Alcoholic 33 yr old son
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
Alcoholic 33 yr old son
I am so tired and mad and can't even find the words to express myself anymore. I can't even think right at work. I feel my personality changing. I can't cover and fake it anymore.
My 33 yr old ASON has been in and out of jail since he was 18 yrs old. This is WAY harder to deal with than leaving his AF, which I did over 20 yrs ago. He at least functioned enough to hold a job. However, was wasn't a role model at all.
Once again I paid AS's cell phone bill (month to month) after alot of drama and being called all kinds of names because I hung up on him at work and wouldn't sent him money. He lives in his dad's house - his dad used to live there but it became too dangerous as when AS drinks (drugs?) he's out of control and mean. Many nights his father spent the night in a hotel or his truck. Dad finally moves out but continues to pay all the bills. Neither one of us are by any means rich ... just stupid for letting this go on for so long.
AS doesn't work, gets food stamps (but says they've been messed up and hasn't gotten them the last few months so we've been helping out with food, also. He has tv, a cell phone, lost his truck because we refused to pay for it (which was a huge blessing as he drove drunk all the time), the list goes on and on.
His dad told me, as he has several times, that he doesn't know how much longer he's going to pay everything. I get so mad at him for doing it, but look at me. Paying his cell phone bill, giving him food, buying bus pass (gee, he might get a job and will need it), answering his drunk phone calls when I know better. The good thing is he's an hour away. Thank you, God.
I'm probably more mad at myself than anything, for my part in it. I absolutely HATE drama, but I'm always in the middle of it. Part of me is afraid of what will happen to him ... that he'll die. Then sometimes I think about what that would be like. I feel like I can't win, as if he dies I will live with guilt for the rest of my life, and how can I handle his death? He's had somewhat of a sad past as he was molested by a 'trusting' neighbor from the ages of 5-10 and we only found out about it a few years ago. He commited a crime while drunk/high at age 17 andI turned him him as I knew what he did and it was all over the news ... and he was waived to adult court. The prosecuting attorney loved me and he HATED me. But I'd had my fill as he made my life miserable back then, too, as a single parent.
I TRIED everything to get him help. NOTHING worked. I have been called every name imaginable by him when he's mad. And I'm his mom. I've done so much for him...for nothing. By paying his cell phone bill I've basically paid for him to call and harass me at work, listen to his drunk phone calls and try and make him feel better as he goes over and over his sorry life, and, gee, I've even paid for another month of being called horrible names when I refuse to give him money as he's soooo hungry. Stupid. Me. Everyone once in awhile we have a nice, normal conversation. And I forget everything that he's done wrong or how he's treated me. Stupid. me.
I KNOW I have to change. But I'm like others - can hardly get out of bed anymore but have to for work. I KNOW I need to get back to Alanon but can't even get the strength up to do that. I've been reading this forum for a few years (and other sights) and it does help.
So, now he's applied for a job and that's my reasoning for paying his cell phone bill another month. This just might be the month he gets a job!!! That's my reasoning. Oh, and he'll need a bus pass, he said. He has no way to get to get to the job that hasn't happened yet. Maybe, just maybe, he'll get the job after I give him money to get 'started', pay for the bus pass, give him money for food, buy him work boots and whatever else he needs. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I DONE THAT??! Please keep me from buying that bus pass.
To top it off I have an ASister who flares up every once in awhile and good old me comes to her rescue. A whole other story.
BUT, I know I'M the problem.
I really am a decent, hard working person who is well respected at work - been there almost 30 years. Have been remarried for several years, but that is rocky in part due to my enabling my son.
I'm embarassed to even put this out there, but I'm going to hit SEND before I chicken out. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Miserable
My 33 yr old ASON has been in and out of jail since he was 18 yrs old. This is WAY harder to deal with than leaving his AF, which I did over 20 yrs ago. He at least functioned enough to hold a job. However, was wasn't a role model at all.
Once again I paid AS's cell phone bill (month to month) after alot of drama and being called all kinds of names because I hung up on him at work and wouldn't sent him money. He lives in his dad's house - his dad used to live there but it became too dangerous as when AS drinks (drugs?) he's out of control and mean. Many nights his father spent the night in a hotel or his truck. Dad finally moves out but continues to pay all the bills. Neither one of us are by any means rich ... just stupid for letting this go on for so long.
