Wishful04

I have been reading this board for almost two years. Cannot thank you all enough for your posts. Yet I am still here.still lost. still hurting. still so angry and sad and afraid..and honestly hating myself for having let this carry on for so long.

I read so much about detaching with love. Attending Narannon and Alanon and finding no answers. Going to counseling. Reading anything and everything I can get my hands on .... all to no avail. The more I try to enforce my boundaries ..the worse things get.

My addicted loved one and I first met in our teens. We lost touch and he came back into my world with his games via Facebook and then because apparently I am an easy mark in full in January 2013. since then my life has been turned upside down. Hindsight really is 20/20. How did I let this happen?

It is so humiliating to realize here we are almost 2 year later discussing all the same lies...the same omissions, betrayals, infidelities, deceptions, empty broken promises, affairs.....

I have tried attending meetings and counseling, reading and really anything I could to no avail. I am still at fault. the scape goat, the ****** girlfriend, the enabler.... In one breath I didn't cause it, cant control/cure it...in the next i am the "reason" (read excuse or justification) for the latest "relapse". everything I read eventually turns around to what the non addict can do for the addict. I am supposed to make it "safe" according to the counselor for him to come to me when he wants to....

I'm supposed to just "get over it" or move on, because its been OMG 3 days or a week since the last betrayal omission, lie , deception, fraud, theft, infidelity... well at least the ones that I've had the energy to battle to the light of day....

I struggle with how to "detach with love", how to enforce boundaries... how to really let go...

Because I am tired...beyond tired really.... of the games, the lies, the abuse, the manipulations, the cheating, the deception.....the omissions, the illegal and immoral lifestyle. What is wrong with me that I have allowed this into my life? To impact my girls?

I've tried to own my own part in all this. The co-dependant, the enabler.
everything I read leads to how to do this or that or not do this or that for the addict. or how to support the addict. Every counsellor falls for his victim poor me, how can he feel "safe" enough shtick...Yet at the same time I have also enforced my boundaries and refused to just accept the words without challenging the actions not matching. Apparently I should be more this, or do more of that...never mind the bottom line is if he just didn't use or lie or cheat.... but he gets a free pass as an addict. (and yes I know its only because I bought into that).

I've read post after post and yet here I am almost 2 years later listening to the same bs..when really he is showing me who he really is. So how do I become ok with cutting all contact? How does one stop hoping? How do I explain that x is because of the addiction but y is really just y.

How does one get over the anger and rage? the bitterness? How does one detach with love? How does one stop, really stop the unhealthy patterns?

Is it truly a matter of stay away from me until there is six months or a year in active recovery?

Paid for his "rehab" in March...here we are in October with the last coke/crack binge just "recent" history. Here we are with me being told "just recently" did he realize he loved me... of course "this job" "next" payday...eventually maybe one day....all the empty promises..and of course I am the bitch/nag or at fault somehow for "living in the past"...

How did I get here? how do i just accept that I have been played for a fool?
how does one stop wishing and hoping? stop caring? investing in the 2 steps forward not the 18 steps back? stop being manipulated because OMG I stopped being the "perfect" girlfriend in light of dealing with a active addict for the past 2 years?



I am not a victim. I am not to blame for the addiction. I am to blame for allowing myself and my girls to be impacted by this garbage for two years....but logic and heart are so at odds. I knowingly tried to deal the best way I knew how each step of the way..

and yet even to this day I am supposed to be the paragon of virtue while the addict gets a free pass on any and every human decency?

Yes I am sorry I am angry and bitter and resentful. How is one not supposed to be? How can one keep forgiving having the person we love looking us in the eye and lying straight up or offering another empty apology? when is enough become truly enough and how does one find the courage to simply detach? fully, finally, and completely?

Vale

>>>>when is enough become truly enough and how does one find the courage to simply detach? fully, finally, and completely?>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>

I detached, totally and completely. I wouldn't call it courage---I would call it a mirror.

I looked at a mirror. Saw the person looking back, and said......"You're a nice person,
you've got a lot of terrific friends, a fantastic family, and have accomplished a great deal
of difficult things in this life------AND YOU DO NOT DESERVE TO BE TREATED LIKE THIS!

I even formed a shorthand to help me; IWNPMOR; "I will not perpetuate my own rape!"
I'd yell it out loud phonetically........"India! Whiskey! November! Papa! Mike! Oscar!
Romeo!" ----I reprogrammed my simple mind and devised simple rewards to reinforce
the new habit patterns.

It's HARD WORK, but ALOT easier than life as an addict's tool.

Txhelp

I hear your struggle. The healing begins to take place when you let go. You mention being his safe place. That is his job. You find your safe place for you and the girls. Set up clear boundaries and stick to them. Where does 2 years go?? How do you want the next 2 years to look like?

hopeful4

Let go or be dragged.

You don't have any choice in how he treats you or anyone else. You cannot control his actions. How much of your counseling is focused on YOU, your wants, your needs, your dreams? What YOU deserve out of life, which I promise is so much more.

