'Ello.
Disasterpiece.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: London, England
Posts: 4
'Ello.
Hey all. Ruby here. (no, it’s not my real name but it’ll do in a pinch)
I’m 26, and live near London, England.
Apologies, this is going to be long.
I’ve been entertaining the idea of getting sober for just over a year. I’ve been making a half-arsed attempt at getting sober for just over a year, too.
I’ve been drinking since I was 18 (I was a late bloomer with a very straightlaced group of friends, so I barely touched a drop before my 18th birthday - never had any dreams nor opportunity to contravene the legal drinking age over here). I started drinking as a very gotta-fit-in kind of thing - I went to University and fell in with two new groups of friends who were nothing like the people I knew at school.
For a few years I drank pretty much the average amount and the average frequency for the average university student - which is, probably to say too much anyway, but the point is that I generally had it under control and knew when to stop. Liked to stop before things got too messy. I had the occasional hangover but didn’t really think I had a problem with my drinking.
I can’t really pinpoint when I started going overboard, but I reckon it was about the point when I left University, moved back in with my parents and ended up unemployed. 4 years later, I’m still living with my parents and still largely unemployed - this is mostly due to laziness coupled with anxiety and self esteem problems. I’m trying to work on it.
Anyway, there’s a bit of background waffle, onto the juicy stuff.
Basically, I’ve hated drinking (90% of the time) for about two years now. I’ve frequently gone overboard. When I say overboard, I mean I have quite a low guilt threshold. Though I’ve often blacked out and lost bits of nights, I’ve never full on passed out from drinking and only ever thrown up from drink once (I do have a strong stomach though). However, I frequently make stupid decisions and I have done a lot of things I regret, have ended up in a few unsafe situations, and pretty much every time I drink more than two/three drinks on a night out, I will wake up hating myself for some reason. I don’t drink every day, though sometimes the temptation is there. I’m more of a social drinker and tend to drink most when I go out with people.
Now, the people: All of my friends are drinkers, and I do mean all of them. I only know one single person who doesn’t drink, and she’s a Type 1 Diabetic so she literally can’t. Funnily enough, she’s one of the most fun people I know. I don’t have many friends who’d go out, have a few drinks and switch to soda. Most of them drink to varying levels of excess. A lot of them drink more than me, though I don’t think that justifies what I do. I still hate myself and the way I drink.
So, I know a difficult selection of people for sobriety, and my social life is also pretty incompatible. I’m heavily into music, and most of my socialising revolves around gigs and rock clubs, which aren’t the best places to go if you seek moderation. (unless you know a bunch of straight edge kids) (which I don’t) (wish I did though)
Basically, I WISH I could quit completely, but my life is very incompatible. I have very low self esteem, a lot of anxiety issues, and used to be terrible at socialising and hugely isolated before I discovered alcohol. Now booze socialises for me, which would be alright if I could control it, but I can’t. I've tried to cut down many times in the past but to be honest, it's such a ******* effort and never works.
So I wish I could have come on here today and said ‘I’m quitting, that’s it, no more’, but I can’t, because I literally cannot imagine my life without booze. My life IS my social life, and my social life IS heavy drinking. For a lot of my friends that’s okay, they don’t have massive problems with alcohol (as far as I know), but I feel completely out of control of my drinking and things are edging towards pretty scary territory.
I guess it’s probably a good thing that I’ve come on here and decided to try and make a change before things DO get really scary. But, to be honest, I just don’t know how to go about it.
Alcohol is literally ruining my life - or at least putting it on hold. I'm always anxious. I can never get my arse into gear and apply for jobs. I can never lose weight despite constantly being on a diet. And I'm constantly unsatisfied with my life.
To be honest, I’d love to just replace my entire friendship group with a bunch of sober people who were also into the same things as me, because then I’d find this so much easier, but right now I have no idea how to do it. There’s always something coming up. I’m going to a gig tomorrow. A bloody Halloween clubnight next weekend. A gig and a friend’s birthday the week after that. I literally have no idea how to handle that **** and actually HAVE FUN if I’m sober. (not that I ever have much fun when I'm drinking anyway...)
Not to sound like a massive pile of motivation-starved uselessness but, uh, help? Advice? Something? Anything?
I’m 26, and live near London, England.
Apologies, this is going to be long.
I’ve been entertaining the idea of getting sober for just over a year. I’ve been making a half-arsed attempt at getting sober for just over a year, too.
I’ve been drinking since I was 18 (I was a late bloomer with a very straightlaced group of friends, so I barely touched a drop before my 18th birthday - never had any dreams nor opportunity to contravene the legal drinking age over here). I started drinking as a very gotta-fit-in kind of thing - I went to University and fell in with two new groups of friends who were nothing like the people I knew at school.
For a few years I drank pretty much the average amount and the average frequency for the average university student - which is, probably to say too much anyway, but the point is that I generally had it under control and knew when to stop. Liked to stop before things got too messy. I had the occasional hangover but didn’t really think I had a problem with my drinking.
I can’t really pinpoint when I started going overboard, but I reckon it was about the point when I left University, moved back in with my parents and ended up unemployed. 4 years later, I’m still living with my parents and still largely unemployed - this is mostly due to laziness coupled with anxiety and self esteem problems. I’m trying to work on it.
Anyway, there’s a bit of background waffle, onto the juicy stuff.