AS doesn't work, gets food stamps (but says they've been messed up and hasn't gotten them the last few months so we've been helping out with food, also. He has tv, a cell phone, lost his truck because we refused to pay for it (which was a huge blessing as he drove drunk all the time), the list goes on and on.
His dad told me, as he has several times, that he doesn't know how much longer he's going to pay everything. I get so mad at him for doing it, but look at me. Paying his cell phone bill, giving him food, buying bus pass (gee, he might get a job and will need it), answering his drunk phone calls when I know better. The good thing is he's an hour away. Thank you, God.
I'm probably more mad at myself than anything, for my part in it. I absolutely HATE drama, but I'm always in the middle of it. Part of me is afraid of what will happen to him ... that he'll die. Then sometimes I think about what that would be like. I feel like I can't win, as if he dies I will live with guilt for the rest of my life, and how can I handle his death? He's had somewhat of a sad past as he was molested by a 'trusting' neighbor from the ages of 5-10 and we only found out about it a few years ago. He commited a crime while drunk/high at age 17 andI turned him him as I knew what he did and it was all over the news ... and he was waived to adult court. The prosecuting attorney loved me and he HATED me. But I'd had my fill as he made my life miserable back then, too, as a single parent.
I TRIED everything to get him help. NOTHING worked. I have been called every name imaginable by him when he's mad. And I'm his mom. I've done so much for him...for nothing. By paying his cell phone bill I've basically paid for him to call and harass me at work, listen to his drunk phone calls and try and make him feel better as he goes over and over his sorry life, and, gee, I've even paid for another month of being called horrible names when I refuse to give him money as he's soooo hungry. Stupid. Me. Everyone once in awhile we have a nice, normal conversation. And I forget everything that he's done wrong or how he's treated me. Stupid. me.
I KNOW I have to change. But I'm like others - can hardly get out of bed anymore but have to for work. I KNOW I need to get back to Alanon but can't even get the strength up to do that. I've been reading this forum for a few years (and other sights) and it does help.
So, now he's applied for a job and that's my reasoning for paying his cell phone bill another month. This just might be the month he gets a job!!! That's my reasoning. Oh, and he'll need a bus pass, he said. He has no way to get to get to the job that hasn't happened yet. Maybe, just maybe, he'll get the job after I give him money to get 'started', pay for the bus pass, give him money for food, buy him work boots and whatever else he needs. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I DONE THAT??! Please keep me from buying that bus pass.
To top it off I have an ASister who flares up every once in awhile and good old me comes to her rescue. A whole other story.
BUT, I know I'M the problem.
I really am a decent, hard working person who is well respected at work - been there almost 30 years. Have been remarried for several years, but that is rocky in part due to my enabling my son.
I'm embarassed to even put this out there, but I'm going to hit SEND before I chicken out. Thanks for taking the time to read this!
Miserable
Magsie
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 26,674
Welcome, miserable, to our forum.
Lots of help and wise words from people more experienced than I am. I'm sure they'll be along soon. You've read a lot on the forum perhaps it's time to take care of you.
I'm pleased you decided to write it down sometimes it helps, seeing it written.
Lots of help and wise words from people more experienced than I am. I'm sure they'll be along soon. You've read a lot on the forum perhaps it's time to take care of you.
I'm pleased you decided to write it down sometimes it helps, seeing it written.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Miserablw56.....You are not stupid. You are a mother....and, you are in a very difficult and painful situation. You certainly are not alone. Oh, if you just knew how many other parents who also carry this same burden on their heart.....!
As Captainzing just said....at least you are aware that enabling is not helping him at all.
I think the worst part of this, for you, is the "mother's guilt" that you carry. That is a burden that you are going to have to part ways with.
Your son has much more capacity for survival than you can imagine. Of course, he has no reason to reach for it because he his basic needs are provided for. And, he uses alcohol in order to escape reality.
In reality--there is help for your son when he is ready to accept it. The Salvation Army doesn't turn anyone away. They have rehab programs for substance abuse, as well as assistance for all his other needs---even job assistance.
