Advice please - husband denies drinking even after driving drunk and pissing the bed.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 76
Advice please - husband denies drinking even after driving drunk and pissing the bed.
Hi, I have been reading posts here for a few weeks but this is my first time writing. I am hoping for some support and advice on the most recent incident dealing with my AH.
I have been married for 9 years and I am aware of my AH's alcohol abuse for the last 6. For about 5 years he spent all his time at home alone in his office downstairs, drinking until he passed out. Almost all of his interaction with me or my son (now 7) was to rage. I did everything - working, raising our son basically alone, all of the housework and gardening and raising poultry.
He hid all the drinking as he knew I didn't approve - he has a family history of alcoholism. I suspected many times that he was drunk and asked him and he denied it. I believed him, and so my descent into misery began. I found a stash of empty bottles 2 years ago and confronted him and he then moved himself upstairs, sat in a chair using his tablet and my son and I continued to live basically alone. Last year I found more empties and confronted him and he said he hid them because he knew I didn't like it (I recognize that as deflecting blame).
I started to go to a therapist and do research and am getting stronger and beginning to detach. This summer I had a long talk with him about the years of bad behaviour and how the drinking is a serious issue. He said he was sad and would go to see the therapist. Since then his behaviour is much improved, no more raging, doing housework, even started some renos. However, I can tell he is still drinking and hiding it so I feel the improvement can only be temporary.
Last night he took our son to swimming lessons. When he returned (late - I was already starting to worry), I could tell he'd been drinking - the stiff posture, not really conversational, took a shower, went to bed and loud snoring (he has apnea and I now know it is worse when drinking and the CPAP becomes useless). Then he bolts out of bed, stands around disoriented, staggers to the bathroom. I feel around his side of the bed - it is wet with urine. It has been a long time since he peed the bed, but it has happened a few times before. He staggers back in naked, searching for underwear, staggers around the room and back to bed. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and see his wet underwear on the floor.
This morning, I asked him to wash the blanket he was lying on. So he did. No mention of why by either of us.
On the way into work (we work in the same office), I told him when he came home last night he was drunk and had driven drunk with our son. I said that can never happen again. I said I need to set a boundary and from now on I will drive in the evenings or whenever I suspect he's been drinking. (Proud of myself, calm and simple statement of my boundary.)
Silence for 5 minutes, then says 'I don't even know what to say to that'. I can tell he's fuming. Then he says he will go to the doctor and get a prescription for Antabuse and take if for 6 months. Describes the use. Then says after that we will need to discuss some major changes that need to happen with me. (!?!?!?) He says mainly I have to be much nicer to him.
Honestly, I am much nicer to him than he deserves and put a lot of effort into being supportive of his behavioural changes and all the things he is doing around the house. He has not expressed regret for the years of abuse to a degree that I feel shows that he really understands what I have gone through - only that one conversation where he said he was sad. It has not been brought up at all again.
I find it hard to continue to believe in myself when I suspect he has been drinking - in the morning he acts like nothing happened and he is all sweetness and denies the drinking and acts like I am the jerk for suspecting him. Now he is accusing me of being mean to him!! He is the one that drove drunk with our son!
Looking for support, advice, whatever...feeling very frustrated, angry and unhappy.
I have been married for 9 years and I am aware of my AH's alcohol abuse for the last 6. For about 5 years he spent all his time at home alone in his office downstairs, drinking until he passed out. Almost all of his interaction with me or my son (now 7) was to rage. I did everything - working, raising our son basically alone, all of the housework and gardening and raising poultry.
He hid all the drinking as he knew I didn't approve - he has a family history of alcoholism. I suspected many times that he was drunk and asked him and he denied it. I believed him, and so my descent into misery began. I found a stash of empty bottles 2 years ago and confronted him and he then moved himself upstairs, sat in a chair using his tablet and my son and I continued to live basically alone. Last year I found more empties and confronted him and he said he hid them because he knew I didn't like it (I recognize that as deflecting blame).
I started to go to a therapist and do research and am getting stronger and beginning to detach. This summer I had a long talk with him about the years of bad behaviour and how the drinking is a serious issue. He said he was sad and would go to see the therapist. Since then his behaviour is much improved, no more raging, doing housework, even started some renos. However, I can tell he is still drinking and hiding it so I feel the improvement can only be temporary.