Basically, I’ve hated drinking (90% of the time) for about two years now. I’ve frequently gone overboard. When I say overboard, I mean I have quite a low guilt threshold. Though I’ve often blacked out and lost bits of nights, I’ve never full on passed out from drinking and only ever thrown up from drink once (I do have a strong stomach though). However, I frequently make stupid decisions and I have done a lot of things I regret, have ended up in a few unsafe situations, and pretty much every time I drink more than two/three drinks on a night out, I will wake up hating myself for some reason. I don’t drink every day, though sometimes the temptation is there. I’m more of a social drinker and tend to drink most when I go out with people.
Now, the people: All of my friends are drinkers, and I do mean all of them. I only know one single person who doesn’t drink, and she’s a Type 1 Diabetic so she literally can’t. Funnily enough, she’s one of the most fun people I know. I don’t have many friends who’d go out, have a few drinks and switch to soda. Most of them drink to varying levels of excess. A lot of them drink more than me, though I don’t think that justifies what I do. I still hate myself and the way I drink.
So, I know a difficult selection of people for sobriety, and my social life is also pretty incompatible. I’m heavily into music, and most of my socialising revolves around gigs and rock clubs, which aren’t the best places to go if you seek moderation. (unless you know a bunch of straight edge kids) (which I don’t) (wish I did though)
Basically, I WISH I could quit completely, but my life is very incompatible. I have very low self esteem, a lot of anxiety issues, and used to be terrible at socialising and hugely isolated before I discovered alcohol. Now booze socialises for me, which would be alright if I could control it, but I can’t. I've tried to cut down many times in the past but to be honest, it's such a ******* effort and never works.
So I wish I could have come on here today and said ‘I’m quitting, that’s it, no more’, but I can’t, because I literally cannot imagine my life without booze. My life IS my social life, and my social life IS heavy drinking. For a lot of my friends that’s okay, they don’t have massive problems with alcohol (as far as I know), but I feel completely out of control of my drinking and things are edging towards pretty scary territory.
I guess it’s probably a good thing that I’ve come on here and decided to try and make a change before things DO get really scary. But, to be honest, I just don’t know how to go about it.
Alcohol is literally ruining my life - or at least putting it on hold. I'm always anxious. I can never get my arse into gear and apply for jobs. I can never lose weight despite constantly being on a diet. And I'm constantly unsatisfied with my life.
To be honest, I’d love to just replace my entire friendship group with a bunch of sober people who were also into the same things as me, because then I’d find this so much easier, but right now I have no idea how to do it. There’s always something coming up. I’m going to a gig tomorrow. A bloody Halloween clubnight next weekend. A gig and a friend’s birthday the week after that. I literally have no idea how to handle that **** and actually HAVE FUN if I’m sober. (not that I ever have much fun when I'm drinking anyway...)
Not to sound like a massive pile of motivation-starved uselessness but, uh, help? Advice? Something? Anything?
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Welcome to Sober Recovery.
So here is the heart of the matter. Drinking is the problem, but you don't want to change anything but the drinking.
I'm not sure sobriety works that way. It certainly didn't for me. Recovery MEANS change. For some the change is drastic. The alcoholic has to remake themselves, and that isn't easy.
For others, our drinking did most of the changing for us. It alienated us from friends, family, loved one. Robbed us of our jobs, dignity, sanity.
I'm sure looking at the changes you have to make in your life, it looks insurmountable. But when you look at the changes that drinking will wrought on your life if you continue, the choice is pretty clear. Find a new focus for your life, a new social sphere that supports sobriety or else all you will have will be drinking.
Originally Posted by rubythursday 
My life IS my social life, and my social life IS heavy drinking.
I'm not sure sobriety works that way. It certainly didn't for me. Recovery MEANS change. For some the change is drastic. The alcoholic has to remake themselves, and that isn't easy.
For others, our drinking did most of the changing for us. It alienated us from friends, family, loved one. Robbed us of our jobs, dignity, sanity.
I'm sure looking at the changes you have to make in your life, it looks insurmountable. But when you look at the changes that drinking will wrought on your life if you continue, the choice is pretty clear. Find a new focus for your life, a new social sphere that supports sobriety or else all you will have will be drinking.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Hi and welcome. If you don't like your drinking for any reason that is good enough reason to quit. Drinking to excess is indication of a problem, blackouts are very worrisome. If I were you I'd get this under control asap. Here's the kicker, the way to get it under control is stopping. Just like your friend with Diabetes, alcoholics "literally can't drink" safely either.
It is entirely possible to be into the music scene, go to gigs, Halloween parties, enjoy the holidays, celebrate birthdays, etc etc without alcohol. Entirely possible. A LOT of people do these things sober. And just being sober does not mean that these people are "straight edge" or boring or anything negative. That said, while you are getting sober, depending on how difficult that is for you, it might be hard to be around the same people and the same places while changing your behavior.
I want to be really careful here, because I don't want to make any false assumptions about you or your drinking. But from what you have written it sounds like you are just at the start of a drinking problem/alcoholism. I was just about the same way (some heavy drinking here and there, mostly as part of my social life, some black outs, never vomiting, basically taking care of life) when I was about 21, 22. I'm now 35 and I can assure you it only goes downhill. I went from party girl, just having fun to taking nips of the vodka bottle at 8am before I took my kids to school, stopping at a bar for a glass of wine at 10:30 am after leaving the gym, drinking myself into oblivion night after night after night. Anxiety and depression, loss of memory, completely embarrassing behavior in front of family and friends, risky drunk driving, dry heaving while trying to brush my teeth in the morning, generally feeling like total sh*t every single waking minute of every single day.
I'm not trying to scare you. Ok, I'm trying to scare you.
