meggem

I have no idea. I'm trying to take a page out of butterflys book and say how I feel but I can't put it into words. I have felt alot over the last 7 years but I don't think I have any idea what it is. None of it felt good, that's about all I can say.

I feel:

So angry I could kill someone
In such pain I don't know if I can go on
At such peace that I don't know why I feel bad things
Exhilirated with the commissions I have made at work
Guilty
not guilty
Sad
lonely
flat

And this is all before I leave for work in the morning. The cycle repeats itself or gets stuck at one.

Even though I am not interested right now, I'm afraid I will never love again.

Even though I am not afraid to be alone, I'm afraid I will always be alone.

Even though I know I will get through this, I can't imagine how.

One little piece of information that helped me last week in my counseling session that for all intents and purposes I can consider my supposed RAH still an active alcoholic. I have used the term dry drunk but that wasn’t helping me as much as just considering him still drinking (may as well even though he’s not). I think it was hard for me to wrap my head around him not drinking (a year this month) but still having the same behaviors and also realizing he was an abuser (I thought it was because of the alcohol).

I miss him. The him he was for the first year. I read someone’s post about not really missing someone that wasn’t real, but it’s hard to wrap my head around that too.

I think I’m depressed. Or in the middle of my evolution. I’m not sure where to turn or where to go. It’s like I need this wrapped up in a package. It's just a explosion of shattered glass everywhere...

lillamy

But you are putting it into words. And you are feeling your emotions. And you're not running away from them. Those are all amazing things. Truly.

Don't be afraid of asking for antidepressants if you think it would help. I was on antidepressants the last ten years of my marriage and I truly believe they saved my sanity.

meggem

Already am Lillamy :/

lillamy

Do you feel like they're helping? If not, you could try another kind. I went through three kinds before finding one that worked. Won't solve your problems, will just make you stronger to deal with them. (((hugs)))

meggem

I was just thinking that after I responded to you. I have been taking the same one for years. Maybe it doesn't do anything anymore. I'm not sure what is considered a danger zone or what is "part of the process" - Maybe it doesn't matter. Maybe it's possible I'm capable of feeling a little better.

What should I be feeling? I know you can't answer that, although I wish you could. I left him. I wanted to leave for a long time. I'm out!

Shouldn't I be having a party??

ResignedToWait

Yes, it does have its relief and happy moments...but a party for that? Not necessarily.
Your life, your hopes, your dreams...all that with the person you once thought would be with you until you die, are now betrayed and gone.

It would be like if you were shot in the leg and had to have the leg removed...you will certainly be happy you're still alive, but it's doubtful you'd be throwing an annual "I had my leg amputated party"

So, it's ok to be feeling what you're feeling. =)

Butterfly

Meggem you are being too hard on yourself you are feeling and you are putting these feelings into words. Feelings can change in the blink of an eye one minute I feel happy the next I'm crying the next I feel such rage it scares me sometimes these feelings last a minute, a day, an hour, I just go with it feel what I feel when I feel it and try to understand what at that time caused me to feel that way, sometimes I know what has triggered me others I'm so confused I'm learning to accept that and clarity will come when I am ready to deal with it. You have only started your counselling, 3rd session I think? Give yourself time you are right where you are meant to be!

Take it one day at a time and one feeling at a time

Sometimes you have to try different antidepressants before you find one that works for you see you Dr and discuss this, it took me a long time to find one that worked and I am reviewed at my Dr every month.

Tight hugs

hopeful4

Honey, do you realize how in tune to yourself you are just to be able to type out what you just did?? Your self awareness is HUGE.

You will not be alone forever because you are an awesome person! However, with healing you will pick someone with whom you can have a healthy and happy relationship with.

Be proud of what you are accomplishing and take it a baby step at a time. Look back at your life 1 year ago, you have made AMAZING progress!

Many hugs coming your way!!! XXX

maia1234

Meg,
I am sorry for your "crazyness". Everything hurts and I can understand that. When you think of everything at once, you wonder how you can survive. I do the same. So depressed. I think it is really good to reach out to people who "understand" and validate what you are feeling. If these feelings are extreme then I agree with the other people you might switch your meds, what do you have to lose.

But my attitude is, I am one day closer to my divorce (week from today) 22 days from selling my home. After 34 years I am so over whelmed and sad. I still don't know where I am moving to, yikes. So once you see someone elses problems, sometime your problems aren't' so bad.

Don't get overwhelmed and think the big picture. Just take it one hour at a time and see if that helps. (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

lillamy

I can tell you what I was feeling. I was scared, angry, crying a lot, dancing while I scrubbed my kitchen because it was mine and he wasn't there, had anxiety attacks, spent some weekends (when he had the kids) in bed marathon watching old TV series and eating ice cream... I tell my kids (and myself) that whatever you're feeling is OK, there's no "shoulds" in feelings.