Of course it gets worse when you enforce boundaries. Addicts HATE boundaries. Those boundaries are for you, and your sanity.

Only you can decide when enough is enough. You have indicated you have girls. Your actions will show them what is acceptable in their lives as they grow up and meet men. They also deserve more.

I cannot tell you to stay. I cannot tell you to go. I can tell you that you, like every person, deserve to be treated with respect, kindness, faithfulness, love, and financial responsibility. If a person is not treating you in that manner, YOU DESERVE MORE.

I am sorry you are hurting. We are here for you!

Newbegin55

I feel your pain. I wish you the best. Let go..

Newbegin55

I feel every word you wrote. I have also been the only one doing all the work. Going to alanon. GooglING everything I can find about every subject from how to forgive an alcoholic to how to let go to how to support them. Even mental abuse. It all applies. Yet we still love them. I finally just realized I'm the only one doing the work. My pain doesn't matter. The lies, manipulation, bad decisions, drinking. ..it all stays the same. I can't Pray anymore for him to be "full." I realize I am full and it's time to walk away and find peace. We can't expect a man who doesn't love himself to love us. Wish me luck and good luck to you. Xo

zoso77

Wishful...

I'm about to be quite direct with you. Take what you like and leave the rest.

You have a choice in all of this. You have always had choices. And your choices have led to the feelings of resentment that I've quoted above. Don't get me wrong, I understand completely why you would feel that way.

But here's the thing. You're expecting an addict to play by the same rules as you. And now you have two years of anecdotal evidence that strongly suggests that isn't going to happen. Addicts don't play by the rules. They break the rules, and they give you the bird while they do and ask you what your f**king problem is.

Is that how you want to live, Wishful?

You want to learn how to detach? By detaching. By making a different choice. Not the choices that have led you to where you are. What are you afraid of? Do you want to be here in another two years, lamenting the fact he hasn't changed?

Why would he change, Wishful? He pulls the same sh*t time after time, and you just take it.

You can bail out any time you want, and you have chosen not to. Make a different choice, and take your life back.

I apologize for my bluntness. Usually I'm not this brutal. But for God sakes, Wishful, take charge of your life.

chicory

Wishful,
I am appalled at any counselor who would imply that 'you' are to blame for any of your addicts choices. I would kick to the curb any counselor who made you feel you were not doing enough to keep him from using.

If you want things to change, you will have to do something different. You have done enough to see that it isn't working.

As my grandma always said,'You can't make a silk purse out of a pigs ear'.

Your girls will learn how to be a rug if you let someone treat you as one. Show them instead , how to be strong, and how to love their own precious selves.

You seem to be beating your head against a wall here, dear. Its gonna hurt.
you deserve more. and I say yes, on staying away until he has a year straight... good idea... and if you do that, I hope you take that opportunity to find happiness and maybe someone who is interested in a real relationship and not drugs.

Time will tell , they say. Two years-what have they told you?

take care of you.

fairlyuncertain

What criticism does is make you question yourself. And once you doubt yourself, he can act super confident in his own righteousness, confuse the issue even more, and in your worry, insecurity and confusion, he gets another day of what he needs.

Or at least, that's how it happened to me. I set some internal boundaries that I never told him. "I won't share my feelings with someone who will try to break me down." "I am uncomfortable living with active alcoholism."

When I detached, I did it really slowly too, and yet so many of my hysterical worries came true. I WAS called names, rejected, cast aside by him and his family, he threatened me and tried to turn the kids against me. And when each of my fears came true, I felt RELIEF!!! "Is THIS what I was so worried about, that I tolerated abuse, blame and constant criticism all these years? HECK, compared to living with addiction, this is NOTHING!

Yes, if you walk away, he'll probably have the mother of all temper tantrums. You probably have a good sense of what might happen. IF you feel like it might get unsafe, you are probably right. Get advice from a domestic violence hotline or support group. The sense of peace that comes, though, it is so worth it.

Wishful04

Thank you all. Each an every reply resonates in some way.

I am rapidly tiring of the journey and slowly preparing myself for the next chapter in life.

To clarify the counselor referenced was our `couples`counselor. She figured its better to approach things more softly and then say what is required or requested. My personal counselor has a much different way of interacting with me. I think honestly as was referenced above my resentment or anger is more at myself then at the addict because like we all know it has been my choices that have gotten me to this point as those are the only things in my control.

I am working on making different choices.

MLH2282

The question of when to give up hoping is one I have struggled with for years. I m n optimist. I try to see the good in people, but I realized that no amount of good justifies lying, cheating, stealing, or destroying. It's hard to detach. I've tried detaching several times, and end up choosing to return to the chaos. Recently, my EXABF's conduct hit a new low. I think this may be my breaking point. Everyone learns at their own pace, and sometimes I worry I will never learn, but the more I focus my energy on bettering myself, the more I feel like this may be the final straw.

Don't beat yourself up for the choices you made in the past, you can't change them, but you can try to make different choices in the future.