Please take a long, hard look at your drinking. In the end if you don't really see it as a problem, great. But one huge thing stuck out in your post and that was the repeated mention that you don't like drinking and don't want to drink. Then don't! There are so many alternative beverages and you can have just as much fun while drinking them.
I'll hope you'll stick around and read and post. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
It is entirely possible to be into the music scene, go to gigs, Halloween parties, enjoy the holidays, celebrate birthdays, etc etc without alcohol. Entirely possible. A LOT of people do these things sober. And just being sober does not mean that these people are "straight edge" or boring or anything negative. That said, while you are getting sober, depending on how difficult that is for you, it might be hard to be around the same people and the same places while changing your behavior.
I want to be really careful here, because I don't want to make any false assumptions about you or your drinking. But from what you have written it sounds like you are just at the start of a drinking problem/alcoholism. I was just about the same way (some heavy drinking here and there, mostly as part of my social life, some black outs, never vomiting, basically taking care of life) when I was about 21, 22. I'm now 35 and I can assure you it only goes downhill. I went from party girl, just having fun to taking nips of the vodka bottle at 8am before I took my kids to school, stopping at a bar for a glass of wine at 10:30 am after leaving the gym, drinking myself into oblivion night after night after night. Anxiety and depression, loss of memory, completely embarrassing behavior in front of family and friends, risky drunk driving, dry heaving while trying to brush my teeth in the morning, generally feeling like total sh*t every single waking minute of every single day.
I'm not trying to scare you. Ok, I'm trying to scare you.
Please take a long, hard look at your drinking. In the end if you don't really see it as a problem, great. But one huge thing stuck out in your post and that was the repeated mention that you don't like drinking and don't want to drink. Then don't! There are so many alternative beverages and you can have just as much fun while drinking them.
I'll hope you'll stick around and read and post. Best of luck to you whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Find a new focus for your life, a new social sphere that supports sobriety or else all you will have will be drinking.
Read it again, "find a new focus for your life, a new social sphere that supports sobriety or else all you will have will be drinking"
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 155
I'm seeing my first concert ever sober on Saturday, I will let you know how it goes. So far everything else has been better sober. Congrats on your new sobriety. Don't focus to much on the future. One day at a time
Life is an unlikely miracle.
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: England
Posts: 1,859
Hi Ruby, welcome. Life only revolves around heavy drinking if you are a heavy drinker. If you are not a drinker, it doesn't enter the equation. Take it one day at a time. Good luck on your journey, you will find tons of support here. I'm from UK also -near *******.
Disasterpiece.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: London, England
Posts: 4
Hi guys! Thanks for the quick replies 
No, I'm perfectly happy to see it as a problem. Granted I may not have much of a problem in comparison to a lot of people on here, but I'm worried that I may have the starts of one, and to be honest, it's already affecting my life enough that I consider it nothing but a 'problem'! So it's a problem, and I don't want it.
Aaaand yeah, I think that's the issue. I'm not saying that if I hung out with a bunch of sober people that I'd have no desire to drink ('cause I do quite often drink alone) but my social life is REALLY not helping my willpower. To be honest, there is only one person in my circle of friends who I consider a 'proper' friend and the rest are just..... people who I hang out with because they make me feel good about myself. Cool, important, liked, interesting... you know the drill. Check out my marvellous self-esteem levels. And that's the reason why I'm reticent to step away from them, even though their culture of drinking and partying 'til dawn REALLY doesn't agree with me.
So yeah, I'd agree that the best idea is to find a new group of people to hang out with, but as I mentioned, I'm no good at making friends without drinking. Before I started drinking I literally had four friends, and I was only friends with them because we'd grown up in the same class at school and were all picked on so kind of banded together. Not exactly our choice. So I have absolutely zero experience of making friends without alcohol, and it's really hard to imagine being able to scrape together the confidence to do that.
I know that getting a permanent job will help, and it's something I'm really working on at the moment, because the other issue here is that I have no REASON to be sober. I can go out any day of the week and get hammered. I can stay in any day of the week and get hammered. I don't have anything to do but drink anyway. It's very boring (boredom is a big issue with the drinking as well actually), and very unhealthy. And I guess I might make some friends through work, too?
But in the meantime I'd still like to do something about the drinking itself. I'm trying not to think ahead to this Halloween thing next week, but I might actually have a go at not drinking at the gig I'm going to tomorrow. Baby steps, I know, haha. But I've never actually TRIED not drinking at a gig, and it would really help to know if I can do that and still enjoy myself. Then after that... well, there's no alcohol in the house at the moment, and I have no plans to buy some, so....
Originally Posted by Meraviglioso
In the end if you don't really see it as a problem, great.
Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Find a new focus for your life, a new social sphere that supports sobriety or else all you will have will be drinking.
So yeah, I'd agree that the best idea is to find a new group of people to hang out with, but as I mentioned, I'm no good at making friends without drinking. Before I started drinking I literally had four friends, and I was only friends with them because we'd grown up in the same class at school and were all picked on so kind of banded together. Not exactly our choice. So I have absolutely zero experience of making friends without alcohol, and it's really hard to imagine being able to scrape together the confidence to do that.
I know that getting a permanent job will help, and it's something I'm really working on at the moment, because the other issue here is that I have no REASON to be sober. I can go out any day of the week and get hammered. I can stay in any day of the week and get hammered. I don't have anything to do but drink anyway. It's very boring (boredom is a big issue with the drinking as well actually), and very unhealthy. And I guess I might make some friends through work, too?
