Threats- PLEASE HELP

Old 10-22-2014, 11:55 AM
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Threats- PLEASE HELP

Hi I'm really new here so I apologise if this has already been discussed or if I say anything that may trigger bad memories for anyone else I just really need some advice on some things and wondered if anyone could help.

I walked away from my abf just over a month ago although we have still been in contact since, trying to resolve or him continuing to drink and ramble and be horrible- both of those things unfortunately.

When I walked away he sent some horrible messages to family members about personal topics we had discussed within the relationship (he had threatened to do it before but never followed through probably because I always went back)

This evening I am dealing with him again threatening that he knows information about my family members, claiming it to be to do with their lifestyle and I think insinuations from what I can gather something to do with tax evasion (??) and how he has a lot of information that will destroy my family and we will live in poverty.

I would like to go into more detail but I don't feel I can as I am paranoid he could read this.

Basically I think he feels inferior because he is from a less wealthy family and he is saying that me and my family think we are better than him, we are not, I talk down to him and we put him down well he will show us kind of thing- I hope that makes sense it is hard to describe without going into detail. He is saying that I have hurt him so he is going to really hurt me back.

I can assure you I or we do not think that we are better and I have never said that, I did everything I could for him in the relationship including huge financial support and he has always made comments about how I am a child I get loads of help from my parents (yes they help if they can but I have always been very independent and never expected anything). I think this stems from a huge place of jealousy and bitterness.

The problem is I don't want my family to have to go through any more of this, he has made threats on their jobs etc and I don't know what to do. I am ashamed at how my relationship has also deeply hurt them and I am ashamed I even speak to him after all of it.

I just do not know whether tonight he is saying it as a threat or he will actually follow through with something. I have been to the police before about messages he sent me but there wasn't anything they could do, however surely if I show them these they have to help me. I am so scared that even if I do go to the police this will provoke him more and he will do something dangerous to me or my family (he knows home addresses/work addresses/emails- a lot of info that I think he took out of my phone and from mail I had)

I really just don't know what to do. All of this has stemmed from earlier him telling me he went to a therapy group and he now has the 'tools' to do this alone so f*#k everyone else.

He has told me he has done his research and why am I not trying to stop him- I assume he wants a response so that I cannot tell the police it is harassment?? But what can I even do to stop him and could he actually destroy my family??

I know I don't need to say what I have done for this man in terms of support during the relationship as many of you will know having done the same things financially/emotionally etc and I can't believe this is how he treats me in return.

I am so worried for my family and their livelihood, I love them dearly and I have brought all of this onto the family through my own poor judgement of someone who is not only an alcoholic but maybe mentally ill too.

Despite telling me earlier that he needs to take this path alone and he sees that he is now telling me that it's not going to be a case of me walking away, he has information and he is going to use it- I'm so scared of what he will say or do

I feel like I am living in fear, why have I let this go on, why have I not and can I not just cut him out of my life, I'm even too scared to do that

Please help me
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:07 PM
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This man is extremely dangerous. I would reach out to the police and tell them everything. That you fear for your life and that he is trying to black mail you. He is crazy and I would completely cut off contact from him. Block his phone number, cut ties on social media.

I would believe everything he tells you and then some. Try and hide at someones house until things calm down. There is nothing more dangerous then an angry A. Please take every caution you can. Do not walk somewhere alone. Call someone from your car to come and get you. Please believe him and run and run fast.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:15 PM
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Hi Jane, how does he have (or claim to have) so much information about your family?

If his allegations are false and coming from an alcoholic with mental issues then I think most would consider the source. I don't think one man can destroy a family and force them into poverty. Especially a drunk.

How long were you together?
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:15 PM
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1) Tell him not to contact you again for any reason. If he does, it's the beginning of your harassment case.

1a) Block his number, email, Facebook page, Twitter account, his mom, his mom's boyfriend, his mom's boyfriend's coworkers, and anyone else that ties you to him on every phone number, email and social media account you use. Every door you leave open to him will be a door he can walk through to mess with your emotions.

2) Consult a lawyer to find out what your rights are. He's trying to blackmail you, or manipulate you by making you think he can blackmail you. Either way, it's no good.

2a) If you think you are in danger, even a tiny bit, go back to the police and report his behavior. Ask what you need to do for a restraining order. Even a temporary restraining order.

3) I've never known an active alcoholic to be able to carry out a threat that complicated and detailed. If I were you, I would treat this like it is, an abusive threat made by a sick person who is losing control over one of his enablers, and freeze him out like a wart.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:15 PM
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I'm calling BS here - this sounds like a lot of Quacking to me. A lot of drunken quacking. Take 3 long, deep breaths & relax for one minute......

