seek

Hello . . . I don't post here often . . . Random thoughts:

* I wish this site was more like Facebook visually - a different visual format.
* I wish there were different sections for moms/grandmoms/parents/children and people in voluntary relationships with alcoholics.
* I am trying to detach and am having challenges at the moment. I am praying for strength and guidance.
* One of my biggest challenges is waking up in the middle of the night, when my defenses are down - the worries come flooding in - lots of particular worries.
* One of the spiritual practices I follow (not really engrossed in it at the moment, but am attracted to it) is Course of Miracles. Course of Miracles says this world is not real. I totally "get" the concept, intellectually, however this concept (or any other one) doesn't help me when gripped by fear (and the same Course teaches that fear is not real, which I also agree with - but my body has different ideas). I wonder if there is a group for people who study Course of Miracles and have alcoholic blood relatives. That would be super helpful to me.
* I wish there was more written about spiritual concepts and alcoholism and blood relatives of alcoholics. I could really use some advice - like specific advice you might get from visiting a spiritual counselor or priest or something - not just platitudes and vague, general stuff, but specifics - "when this happens, do this, or think this" . . . there is so much history of people's experiences, that you'd think there would be more specific advice available. Like how to negotiate between hope and denial - when they are in recovery, etc. How to deal with requests for stuff (how to deal with YOUR feelings when someone approaches you that you love and you have to say "no" - what that looks like and feels like) . . .how you take care of your feelings afterwards - what you do with the worry . . .it is useless advice to say not to worry when it seems to be an automatic process and once it gets into your body, you are toast.
* It would be cool if people with blood relatives who are alcoholics who have successfully detached, would write specifics about their processes (not just that they "detached," but how exactly they did this - what did they do?
* It would be cool if alcoholics who have recovered (or are recovering) would write about anything that was or was not helpful (in terms of their relatives and the actions or words that either helped or hurt) . . . It would be great to hear real stories of sons and their mothers and grandmothers . . . there seems to be very strong bonds in some cases and it would be helpful to hear other's stories.
* It would be great to hear specific spiritual ideas or practices that have helped blood relatives of alcoholics.
* I assume that most people who read here are married to or girlfriends of alcoholics (because that is what 90% of the posts are about), so that is why I am specifying "blood relatives." I also married alcoholic(s), so I know what some of those issues are - and they are different. You can divorce or break up with a husband or boyfriend alcoholic. It's not the same bond. I wish there was more written about this.
* Thanks for listening to the vent.

lillamy

You could start a Facebook group for parents/grandparents of addicts! I'm sure you could attract a lot of people to it -- because I agree, it is a somewhat different set of issues when you're dealing with a child/grandchild rather than an adult partner.

I also found that Al-Anon was very good at providing me with hands-on suggestions for how to detach.

gippy1968

Have you gone to ALANON?? I believe you would find people with experiences in the areas you seek.

seek

I attended Alanon for six years. Learned nothing SPECIFIC about HOW to detach from specific people and problems - just that you SHOULD detach. This is why I am asking moms and grandmas who have SUCCESSFULLY detached to share their processes.

I once stopped two Buddhist monks in a parking lot and asked them how a mother detaches. They took my phone number and never got back to me.

These principles are so lofty - I need practical, every day advice!

Thanks!

FireSprite

I actually feel exactly the opposite - I can't stand the format of FaceBook, lol!


Have you tried low-dose melatonin? I have a chewable that is awesome for mid-of-night panics like this. As long as I still have about 3 hrs to sleep it works great with no sluggish feeling the next day. It typically takes 10-15 mins to help me get back to sleep. Failing that I have also had great success with self-hypnosis/meditation apps on my phone. Have you tried anything like that?


I see a spiritual advisor regularly & even they can't draw us a specific "If this, then that" roadmap or strategy when dealing with stuff like this. When she HAS been able to provide specific advice for my situation it's specific to MY life/my RAH's personality, not general advice that would work for everyone. She helps me to hear my own Guardians & Angels but what they have to say to help me doesn't apply to others because this is MY journey. Have you searched for this type of advisor that can get to know you on a personal level in order to be able to guide you? As far as dealing with worry - it really isn't an automatic process for everyone, people process & deal with it differently.


