Silly Saddness
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Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: Toronto, ON
Posts: 44
Silly Saddness
So I can't help but be sad because I'm leaving... it's a lot of emotions but a part of me has been sad all week because ... well my ex doesn't even seem to care to say bye.. .for someone who insists he loves me...
I haven't seen my therapist in a while, but I know that she would tell me that he's an alcoholic ... he doesn't think rationally... he does care about me but he he doesn't have rational thoughts...
It hurts though... all week I've been getting emails, facebooks, texts from people that want to see me before I go ... I mean it's kind of sickening because a bunch of guys I've dated at one point or another over the past 26 years all of a sudden want me to have a drink with them - when I was here, none of them had much of an interest - Like I'm not stupid. They wanna hit it one more time.... like it's actually super gross that not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE dudes from my past (not relationshpis but flings or dated briefly) have msgd me - like they are all the same... "Hey, so when are you leaving?" Me: "Saturday" them"WE should have a drink before you go, for old times sake" ... and that's just in the past 24 hours - other guys have msgd me and such but I'm just not about that at all.
I'm so sick in the head.
I checked my app to see if my Ex had msgd me.. .thank GOD he didn't cause I can't handle the stress of arguing with him but I was so curious to see if he'd msgd me.. I got to cut that crap out cause what if he had? Would I be able to dissmiss it and not answer him? He knows what buttons he pushes
I don't even want him in my life - but it's like... we shared a relationship - we went through a lot together and as irrational as I'm sounding now I can't help but be hurt by the fact that it feels like it wasn't anything to him... But he hates me - he hates me because I wouldn't tolerate and enable his behaviour and expected him to be rational, and sober when we tried to work **** out.
Whatever I feel silly for being sad over it ... It's just.... I spend time... crying, thinking, missing, wondering, writing these posts... n he.. .well he just doesn't care. He probably never cared right? Like the things he put me through, the way he treated me... how you could possibly care about someone and do such things (abuse, lie, cheat, steal) - his defence has always been he treated his own family the same way. (Sidebar: towards the end of our relationship I kicked him out of my house - threw all his stuff on the curb, and his reaction was he would kill himself... I was able to find a phone number for his grandparents and called and spoke with his aunt -He had burned his bridge with them for stealing jewellery and electronics to pawn for drug money..) and he always says how he treated his own family like dirt... cause he's had a hard life, and no proper guidance, (both his parents are now dead, but in life were alcoholics- he was neglected in a way, and had no boundaries as a child) so it's like WTF is wrong with me? Why do I spend such time worrying about someone who doesn't give a Fck about me? Why do I spend my nights crying over some loser...? I reached out to the only person who hasn't burned the bridge with... a cousin of his who is a very loving, caring, rational person... I reached out when the whole "I'm going to kill myself" thing came about and we kept in touch for a while as he was to ashamed to face her.... I contacted her recently to send her his birth certificate and we emailed back and for for a while - I sent her screen shots of our convo - informing her he was back on drugs (and this was MY fault apparently).... I showed her how he's pulling every chord JUST to fck with me head (apparently he has a tumour) and I told her good luck with him-...
Like I do care about him a lot - and if she chooses to keep him in her life, she should know what the fck is really going on (he lies and sociopaths that he's successful) and maybe it's none of my business - but I don't care ... he's luck she is in his life and she has expressed an interest in genuinely helping him - she needs to know what's going on (in my opinion) ... anyways that was a long silly tangent..
I'm worried I'm going to get an email one day - that he's turned up dead or killed himself.
Why do I feel such sorrow and pain for someone who doesn't care for themself? I am trying so hard not to take his lack of interest in my life or wellbeing personally - cause not everyone (or barely anyone nowadays) has the type of heart that I have...
I feel so silly and dumb for wanting him to want to say good bye properly. I guess maybe it's a closure thing?
But as my therapist would tell me, it's not personal. He is an alcoholic/drug addict. Of course he doesn't want to say good bye - it would be proving to him that I'm moving on, it would be showing him the consequences of his actions.
*sigh*
I haven't seen my therapist in a while, but I know that she would tell me that he's an alcoholic ... he doesn't think rationally... he does care about me but he he doesn't have rational thoughts...
It hurts though... all week I've been getting emails, facebooks, texts from people that want to see me before I go ... I mean it's kind of sickening because a bunch of guys I've dated at one point or another over the past 26 years all of a sudden want me to have a drink with them - when I was here, none of them had much of an interest - Like I'm not stupid. They wanna hit it one more time.... like it's actually super gross that not one, not two, not three, not four but FIVE dudes from my past (not relationshpis but flings or dated briefly) have msgd me - like they are all the same... "Hey, so when are you leaving?" Me: "Saturday" them"WE should have a drink before you go, for old times sake" ... and that's just in the past 24 hours - other guys have msgd me and such but I'm just not about that at all.
I'm so sick in the head.
I checked my app to see if my Ex had msgd me.. .thank GOD he didn't cause I can't handle the stress of arguing with him but I was so curious to see if he'd msgd me.. I got to cut that crap out cause what if he had? Would I be able to dissmiss it and not answer him? He knows what buttons he pushes
I don't even want him in my life - but it's like... we shared a relationship - we went through a lot together and as irrational as I'm sounding now I can't help but be hurt by the fact that it feels like it wasn't anything to him... But he hates me - he hates me because I wouldn't tolerate and enable his behaviour and expected him to be rational, and sober when we tried to work **** out.
