Meraviglioso

27 days and counting here. I'm feeling pretty good, still a little dull and foggy, but it's ok.
I used to drink for a lot of reasons. Sorrow, pain, anger, guilt, boredom, frustration, stress, happiness, excitement and many more.
I think- and i don't want to get too ahead of myself here- that I have successfully cut the link between myself and the negative reasons to drink. I know that drinking will not make bad situations better. When I am feeling angry, sad, stressed of frustrated I still often think of drinking as a way to deal. But I am able to immediately fight these thoughts with the simple idea that "drinking will not make this better, only worse"

What I am struggling with is the idea that drinking will make good times better. A dinner out, a happy moment, a relaxing evening in reading or watching a movie, a party with friends, a celebration. In these moments I have a strong idea that wine will in fact somehow improve these already nice situations. I have the feeling, "this is great, but something is missing… alcohol"

I am really giving this every effort, I desperately want to change this mindset. Every day I feel more and more secure that I won't give into these thoughts, but the mere presence of these thoughts troubles me and occupies so much of my mind space.
I feel angry and resentful that my alcoholism sneaks up and robs me of enjoyment. Wonderful moments- sober moments- are not as bright as they could be because I am fighting a battle in my head against wanting to drink. I cannot fully enjoy these happy activities in a peaceful state.

Right now I am just trying to take it day by day and am trying to accept that this is part of it, fighting cravings and learning. I do know though that in order to find lasting success I need to get beyond this. Again, for now I am staying sober, but I know how powerful this is and I know that I could very well find myself to a wedding or laying in my hammock on a sunny afternoon and just pick up the drink.

I don't even know what I am asking here. But I am asking for help. This has to come from inside but I cannot figure out how to get there. I feel I have had made zero progress in this area. I have progressed in other areas, but this, I am exactly where I was on day one. Sooner or later it is going to get me.

IOAA2

I’d say that it takes the four letter, time. We didn’t get to this point overnight and like a broken bone it takes time to heal.
The problem for many is after a period of feeling good not drinking we taper off the work required to stay sober and start down the slippery slide into more misery.
I needed to be constantly honest with myself about my drinking and accept the fact I cannot drink in safety again.
Another thing I needed to do was change the person I brought with me and think of not drinking and eliminate the false glamorization of past drinking because today alcohol is a poison for me.

BE WELL

Soberwolf

Mera my advice would be to reread all your old posts to remind you exactly why you got sober

your doing fantastic and have come a long way since ive been here

big hugs Mera if you ever want to chat pm mme if you want

Buongiorno

Meraviglioso

Yes, time. The one thing we can do absolutely nothing about! But as you pointed out IOAA2, I do not want taper off on the work, there is still much to be done.

Thanks soberwolf, or I should say grazie mille! Non e' mica una cosa facile, ma con amici come te e' meglio!

Stevie1

I don't have anything really wise to add, Mera, except the fact that you are giving this so much thought seems to me progress, no?
Be kind to yourself...you're still in early sobriety. I know what you mean about feeling resentful that you can't make happy occasions "better" by having a few drinks like a normal person because I feel that way too sometimes, still.

((hugs))

AncientMariner

With this I agree.

Consistent positvie daily habits built up over time = success
Consistent daily errors in judgement built up over time= failure

Life is not a straight line, it's a curved line. Rising up or down depending on your choices. And TIME will reward you or TIME will expose you.

"Life is a curved construction; time is its builder, and choice its master architect" The Slight Edge

Anna

Mera, I felt the same way too, and unfortunately, I think it does just take time. It took going out for dinner and not drinking multiple times before I began to accept that I was able to really enjoy it without alcohol.

I think it's great that you are continuing to work on your recovery.

Meraviglioso

Well I can say that last night I was at a friend's house for dinner and while I did experience the familiar pangs I was thankful that I didn't have to fight the relentless panic and obsession over the amount of alcohol in the house. They had one bottle of wine for four people (well, three as I wasn't drinking). That would have been an all-evening nightmare for me in my drinking days. While I still felt as though I was missing something, I definitely felt better and enjoyed myself more than had I been drinking and had to limit my intake due to the lack of availability of more wine.

fridgey

Everytime I got sober I just reinforced my defences against pain and strove to get stronger until the last time, I was 20 years older and worn out. It was in effect just treading water until I got exhausted and couldn't go on. My point being that if I accepted the reality that recovery takes 3-4 years, I would have my life instead it's shell. Alcohol will destroy your life if you treat it as an old lover that 'disappeared' from your life under tragic circumstances. IOAA2 said it well, glamorization. Keep going and celebrate with water your milestones. You are inspiring.