Last night he took our son to swimming lessons. When he returned (late - I was already starting to worry), I could tell he'd been drinking - the stiff posture, not really conversational, took a shower, went to bed and loud snoring (he has apnea and I now know it is worse when drinking and the CPAP becomes useless). Then he bolts out of bed, stands around disoriented, staggers to the bathroom. I feel around his side of the bed - it is wet with urine. It has been a long time since he peed the bed, but it has happened a few times before. He staggers back in naked, searching for underwear, staggers around the room and back to bed. I went to the bathroom to wash my hands and see his wet underwear on the floor.
This morning, I asked him to wash the blanket he was lying on. So he did. No mention of why by either of us.
On the way into work (we work in the same office), I told him when he came home last night he was drunk and had driven drunk with our son. I said that can never happen again. I said I need to set a boundary and from now on I will drive in the evenings or whenever I suspect he's been drinking. (Proud of myself, calm and simple statement of my boundary.)
Silence for 5 minutes, then says 'I don't even know what to say to that'. I can tell he's fuming. Then he says he will go to the doctor and get a prescription for Antabuse and take if for 6 months. Describes the use. Then says after that we will need to discuss some major changes that need to happen with me. (!?!?!?) He says mainly I have to be much nicer to him.
Honestly, I am much nicer to him than he deserves and put a lot of effort into being supportive of his behavioural changes and all the things he is doing around the house. He has not expressed regret for the years of abuse to a degree that I feel shows that he really understands what I have gone through - only that one conversation where he said he was sad. It has not been brought up at all again.
I find it hard to continue to believe in myself when I suspect he has been drinking - in the morning he acts like nothing happened and he is all sweetness and denies the drinking and acts like I am the jerk for suspecting him. Now he is accusing me of being mean to him!! He is the one that drove drunk with our son!
Looking for support, advice, whatever...feeling very frustrated, angry and unhappy.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Nothing will get better until he stops drinking. A lot of drunks lie about their consumption. He knows you disapprove so he lies about it. You know he was drinking... He knows too.
Antabuse only works if he takes it. And if he says he isn't drinking why would he suggest it?
He is doing what drunks do.
Antabuse only works if he takes it. And if he says he isn't drinking why would he suggest it?
He is doing what drunks do.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: ohio
Posts: 17
I'm new to this forum but I grew up in a household like this. Reading your story brings back very bad memory's. I turned out almost the same I would hide my drinking and deflect blame at every chance I was confronted with it. Ultimately he's going to need to be the one who realizes he has a problem. People told me I had a problem for years but I didn't think I did.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
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Stick to your boundries. And don't let your son ride with his dad.
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
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Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
Hi Lucy, I was once the same type of drinker as your husband. I was living with a girl during the height of my alcoholism and trying to hide my drinking. She would find bottles all over the place and I would lie straight to her face that I wasn't drinking and they must be old bottles.
Your husband is deep in the throes of alcoholism. He needs help. He will not be able to quit on his own. He will tell you he is gonna cut down and make all sorts of promises and while he might show improvement for a while, I doubt much will change. I needed 35 days of rehab to get sober.
Have you thought about an intervention of some sort involving his family and yourself?
Your husband is deep in the throes of alcoholism. He needs help. He will not be able to quit on his own. He will tell you he is gonna cut down and make all sorts of promises and while he might show improvement for a while, I doubt much will change. I needed 35 days of rehab to get sober.
Have you thought about an intervention of some sort involving his family and yourself?
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Oregon
Posts: 1,536
Hi Lucy
I absolutely love the honesty in this post. You are a wise and compassionate person. Congrats on setting the boundaries. Protecting your child from the alcohol abuse is paramount!
As far as your husband goes, nothing will change until he wants it and you cannot make him want it. I'm the alcoholic in the family so know that last statement well. My family wanted it for me long before I wanted it and all my attempts to please them failed. BTW - there were no minors involved so my situation is different in that respect.
One thing my family did in dealing with me was separate ME from the Alcoholic ME and they knew I was "trapped" in the throes of it all. They were very compassionate to me asking me to come back, but didn't allow my alcoholic me any room to do much. They wouldn't interact with me if I was drinking other than to say "I love you, but I can't talk/go/whatever with you while you're drinking." and they'd go on with real life without me. My husband did what he could to make sure I was safe which I'm soooooo thankful for!!!! Eventually, I wanted sobriety because I wanted it, and they were there waiting for me.