But in the meantime I'd still like to do something about the drinking itself. I'm trying not to think ahead to this Halloween thing next week, but I might actually have a go at not drinking at the gig I'm going to tomorrow. Baby steps, I know, haha. But I've never actually TRIED not drinking at a gig, and it would really help to know if I can do that and still enjoy myself. Then after that... well, there's no alcohol in the house at the moment, and I have no plans to buy some, so....
Disasterpiece.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: London, England
Posts: 4
Originally Posted by JanieJ
Life only revolves around heavy drinking if you are a heavy drinker. If you are not a drinker, it doesn't enter the equation.
It sounds like utopia to not be thinking about booze all the time though, tbh. It's nice to know it's possible!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Ok, I didn't want to make any false assumptions. And it is no contest! A problem is a problem and if it is affecting your life and you don't like it, THAT is what matters. I used some pretty harsh examples from my life, but in reality I have a really good life and others suffering from this have it "worse" But I want to quit and it has negatively affected me and that is what I focus on. All that said to say I wasn't trying to minimize what you are going through in any way. Just wanted to give you the real life experience warning that it can go downhill.
I think getting a job will majorly help. If I think about the people I consider my good friends I met them either in school or at work. Just making real, true friends out and about is hard for anyone. I don't just walk up to strangers and make friends. It takes shared experiences and a length of time spent together to form a friendship. YOu could also look into activities that don't involve alcohol- are you into any sports? Reading? Cooking? Other hobbies?
I think getting a job will majorly help. If I think about the people I consider my good friends I met them either in school or at work. Just making real, true friends out and about is hard for anyone. I don't just walk up to strangers and make friends. It takes shared experiences and a length of time spent together to form a friendship. YOu could also look into activities that don't involve alcohol- are you into any sports? Reading? Cooking? Other hobbies?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 349
Hi rubythursday. You have to be willing to change and change is hard, I am not going to tell you it isn't. That often means people, places and things.
However, it doesn't sound like you are there yet and would like to keep the social life you still have so my suggestion would be to try the gig without the alcohol and see how it goes. It is one day at a time with how we do this.
Eventually you can work towards getting new, sober friends. Take baby steps.
Hugs.
However, it doesn't sound like you are there yet and would like to keep the social life you still have so my suggestion would be to try the gig without the alcohol and see how it goes. It is one day at a time with how we do this.
Eventually you can work towards getting new, sober friends. Take baby steps.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 59
hi rubythursday,
Your story seems so similar to mine. I could really identify with a lot of the stuff you mentioned there.
Some of the similarities are: I also didn't start drinking at a young age, I also grew up in a country where the legal age to drink was 18, I used to go out when I was 16-17 but never even got drunk, I never had to control or look at how much I was drinking, I would have bottles in front of me when I went out with friends and I would slowly sip my drink all throughout the night. Then I started college, was going out a lot, but I never would drink at home by myself, drinking was a social activity for me, I would maybe get drunk here and there, but it was never a constant issue that gave me a red flag about my drinking. After all, all of my friends went out to clubs and bars as much as I did and everyone drank as well. All through college, drinking was never the focus in my life and I did not have a drinking problem. After I graduated, I started -slowly- drinking by myself at home, just a couple of drinks, but would pretty much control it, and would not really crave a drink. BUT you know, alcoholism is progressive - so over time, over the years, no matter how slowly it progresses at first, IT DOES PROGRESS. I guess I had it in me...
Graduated college, had a 1-year break in between, started drinking by myself at night, but NEVER during the day, I was still able to manage my life perfectly. All it started out with was drinking every night. Then I realized, despite I was only drinking to sleep (I guess this was my excuse) during nighttime, I realized I was starting to drink every night - so I stopped for a couple of months even though like I said before, drinking at that point was not at all affecting my life negatively.
Seeing that I stopped for a couple of months and I could do it just fine, I started drinking again when going out with friends socializing. I started graduate school, my courses were very demanding and I basically had to study A LOT in order to get good grades. The school was very competitive. But I would drink every single night before going to bed. During the day, I would wake up, go to my classes, come home and study for a couple of hours after school, meet up with friends - life was just manageable and I was doing just fine. BUT, I was nonetheless drinking every single night - either out with friends or at home by myself. I noticed that I could not sleep (this is psychological) if I did not drink alcohol.
Over the years through graduate school, I continued drinking every single night, and noticed that I literally could not NOT drink at night. I would still not drink during the day, ever, but once it was evening - I needed to have alcohol. I was a very high-functioning alcoholic at that time, I did very well at school and my internships and everything else. I had a lot of friends, great grades and just overall a successful life. However, drinking was becoming an obsession - I could not NOT drink during the evening before going the bed and i would drink more and more to get the same effect. I enjoyed it so much too, I saw it as a way for me to relax after a long day at school/work.
But, alcoholism progresses and it did. This past year (2014), I continued drinking every single night (I had a job so could not drink during the day), however, on the weekends it was non-stop drinking from morning to night. It had become an intense obsession at this point. I could never control how much I would drink once I started, drinking was my main focus in life, everything else - work, friends, events - interfered with it. I had to have that drink in my hand and I had to have it NOW. I was using alcohol to numb my feelings and it came to a point where I could simply not deal with life without alcohol.
The sad part is, I was not even enjoying drinking anymore. I had to drink because I needed it, physically, to stop my hands from shaking, to feel normal again, I could not function without alcohol. However, it did not give me a buzz anymore, even if I drank two bottles of wine, I would either pass out or become so emotional. I would get upset at things I wouldn't if I were not drinking, I would make a big deal out of the smallest things and cry, and feel so much pity for myself. Poor me, poor me. Alcohol was not putting me in a good mood anymore, it was making everything worse. I did not even like myself when I drank but I COULD NOT STOP.