Aellyce

Yeah same here initially. I think many of us addicts were just as hooked on intensity (and drama) as on our drug of choice. I certainly was. Ditto on the time thing. I think we need to slowly get used to the fact that our experiences in sobriety will be more balanced. The highs won't be as "high" and the lows won't be as "low" without mind altering substances. But it will be real! I think it takes time to get used to it because we need to learn how to deal with an initially unfamiliar experience and these situations.

What helped me, and still helps, is to find new, healthy, substance-free ways to amplify my experiences, if we want to do that. And probably more than anything, just learn a different way of living and responding to our experiences. One thing that works for me well is finding new angles and challenges in situations. Novelty and (healthy amount of) challenge tend to give me a natural high... I guess you will need to figure out your way to this. I know it's hard, but it really does get much easier with repetitions because it becomes a new habit, we get conditioned to experiencing things differently, especially if we find them rewarding in new ways. It's a very well known phenomenon to science also, how new habits and behaviors are formed through conditioning and repetitions (just like how we started drinking in the beginning and it became a habit!). The difficulty is sticking with it and being patient, but maybe knowing it works helps you?

bunnezjp

Yes. It's a loss. Alcohol was in our lives for a long time. Its like breaking up with somebody, and we notice the absence. For awhile. And its ok to feel sad. But given enough time and space between you and alcohol, you'll move on.

Bunnez

fridgey

grazie mille! Non e' mica una cosa facile, ma con amici come te e' meglio!
translation-
thank you, No more one costs face, mum says hello come here big wolf.

YES?????

Meraviglioso

. Google translate, eh? It says: "thanks a lot, it's not an easy thing but with friends like you it is better"

Aellyce

This is what came to my mind after reading the thread title: we got to find a new romance with our life, pure and real. And dump the old abusive lover for good

Venecia

Yes, it is missing.

And thank heavens. We're not wired like other people, Mera. For others, a glass of wine is a pleasant accompaniment to social gatherings or a quiet evening with a movie.

For people like us, one is never enough. Next thing you know ... well, you know the rest of that sentence.

Give yourself some space. The first few months are not easy. But when we recognize that we are not like other people, we are freed.

There was no single moment for me when I made that realization. It was gradual and the interceding times are a challenge. But letting go of the notion that we can enjoy wine -- because we're not like others -- helps considerably.

Wine never did me any favors. Not one. It only enabled me to damage myself. Framing my struggle that way, especially in the early days, helped me a lot.

And you know what? It still does.

PurpleKnight

Romanticism was a sticking point for me too.

"that cold beer on a friday after work, that nice glass of wine with dinner, that dram of whiskey on a cold winter night"

The problem was that looking into these things in the future, everything looked great, but my drinking never was 1 glass or 1 beer, it was always calculated in bottles of wine or whiskey.

Our minds will sell us all the fairytales and myths of the day over this, but the reality, and the ending to the night is far from what is being portrayed, it just doesn't add up on paper!!

Hang in there!!

EndGameNYC

Hi Mera.

I've been most vulnerable in my sobriety when things are going well, when I have something to celebrate.

While I was drinking, alcohol was the means by which I could enhance the good times, even to freeze them in time, as they were typically few and far between. Another childish delusion that only supported my drinking. Happiness or joy is not a commodity that can be forced or stored in a cabinet. I came to learn that, as much as I might like some things to stay suspended in time, they never do.

Part of the solution is not to attempt to minimize disappointment, if only because we invite further disappointment in the attempt, but to maximize our presence in whatever it is that we're doing.

These days, I embrace with enthusiasm the notion that whatever I'm doing at any particular moment is the most important thing in my life, no matter how superficially trivial a particular activity may seem. How I go about living my life in the present is much more meaningful for me than any objective achievements that result from my efforts.