Boundaries
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Boundaries
My husband has been sober for 100 days as of yesterday......today 101.............he has been working overtime quite a bit lately.....and I cant help to think (hmmmm is he really working ot) it has only been three months since his affair.....and there are alot of trust issues.......I wasn’t thinking very clearly just lastnight.......and I felt myself wanting to ask questions......wanting to bring up the affair......ask him if he was interested in someone else.........I dont know what was wrong with me........none of those questions would have done any good....even if he answered them exactly the way i thought he should.....I was just driving myself crazy lastnight.....and all he did was work ot....but i get lost in all the stuff he did to me....and I have alot of resentement and insecurities....... and I am scared of getting hurt again…..I really need to get passed all of that......but man is it hard.......I have to train myself to think a different way.......I know I cannot control anything but me……If he has an affair there is nothing I can do except leave…….if he drinks there is nothing I can do except leave…….there is nothing I can do about the way he acts, behaves……who he talks to, who he doesn’t talk to……I am no longer setting rules for him……..or threatening him……I am setting them for me…….I deserve for someone to be faithful to me…….I deserve respect, love, kindness….but as for right now I am taking baby steps………I have set boundaries for myself.....and I have to keep promising myself that I will follow through when or if the time comes........for me.......two things that I have promised myself …….I will not be physically harmed again in no way and two I will not stay with a man who cannot be faithful too me……..I have to let him know that I mean business…..I have decided for me that I will move out…..or he will have to move out.....(?) if either one of these boundaries are broken……I am going to make that very clear tomorrow at my counseling session……..so he knows, and he wont be blind sided, so there is no question………Words are just words to me right now…….most of the time I am hearing quack, quack, quack…….but there are times I let them get passed my barrier and man if he just don’t shut up…
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
breec,
Until you quit focussing on him, and start focussing on making your life better, you're not going to get any answers. I know how hard it is to tear my mind away from someone elses actions, thoughts and life, and look at myself. But until I did, nothing got better. There are plenty of ways to help get out of the obsession. I go to meetings, talk to people in Al-Anon, work the 12 steps, do things for me that improve my day. Detaching is a great tool, but it can only work if you use it to focus on helping yourself. Hugs, Magic
Until you quit focussing on him, and start focussing on making your life better, you're not going to get any answers. I know how hard it is to tear my mind away from someone elses actions, thoughts and life, and look at myself. But until I did, nothing got better. There are plenty of ways to help get out of the obsession. I go to meetings, talk to people in Al-Anon, work the 12 steps, do things for me that improve my day. Detaching is a great tool, but it can only work if you use it to focus on helping yourself. Hugs, Magic
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
Magic has good advice about getting over your trust issues and obsessions. I obsess quite often and it makes me feel so bad.
I think you are right on about expressing your expectations. I just left another relationship in which I asked my SO to leave. Both times they were shocked and didn't "know" we were having problems. And I thought I had communicated very clearly that I was unhappy. Either I am being manipulated, I choose extremely dense SO's or I didn't express myself strongly and clearly enough (I'm betting on this last one). So lay it out. No harm in that. As long as it isn't a threat but just a statement.
I think you are right on about expressing your expectations. I just left another relationship in which I asked my SO to leave. Both times they were shocked and didn't "know" we were having problems. And I thought I had communicated very clearly that I was unhappy. Either I am being manipulated, I choose extremely dense SO's or I didn't express myself strongly and clearly enough (I'm betting on this last one). So lay it out. No harm in that. As long as it isn't a threat but just a statement.
Guest
Posts: n/a
Am I still focussing on him that much????????? Is that what my posts are potraying???? If it is please tell me.....am I fooling myself.......thinking that I am starting to work on me??????? Well whatever I am doing......I am starting to feel a little better about me........I just have my moments when nothing seems right......He just called and he has to work OT again today.......and maybe the rest of this week.....he asked me what I want him to do......I said that it is your choice......;you decide....
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
You were betrayed and you are setting new boundaries for yourself. You are working on you and you are making progress. But we all have those moments where we get caught up in the past and I completely understand where you're coming from.
Don't worry, you're doing just fine.
Don't worry, you're doing just fine.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by breec3
My husband has been sober for 100 days as of yesterday......today 101.............he has been working overtime quite a bit lately.....and I cant help to think (hmmmm is he really working ot) it has only been three months since his affair.....and there are alot of trust issues.......I wasn’t thinking very clearly just lastnight.......and I felt myself wanting to ask questions......wanting to bring up the affair......ask him if he was interested in someone else.........I dont know what was wrong with me........none of those questions would have done any good....even if he answered them exactly the way i thought he should.....I was just driving myself crazy lastnight.....and all he did was work ot....but i get lost in all the stuff he did to me....and I have alot of resentement and insecurities....... and I am scared of getting hurt again…..I really need to get passed all of that......but man is it hard.......I have to train myself to think a different way.......I know I cannot control anything but me……If he has an affair there is nothing I can do except leave…….if he drinks there is nothing I can do except leave…….there is nothing I can do about the way he acts, behaves……who he talks to, who he doesn’t talk to……I am no longer setting rules for him……..or threatening him……I am setting them for me…….I deserve for someone to be faithful to me…….I deserve respect, love, kindness….but as for right now I am taking baby steps………I have set boundaries for myself.....and I have to keep promising myself that I will follow through when or if the time comes........for me.......two things that I have promised myself …….I will not be physically harmed again in no way and two I will not stay with a man who cannot be faithful too me……..I have to let him know that I mean business…..I have decided for me that I will move out…..or he will have to move out.....(?) if either one of these boundaries are broken……I am going to make that very clear tomorrow at my counseling session……..so he knows, and he wont be blind sided, so there is no question………Words are just words to me right now…….most of the time I am hearing quack, quack, quack…….but there are times I let them get passed my barrier and man if he just don’t shut up…
Boundries are not set for them, we set boundries for ourselves.