***There are support groups for males who have suffered sexual abuse (he may not know about these). You can find out about them by contacting your county mental health services and asking them or do a web search for your local area. I, personally would give him that information and encourage him to go (when you get an opportunity).
The most important thing--to my mind--is that YOU CANNOT WALK THIS ROAD ALONE...it is simply too hard! Help and support for you is of the first priority, here.
His life can be changed...and, surprisingly, that change begins with you....
Please take heart, Mom....letting yourself be destroyed by this will do absolutely nothing for your son...
very sincerely,
dandylion
As Captainzing just said....at least you are aware that enabling is not helping him at all.
I think the worst part of this, for you, is the "mother's guilt" that you carry. That is a burden that you are going to have to part ways with.
Your son has much more capacity for survival than you can imagine. Of course, he has no reason to reach for it because he his basic needs are provided for. And, he uses alcohol in order to escape reality.
In reality--there is help for your son when he is ready to accept it. The Salvation Army doesn't turn anyone away. They have rehab programs for substance abuse, as well as assistance for all his other needs---even job assistance.
***There are support groups for males who have suffered sexual abuse (he may not know about these). You can find out about them by contacting your county mental health services and asking them or do a web search for your local area. I, personally would give him that information and encourage him to go (when you get an opportunity).
The most important thing--to my mind--is that YOU CANNOT WALK THIS ROAD ALONE...it is simply too hard! Help and support for you is of the first priority, here.
His life can be changed...and, surprisingly, that change begins with you....
Please take heart, Mom....letting yourself be destroyed by this will do absolutely nothing for your son...
very sincerely,
dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
I want to thank EVERYONE who responded to my rant last night. Just reading your replies this morning gave me a little bit of hope and strength for today. It's a reminder to me that I need to encourage others as we are all suffering/have suffered in some way. When I'm in the "poor me" phase I truly am miserable! Again, THANK YOU!
Miserable
Miserable
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
I am sorry to read you are going through such a tough time. Perhaps if you arent ready to tell your son no you can drive out there and purchase what he needs rather than just sending him money. This way he gets what he needs without buying booze instead
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
If he gets food stamps there is a federal free cell phone that goes along with that. Cut off the funds.
I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine how much you are hurting. Maybe it would be best to go no contact with him for a while so you can get up your own strength and give your mind and body a rest.
Tight Hugs. So glad you are here.
I am so sorry. I cannot even imagine how much you are hurting. Maybe it would be best to go no contact with him for a while so you can get up your own strength and give your mind and body a rest.
Tight Hugs. So glad you are here.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Dear Miserable,
thank you for posting, for sharing , and for reaching out. You need support, and this is a good place to find others who understand. There seems to be a lot of this going on, with our adult children.
My thoughts are- maybe do not jump when he beckons with a need? Could he get his food stamps straightened out, or could he be selling them for cash? If he faces hungry a bit, maybe that will make him open his eyes to the fact that it is his problem? Of course we can't let them starve, but making him responsible for the foot work would help you.
I know how hard all of this is. I have that sort of situation myself. And I have been trying to work on myself as well as forcing him to wake up about things. I do therapy, and I get much strength from others here who understand.
I agree about the phone- he can get a free one, if he qualifies for food assistance.
stick around and post as often as you wish. we are here for you.
hugs
thank you for posting, for sharing , and for reaching out. You need support, and this is a good place to find others who understand. There seems to be a lot of this going on, with our adult children.
My thoughts are- maybe do not jump when he beckons with a need? Could he get his food stamps straightened out, or could he be selling them for cash? If he faces hungry a bit, maybe that will make him open his eyes to the fact that it is his problem? Of course we can't let them starve, but making him responsible for the foot work would help you.
I know how hard all of this is. I have that sort of situation myself. And I have been trying to work on myself as well as forcing him to wake up about things. I do therapy, and I get much strength from others here who understand.
I agree about the phone- he can get a free one, if he qualifies for food assistance.
stick around and post as often as you wish. we are here for you.
hugs
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Miserable56....I did not take your post as a "poor me" rant! It took it as a serious issue that has been going o n for a long time and that has deeply affected you, your life, and your marriage to an extent, also. Not to speak of your sons welfare. To be depressed and overwhelmed and depressed and frustrated---is not just a "blue" phase.