Praying for you as you continue to set boundaries and for your husband that he will want sobriety more than he wants alcohol.
I absolutely love the honesty in this post. You are a wise and compassionate person. Congrats on setting the boundaries. Protecting your child from the alcohol abuse is paramount!
As far as your husband goes, nothing will change until he wants it and you cannot make him want it. I'm the alcoholic in the family so know that last statement well. My family wanted it for me long before I wanted it and all my attempts to please them failed. BTW - there were no minors involved so my situation is different in that respect.
One thing my family did in dealing with me was separate ME from the Alcoholic ME and they knew I was "trapped" in the throes of it all. They were very compassionate to me asking me to come back, but didn't allow my alcoholic me any room to do much. They wouldn't interact with me if I was drinking other than to say "I love you, but I can't talk/go/whatever with you while you're drinking." and they'd go on with real life without me. My husband did what he could to make sure I was safe which I'm soooooo thankful for!!!! Eventually, I wanted sobriety because I wanted it, and they were there waiting for me.
Praying for you as you continue to set boundaries and for your husband that he will want sobriety more than he wants alcohol.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Denial is the signature of alcoholism, its the only disease that convinces them they don’t have it.
Blame and deflection comes next……….if he can convince you that there is something wrong with you and that you need to change it deflects away from pointing your finger at him.
Antabuse only works if someone really wants to get sober and sadly he does not sound like someone who does. Him throwing that out there about the antabuse is how he got you off his back and it sounded good. Actions will prove things to you, more will be revealed.
Without a doubt you can no longer allow him to drive with your child in the car, no guessing on if he has or has not been drinking, why take that chance.
Blame and deflection comes next……….if he can convince you that there is something wrong with you and that you need to change it deflects away from pointing your finger at him.
Antabuse only works if someone really wants to get sober and sadly he does not sound like someone who does. Him throwing that out there about the antabuse is how he got you off his back and it sounded good. Actions will prove things to you, more will be revealed.
Without a doubt you can no longer allow him to drive with your child in the car, no guessing on if he has or has not been drinking, why take that chance.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Lucy, what a situation. It amazes me when an A lies in the face of clear evidence but they do. It's a complete disconnect with reality.
Your AH getting Antabuse is a bad sign because it shows he's not willing to try AA, or other therapy, but hoping this is a quick fix. And if the urges come back, he just has to stop taking it.
It's horrifying that he drove drunk, but more so that he's not sorry. If he doesn't want to recover, what will be your breaking point? Do you have an idea of how long you can live like this?
Your AH getting Antabuse is a bad sign because it shows he's not willing to try AA, or other therapy, but hoping this is a quick fix. And if the urges come back, he just has to stop taking it.
It's horrifying that he drove drunk, but more so that he's not sorry. If he doesn't want to recover, what will be your breaking point? Do you have an idea of how long you can live like this?
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Join Date: Sep 2014
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Hi, thank you everyone for your supportive responses.
This is the first I had heard of Antabuse. He must have been doing research. It sounded to me like he wanted to take it to show me I am wrong about him drinking. Even if he took it for 6 months, without doing the work required to pursue sobriety and admitting there is a problem, I still wouldn't trust him.
I have no idea how long I will tolerate this. He is being a good parent to our son now for the first time since he was a baby - keeping in mind that driving drunk with him in the car makes this statement seem naive. I started seeing a therapist through my workplace employee assistance program to deal with my mother who was always abusive and still causing me stress. Finally, after 40 years I had decided I had enough and cut off almost all contact with her. My last visit with her was actually very nice as she is being nicer realizing she is cut off otherwise, but also I am not going into the visit stressed - I feel I have bigger issues to deal with. After getting help with my mum, I finally felt I was recovering from a lifetime of abuse and opened my eyes to what was going on with my husband.
I am working on reducing my level of tolerance for abuse, and as my therapist says, I may be doing that faster than my husband can keep up. I am just starting my journey of learning and recovery around addiction - it is not something that I ever dealt with in my family. So, I am slowly developing methods to cope while I try to decide when, not if, I leave. I have no affection left for him, just some compassion for him as a person, so sentiment is not an issue keeping me here. I have concerns about his family's interactions with my son if he leaves as his sister and her husband are drug users and I don't want my son ever left alone with them. I feel I have better control over my son's safety if I stay for now, but we will see how things develop.