Detachment is challenging whether you are blooded relatives or not. Every time it has happened in my life it's been something just suddenly "clicks" one day & I have that "AHA!" moment. Achieving detachment is great, but it doesn't mean you'll stay detached once you get to that point. You still have to actively work at it & handle each situation independently as it arises.


I guess I see it differently - while the bond is surely different, addiction is largely the same no matter who it affects. It doesn't change the nuts & bolts of how the loved ones deal with addiction - there aren't different rules for blooded or non-blooded addicts. The same signs, symptoms & behaviors can exist regardless.


It IS a different bond, for sure, but again none of that changes how to best handle an alcoholic. For instance, it surely hurts differently to have to detach from an ASon vs. an AH but that doesn't change the NEED to detach or the WAYS in which you detach, right? There isn't a different WAY of handling a son vs. a husband, but it feels differently.

They DO seem lofty until you see/feel it in action. Maybe if you share some real-life examples of how you are struggling, some of us may be able to help you determine how to work toward detachment, etc?

ladyscribbler

This is why I am asking moms and grandmas who have SUCCESSFULLY detached to share their processes.

There are quite a few parents over on the F&F of Substance Abusers forum, they are great about sharing their ES&H with others. Seems like the number of parents is higher on that forum than here.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

suncatcher

I can tell you how I detached. I moved an hour away from xabf. I rented a farm house in the country an hour away from friends and family who thought I was crazy to move so far away. I found peace and solitude and read a lot if self help books and hung out here on SR. I stopped worrying and obsessing over xabf and started enjoying my free time by going to antique stores and Amish bakery and furniture places. I went for walks and sat on my porch. Suddenly I was enjoying my life instead of feeling lonely watching xabf pass out at 6 PM. It didn't happen overnight but little by little I found peace of mind.

Christopher1

Don't know if this is what you mean but the website alcoholic solutions gives specifics about detatching behaviours.I'm just getting so tired of having to work so hard with my AP -I wanted a relationship,not a minefield.

Christopher1

Sounds absolutely perfect-good for you.

suncatcher

I didn't cut myself off entirely. I still go visit xabf once in a while because I do still care about him. But knowing I have my place to retreat to is a comfort. My friends and family saw how happy I am here and realized it was the right thing for me. It's not perfect...The house isn't insulated well and it's cold in the winter but I manage. I think in detaching we just have to learn to be true to ourselves. Too often we put our needs on the back burner when we are dealing with alcoholic partners. We can love them from a distance and not remain enmeshed. It is a process though..

CodeJob

I'm coming to visit! Sounds like fun sun catcher!

seek

I have thought of moving away, but I LOVE where I live!!! That would be a solution for me because it would give me a FEELING of safety.

My main problem is worry and my worse-case scenarios (which I don't want to detail). I also have a personal problem knowing how to support when someone is in rehab AND not go into denial (complicated because they can't be challenged while in rehab - I feel like I have to walk on eggshells in terms of NOT saying whatever it is I might want to say - If I share my feelings, I have been told that's "putting your feelings on someone," (even though it isn't really - I have an advanced degree in Psychology, but the person telling me that in front of the alcoholic and the family was a counselor who had more rank).

My main problem is that I think I know what's going to happen! Ha Ha! And I can't go along with plans that I see as having serious holes in them. And then that causes me to worry and spiral down into the pit of my deepest fears.

It's really hard when you so want someone to become healthy and everyone says that is what is wanted, but then have no expectations. How can you NOT have expectations?

seek

FireSprite. I have a spiritual counselor. I feel sorry for the poor woman. She is amazing and she does give me messages AND I still struggle. Thank you for sharing so much. I appreciate it!

sugarbear1

I think those monks had it spot on......

let it go.

Love and Hugs to you

Ernest Kurtz wrote The Spirituality of Imperfection. give it a read, slowly.

chicory

I am so sorry Cazzap. wishing miracles to come from this hard, hard situation, for all of you. praying for you, and yours.

seek

Cazzap: You are doing great. Thank you for stating what you would like and need in the way of support. I have also felt not supported on this forum. I have written posts where there have been zero responses, or snarky ones. It doesn't help to turn to a community of people who you hope will be supportive and not get the support you see others getting. Not sure what that's all about. For me, I think it is because I don't follow the 12Step party line of thinking, but I could be wrong.

