irisgardens

My AD went no contact with me 4 1/2 months ago...after my husband and I basically went all out to try to help her through what we thought was tough love...in her court case after she was arrested and put in jail--we did not bail her out, we asked her sibling not to bail her out...she didn't...we were allowed to speak in court by the judge and DA and fought by the public defender and her to be put out of the court room and we continued to go and sit there...I went alone as my husband went to his birth country to finish the job we didn't finish when I found a job over Skype and started to work.

She is still using as far as I know. I lost my job. I am anxious every day and yet working to accept (?) the boundaries she put on in going no contact...I was very direct at work (as a woman manager) with the two male people and I was let go. I shared my daughter's condition with my boss and he couldn't forget it and at the end of the day he let me go.

I am anxious but I know that I was emotionally completely over the edge for many months at work...I am in accounting and not supposed to be over the edge...it has gotten so people can tell from my face and I was shaking inside the last month after I did some enormous set of projects and just worked so hard to make it work after I was firm with my boss (my therapist thinks I was firm and a leader in doing what I did...the company was short on money and I did what people like me do in those positions, I managed it.

I am on here because I am afraid to look for a job but am doing it. I am wondering what is wrong with me...but I know that I have done what I can...and I am so scared. I do not know about what. I am holding the boundary with my AD. I have had trouble being separated from my husband but he did the right thing in finishing the job and I am happy about that.

I am so afraid...of living the way alanon and naranon say I can. I don't know what to do but I am reading my literature...will go to an informational interview with a recruiter today (scared to get up but will) and I am doing what I can...I am letting myself feel it as I have no other choice...it overtook me at work this time...

I am feeling feelings that I was raised not to feel...and I am trying to be honest about them...as I learned earlier in my recovery that I am supposed to feel them...but it is frightening as I feel so vulnerable and I know that when I am vulnerable I allow myself to do caretaking things and I cannot with this child--she is my 3rd to go through this and I am so afraid...and although I am holding the boundaries I learned...no money, the no contact she has put in place because I held the boundaries and did the tough love...it is the most tough love I ever had to do...the others were not adults (she is 22) and the others were in their teens and although it almost killed me, I paid for rehabs and support and did the tough love as best I could...no money for sure...no coming home with the first daughter...took care of the grandkids while 2nd daughter (3rd child) finished college and as of now...2 of 5 kids are not drinking or using substances...they are both in their 30's...

My husband and I hit financial bottom after 3rd child finished college and got a job...we went to South America where he is from and found construction jobs -- and we made enough money to live on and finish the jobs... I was given by my HP a job over skype which lasted for 14 months but my stress came back (it was restful in South America but separation from family was awful and I asked my HP for help...and was given the job and way back just before we would have run completely out of money).

We found our daughter in a large western city and tried to help her with detox and rehab but she ran (3 times)--she cannot live with me now...she used the whole time and then ran each time...the kids have all used Dad as the 'good guy' and I have been the 'bad cop' and it has been spirit wrenching...but I have always looked for a job, found a job...or worked with hubby.

Now...I am a mess...the feelings are overwhelming. I worked with a therapist to set boundaries and made a little headway (the two oldest children are no longer calling me crazy and are finding ways to be with me for small periods of time).

I am working on not enabling so setting boundaries with the 3rd child who I no longer believe uses...but she is very very black & white and what would be classified as a taker (takes care of herself and we enabled as we took care of the twins for 7 years...as we were going down herself...she is deeply angry with me...and I have had to set boundaries as even me saying I love her...which I do...sets her off).

I need to dig deeper into my recovery. I am reading here at SR...the anxiety becomes overwhelming and I put it down and come back. I am making a point of getting out of the house--alone for the first time in 39 years with husband gone and kids all out of the house...although one is coming back--his sister had him (the 3rd one--she is acting the martyr about all she has done for everyone in the past two years while I didn't do my job as mother--I wanted him to take his own path when he chose not to live with me after I came back...and I finally just told her that...that I didn't agree with what she did and since she went ahead it was her issue...and I told her to kick him out)--he is coming back though...my family rules were always that if they were in school and he is working too...that they could live with me free.

I am so confused...the steps are not clear so clinging to recovery...I am going today to an interview...I am 60 so know that that is not easy...but I am going...I miss my husband...even though there have been so many hard years in the family...this 3rd child addict finally seems to have torn the family apart...but maybe it is just our HP's helping us to learn to set boundaries...I can no longer enable...it is a sickness inside me. I love people...I truly do...but I do not know what to do...praying for husband to finish the job in the time he says--at first it was 2 months but turned into 6 months and I am literally at the end of my rope.

This feels like I am just blurbling out a huge mess...working on staying in the moment and getting up and doing today. I am weak from the feelings...when I was working this last time I felt worthless and got angry with my boss at the end...because he didn't take me into account on some stupid task and wanted to work with someone who knew less. So this is my fear...that I am so far gone that I cannot deal well enough with the anger. I was angry to be stepped over and not taken into account. I was angry as he took over the team I spent the last year building and training and the project list I took the last year developing and then took it all.

I had been told by my predecessor but I had to experience it myself...and that is a situation I need to deal with because as a caretaker...I have done a lot...but I get resentful when people don't give it back...and that is what I think I need to deal with...and asking my HP to help me. I need more recovery.

Does

Lovenjoy

keep writing it out iris, it helps. you will be ok. i am having very similar work issues from very similar fallout but i'm at work now so can't take the time to get into it.....

but i am here... i am sending you warm hugs... and i'll be back later.

breathe. again. and again. you will be ok. i fake it til i make it on many days...

djlook

irisgardens.