I am so peeved that he would say I need to change a lot and be nicer. The nerve!
This is the first I had heard of Antabuse. He must have been doing research. It sounded to me like he wanted to take it to show me I am wrong about him drinking. Even if he took it for 6 months, without doing the work required to pursue sobriety and admitting there is a problem, I still wouldn't trust him.
I have no idea how long I will tolerate this. He is being a good parent to our son now for the first time since he was a baby - keeping in mind that driving drunk with him in the car makes this statement seem naive. I started seeing a therapist through my workplace employee assistance program to deal with my mother who was always abusive and still causing me stress. Finally, after 40 years I had decided I had enough and cut off almost all contact with her. My last visit with her was actually very nice as she is being nicer realizing she is cut off otherwise, but also I am not going into the visit stressed - I feel I have bigger issues to deal with. After getting help with my mum, I finally felt I was recovering from a lifetime of abuse and opened my eyes to what was going on with my husband.
I am working on reducing my level of tolerance for abuse, and as my therapist says, I may be doing that faster than my husband can keep up. I am just starting my journey of learning and recovery around addiction - it is not something that I ever dealt with in my family. So, I am slowly developing methods to cope while I try to decide when, not if, I leave. I have no affection left for him, just some compassion for him as a person, so sentiment is not an issue keeping me here. I have concerns about his family's interactions with my son if he leaves as his sister and her husband are drug users and I don't want my son ever left alone with them. I feel I have better control over my son's safety if I stay for now, but we will see how things develop.
I am so peeved that he would say I need to change a lot and be nicer. The nerve!
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
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Lucy, you have the patience of a saint and I'm glad you are drawing boundaries and getting help for yourself.
Agree with the others - NO driving your son anywhere!
Plus, he's going to have to man up and want this; you can't do it for him.
When I was married, I also lied, got angry and deflected blame when confronted. Ugly behaviour I'm not proud of now but at the time, my drinking was more important than my marriage.
You should be able to get more perspectives on the F & F forum. I hope your husband gets the help he needs.
Agree with the others - NO driving your son anywhere!
Plus, he's going to have to man up and want this; you can't do it for him.
When I was married, I also lied, got angry and deflected blame when confronted. Ugly behaviour I'm not proud of now but at the time, my drinking was more important than my marriage.
You should be able to get more perspectives on the F & F forum. I hope your husband gets the help he needs.
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Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 8,637
Originally Posted by doggonecarl 
Stick to your boundries. And don't let your son ride with his dad.
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
since you now never have a real idea when or how much he may be drinking - I'd make that boundary NO riding with Dad until sobriety is firmly established.
Also - YOU DON'T NEED TO START BEING NICER. I want you to know that none of this is "your fault". Are there ways that you have enabled or possibly contributed to the situation? Well, probably. In any relationship there are dynamics. But you need to know and deserve to hear; no matter what your contributions, his alcoholism is not your fault. It's not his fault. It is a condition. If he sobers up and commits to a sober life, he'll one day realize that and he will probably also see how terribly hurtful and crappy it was to turn on you and start listing things YOU need to change. That is his own wounds talking. That is his diseased mind talking.
You need to look out for YOU and for your son. In reading your post, it is clear you have tolerated and supported far too much already.
I hope that you will find support here and in your 'real' life with other humans day to day who understand and can help affirm your boundaries and bolster your strength.
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Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Gulf Coast, USA
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Originally Posted by doggonecarl
Stick to your boundries. And don't let your son ride with his dad.
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
We have an active Friends and Family forum:
Friends and Family of Alcoholics - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
For 21 years I hid bottles, drove drunk, lied to myself, lied to my family, lied to everyone because drinking seemed more important to me than anything else at the time. I couldn't have been more wrong or selfish!
You can't make the decision for him, but you can set boundaries for the safety of yourself and your son. You need to decide what the consequences will be if / when your husband crosses those boundaries. Stick to those consequences.
For many / most of us here at SR, battling this addiction has been and continues to be the toughest battle of our lives. You can only control you... be in control of what you can be for you and your son. If your husband chooses drinking over his family then that is HIS choice, but at least you and your son will be safe.
Best of luck, tons of support here for both you and your husband if he chooses.
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