How do you not take the anger out on everyone
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: North salt lake
Posts: 3,325
How do you not take the anger out on everyone
How? I'm not angry at God. I am angry that people are touching Debbie's stuff, they are walking in with their shoes, they leave shoes and glasses everywhere. Debbie is a neat nik but no one seems to care. They are talking about getting rid of her car, clothes, etc. they are always here talking endlessly, mindlessly. They leave her toilet seat up. They want to have a coroner tell them what happened, I don't know why. Do I want to drink....well I've had a few. And that guilt is laying on me. Also go with the fact, I should have called Debbie one last time. I should have called that night.
But my anger is manifesting itself quite rudely. With liquor, I would unload on them. Without liquor, I feel like I'm imploding.
But my anger is manifesting itself quite rudely. With liquor, I would unload on them. Without liquor, I feel like I'm imploding.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: liverpool, england
Posts: 1,708
when i lost my son pam i never once got angry, i was to hurt inside of me plus as i had been around aa for a long time and have learned a thing or 2 it sort of comes naturally to behave like i did
one min my son was there with me the next he was dying infront of my eyes and there was nothing i could do to stop it
my life will never be the same again ever without my little lad, as xmas is coming i still have my other kids to look after and try to make happy but my heart is just so empty as there is a part missing in my heart that will never ever get reparied
i can not get angry at people who are just getting on with there lives, its not all about me and how i feel, people have there own lives to live just like my other kids have to pick themselves up and learn to live life without there brother around anymore
the drink will never help in this situation and i am so lucky i never once picked up the drink as if i did i would of been murder to be around and everyone who came close to me would get all that pain directed at them
they dont deserve it,
its time to face it head on without running off for a drink everyone in the world will lose someone we love and they have to learn to cope with it we all do
i am not the only parent in the world who has lost a child, same as i am not the only person in the world to lose a mum and dad
its one of the hard things in life we all have to deal with.
you can either cope with it or drink on it but the drink will not bring them back, it will not change anything either, and when you wake up the next day things might be ever worse as you might end up pushing people away who care etc
so try and keep that chin up everyone feels for you and the pain as no one wants it but drinking on it is not the answer pam
huge hugs to you time is the key here pam but if you drink on it then nothing is ever going to get better honestly it wont
good luck to you and i hope tomorrow you can wake up and start the process of acceptance there are plenty of grieving councilors around should you need them so make use of them vent your hurt and anger out with them if it will help, but whatever you do dont pick up that first drink
one min my son was there with me the next he was dying infront of my eyes and there was nothing i could do to stop it
my life will never be the same again ever without my little lad, as xmas is coming i still have my other kids to look after and try to make happy but my heart is just so empty as there is a part missing in my heart that will never ever get reparied
i can not get angry at people who are just getting on with there lives, its not all about me and how i feel, people have there own lives to live just like my other kids have to pick themselves up and learn to live life without there brother around anymore
the drink will never help in this situation and i am so lucky i never once picked up the drink as if i did i would of been murder to be around and everyone who came close to me would get all that pain directed at them
they dont deserve it,
its time to face it head on without running off for a drink everyone in the world will lose someone we love and they have to learn to cope with it we all do
i am not the only parent in the world who has lost a child, same as i am not the only person in the world to lose a mum and dad
its one of the hard things in life we all have to deal with.
you can either cope with it or drink on it but the drink will not bring them back, it will not change anything either, and when you wake up the next day things might be ever worse as you might end up pushing people away who care etc
so try and keep that chin up everyone feels for you and the pain as no one wants it but drinking on it is not the answer pam
huge hugs to you time is the key here pam but if you drink on it then nothing is ever going to get better honestly it wont
good luck to you and i hope tomorrow you can wake up and start the process of acceptance there are plenty of grieving councilors around should you need them so make use of them vent your hurt and anger out with them if it will help, but whatever you do dont pick up that first drink
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
G'day Raider
I think it would help to see every person involved as being in grief too.
Maybe they are finding it difficult to be on their best behaviour and remember to put the toilet seat down, take their shoes off, put shoes away, and put glasses away afterwards etc.
A really good way to let out rage and anger is to throw ice cubes at a wall..... Sounds silly but believe me.... It works beautifully.
Prayers for you, take care
I think it would help to see every person involved as being in grief too.
Maybe they are finding it difficult to be on their best behaviour and remember to put the toilet seat down, take their shoes off, put shoes away, and put glasses away afterwards etc.
A really good way to let out rage and anger is to throw ice cubes at a wall..... Sounds silly but believe me.... It works beautifully.
Prayers for you, take care
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,442
Raider drinking is not going to help you be less angry or less rude. It's probably going to magnify things, in fact.
My family tends to swarm on a dead relatives house like locusts. Like Hawks says, if I'm charitable, I can see grief at work - it's much easier to deal with objects and 'things' - but it upsets me & I prefer not to be there.
Is that an option for you?