Is there any validity to his claims? If not, I really wouldn't give him the power of thinking I was scared of empty threats. In reality it takes a helluva lot more than one drunk quacking off for the police, IRS or any other agency to pursue claims like this. He'd need to present cold, hard facts with some kind of evidence to back him up. Can he actually provide that & stay sober long enough to convince them?

I'd ignore, ignore, ignore & alert your family that he's up to no good so you are all on the same page regarding his threats. Don't respond, but keep documentation of ALL of his ramblings. IMO all he's after is a big, emotional reaction from you. He's trying to draw you back in. ((((HUGS)))))
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:17 PM
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He's an addict, and he's really really good at displaying the traits that make it easy to label him as one.
Nothing will stop him but himself, don't be naive and think ianything else can or could.

He needs to find and hit his bottom.

Get away, far away. And the best way to start is with a restraining order

It sounds like anything short of that is just enabling him.

Best of luck to you!
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:19 PM
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Florence has you covered. I have a lawyer on retainer because my ex keeps coming up with crap to drag me back to court for. It's worth the money.

And my lawyer also says "sometimes, the only thing that scares a bully off is a bigger bully. And the law is a pretty big bully."

I found that trying to "fix" things on my own was extremely stressful. I love having a lawyer who handles the BS for me. Signed, Dirt Poor But Relieved.
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:26 PM
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Hello and a warm welcome to you. My heart hurts for all you are going through. Your fear comes right through.

Stop talking to this man, immediately. In no recovery program will they find the tools being to do it alone and go F everyone else. That's just nuts and shows how full of it he is.

Protect yourself. I also recommend you be honest with your family. I am sure they don't want you to suffer with this either.

God Bless to you!
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:48 PM
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Thank you all for your responses and advice.

@sungrl we were only together for around 6 months which I know compared to some on here is no time at all but I feel the level of destruction caused in that time and now has been immense. He would only know information that I would have mentioned in the relationship and I never mentioned any kind of financial matters that I can recall although now I am even doubting myself. I feel like he had a way of asking questions and getting information out of me that he could then clearly use against me.

He previously threatened to lose a family member their job through loose information that I told him, but he could dig deeper on this and that really concerns me.

The thing that worries me are the threats he made before about messaging my family and he actually followed through on, and also that he is very very clever in terms of technology, finding information, possibly hacking things, I don't know how far he would go and what he is capable of.

I do see that he is an alcoholic and therefore is he even capable of what he says and I know he is using this to get a reaction because he knows how much I care about my family and the closeness we have, which he doesn't with his own, but I am just so concerned.

Last time he was threatening (after initial messages) I contacted his mother to tell her and ask her to have a word but I don't even see the point in that now and from what I can gather she isn't in a great place herself as she called me to talk the other night and I didn't answer because I just couldn't deal with the stress.

I don't know what he would get out of it other than feeling he has torn my family apart and left me in a pile of s*#t like he feels he is in.

I think I will call the police tomorrow and like you suggest maybe look into a legal standpoint as I just do not want him contacting myself or my family anymore, I have to get into my head that this could go on and on and if he apologies and I forgive it then it will just happen again. The police where I lived with him have a record of many things that were reported whilst we were together but now I am in a different city. I wanted to go back to the city where he lives as I love it there and there are many opportunities and friends I left behind but now I question would I be safe, or am I over reacting. I just don't know.

As for safety it mainly concerns me that he knows where other family members live and who I am staying with currently, or could find this out, although he doesn't have the access/funds to be able to get to them physically, and I do know some of his family are 'dodgy' but I'm not sure they would help him in any actions he may have that would break the law and get them sent to prison as they are also fully aware he is an active alcoholic.

He seems to have a huge fascination that my dad was a bit of a 'bad boy' in his day (nothing really bad just a rebel) and he keeps referring sarcastically to how 'hard' my dad and his family is and my dad is a piece of s*#t and then tells me I know nothing of his family and what they are capable of. He himself isn't a big guy but can certainly look after himself and I have witnessed what an insanely angry and crazy drunk he is.

The messages have kept coming for at least the past hour or so and I haven't responded once which I know will be making him more angry and I'm almost tempted to respond to try and calm the situation but I know this will do no good.

I need to try and find a way to tell my family but I just don't know how after everything they have already been through and I feel so ashamed that I have continued to stay in touch with him (which they are aware of) but now yet again it has come to threats and abuse about me and them. Some family members were very upset about what happened and what he said and it has taken time to rebuild the bridges with me and them.