I am 28 years old, so not that much older from you. My drinking escalated so fast over the last year, it is hard to really express. I never thought it would come to this point where I fully realize I am an alcoholic, I can never control how much I would drink and what I would say or what would happen to me. Whatever amount I already drank was never enough - I had to have more, and then more. It's dangerous you know. As my drinking escalated, I increasingly put myself in more and more unsafe situations where people could take advantage of me. In the last couple of months, whenever I tried to have even one single drink, it would give me the gag reflex. My body just could not handle it anymore. I had bruises all over my body that I could not explain where they came from. My stomach was constantly burning from the acidity of wine.
I went to the DR and through some blood tests, my liver is not doing well, it is reversible, but I can't drink anymore, possibly forever, but I do take it one day at a time otherwise it's too much to handle. I would have bloodshot eyes sometimes, I would have unexplained bruises sometimes, I was so tired, I didn't have the energy to do anything, I didn't follow up on anything I would promise, I would always make promises and never keep them like meeting my friends at a certain place at a certain time - all I cared about was my drinking and nothing or no one was going to interfere with it. As my drinking progressed, I isolated myself more and more. I would not even want to meet friends because I did not even care for their conversation or company, all I needed was my drink in my hand. I also knew I had a problem and did not want people to see how much or how fast I drank. It's a really lonely and sad situation to be in.
I just wanted to write out my story so that you see, even though for you alcohol is starting to become a problem, I assure you that it will get worse. This past year, I blacked out every single night. Yeah, I would have a blackout here and there before. As it progressed, it was every night. Like Meraviglioso said, "from what you have written it sounds like you are just at the start of a drinking problem/alcoholism" --> I fully agree with this statement. You will either realize this now and try to take care of your health and things you have, or you will keep drinking and will experience full-blown alcoholism like I did.
Your story seems so similar to mine. I could really identify with a lot of the stuff you mentioned there.
Some of the similarities are: I also didn't start drinking at a young age, I also grew up in a country where the legal age to drink was 18, I used to go out when I was 16-17 but never even got drunk, I never had to control or look at how much I was drinking, I would have bottles in front of me when I went out with friends and I would slowly sip my drink all throughout the night. Then I started college, was going out a lot, but I never would drink at home by myself, drinking was a social activity for me, I would maybe get drunk here and there, but it was never a constant issue that gave me a red flag about my drinking. After all, all of my friends went out to clubs and bars as much as I did and everyone drank as well. All through college, drinking was never the focus in my life and I did not have a drinking problem. After I graduated, I started -slowly- drinking by myself at home, just a couple of drinks, but would pretty much control it, and would not really crave a drink. BUT you know, alcoholism is progressive - so over time, over the years, no matter how slowly it progresses at first, IT DOES PROGRESS. I guess I had it in me...
Graduated college, had a 1-year break in between, started drinking by myself at night, but NEVER during the day, I was still able to manage my life perfectly. All it started out with was drinking every night. Then I realized, despite I was only drinking to sleep (I guess this was my excuse) during nighttime, I realized I was starting to drink every night - so I stopped for a couple of months even though like I said before, drinking at that point was not at all affecting my life negatively.
Seeing that I stopped for a couple of months and I could do it just fine, I started drinking again when going out with friends socializing. I started graduate school, my courses were very demanding and I basically had to study A LOT in order to get good grades. The school was very competitive. But I would drink every single night before going to bed. During the day, I would wake up, go to my classes, come home and study for a couple of hours after school, meet up with friends - life was just manageable and I was doing just fine. BUT, I was nonetheless drinking every single night - either out with friends or at home by myself. I noticed that I could not sleep (this is psychological) if I did not drink alcohol.
Over the years through graduate school, I continued drinking every single night, and noticed that I literally could not NOT drink at night. I would still not drink during the day, ever, but once it was evening - I needed to have alcohol. I was a very high-functioning alcoholic at that time, I did very well at school and my internships and everything else. I had a lot of friends, great grades and just overall a successful life. However, drinking was becoming an obsession - I could not NOT drink during the evening before going the bed and i would drink more and more to get the same effect. I enjoyed it so much too, I saw it as a way for me to relax after a long day at school/work.
But, alcoholism progresses and it did. This past year (2014), I continued drinking every single night (I had a job so could not drink during the day), however, on the weekends it was non-stop drinking from morning to night. It had become an intense obsession at this point. I could never control how much I would drink once I started, drinking was my main focus in life, everything else - work, friends, events - interfered with it. I had to have that drink in my hand and I had to have it NOW. I was using alcohol to numb my feelings and it came to a point where I could simply not deal with life without alcohol.
The sad part is, I was not even enjoying drinking anymore. I had to drink because I needed it, physically, to stop my hands from shaking, to feel normal again, I could not function without alcohol. However, it did not give me a buzz anymore, even if I drank two bottles of wine, I would either pass out or become so emotional. I would get upset at things I wouldn't if I were not drinking, I would make a big deal out of the smallest things and cry, and feel so much pity for myself. Poor me, poor me. Alcohol was not putting me in a good mood anymore, it was making everything worse. I did not even like myself when I drank but I COULD NOT STOP.
I am 28 years old, so not that much older from you. My drinking escalated so fast over the last year, it is hard to really express. I never thought it would come to this point where I fully realize I am an alcoholic, I can never control how much I would drink and what I would say or what would happen to me. Whatever amount I already drank was never enough - I had to have more, and then more. It's dangerous you know. As my drinking escalated, I increasingly put myself in more and more unsafe situations where people could take advantage of me. In the last couple of months, whenever I tried to have even one single drink, it would give me the gag reflex. My body just could not handle it anymore. I had bruises all over my body that I could not explain where they came from. My stomach was constantly burning from the acidity of wine.