D
My family tends to swarm on a dead relatives house like locusts. Like Hawks says, if I'm charitable, I can see grief at work - it's much easier to deal with objects and 'things' - but it upsets me & I prefer not to be there.
Is that an option for you?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
I'm sorry, Raider. People messing around with and disrespecting the things that belonged to a loved one would anger and sadden me very much. But please don't hurt you anymore with drinking, You don't deserve it.
Bunnez
Bunnez
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,504
Raider, I'm sorry you're going through this. I think Dee is right - you're focusing on objects and things, rather than the loss in your life. And, Pam, drinking is only going to make you feel worse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
Posts: 2,229
So sorry for your loss Pam. Lots of good advice here from people who care. You know deep down that drinking isn't the answer to ease your pain. Drinking won't help you grieve or come to accept this difficult part of your life. You deserve to be able to enjoy the memories and energy of your sister with clarity and strength. You deserve more than what you are allowing yourself right now Pam.
Thoughts and prayers to you tonight Raider.
Thoughts and prayers to you tonight Raider.
EndGame
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 4,677
As others have suggested, we much more welcome being angry than we do feeling terrified or to begin grieving a sudden and traumatic loss. By focusing on other people's faults, real and perceived, we put off allowing ourselves to feel fully the depth of our loss, and thereby postpone the grieving process.
In the case of grieving, anger isn't a fault, a defect of character or a pathological state. It's merely a particular defense against feeling what we anticipate will be horrific feelings. Drinking only postpones the inevitable, and makes it much more difficult to grasp the finality and the reality of loss. What you're experiencing (and what many of us experience) is a special kind of denial in the service of survival, the purpose of which is to protect ourselves from powerful, unwanted feelings.
You don't need to fix everything at once. Grief and mourning are very subjective processes, and there is no set timetable as to when and how any of us should or are able to acknowledge the extent of our loss. Rather, our own process unfolds the more we're able to treat ourselves with care and concern, instead of occupying our strength with what other people are up to, or by "staying busy" as a means of deflecting our feelings.
The best place to start is to be gentle with yourself.
In the case of grieving, anger isn't a fault, a defect of character or a pathological state. It's merely a particular defense against feeling what we anticipate will be horrific feelings. Drinking only postpones the inevitable, and makes it much more difficult to grasp the finality and the reality of loss. What you're experiencing (and what many of us experience) is a special kind of denial in the service of survival, the purpose of which is to protect ourselves from powerful, unwanted feelings.
You don't need to fix everything at once. Grief and mourning are very subjective processes, and there is no set timetable as to when and how any of us should or are able to acknowledge the extent of our loss. Rather, our own process unfolds the more we're able to treat ourselves with care and concern, instead of occupying our strength with what other people are up to, or by "staying busy" as a means of deflecting our feelings.
The best place to start is to be gentle with yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
Time is the only thing that helps me with anger. I have an explosive temper, not joking. EX. PLOSE. IVE. Hair trigger. But it doesn't last, I get mad and vent, then I'm okay again. I hasten to add I'm not violent, I just get pissed and yell, then I chill out.
As others have said, people all deal with grief in different ways. Some people are bums, just looking to grab a few items, forgetting the person who owned them was loved. Others just don't know how to deal and forget themselves.
As others have said, people all deal with grief in different ways. Some people are bums, just looking to grab a few items, forgetting the person who owned them was loved. Others just don't know how to deal and forget themselves.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Posts: 6,224
Pam, I can understand that you are upset about them messing up Debbie's things but those things are things. Nobody can mess up what Debbie was to you because that is solid and unchanged.
I won't go with that fact because life happens and we call when we can.
Raider, please, do what you need to do for your recovery because that is what counts right now. I am quite sure Debbie would agree.
Also go with the fact, I should have called Debbie one last time. I should have called that night.
Raider, please, do what you need to do for your recovery because that is what counts right now. I am quite sure Debbie would agree.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,791
Been there, after my father's death. A friend gave me some advice. Something on the order of 'he's dead, he doesn't care anymore, what do YOU care about'. This helped me a lot.
Your grief still seems pretty raw, you might need some time alone if at all possible.
Your grief still seems pretty raw, you might need some time alone if at all possible.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,872
Raider, I wrote this for my sister (and read it at her wake). I share it with the hope that it gives you some comfort as you struggle to feel your sister's presence/her essence as you continue with life.
I’ll Be
For Joan
I’ll be the wind which howls in caves and storms
And shifts the sands upon the shore
And the pile of autumn leaves which forms
In the cozy nook outside your door
I’ll be the sun which warms your heart and mind
And the dream you pause to find
I’ll be
The delicate butterfly in your garden
As it savors dew and scent and nectar
The first snowflake born of winter
As it floats to seek a kindred spirit
Or a tiny bud in spring’s display
As it strains, then yields to warmth of day
I’ll be
The vapor trail behind the silver bird
As it seeks a distant shore
And the eagle as it spans the skies
For food and prey of earth
I’ll be the stars which dot the skies at night
And the moon which gives you light.