Whatever I feel silly for being sad over it ... It's just.... I spend time... crying, thinking, missing, wondering, writing these posts... n he.. .well he just doesn't care. He probably never cared right? Like the things he put me through, the way he treated me... how you could possibly care about someone and do such things (abuse, lie, cheat, steal) - his defence has always been he treated his own family the same way. (Sidebar: towards the end of our relationship I kicked him out of my house - threw all his stuff on the curb, and his reaction was he would kill himself... I was able to find a phone number for his grandparents and called and spoke with his aunt -He had burned his bridge with them for stealing jewellery and electronics to pawn for drug money..) and he always says how he treated his own family like dirt... cause he's had a hard life, and no proper guidance, (both his parents are now dead, but in life were alcoholics- he was neglected in a way, and had no boundaries as a child) so it's like WTF is wrong with me? Why do I spend such time worrying about someone who doesn't give a Fck about me? Why do I spend my nights crying over some loser...? I reached out to the only person who hasn't burned the bridge with... a cousin of his who is a very loving, caring, rational person... I reached out when the whole "I'm going to kill myself" thing came about and we kept in touch for a while as he was to ashamed to face her.... I contacted her recently to send her his birth certificate and we emailed back and for for a while - I sent her screen shots of our convo - informing her he was back on drugs (and this was MY fault apparently).... I showed her how he's pulling every chord JUST to fck with me head (apparently he has a tumour) and I told her good luck with him-...
Like I do care about him a lot - and if she chooses to keep him in her life, she should know what the fck is really going on (he lies and sociopaths that he's successful) and maybe it's none of my business - but I don't care ... he's luck she is in his life and she has expressed an interest in genuinely helping him - she needs to know what's going on (in my opinion) ... anyways that was a long silly tangent..
I'm worried I'm going to get an email one day - that he's turned up dead or killed himself.
Why do I feel such sorrow and pain for someone who doesn't care for themself? I am trying so hard not to take his lack of interest in my life or wellbeing personally - cause not everyone (or barely anyone nowadays) has the type of heart that I have...
I feel so silly and dumb for wanting him to want to say good bye properly. I guess maybe it's a closure thing?
But as my therapist would tell me, it's not personal. He is an alcoholic/drug addict. Of course he doesn't want to say good bye - it would be proving to him that I'm moving on, it would be showing him the consequences of his actions.
*sigh*
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
You want closure.
And you are going to have to give it to yourself.
I read a book about alcoholics about ten years ago, where the author said alcoholics (in particular) tend to create a script for their lives. You know how mystery novels always are constructed the same way, how fairy tales always have a hero that saves the day? Alcoholics structure the script for their lives according to the same format. And if you listen to their stories about their past, you can detect it. And if you can detect the format, you can predict the future with a remarkable precision.
The script most alcoholics follow is this: I am a misunderstood person who has never received the love, attention, and understanding I deserve. The universe is out to get me for some reason. If a pigeon flies over a group of people, it will poop on my head. That's always how it is. People always treat me badly and I have no idea why. I'm always the victim.
I'd bet money that's what your ex is following when he's talking about your relationship. That you left him for no good reason and he has no idea why. He'll probably tell that sob story to a woman like the woman I was when I met AXH, and she'll believe him and feel sorry for him. And she'll take him in and care for him until she realizes his version of reality might not be the same as yours.
My ex dated a woman who hated me. She literally couldn't even look at me. She even told the kids she was so sorry they had to live with such a hateful woman who ruined their father's life. That is, until he beat the crap out of her. Then she called me up and cried and apologized.
Closure is something we have to provide for ourselves. Don't expect it from him. Cry, grieve, then pull your chin up and move forward. (((hugs)))
And you are going to have to give it to yourself.
I read a book about alcoholics about ten years ago, where the author said alcoholics (in particular) tend to create a script for their lives. You know how mystery novels always are constructed the same way, how fairy tales always have a hero that saves the day? Alcoholics structure the script for their lives according to the same format. And if you listen to their stories about their past, you can detect it. And if you can detect the format, you can predict the future with a remarkable precision.
The script most alcoholics follow is this: I am a misunderstood person who has never received the love, attention, and understanding I deserve. The universe is out to get me for some reason. If a pigeon flies over a group of people, it will poop on my head. That's always how it is. People always treat me badly and I have no idea why. I'm always the victim.
I'd bet money that's what your ex is following when he's talking about your relationship. That you left him for no good reason and he has no idea why. He'll probably tell that sob story to a woman like the woman I was when I met AXH, and she'll believe him and feel sorry for him. And she'll take him in and care for him until she realizes his version of reality might not be the same as yours.
My ex dated a woman who hated me. She literally couldn't even look at me. She even told the kids she was so sorry they had to live with such a hateful woman who ruined their father's life. That is, until he beat the crap out of her. Then she called me up and cried and apologized.
Closure is something we have to provide for ourselves. Don't expect it from him. Cry, grieve, then pull your chin up and move forward. (((hugs)))
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
Expecting normal, healthy reactions from an active alcoholic is like trying to get blood from a stone. Like expecting a cat to bark, a pig to fly. They're just not capable of it. In the meantime, you're taking big, but difficult, steps to create a life you want. Take the actions and the feellings will follow. God bless!
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