I went to the DR and through some blood tests, my liver is not doing well, it is reversible, but I can't drink anymore, possibly forever, but I do take it one day at a time otherwise it's too much to handle. I would have bloodshot eyes sometimes, I would have unexplained bruises sometimes, I was so tired, I didn't have the energy to do anything, I didn't follow up on anything I would promise, I would always make promises and never keep them like meeting my friends at a certain place at a certain time - all I cared about was my drinking and nothing or no one was going to interfere with it. As my drinking progressed, I isolated myself more and more. I would not even want to meet friends because I did not even care for their conversation or company, all I needed was my drink in my hand. I also knew I had a problem and did not want people to see how much or how fast I drank. It's a really lonely and sad situation to be in.
I just wanted to write out my story so that you see, even though for you alcohol is starting to become a problem, I assure you that it will get worse. This past year, I blacked out every single night. Yeah, I would have a blackout here and there before. As it progressed, it was every night. Like Meraviglioso said, "from what you have written it sounds like you are just at the start of a drinking problem/alcoholism" --> I fully agree with this statement. You will either realize this now and try to take care of your health and things you have, or you will keep drinking and will experience full-blown alcoholism like I did.
Disasterpiece.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: London, England
Posts: 4
Thanks for sharing your story, margherita <3 And gosh, I do actually agree with quite a few things you said there.
About drinking being an obsession? Totally. I mean, in some ways I still enjoy it - as in, I like the taste of some alcoholic drinks (but once I've started off on drinking a lot, I'll drink anything), and I enjoy the buzz I get from it in a social situation... for a while. (not nearly as much as I hate how I feel the next day if I go too far, which I do 90% of the time)
But I think about booze SO much. Way more than anything else I enjoy. Like, if someone will suggest a social event, practically the first thing I'll think about is drinking. And every time I think of that event, I'll think about drinking. I'll think about how much I'll drink, what I'll drink, where I'll be drinking... before even thinking about who I'll be seeing or what I'll be doing!
Days when I end up drinking alone at home (which aren't too often, mercifully), I usually decide to drink at an earlier point in the day, often because I'm bored or there's nothing interesting to look forward to in the near future. And once I've decided to drink that evening, I'll look forward to it all day. It gives me something to think about. Which is just... ugh.
And I believe you when you say it progresses, because I drink so much more now than I used to a couple of years ago. I used to be able to just have a couple of drinks when I was 18/19. I liked the taste of booze, only drank things I liked the taste of, and stopped drinking when I started feeling a bit drunk, because I didn't really like that feeling. It's totally different now. Once I've had a couple of drinks, I'll drink anything and won't stop until I literally run out of booze. It's an EFFORT to drink any less - I have to force myself. I'll only drink small amounts if I'm in the company of people I REALLY want to impress, and aside from that I literally have no self control any more. Even now I'm sitting here, and if I consider the idea of drinking tonight, it brightens me up a little. Gives me something to look forward to. (Not that I will - no booze in the house, and I actually have some rare willpower today, which is great)
At the moment my health is okay, but I am starting to worry about it. I get a dodgy stomach after a big drinking session that will last two or three days, rather than just a few hours as it used to, and coupled with the fact that I have a lot of anxiety and a phobia of vomiting, that's horrible. It's doing no good for my mental health, that's for certain, and I can never lose any weight. I do worry about my health a lot, so that's another incentive for me.
But yeah, as Cecilia44 says, in a way I don't want to change. Or, more specifically, I'm afraid of it, and don't feel like I have the strength to follow through on that change. After a lot of loneliness in my teens I finally have a social life full of people who (seem to) appreciate me (or just my company to justify their drunken antics). I DO enjoy alcohol in moderation. But I know I'm playing with fire in combining that with complete lack of self-control. I can see where this is going and I do not like it one bit.
Tbh, I can imagine an amazing life for myself without booze. It's just getting there that's going to be the problem because I will literally have to jettison almost everything around me, and I don't know what will be left. Sucks a bit, really. But that's part of the reason why I came on here today, just to have some people to talk to who don't consider getting hammered to be a valid pastime!!
About drinking being an obsession? Totally. I mean, in some ways I still enjoy it - as in, I like the taste of some alcoholic drinks (but once I've started off on drinking a lot, I'll drink anything), and I enjoy the buzz I get from it in a social situation... for a while. (not nearly as much as I hate how I feel the next day if I go too far, which I do 90% of the time)
But I think about booze SO much. Way more than anything else I enjoy. Like, if someone will suggest a social event, practically the first thing I'll think about is drinking. And every time I think of that event, I'll think about drinking. I'll think about how much I'll drink, what I'll drink, where I'll be drinking... before even thinking about who I'll be seeing or what I'll be doing!
Days when I end up drinking alone at home (which aren't too often, mercifully), I usually decide to drink at an earlier point in the day, often because I'm bored or there's nothing interesting to look forward to in the near future. And once I've decided to drink that evening, I'll look forward to it all day. It gives me something to think about. Which is just... ugh.