And I had my fridge full of sticky notes with quotes from SR. A few that I remember was "Unacceptable behavior is unacceptable" and "Right now, you are safe. Your house is safe. Your children are safe." and "It will not always feel this way." Oh, and also "One Day At A Time. In a pinch, ten minutes at a time."

I remember rolling my eyes when people told me to take care of myself and pamper myself, because I didn't know what would make me feel better -- I just knew that I wanted to feel better. I went to meetings once a day for the longest time. I spent a lot of time on an exercise bike, often in the middle of the night.

I stuffed a lot of my feelings. That's something I wouldn't recommend, but I wasn't able to handle more than I did handle at the time.

I was afraid of doing things wrong, handling things wrong. In retrospect, I wish I had just... let myself be. Let myself feel what I was feeling, do what I was capable of doing.

meggem

Actually it was a year ago this month that I came home from a dinner date with my gal pal at work, unsuspecting to what was going to happen. There he was... drunk. Standing there, eyes were glassy and red and he had the look of the devil on his face. I knew oh I knew he wasn't going to stop until he "climaxed" and he hadn't said one word yet but I knew.

He started with bizarre ramblings about me cheating on him and he went on and on. Called me a bunch of names and it was as if he was looking right.through.me. Like he had no soul.

I tried to watch TV (I remember it was Greys Anatomy, I had gotten home in time to watch it) then he cut the cable so I couldn't watch TV.

Then he went and got a bottle of water and slowly tipped it over on my head. I just sat there on the couch as water poured down my head chest and couch. There was no sense in reacting, I had tried it all. I even tried fighting back a few times. I didn't feel anything at that moment. Pity I suppose. Disgust. And stupidly.. shocked. Even if I didn't show it at the time, he could always "shock me"

He was so handsome to me but as I sat there looking at him that night, he looked pathetic. What I used to see was a rugged contractor with very broad shoulders, a sexy shaven head, had become a short fat pot bellied bald drunk.

I think I got up at that point (after the water) because I was dripping wet and he chased me around the house, smashing everything around me, drunk, vicious and crazy. Beer bottles, furniture, lamps.

I called the police, he took off, they found him, didn't arrest him but to wrap this up, he left for rehab that Monday, October 6th.

A year ago today was way worse than now.

lillamy

(((hugs)))

And my experience is that it does get better. It takes time. It takes work. But it's gotten so much better for me.

FireSprite

Yep, that sounds about right. That's a pretty accurate way to describe how it feels to go through a big life change like this. My moods changed so randomly & rapidly for a while there that I thought maybe I really was the crazier one after all. It took a long time for things to even out for me, emotionally, mainly because I didn't really start to fall apart until long after the crisis had passed & the drama had died down. Only then did I really digest all that had happened. Hang in there, it WILL get easier in time, I promise!

Kboys

Oh Meggem, that made me cry, as I've been through so many nights of similar torcher. I'm glad it's a better October for you this year. Hang in there. HUGS

SallyTaylor

Meggem - I can totally relate to this. When I first started therapy and the therapist asked "how do you feel about X", I would always answer "I think y". I literally could not see the difference between thinking and feeling AT ALL. It took several years to actually identify what was a feeling vs a thought. You are way ahead of the game!!!

Over this past year as I"ve left my XAH and filed for divorce I've felt it all exactly as you describe. IN just the past few weeks I've finally gotten to the place of being able to be glad that I am out and at peace with what happened. I still cry for the loss and the pain, but it is much much much less frequent and I can kind of look at it as part of the process rather than those feelings of sadness causing me waves of more pain.

I'm amazed at this, as like you I was in such acute pain and constantly shifting emotions for several months. But I feel like that phase has played out and there is more peace and acceptance and confidence on the other side.

HANG TOUGH!!! You will make it through. You are strong!!! Feel those feelings - you will get to the other side when you are ready to. It will come!!!!

meggem

thanks to all of you...

Wisconsin

((HUGS)) Meggem. I totally agree that there is no right or wrong way to feel here, and so many of us struggle daily with PTSD and PTSD-like symptoms.

I know that when my ex (non-A) husband had a nervous breakdown when our daughters were very young, and I was coping with the fallout, my therapist and I talked a lot about the PTSD-like symptoms I was having, and the grieving I was doing for our prior life. We talked about temporary (as opposed to chronic) depression, and she described it to me as difficulty/inability to enjoy things that typically bring you joy. That really said a lot to me, and I started on an anti-depressant. It didn't make the bad stuff go away, and it didn't fix my problems, but it made it easier for me to keep a clear head to navigate the bad stuff, and made it easier for me to feel joy in joyful situations. I agree that trying a different med might be in order. Definitely worth discussing with your doctor.

Otherwise, I totally agree with everyone---your awareness of all of this is priceless, and a sign of huge, tremendous strides in recovery.

FeelingGreat

Megg your story of the night before he went into rehab was gut wrenching. Rest assured you will get better slowly because you are doing the hard yards.

The key to hope is that recovery is slow. It's like weight loss; the slower it is the better chance of it lasting.