To make the kind of changes that are needed in this situation are, indeed, as hard as they are necessary--because it goes against the "natural" grain.
I have heard it said that it is more of a marathon than a sprint.
dandylion
To make the kind of changes that are needed in this situation are, indeed, as hard as they are necessary--because it goes against the "natural" grain.
I have heard it said that it is more of a marathon than a sprint.
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I think that if you and your Xhusband (his father) put up a united front in exactly what you will pay for IF he gets a job, you might get less grief.
You don't HAVE to buy him "work boots" or a cell phone. He has $$ to drink? where does that come from? He is not sitting by himself in a dark hole all day, he is sitting in a comfy home with full utilities and possibly cable tv? he knows what buttons to push on Mom to get what he needs to survive as he likes.
maybe try blocking his number during the day while you are at owrk, or in the evening when you want some peace.
You don't HAVE to buy him "work boots" or a cell phone. He has $$ to drink? where does that come from? He is not sitting by himself in a dark hole all day, he is sitting in a comfy home with full utilities and possibly cable tv? he knows what buttons to push on Mom to get what he needs to survive as he likes.
maybe try blocking his number during the day while you are at owrk, or in the evening when you want some peace.
lost n exhausted
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: wisconsin
Posts: 26
Just wanted to let you know you are not alone Miserable56. I too have an AS who just got out of jail a month ago. The deal was he could live at home with us until he got a job etc but he had to stay sober. Today I caught him stashing booze in his pants to bring into my home. Disappointing and back to square one.
I often feel that it would be so much easier if I were going through this with someone other than my own flesh and blood because I could just cut that person out of my life and move on but I've read so many situations on SR to know that it's all so much more complicated and that thought is not true.
Hugs to you.
I often feel that it would be so much easier if I were going through this with someone other than my own flesh and blood because I could just cut that person out of my life and move on but I've read so many situations on SR to know that it's all so much more complicated and that thought is not true.
Hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
This might hit home, I read this almost every day. Goodluck
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
Tell him to dial 2-1-1. They'll help him get a free phone, if he gets food stamps. Local churches or other organizations can probably help with bus passes. Call your local department of health and human services. They usually have a list of community resources. I keep our local listing of community dinners tacked to my fridge. There are plenty of resources for him that don't take out of your pocket. Look at him as a person who needs to learn to take care of themselves without mommy to make all the pain of reality go away. Treat him like any other person instead of your son. You are doing what's best for him by pulling your financial support.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 37
Hey there! I can totally relate to your situation!
I am sending you a PM which contains a link to a site that has been a lifesaver for me. It deals with those of us who have adult children with problems-mental illness, drug and alcohol addiction, etc, which leads them to steal, lie, manipulate, etc.
As much as I love this site and rely on it regularly for a reality check, even the Family and Friends section doesn't quite cover the agony and experience of having a child like this. It's usually spouses or perhaps siblings, but it's a WHOLE other ballgame when it's your child...
Hope it brings you some comfort. Stay strong!
I am sending you a PM which contains a link to a site that has been a lifesaver for me. It deals with those of us who have adult children with problems-mental illness, drug and alcohol addiction, etc, which leads them to steal, lie, manipulate, etc.
As much as I love this site and rely on it regularly for a reality check, even the Family and Friends section doesn't quite cover the agony and experience of having a child like this. It's usually spouses or perhaps siblings, but it's a WHOLE other ballgame when it's your child...
Hope it brings you some comfort. Stay strong!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14
Oh my gosh, I am so overwhelmed with all your responses! I am printing them out and reading them over and over. For the first time in a long time, I feel a little hope. And courage. Bless you all!
Miserable
Miserable
Bunnies!
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 1,905
You didn't get into this overnight, so you won't get out of it that quickly. Read, absorb, ponder. You don't have to do anything or make a decision today. Talk to us while you formulate a plan- whatever that ends up being. We all make mistakes, but those who are really working recovery will learn from then and keep doing the next right thing. That's all any of us can do.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