And I believe you when you say it progresses, because I drink so much more now than I used to a couple of years ago. I used to be able to just have a couple of drinks when I was 18/19. I liked the taste of booze, only drank things I liked the taste of, and stopped drinking when I started feeling a bit drunk, because I didn't really like that feeling. It's totally different now. Once I've had a couple of drinks, I'll drink anything and won't stop until I literally run out of booze. It's an EFFORT to drink any less - I have to force myself. I'll only drink small amounts if I'm in the company of people I REALLY want to impress, and aside from that I literally have no self control any more. Even now I'm sitting here, and if I consider the idea of drinking tonight, it brightens me up a little. Gives me something to look forward to. (Not that I will - no booze in the house, and I actually have some rare willpower today, which is great)
At the moment my health is okay, but I am starting to worry about it. I get a dodgy stomach after a big drinking session that will last two or three days, rather than just a few hours as it used to, and coupled with the fact that I have a lot of anxiety and a phobia of vomiting, that's horrible. It's doing no good for my mental health, that's for certain, and I can never lose any weight. I do worry about my health a lot, so that's another incentive for me.
But yeah, as Cecilia44 says, in a way I don't want to change. Or, more specifically, I'm afraid of it, and don't feel like I have the strength to follow through on that change. After a lot of loneliness in my teens I finally have a social life full of people who (seem to) appreciate me (or just my company to justify their drunken antics). I DO enjoy alcohol in moderation. But I know I'm playing with fire in combining that with complete lack of self-control. I can see where this is going and I do not like it one bit.
Tbh, I can imagine an amazing life for myself without booze. It's just getting there that's going to be the problem because I will literally have to jettison almost everything around me, and I don't know what will be left. Sucks a bit, really. But that's part of the reason why I came on here today, just to have some people to talk to who don't consider getting hammered to be a valid pastime!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 59
Ruby, this is already an amazing thing that you realize all of those things you mentioned. After all, all of us here LOVE drinking you know? We are alcoholics for God's sake
The fact that it is becoming an obsession is alarming. Alcoholics have a compulsion to drink, that's one of the ways you can identify an alcoholic. People who don't have a drinking problem do not have an obsession with alcohol nor do they constantly or increasingly think about drinking. They can take it or leave it. Normal drinkers do not worry if they can't drink ever again. They do it because they like the taste or the tipsy feeling, but do not at all think about it as much as problem drinkers do. I would either be drinking or thinking about the next time I would drink.
I can definitely identify with enjoying alcohol and the taste, and for a long while, I drank because I liked the taste and the booz. It gave me self-confidence. I felt more interesting, like I had more interesting and fun and cool things to talk about when drinking and that people would like me more in social situations.
I also started drinking earlier and earlier during the day, because especially on the weekends I did not have much to do, and it was a way to spend time because I am bored like you - and so I would look forward to drinking and it would give me something to do.
Even at school or work, I was fine doing whatever I had to do during the day, as long as I had the prospect of drinking later that day. It made me feel OK knowing I was gonna go home and drink and be able to relax. As long as I had the prospect of drinking later, I was fine.
Like you said, I was very selective too. I would only drink wine. But once I started, it did not matter. I would increasingly pick cocktails and/or mix various drinks so that they would make the drunk faster.
Also, you say that it is an effort to drink less & you mention the lack of self-control. That is also very concerning. As I said, normal drinkers never worry or make an effort about how much they are doing to drink once they start or if they are able to stop. They just are able to stop whenever. On the other hand, alcoholics and problem drinkers do not stop as easily (from my personal experience, this gets harder to achieve as the problem progresses). Problem drinkers will start drinking and be annoyed and anxious if they cannot drink as much as they want/need. There have been countless times I told myself I am not going to drink today - and a couple of hours later when I would feel better, I would go ahead and drink.
Honestly, I also like drinking as part of socializing, and I miss it. I most definitely do not miss those times when I would be home by myself and drink in isolation. But, when I think of a social situation, like going out with friends, having drinks with coworkers, halloween, thanksgiving, new years eve, I mean not drinking in those situations where everyone else i drinking is kind of boring to me and it feels like while everyone has a nice buzz having a good time, I will be sober as it gets and not having fun. However, I have to remind myself that those people do not drink to get drunk - while I do. Those people will have a couple of drinks and know when to stop, they will remember the entire night and what they said and did - whereas I will drink until oblivion and get wasted and black out most likely and I won't even remember much of the night. I will most likely say things I don't mean or do things that are embarrassing. (Not every single day, I could perhaps control my drinking a couple of times, but it will lead to no control as this goes on). So in a sense, I don't even want to be a normal drinker, have one glass of wine in my hand all night long and hang out like that. I want to drink and drink and drink - which is bad news. I don't think I would enjoy having 2 glasses of wine, being slightly tipsy and going to bed - I see no point in that. So when my mind tells me that I wish I could drink like a normal person, I am not even sure I would enjoy that. Drinking at this point has no appeal to me if it does not make me drunk.
Change is very hard, I also wish I didn't have to change, a life without alcohol is a major change for those of us drinking like we did, but I already see that things are much better and I would be crazy to want to go back to that misery and constant mental obsession (I guess I am a bit crazy).
You do have the strength, do not let your addictive voice in your head tell you otherwise. So many people, much worse than us, who have lost their family, their friends, their job, their home, they somehow found the strength and became sober. You are I haven't really lost all that much yet, so we should consider ourselves very lucky. I also have a hard time imagining going out with friends and socializing without drinking, I would feel I am not as interesting when talking to people, and I just feel more confident when I have a couple of drinks in me - but this is a lifestyle change, and do we not deserve people who want to be around us and think we are fun and interesting and attractive when we are simply ourselves?