Please let it all be just the ramblings of a fool and no further, but I know I MUST cut all contact and I guess face the consequences of that as surely that is better than this continual torment from him?? I am scared that if he feels I have cut him out totally what he may then do.

The sad thing is I know after all this I will still feel sorry for him if he gives me a sob story tomorrow or apologises and I will not stop missing him. What is wrong with me!!!!

He has implied in the last set of messages that he wants a harassment order because then he will release the full wrath of what he has on me and my family
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:50 PM
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What is wrong is that you have been abused. Over time, that emotional abuse skews your judgement.

I hope you do call the police and stop contact with this very dangerous person.

XXX
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Old 10-22-2014, 12:57 PM
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I still think you are giving him way too much power, that being said completely block his butt. No reading but not responding. That is clearly stressing you out.

Sounds to me like he hasn't contacted your family yet, or they would have mentioned it to you I would think.

Just ignore him and if you feel you need to get a restraining order and get the police involved.
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Old 10-22-2014, 01:00 PM
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I get scared at times of threats made by separated AH as well. As recently as yesterday! Then I remember he always makes threats. I spoke to divorce atty yesterday and felt good. I do not have extra money for attorney but I found a way.

I had to take back my power. He cannot get to me anymore.

If your family is doing anything inappropriate or against the law, you cannot control if they have to reap consequences of that. I know you want to protect them but you have no control of that.

My separated AH quacks a lot and I am just recently learning not to take him seriously.
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Old 10-22-2014, 02:01 PM
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Why don't you call your local DV shelter? They have tons of resources that can guide you, and you can certainly do that without committing to anything - hell, you can usually stay anonymous. Certainly sounds like "power and control" which is at the core of domestic violence... financial abuse is a HUGE deal, and one that often flies under the radar.

Also, blood is thicker than water. Your family may very well circle the proverbial wagons around you, and it sounds like you have a lot more resources than he does. Mine would have if I'd asked. (I didn't need to - my A was never abusive, but sounds like you've got quite the paranoid psycho on your hands.)

Good luck,
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Old 10-22-2014, 04:29 PM
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He is trying to control you & if you respond then that's what he'll do.
Shut him down, go no contact & go to the police if you have to.
Also record everything & keep it safe.
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Old 10-22-2014, 08:20 PM
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A domestic violence center or hotline will be able to help you. Your area may have a low-cost or free legal assistance program, to help you get restraining order, etc.

Listen to your fears, but they don't need to overwhelm you. He may just be a very manipulative but lazy drunk. A DV center can help you put a safety plan in place. Simple stuff like changing your locks and computer passwords can create a lot of peace of mind.

Maybe your family can say, 'any further communication with us should be in writing, or directed to our attorney. Thank you.' Or you can say 'please be advised that as of today, all communications with you will be forwarded to my attorney.' That might stop him in his tracks.

A restraining order can shut up a lazy bully. But for a certain type of abuser, it is like waving a red flag at a bull. A DV counselor can help you sort out which one he is.

Good luck to you!! It's not easy to have to be so strong, but you can do it!!
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Old 10-23-2014, 10:08 AM
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he wants a harassment order because then he will release the full wrath of what he has on me and my family
That's going to be tough to do from a jail cell, which is where he will be if you have a protection order that he attempts to violate. One single text message post-order will be considered a violation, the police will pick him up and transport him to your county jail.

You have plenty - more than enough - to obtain a temporary order. I know this because I recently went through the process, and I didn't have as much as you. Just some voicemails that scared the hell out of me. You go to court, you get a temporary order issued - all you do is walk in and find the window for protection from abuse orders - and then you show up about 2 weeks later to ask the judge to make it a more permanent order. This was also a simple process.

My XAH also was obsessed with my family, particularly my parents. He was/is hugely insecure.
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Old 10-23-2014, 10:54 AM
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That's going to be tough to do from a jail cell, which is where he will be if you have a protection order that he attempts to violate. One single text message post-order will be considered a violation, the police will pick him up and transport him to your county jail.

You have plenty - more than enough - to obtain a temporary order. I know this because I recently went through the process, and I didn't have as much as you. Just some voicemails that scared the hell out of me. You go to court, you get a temporary order issued - all you do is walk in and find the window for protection from abuse orders - and then you show up about 2 weeks later to ask the judge to make it a more permanent order. This was also a simple process.
I agree. Agree, agree! But you have to follow through on it. Get the order. Don't contact him. When he contacts you, report it. Tell your family what's going on.

He can SAY anything he wants to. But is he actually capable of calling down the IRS on your family and ruining three generations of your family because he disapproves of your desicions? No. Absolutely not. Shut this dude down.
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