DefofLov

Yesterday, I went through a lot. It was just a normal bad day that everyone has from time to time. I called my newfound father. (he abandoned me for 19 years...I am 19 years old...). He asked me if I was okay and said he would not be able to sleep if he didn't know if I was okay. I said, "Then you must not have slept for a very long time." He said "Oh that hurt, but I understand."

So...I talked to my boyfriend later on that evening and told him what I said to my dad. My boyfriend got upset with me and kept telling me I needed to apologize. I kept saying I would explain why I said that but I would not apologize for it. So, my boyfriend kept saying it was really mean of me becaues I waa so nice to my father and my boyfriend said that he didnt think I was capable of that kind of meanness.

Eventually, I just started crying. Here he is arguing for my father, who was completely wrong for abandoning me for 19 years. No one ever argued for me, and I was done all kinds of harm. No one told my grandma to stop abusing me emotionally. No one told my aunt to stop treating me like a dog. No one told my mother to care for me and stop neglecting. No one ever told my sister to stop being mean to me. No one ever told my brother to stop torturing me everyday. And now when I break down because of it all, no one wants to listen to me. I was sobbing when I explained this to my boyfriend.

In the end, I told my boyfriend I would apologize and today I did say sorry. But I am still so hurt by my entire family. My mother still drinks, I dont even bother dealing with it. As many of you may know, I moved out so I dont even have to be bother with it.

I need hugs, kisses, and love. I want someone to listen to me, understand me, let me cry. My sister told me I need to just get over it and move on when I tried to reach out to her and tell her about my pain and anguish. My brother laughs and tells me I am too sensitive. No one will listen.

It hurts so badly.

~Def

DefofLov

Does anyone know if there is a message board for people who were abandoned and abused as children??

Gabe

((((Def)))
Sending light and love your way.

Dan

Oh Def...
I never spoke to my father.
I'm 44. Forgive me for saying that your posts touch me in the deepest of ways.
Adding some of the light I have to Gabe's for you.

DefofLov

((((Dangerous Dan))))

Nightowl

Oh, sweetie........wish I could give you a real hug....but here is a cyber hug. We all want love, hugs, support, unconditional love - we NEED that. I am so sorry that your family let you down in that area. I think your reaction to your bio-dad was very normal. Why wouldn't you have said that? Your boyfriend was not very sympathetic. I suppose he doesn't understand.

Love yourself sweetie. Create love within yourself. Hug yourself, take care of you. Grieve your childhood but don't dwell on what might have been. Look to your future, girl!!! Look how strong and articulate you are in spite of all your challenges. Be proud. Forgive your dad but it's okay to express your anger. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for feeling angry. Just don't let the anger eat you up.

Love and happiness to you, dear.

Ann25

((((((((((((((((DEF))))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you!!!! I feel kinda persumptuous saying this but--You have nothing to be sorry for! These are your feelings and they are valid.
As for a website--I have no idea-but if you find one let me know. Have you considered counceling? That might be something to think about. A trained professional can help you deal with all these emotions you are having.
You are in my prayers!
Ann

waterlily

Sending Hugs.

If you were feeling low, could you have asked your boyfriend or Dad for those hugs (now that he is willing to listen), or to be taken out for ice cream?

Writing out all those hurt feelings works well for me. Children deserve better.

DefofLov

thanx Everyone...

At school, there is an excellent environment where I get support. My boyfriend is 5 hours away and so is my father. They are both willing to listen. My boyfriend was more consoling when I started crying. He felt really bad and said sorry...a lot. Dad is sending me money today so I can eat. I havent eaten in a while and I just now got enough courage to ask him for money. I didnt want to ask him for anything because I am not used to asking for things. It is so hard for me.

I cant wait to go back to school so I can have my weekly counseling sessions again. There is also food at school. Friends, food, hugs, counseling..I am glad I will be going back soon.

journey1

I feel your pain, I went through a similar situation. It hurts very much to be hurt by family. But what can we do about the past? I know it's hard to let go of it but in order to move foward you have to. All this that you are feeling is past distress and you have to release it. Try writing in a journal everyday, this helps me. It helps me to release my anger or write a letter to each of these people that have hurt you, if you choose to send it that's up to you. I usually just put the letter aside, but it releases the anger I have toward them and it's like I am talking/yelling at that individual. Because even if we try to explain to the ones who hurt us or continue to hurt us we won't get through to them anyway. It's like talking to a brick wall. I could also suggest searching the net for ways to deal with your childhood and your anger. It is only hurting you, the ones who hurt you still get on with their life, they are the sick ones, you need to focus on you and take control of your life now that you are free from these people. Learn to keep it simple with them, keep reading and teaching yourself this is the only way you will understand what happen to you and it will make you stronger and healthier. God bless you. I wish you the best.

Nightowl

Waterlily makes a good point. Our loved ones don't always know waht we need. Perhaps try telling your bf or dad how low you are and ask for hugs, love, a shoulder to cry on. you'd be surprised at how they react. Tell bio-dad how angry you have been at him but you would like to get past that. Ask him for some patience while you get to know him and that you might say some things out of anger. Let him know you have some resentment but you are wanting to move forward and are glad to finally have him in your life. The past is the past.

((((Def))))

Dan

Def, I found this. Haven't looked at it at all, but I noticed one of the forums had a subsection on reuniting.

http://forums.adoption.com/

DefofLov

Thanx so much. Your words have been so kind and supportive and I am smiling for the first time this morning. I was nervous about posting but I am so glad I did. I have been working hard on letting go and I think I will be telling my mother and those who hurt me about what they did for some closure. I think I really need some closure. So, before I go back to school I will either talk to her personally or send her a letter telling her who I feel and telling her I will not be coming back for a long time.

Dan, I will look into that website.

Nightowl

sometimes just writing a letter and not sending it does a world of good too. You can say some really hurtful things and get it off your chest and then tear it up and write the real letter in a healthier manner -- does that make sense? Not advocating sugar coating anything but just trying to help you let go of some pretty normal resentment and anger. Get it out before it eats you up.

Marcinor

Hey Def,

Take care of you! Things just aren't fair sometimes and I'm sorry that you had to pay for other peoples mistakes.

Lots of hugs!

Marci

Magichappens

Def,
It is not your fault that you have all this hurt and anger from the past. But by carrying it into today and the future, it is hurting you. There are many books written on grieving and letting go of that pain. My letting go of the past, and what happened was working the 12 steps. Whatever path you choose, you don't have to carry that with you. The past can't be changed. We let it go and move on. We learn to forgive, not for others but for our own healing. I know that you are a very loving and sensitive person, not mean. You have just been hurt deeply and haven't been able to let that hurt go and heal. It is hard to find the courage to let go and forgive, but I know you have it in you. You know where the love and support are. You know how to reach out. You have been through tougher challenges and come out strong. You aren't going to let one ugly old resentment keep you down, are you? Hugs, Magic