The fact that it is becoming an obsession is alarming. Alcoholics have a compulsion to drink, that's one of the ways you can identify an alcoholic. People who don't have a drinking problem do not have an obsession with alcohol nor do they constantly or increasingly think about drinking. They can take it or leave it. Normal drinkers do not worry if they can't drink ever again. They do it because they like the taste or the tipsy feeling, but do not at all think about it as much as problem drinkers do. I would either be drinking or thinking about the next time I would drink.
I can definitely identify with enjoying alcohol and the taste, and for a long while, I drank because I liked the taste and the booz. It gave me self-confidence. I felt more interesting, like I had more interesting and fun and cool things to talk about when drinking and that people would like me more in social situations.
I also started drinking earlier and earlier during the day, because especially on the weekends I did not have much to do, and it was a way to spend time because I am bored like you - and so I would look forward to drinking and it would give me something to do.
Even at school or work, I was fine doing whatever I had to do during the day, as long as I had the prospect of drinking later that day. It made me feel OK knowing I was gonna go home and drink and be able to relax. As long as I had the prospect of drinking later, I was fine.
Like you said, I was very selective too. I would only drink wine. But once I started, it did not matter. I would increasingly pick cocktails and/or mix various drinks so that they would make the drunk faster.
Also, you say that it is an effort to drink less & you mention the lack of self-control. That is also very concerning. As I said, normal drinkers never worry or make an effort about how much they are doing to drink once they start or if they are able to stop. They just are able to stop whenever. On the other hand, alcoholics and problem drinkers do not stop as easily (from my personal experience, this gets harder to achieve as the problem progresses). Problem drinkers will start drinking and be annoyed and anxious if they cannot drink as much as they want/need. There have been countless times I told myself I am not going to drink today - and a couple of hours later when I would feel better, I would go ahead and drink.
Honestly, I also like drinking as part of socializing, and I miss it. I most definitely do not miss those times when I would be home by myself and drink in isolation. But, when I think of a social situation, like going out with friends, having drinks with coworkers, halloween, thanksgiving, new years eve, I mean not drinking in those situations where everyone else i drinking is kind of boring to me and it feels like while everyone has a nice buzz having a good time, I will be sober as it gets and not having fun. However, I have to remind myself that those people do not drink to get drunk - while I do. Those people will have a couple of drinks and know when to stop, they will remember the entire night and what they said and did - whereas I will drink until oblivion and get wasted and black out most likely and I won't even remember much of the night. I will most likely say things I don't mean or do things that are embarrassing. (Not every single day, I could perhaps control my drinking a couple of times, but it will lead to no control as this goes on). So in a sense, I don't even want to be a normal drinker, have one glass of wine in my hand all night long and hang out like that. I want to drink and drink and drink - which is bad news. I don't think I would enjoy having 2 glasses of wine, being slightly tipsy and going to bed - I see no point in that. So when my mind tells me that I wish I could drink like a normal person, I am not even sure I would enjoy that. Drinking at this point has no appeal to me if it does not make me drunk.
Change is very hard, I also wish I didn't have to change, a life without alcohol is a major change for those of us drinking like we did, but I already see that things are much better and I would be crazy to want to go back to that misery and constant mental obsession (I guess I am a bit crazy).
You do have the strength, do not let your addictive voice in your head tell you otherwise. So many people, much worse than us, who have lost their family, their friends, their job, their home, they somehow found the strength and became sober. You are I haven't really lost all that much yet, so we should consider ourselves very lucky. I also have a hard time imagining going out with friends and socializing without drinking, I would feel I am not as interesting when talking to people, and I just feel more confident when I have a couple of drinks in me - but this is a lifestyle change, and do we not deserve people who want to be around us and think we are fun and interesting and attractive when we are simply ourselves?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 25,826
Welcome to the Forum Ruby!! 
Fo me I needed to make a choice as to what was more important, my social activities or being Sober, I couldn't go out clubbing on a Thursday night and still expect to be Sober, it was all or nothing, and yes that meant change, nothing changes if nothing changes Ruby!!
In hindsight the benefits of Sobriety vastly outweigh those blackouts and missing memories of many a night, the fear for my health is now a non issue!!
Fo me I needed to make a choice as to what was more important, my social activities or being Sober, I couldn't go out clubbing on a Thursday night and still expect to be Sober, it was all or nothing, and yes that meant change, nothing changes if nothing changes Ruby!!
In hindsight the benefits of Sobriety vastly outweigh those blackouts and missing memories of many a night, the fear for my health is now a non issue!!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,385
Welcome Ruby
I defined myself as a drinker...my life revolved around drinking.
I had to walk away from that life if I wanted to stop drinking.
I thought my life was over...but really it was just beginning...I found a me I;'d totally forgotten about, and building a life around that new/old me was one of the best things I ever did.
It's even better than I could have imagined...mainly because I never could have imagined it
Welcome aboard
D
I defined myself as a drinker...my life revolved around drinking.
I had to walk away from that life if I wanted to stop drinking.
I thought my life was over...but really it was just beginning...I found a me I;'d totally forgotten about, and building a life around that new/old me was one of the best things I ever did.
It's even better than I could have imagined...mainly because I never could have imagined it
Welcome aboard
D
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,537
So glad you joined us ruby! We all understand how you're feeling.
I drank my whole life and never imagined what I'd do without it. Not sure why I thought it was so wonderful - the fun times were long gone, nothing left but misery and regret. It was once always on my mind too - but now I rarely think of it. You can get free.
I drank my whole life and never imagined what I'd do without it. Not sure why I thought it was so wonderful - the fun times were long gone, nothing left but misery and regret. It was once always on my mind too - but now I rarely think of it. You can get free.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