I have to let him know that I mean business.
I am sure he is well aware that cheating isn't acceptable in any marriage, and to HAVE to let him know that you mean business, is to make this about his behavior, his cheating, his choices. This isn't about his behavior, his cheating, or his choices, this is about YOU, self-respect, your behavior and your choices........ which in reality, has nothing to do with what he does, or what he doesn't do. It has EVERYTHING to do with what you do, or you do not do. Boundries are for us, and have nothing in reality, to do with them at all.
His choices, his behavior, his cheating have absolutely NOTHING to do with YOU at all. He is coming from his own place inside himself, and the reality is that you have nothing to do with why he chooses to do or not do ...ANYTHING.
This is his responsibility, it has nothing to do with you at all, so let him own it, its his.
Again, take care of you, and your recovery,
Patsy
Paused
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Indianapolis, In
Posts: 112
You said that you were thinking about the affair and wanting to ask questions...then said you didn't know what was wrong with you. Sweetie...who wouldn't feel like that. He betrayed your trust and now you question his fidelity. Normal. Hugs to you for dealing with that.
I agree with JG...you are doing great. You recognize what you need to work on and you are doing that.
I agree with JG...you are doing great. You recognize what you need to work on and you are doing that.
Dancing To My Own Beat
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: I don't know what kind of state I'm in
Posts: 1,326
breec,
You are getting better. I have seen a change in a lot of your posts. But don't expect that you will stop and never do it anymore. It's a process. It takes time. I was only going by this post. Resentments are obsessive. I still am working on some that I have. They culminate in fear, mistrust, and anger. When they come up, I have to realize they have come up, and work on getting the focus back on me. Things that have happened in the past,like an affair, are in the past. They hurt us, and we project that hurt into today and the future. It takes time to work through those feelings. Have you really explored how this has affected you? For me, writing, and talking to my sponsor about the things that have affected me have helped me realize that I have to let go of the past, and forgive. You have a choice to stay and try to forgive and let go of what has happened, or decide that it's not something you can live with, and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to help. I can't live with fear and anger anymore. There is no solution in that. Finding a way to get through it is my only solution. There may come a time when you can talk to your husband about this, without blame and anger. When that time comes, you will have some peace. Until then, keep going. There's no time limit. Keep posting. Keep working through it. We are here for you. Hugs, Magic
You are getting better. I have seen a change in a lot of your posts. But don't expect that you will stop and never do it anymore. It's a process. It takes time. I was only going by this post. Resentments are obsessive. I still am working on some that I have. They culminate in fear, mistrust, and anger. When they come up, I have to realize they have come up, and work on getting the focus back on me. Things that have happened in the past,like an affair, are in the past. They hurt us, and we project that hurt into today and the future. It takes time to work through those feelings. Have you really explored how this has affected you? For me, writing, and talking to my sponsor about the things that have affected me have helped me realize that I have to let go of the past, and forgive. You have a choice to stay and try to forgive and let go of what has happened, or decide that it's not something you can live with, and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to help. I can't live with fear and anger anymore. There is no solution in that. Finding a way to get through it is my only solution. There may come a time when you can talk to your husband about this, without blame and anger. When that time comes, you will have some peace. Until then, keep going. There's no time limit. Keep posting. Keep working through it. We are here for you. Hugs, Magic
Member
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: Boston
Posts: 710
Originally Posted by Magichappens
breec,
You are getting better. I have seen a change in a lot of your posts. But don't expect that you will stop and never do it anymore. It's a process. It takes time. I was only going by this post. Resentments are obsessive. I still am working on some that I have. They culminate in fear, mistrust, and anger. When they come up, I have to realize they have come up, and work on getting the focus back on me. Things that have happened in the past,like an affair, are in the past. They hurt us, and we project that hurt into today and the future. It takes time to work through those feelings. Have you really explored how this has affected you? For me, writing, and talking to my sponsor about the things that have affected me have helped me realize that I have to let go of the past, and forgive. You have a choice to stay and try to forgive and let go of what has happened, or decide that it's not something you can live with, and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to help. I can't live with fear and anger anymore. There is no solution in that. Finding a way to get through it is my only solution. There may come a time when you can talk to your husband about this, without blame and anger. When that time comes, you will have some peace. Until then, keep going. There's no time limit. Keep posting. Keep working through it. We are here for you. Hugs, Magic
You are getting better. I have seen a change in a lot of your posts. But don't expect that you will stop and never do it anymore. It's a process. It takes time. I was only going by this post. Resentments are obsessive. I still am working on some that I have. They culminate in fear, mistrust, and anger. When they come up, I have to realize they have come up, and work on getting the focus back on me. Things that have happened in the past,like an affair, are in the past. They hurt us, and we project that hurt into today and the future. It takes time to work through those feelings. Have you really explored how this has affected you? For me, writing, and talking to my sponsor about the things that have affected me have helped me realize that I have to let go of the past, and forgive. You have a choice to stay and try to forgive and let go of what has happened, or decide that it's not something you can live with, and move on. Dwelling on it isn't going to help. I can't live with fear and anger anymore. There is no solution in that. Finding a way to get through it is my only solution. There may come a time when you can talk to your husband about this, without blame and anger. When that time comes, you will have some peace. Until then, keep going. There's no time limit. Keep posting. Keep working through it. We are here for you. Hugs, Magic
Thank you for sharing,
Patsy
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