I’ll be
The music born of laughter
Of those too young to yet know pain
The dance of youth and of blissful lovers
And the life and rhythm of the rain
I’ll be the awe in hearts of mothers
With love impossible to contain
I’ll be
The foam upon the ocean
As it churns and twists and curls
And the rocks which rise majestically
From the depths of ocean’s floor
And the boom and echo of the thunder
Which seeks to equal ocean’s roar
I’ll be
The moment you pause to listen
To the screams of nothingness in beggars’ eyes
And become aware that - if you can ignore them
They become all of us in disguise
I’ll be that moment in time and space
When we begin to see each other in all we face
I’ll be
The lonely shoe along the roadway
And those who ponder its strange fate
Or the lonely soul who has lost his way
And looks for comfort at your gate
And I’ll be the door which opens gently
If you’re that soul who seeks reprieve
I’ll be
The warmth which gives you comfort
And the love which brings you home
The thoughts that keep you warm at night
And the place you rest your head
And I’ll be the rains on the horizons
Which are the tears you’ve yet to shed
I’ll Be
For Joan
I’ll be the wind which howls in caves and storms
And shifts the sands upon the shore
And the pile of autumn leaves which forms
In the cozy nook outside your door
I’ll be the sun which warms your heart and mind
And the dream you pause to find
I’ll be
The delicate butterfly in your garden
As it savors dew and scent and nectar
The first snowflake born of winter
As it floats to seek a kindred spirit
Or a tiny bud in spring’s display
As it strains, then yields to warmth of day
I’ll be
The vapor trail behind the silver bird
As it seeks a distant shore
And the eagle as it spans the skies
For food and prey of earth
I’ll be the stars which dot the skies at night
And the moon which gives you light.
I’ll be
The music born of laughter
Of those too young to yet know pain
The dance of youth and of blissful lovers
And the life and rhythm of the rain
I’ll be the awe in hearts of mothers
With love impossible to contain
I’ll be
The foam upon the ocean
As it churns and twists and curls
And the rocks which rise majestically
From the depths of ocean’s floor
And the boom and echo of the thunder
Which seeks to equal ocean’s roar
I’ll be
The moment you pause to listen
To the screams of nothingness in beggars’ eyes
And become aware that - if you can ignore them
They become all of us in disguise
I’ll be that moment in time and space
When we begin to see each other in all we face
I’ll be
The lonely shoe along the roadway
And those who ponder its strange fate
Or the lonely soul who has lost his way
And looks for comfort at your gate
And I’ll be the door which opens gently
If you’re that soul who seeks reprieve
I’ll be
The warmth which gives you comfort
And the love which brings you home
The thoughts that keep you warm at night
And the place you rest your head
And I’ll be the rains on the horizons
Which are the tears you’ve yet to shed
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: North East, US
Posts: 2,310
Hey friend, the only advise I can give that's helped me keep a tiny bit of sanity left, is to try and not interpret others actions during Bereavement.
I've scratched my head in wonderment at the actions and coping mechanisms of those close to me. Don't take it personal, and have faith that your sister is in such a great place she couldn't care less about that blanket on the couch.
I really think it would be in your best interest to pass on the drinks, and I say this with love not judgment. This very early mourning is acute pain and psychologically if you drink and suppress what's going on inside it's going to hit you like a category 5 hurricane.
I know you hurt and I know you just want to make it all stop! I really really do. Somehow deep inside you'll get the strength to just keep moving. Ask for and accept help when you need it and it's offered. I learned that this weekend. It's not so pretty to breakdown in others company but feels a whole lot safer than when you're alone. You are going to get through this raider and the more sober you stay the faster you'll catch your breath!
XOXO
I've scratched my head in wonderment at the actions and coping mechanisms of those close to me. Don't take it personal, and have faith that your sister is in such a great place she couldn't care less about that blanket on the couch.
I really think it would be in your best interest to pass on the drinks, and I say this with love not judgment. This very early mourning is acute pain and psychologically if you drink and suppress what's going on inside it's going to hit you like a category 5 hurricane.
I know you hurt and I know you just want to make it all stop! I really really do. Somehow deep inside you'll get the strength to just keep moving. Ask for and accept help when you need it and it's offered. I learned that this weekend. It's not so pretty to breakdown in others company but feels a whole lot safer than when you're alone. You are going to get through this raider and the more sober you stay the faster you'll catch your breath!
XOXO
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
how?
Raider, what helps me is to try and remember to step back, even literally, and take a three-deep-breaths break. takes the edge off the explosive danger just enough so that there's neither explosion nor implosion.
either of those will hurt YOU along with others.
breathe, go for a walk. write it out.
those are things i found helpful when in grief and anger and impotence about others and what they were doing.
Raider, what helps me is to try and remember to step back, even literally, and take a three-deep-breaths break. takes the edge off the explosive danger just enough so that there's neither explosion nor implosion.
either of those will hurt YOU along with others.
breathe, go for a walk. write it out.
those are things i found helpful when in grief and anger and impotence about others and what they were doing.
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