jarp

I just can't quite wrap my head around this one.

AH isn't doing so well in rehab over the last 2 days, and has real fears he's not going to be able to do this. Which means I need to make decisions. He's been out of the house since late June/ early July.

I don't think my AH would argue for any custody, perhaps at most some visitation at his own picking and choosing. But I can't be sure of course. I thought the same with my dd's Dad...and he surprised me.

It horrifies me the thought of my H being responsible for our son (daughters are not his), should we divorce. He is not capable of keeping him safe.

It horrifies me thinking kids will grown up with an active alcoholic in the house.

Neither option works in terms of thinking about the safety of the children.

I'm studying law, which means I fortunately or unfortunately have read enough decisions in cases to know that in Australia (and from what i read here - other countries as well) parental rights are protected over the safety rights of children, and even if get supervised visits, it would be temporary.

For those who made a decision one way or the other...how did you wrap you heads around this? For those of you left, how do you live with sending your child/ren off with an alcoholic? Knowing their safety is at risk? For those who stay....how do you live with having your kids grow up with an active A? Knowing their safety is at risk.

What thinking tipped you one way or the other?

Please don't take this as any criticism...clearly there is no easy answer, it's complex...and often it's the better of two bad options that we choose. But how?

I wish I could move interstate and hide! I really do.

redatlanta

I don't think its much different here. Supervised visits are temporary and the like, I have seen requirements of refraining from alcohol while having the children in custody and being able to breathalyze that parent. Is that an option?

IMO if your husband relapses after leaving rehab it would be a much better choice to forego the marriage. A safe haven for your children part of the time is much better for you and them than living with crazy alcoholic madness all of the time. I can't say I have ever seen on here that an A spouse lost their visitation permanently, but I have certainly seen where repeat offenders were pounded with restrictions that were pretty severe.

For many visitation gets in the way of drinking so that parent foregoes it so they can do what they do best. No way to know if this would happen with your RAH.

Shameful that courts allow active addicts visitation and custody. Don't get it.

lillamy

For me, that consideration was never part of the equation. I left because it was unsafe for any of us to live with AXH. His alcoholism and mental illness had gotten to the point where it was only a matter of time before he made good on his threat to kill us all. He did end up getting shared custody anyway; it was hell for a while; but in the end he couldn't handle being a parent and gave up on the kids. It was predictable, but that didn't make it easier to send the kids to his house when I knew he was drinking and could be violent.

The kids suffered abuse during that time. I'm crushed by guilt for letting that happen. But it was still the least bad alternative. If I had stayed, we would all be dead.

Blossom717

"parental rights are protected over the safety rights of children"

Unfortunately its true here too in the states. In Mediation we weren't allowed to bring up the "past".....I'm not sure how else I am supposed to show that exabf is an unfit parent.

Just keep your side of the street clean, they will mess up and it doesn't really have to be that big for the parent to loose some rights. The only bad part about these kinds of situations is that a lot of times they won't consider the screw ups that a parent has done while the child wasn't with them at the time ("did you put the child in danger?") ....They only look at the time with the child. Document what he does with the child in the room. I made the mistake of not documenting (taking pictures anyway) exabf smoking pot with dd on the same bed, or some of the other stuff. I have his illegal actions documented, but when DD was around it I was more concerned about getting her away from it. Now its biting me in the butt a little!

happybeingme

Jarp,

Living with or even having visitation with an alcoholic are tricky enough but what I think is more important is your husbands Borderline diagnosis. Is living with one safe? What do you want? Do you still want a marriage with him? If you dont I think it would be a really bad idea to stay with him for the kids. What message does that send them about marriage?

hopeful4

Jarp, I would say that the easiest thing to do in your case would be to appeal to him now, while he is in rehab. I know here you can file a parenting plan even when you are not divorced, just separated. I would try to get him to agree that he is not in a place to care for them, and put in some very real wording that protects the children. In my parenting plan that is part of my divorce decree, I got him to agree that he cannot drink around the children, have alcohol around them, cannot drink 24 hours before having them, cannot have them in an environment where alcohol is present. Also that he cannot take Rx drugs more than what is prescribed. That if he is acting erratically in any way or if the children feel uncomfortable I have the right to remove them immediately from his custody.

Also, if you could get any sort of statement or update in writing about how he is doing at this time? Maybe that would help.

I did some serious wheeling and dealing with him to get him to agree to all of that. My attorney told me it was good I did b/c no judge would have gotten that in there. We actually switched judges b/c he was not even sure the first judge would approve all of my stipulations even though we both agreed on them.

I typed it all up and we both signed it and had it notorized. That really did not mean a thing at the time but he did not realize that. It sort of just finalized it. Then I literally zoomed to my attorney and had him file it with the courts, immediately.

I live in the US so I am sure there are differences. I guess what I am saying is try to appeal to him yourself in any way you have to and hammer out an agreement between the two of you if at all possible.

Many hugs. I know this hurts. Stay the course!

FireSprite

My situation is different, my only experience with custody issues is while AH & I were separated & he was hiding his heavy drinking. He was the type to give up custody/visitation when he was very active in his addiction. He couldn't handle the responsibility AND manage his addiction at the same time & I *think* there might have also been a part of him that just didn't want her to view him *that* way, but he's never outright said it like that.

Knowing what I know now here's how I feel about it: If the day were to come when he decided to actively drink again & we split, I would fight tooth & nail for 100% of everything to do with DD & let him fight back for every little supervised visit. If he's active, he's progressing, so things aren't going to get better unless he chooses sobriety again & that's out of my control.

What I DO have control over is fighting for DD. She gets ONE chance to have a childhood. She didn't choose to be raised by an alcoholic parent. It's up to me as the functioning parent to put her needs ahead of his, put on her oxygen mask & life jacket & swim her to shore. Probably I wouldn't get the 100% of everything I fought for but I'd really make him work to get any bit of leeway. With my RAH he'd likely give up the fight or not follow through on what he was granted anyway. I would also want her armed with as many "tools" as possible - obvious stuff like a phone but also education on addiction so she can understand the signs she's seeing, etc. (I have already been working with her on things like yoga & meditation because it will serve her well in every area of her life as a general practice, not just a go-to in times of stress.)

I know not everyone would have this experience, more narcissistic A's may fight all the harder & the best action may be the exact opposite (agreeing to more instead of fighting harder). There are a lot of similarities but also many differences in all of our experiences so ultimately you have to do what is right & comfortable for your kids & yourself.

hopeful4

Yes FS, I too have educated my children on what to look for, on alcoholism in general. And they both carry a cell phone at all times, no matter what. Including school. They know to call me if things seem off, even just a little.