I applied for a job when I had been in recovery for eight years. Previous to that job I had been a business owner of 20 years, had held executive type positions from a young age, and I also had experience in the job I applied for. Two weeks went by after my interview. I became highly anxious and fearful that I wasn't going to get that job.

I talked to my sponsor and she suggestd I call him. I did. He said he had hired someone with more experience. My ego was severely bruised. I had a difficult time accepting that I didn't get what I wanted, which then turned into a resentment.

My sponsor told me to pray that God give that man and the lady he hired everything I wanted for myself; peace of mind, a healthy family, financial security, etc.. I called her back and told her I had asked God to give them everything I wanted for myself, now what? She then asked me to write the employer a letter and thank him for the time he had spent interviewing me. I did not want to do that but I had to get rid of the resentment. I wrote him a brief letter. A short time passed and I realized, in being honest with myself, that that wasn't the right job for me at the time. I wouldn't have lasted two weeks at that job. Another short time passed and today I am truly blessed to have two jobs I absolutely love, the perfect fit for me and my employers.

I'm 65 years old. I work from my home and am able to be of help to two wonderful companies. I was taught in recovery to ask God to place me in a job where I could be useful to others, and that's exactly what I have. I turned my financial insecurities over to a power greater than myself because I was making a total mess of things, and it's all worked out beautifully. My sponsor also taught me a simple fear prayer in that I ask God to remove my fear and have me be who he would want me to be.

I'm pretty new here at SR, have read a lot of your posts. You've had a lot of challenges not only with your children but in other aspects of your life. You're a lady who has to have a lot of character after having worked through all those difficult situations. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. Thank you for your posts.

irisgardens

Thank you both...lovenjoy and djlook...your messages give me hope...and in the meantime, I am taking one step at a time...and walking through the fear and anxiety that currently seems to permeate my being. Went to meet a recruiter today...and focused on just doing what that needed...to get dressed and to arrive on time and to be authentic and genuine...and then leave it up to God (my HP). To read this support is so awesome...as I know that my body doesn't process emotions well...so many years of working through things and for whatever reason...when I am in between and don't have enough to focus on...I process like crazy. I am trying to just let my HP help me...and I wish I had a sponsor but I have not had one...but I am open and available...and focusing on asking God to help me be who I am supposed to be and not what my own will leads me to be. Thank you so much for the encouragement...as I have taken this step deeper into my own program...I am clinging to what I read here as well going to meetings once a week and involvement in the activities that God has opened up. I recognize my impatience...and I feel blessed that I could finally admit to my anger this am...as it is that resentment that gets me every time...and I need to deal with it often...because it can turn my life very dark. I am grateful for so many things and am so grateful for your responses as this was one of my more honest posts...and it helped. I need to work on myself and not others...and I am coming to realize that every time I expect something as a result of my labors (which I would like to believe are selfless...but I am admitting here that I build up too many expectations which results in resentment and that is what I need to work on now...more of letting it go and turning it over to my HP). You have given me hope and for that I thank you and bless you...as often I come across quite strong and the inner parts of me that need to be exposed for what they are so that I can heal through working my program get missed...your experience and hope and honesty are wonderful.

chicory

Iris,
I can tell that you have worked very hard to understand yourself, and others, and are trying very hard to work through your disappointments. I am sorry that your work did not prove to be a solid and safe place to build a future on. I am a sensitive person and cannot handle a lot of emotional turmoil at work-I am fortunate to not have to work directly with a lot of people. I don't have a great paying job , but its pretty much stress free, just a lot of hard work.

I am not sure if I am correct, but I feel that you are having anxiety from worrying about everything at once. Too many things to worry with will send my anxiety through the roof. When I reach that point, I have to decide to just let something go... to worry only about those things that I can do anything positive about.
Perhaps you can try that for now... just maybe say the Serenity Prayer, and really meditate on it.... you will get answers, I believe, as it works that way for me.

Just focus on you. On looking for a job that will be the right one for you. On doing some nice and peaceful things for yourself. Let your adult children take care of themselves, and don't let their problems be yours, nor should you let them dump their negative thoughts on you. you have to save your energy to find your peace and your security, because no one else is going to do that for you.

sending good wishes, and wishing you good luck on your job search. let go of any extra baggage(worries). it won't help to worry. worry never solves anything.

hugs
chic

irisgardens

Chicory...will take that suggestion...and reread over and over...thank you.

Txhelp

We are here for you. I can hear that you are really trying hard to walk through this craziness. You are doing it. One day at a time. One step at a time.

Boundaries are for your peace. Your children are adults and need to take full responsibility for their lives. This is healthy for all involved.

irisgardens

Thank you for the encouragement...you are right...my adult children get to make their own choices...and although I feel very sad about my AD, I know deeply that I can do nothing more for her...and since she has chosen no contact as her way...I need to accept that...so the validation that my work on boundaries has been healthy is really appreciated.

I am walking through the job search and opening it up to God and asking for help to find a place that is right for me and also that I will be able to stay out of the chaos of a family that looks to me to solve problems that are not within my control to solve. Had a more peaceful day today...and deeply grateful for it...the days where the anxiety strikes...working on posting feelings (hard to do for me...big stuffer) so that I can learn to come from a less reactive place when I am finally pushed to the wall.

The support and love here at SR is making a huge difference...and I place my trust that boundaries are healthy for all involved...and will continue to walk this path.