Sugarbear1 - not sure what you mean. The monks said nothing and did not follow up. That does not equate to "let it go." And just from your perspective, how do you see "letting it go?" Letting what go? One's daughter? Grandson? What are you referring to, specifically, and how have you let a much loved family member go?

Please do share.

CodeJob

Seek, we technically are not supposed to tell people what to do here. Not that it stops many of us Codie's from telling each other what to do!

After 3 years of SR, Al Anon and your background in psych, and you still can't figure out your path makes me suspect you are fighting it. It being the fact your loved ones are not seeking recovery and you cannot do a darn thing about it?

Is this what is the matter? You are not alone here whatsoever, nor are you alone at Al Anon, but technically you need to study up and pick your own approach to your life.

BUT with a name like Seek you will be just fine. You'll figure it out!

Also to give SR cred, I've often found people who I like their writing so I will search back through their comments and threads. It is a very handy thing to see people start here and grow. Do you know how to search back by clicking on their name in blue? It sort of creates their personal FB page when you click on their own threads...

LifeRecovery

Seek-

I find that though I do not post often on your posts I am often triggered emotionally by them (and have not been able to determine why).

I think this post helped me. When I am feeling the worst about myself and recovery I often look for what makes me different then others on the recovery journey. I often overlook what makes me similar. For me it is part of my wall to protect my vulnerability????

On this board how that has looked for me is the fact that my ex while I was with him never got out of the functional stage. I could support myself, no kids, I had a lot of support before realizing he had a problem. Sometimes I still struggle with the fact that my loved one was "not sick enough," instead of realizing that I still met, married and loved this man, AND I have a TON of family struggling with addiction also (which I only realized after my ex got me here).

I am not sure but I feel like I sense something similar in your posts and I think that is what I sense, but am not sure how to respond to.

seek

Code Job . . . Thanks for the reminder. It is interesting that advice is "not supposed to be given" (unless it's 12 step related, I guess, because you do see quite a bit of that) . . . As a reminder, I was also asking for other people's stories of success in detaching and letting go.

I am not "fighting" it . . . I am trying to seek balance and serenity. When a loved one is in recovery, it is natural to be cautiously optimistic - this is the part that is hard for me - they are in a program, talking program and a feeling of relief comes over a loved one (can't deny it) - then you hear or see or sense something and you get thrown back into fear. Of course worry is not productive - my body doesn't seem to know this - it does its own thing. It happened again last night. I used all of my tools to stop thinking/worrying when I was conscious. I had to get up in the middle of the night and was bathed in thoughts and worry.

The tool I use is prayer so I prayed and prayed. It is a constant struggle - the default is thinking/worrying. It feels like I am possessed. I don't know what more I can do - I have been practicing stuff and praying for a long time and it stays. This is why I ask for the stories of mothers and grandmas who have managed to let go and detach and be happy - I want to hear about their processes. So far, not a peep!

seek

LifeRecovery. Thanks for your post - not sure I understand it, other than the fact you feel triggered by my posts and also that you feel different from most posters and think I might have that same issue (just trying to rephrase to see if I am getting what you are saying).

I feel different in a few ways - one that I don't currently use a 12 step model and two, that I wish this section of the board had more mother/grandma postings (or a separate section). I do know what it feels like to be the girlfriend or wife of an alcoholic, but to me, the problems and solutions are different (even though, at base it is all the same, as you said or someone said - because it is loving someone and wanting their recovery sometimes more than they do - that part is the same - the difference is that once you learn you cannot affect that, then what do you do? If you are a girlfriend or a wife, you CAN breakup or divorce the person - you don't HAVE TO have that chaos in your life. I know most people have kids and that keeps them stuck or feeling trapped or whatever . . . when it is your son or your grandson (or daughter or granddaughter), depending upon the relationship, it just FEELS different and has a whole set of different problems.

I have more than one kid - and I have detached from many of my kids - but there is this one that I am having trouble with - and I think it is because of circumstances (don't want to get into too many details). It seems like a survival issue to me (for both of us) - so it gets very primal in feeling.