been seeing her a month, and yet you put so much stock if you don't see her again? I sense you are very newly sober? There is a saying for that in recovery, we don't take a relationship, we take a hostage. Perhaps it would be beneficial for you to focus on yourself, your growth, your life. Get to a point where your happiness and peace of mind don't depend on someone you have recently met. That is a whole lot of power to give away. All the best.

IOAA2

Hi. Your header is quite accurate for many trying to stay sober. We drank mostly to escape our feelings and a bad or sliding relationship hurts. Many of us don’t suffer well but it’s part of life we must deal with and stay sober.
Try to remember that staying sober is for our self and the benefits we derive from it. No one said the path would always be smooth, but that’s life.

BE WELL

Joe Nerv

Lots of things were suggested to me when I got sober, and I took just about every single one of them... except to stay away from emotional entanglements in early sobriety. I got involved with a girl while was on weekend break from my rehab (she literally appeared at my doorstep - fun story I won't waste space with right now).

I paid a price. And paid, and paid and paid. I was determined however to not drink, no matter what, and I believe in the end the whole experience really strengthened my sobriety. Relationships can make a mess of someone, and IMO it's all good, so long as we keep putting one foot in front of the other. Having a significant other in our lives is like sticking a magnifying mirror in our face. So long as we're willing to learn, grow, feel our feelings, not run from the pain, and not drink NO MATTER WHAT, we're in good shape. There's lots to be learned. I think you've just begun that sober learning journey. Nice place to be in retrospect. Not when yer there though .

AncientMariner

With relationships I call it like it is. Dating is dating. The rules don't change wheter your in recovery or not although some people like to think they do. The dynamics of relationships remain the same.

But I deeply care about this person After one month you deeply care about a person? Way too fast. You cannot know a person after a month. You should learn self control and hold back a little. Were you too needy? did you give too much of yourself to her? This pushes people away.

I've been seeing someone for the past month, and things have been moving at a normal pace.
What's a normal pace to you? One month, it's possible you've rushed in too quickly. Patience is the key.

I can't help but feel that I'm being ignored. She doesn't answer my calls. All you need to look at his her actions towards you to know if she is still interested. She's clearly not. Delete her number and move on to another adventure.

and wants a bit of space. Space means bye bye. Either one of two things: she was never interested or you did something to turn her off. Probably you moved too fast and were too available. Hold back always. Give people the gift of missing you.

I just wish she would say so. I'm left on edge, bracing myself for the dreaded about face when she says she doesn't want to see me again. Don't wait for this 'about face'. Put yourself back in control. Look at her actions: she is not interested. You delete her number. You cut contact. You're in control. Take the power back.

I can feel myself wanting to drink more and more to just shut my mind off, but I know that won't solve anything. Go out and get more numbers. Dating is a numbers game. Get two or three numbers and date them slowly. They're on a probation period, auditioning for the part of your girlfriend. There is a two or three month probationary period. Take the power back. Be in control.

Granted, I understand that people get busy
Your justifying her actions. Read her actions instead. She is not interested. People that are interested find time. Everybody is busy, but if they really want to find time, they will find time.

I'm terrified of being hurt again. You need to change the way you look at the dating game. It should be fun. Your giving your feelings way too soon. Dating is war, you need to toughen up a bit and develop a thick skin. You cannot take women personally.

EndGameNYC

Hi Ythill.

I'm in a bit of a rush, show I'll just say that it's not the skirt.

Soberwolf

I mean this in the best way possible but saying where theres a skirt (female) theres a slip ???

Sounds like your blaming women and degrading them by calling any woman skirt - look at your heading properly

i dont think you should spend any more time on this

PurpleKnight

Early Sobriety can be intense enough on it's own, the body is adjusting physically, mentally, emotionally, I didn't know who I was or what I wanted for a long time as everything was in a state of constant change and all my energy was going into simply not drinking and clocking up some serious Sober time as a solid foundation.

For me putting myself in situations that would add to the challenge of Sobriety was not an option, and from previous posts you've been Sober since June, which is fantastic, but it's still early days.

Relationships can have ups and downs even in Sobriety, it doesn't take someone to be an alcoholic or in recovery for things not to work out or for people to not be compatible with each other, and so moving forward in the same way by sitting down as a couple and working things out through communication is really the only way to express what each of you is feeling.

All I know is alcohol will fix nothing, the relationship and everything that comes with it will still be there in the morning, and you'll be faced with the same problem to deal with all over again.

Hang in there!!

AncientMariner

Elaborate SW.

It's clearly a trigger for him, no?

AncientMariner

Ah you edited your post and elaborated a little.

Would you be so quick to defend men SW if there was some men bashing going on?

He's using a play on words, I don't think it's his intention to degrade women. And it's not that he is 'blaming women' per se. He doesn't know how to handle rejection for one.

Ythill

Sorry if I offended with the header! It's something an old timer told me at an AA meeting. There's no greater meaning to it than that.

Aellyce

Here is your truth. And yes, based on my own experience in the first couple months of my recovery, and numerous threads here on SR, this is extremely common. I mostly experienced this "substitute obsession" in the form of obsessive thoughts and urges, luckily did not act on them any more than approaching the people I found appealing and talking with them. But the mental obsession was totally there for a while. Luckily I've read enough stories here on SR and I also happened to "fancy" sensible enough people to not jump into a new kind of insanity at the wrong time. But you know what scared me most? That these thoughts WERE indeed triggers to drink! Many times, when I would let myself into these fantasies, almost immediately there was an alcohol craving with it. That did scare me and I made myself stop it. It totally normalized with time, now I can interact with similar people and no obsession, no booze craving, I just enjoy the conversation. This is enough evidence for me that those early urges were not genuine, they were addictive thoughts.

My suggestion is to keep it in your head as is. Fantasies are fantasies, but they don't necessarily need to turn into premature action and mess with your sobriety, with your life, likely also with the other person. If you like her and care about her, and you think it's possible, stay friends but I would not go too close for a while. I think about these things as a form of risk assessment, what are the possible benefits and costs. For me, in the way you describe you feel about all this, it sounds like the risks outweigh the benefits. This may sound a little dry, but I mean... we are talking about our lives, not simply a new romance.

I think it can be much easier and more constructive to make friends with new people we like in early sobriety. And keep them as such. Who knows what it turns into later? But no rush.

MIRecovery

My advice is dont.

At least don't until you are very comfortable in your sobriety and life

Soberwolf

No problem Ythill

Ythill

The last thing I want to do alienate people. So, thank you for understanding.

least

I'd advise that you get more sober time under your belt before getting into a serious relationship. Early recovery can be difficult, no point in making it harder by balancing a new relationship too.

Take it slow.

Anna

This thread is closed. This isn't high-school.