My intro
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2013
Posts: 4
My intro
My adult son is an oxi addict and lives in NYC, 400 miles away from us. He currently has a good job but is struggling with his addiction. He has managed to alienate himself from all his friends, he's almost maxed out his credit card, recently got kicked out by his room mates and now lives in a place he hates. He was with a therapist for some 4 months, unfortunately the therapist took a job in another state. My son has been taking Vivitrol on and off to fight this addiction. The problem is, however, when it is time for the next shot he can't seem to make the appointment and relapses.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery. We've been to Na_Anon, and seen a counselor. Both of us can't accept the advice we keep getting to practice tough love. We feel that our love for him and his for us that has so far kept him from going over the edge, but the edge seems to be getting nearer daily. We are now looking into SmartRecovery which seems to emphasize the family is in intricate part to recovery. We are also now reading the book Beyond Addiction which seems to have a lot of good advice. We are trying not to enable his behavior/addiction other than letting him know we will finance his recovery by professionals and letting him know we are always available when he need to talk and get support. Still SmartRecovery is a bit odd to us and we are finding it hard to understand and put into use. Is this normal? I would really love to hear from some of you that were as baffled as us. Thanks.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery. We've been to Na_Anon, and seen a counselor. Both of us can't accept the advice we keep getting to practice tough love. We feel that our love for him and his for us that has so far kept him from going over the edge, but the edge seems to be getting nearer daily. We are now looking into SmartRecovery which seems to emphasize the family is in intricate part to recovery. We are also now reading the book Beyond Addiction which seems to have a lot of good advice. We are trying not to enable his behavior/addiction other than letting him know we will finance his recovery by professionals and letting him know we are always available when he need to talk and get support. Still SmartRecovery is a bit odd to us and we are finding it hard to understand and put into use. Is this normal? I would really love to hear from some of you that were as baffled as us. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Hi buckowen, I am sorry your family is going through this. You'll get more feedback from people who have experience in the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers subforum:
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you can get your son the help he needs.
Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information
I hope you can get your son the help he needs.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,505
Hi and Welcome,
I'm sorry for the situation with your son and I understand your pain.
Does your son want to stop using drugs? It really is important to understand that he will need to have the motivation to want to stop before it will work. Has he looked into recovery programs for himself?
I hope that you and your wife will continue to find support for yourself at NarAnon and here in our Friends & Families forum.
I'm sorry for the situation with your son and I understand your pain.
Does your son want to stop using drugs? It really is important to understand that he will need to have the motivation to want to stop before it will work. Has he looked into recovery programs for himself?
I hope that you and your wife will continue to find support for yourself at NarAnon and here in our Friends & Families forum.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hi, Buckowen. I have some experience being in the parent role with a couple of young men struggling with opiate addiction, and I can tell you that I hate the term “tough love” and all that it suggests. Here is the miserable truth that I imagine you have already discovered – you cannot control his addiction or choices about recovery. At all. Period. Your actions MIGHT influence him, a bit, but if they do, it is only because those actions are happening at just the right time, aligning with other things/events in his life, and coinciding with feelings and thoughts going on inside him that all gel at just the right moment to make him say, yeah, I’m really ready. Or not. There is no possible way that you can control this or know just what to do or say at just the right time.
Practicing “tough love” is just another attempt at controlling your son and what he does with his addiction, based on the idea that he has to hit “rock bottom” (accumulate negative consequences) in order to get serious about recovery. Many addicts will tell you that the latter idea is true, but YOU cannot be THE ONE to create these negative consequences for him. It is far too destructive to you to put yourself in that position, and there is no telling whether what you do or don’t do will have any effect anyway. Addiction is an extremely individual disease. There are some common traits and behaviors, sure, but every addict and every family/relationship dynamic is different. What may work for one won’t work for another … or it may.
It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things already. You are reading everything you can to become more educated about the disease, and you are using that knowledge to offer suggests and alternatives to your son. You are lovingly offering support for treatment, if he wants it. You are trying, as best you can, to draw the line between helpful support and harmful enabling. It is not an easy line to draw because addicts lie – it’s part of the disease, and with your son being 400 miles away, it is hard to tell if he is being truthful or not. While the Alanon/Naranon philosophy is often misinterpreted (in my opinion) to counsel “tough love”, what it really counsels is that you take care of yourself. Addiction in someone you love can suck you in and tear you apart, destroying your life even as it destroys the life of the addict. At some point, you may need to distance yourself in order to save yourself, because addiction is like a California wildfire, swallowing up all in its path. This is not “tough love” – it’s self-preservation.
I hope this is helpful. I know what you are going through, and it is a nightmare. Wishing you the best as you travel this very difficult path.
Practicing “tough love” is just another attempt at controlling your son and what he does with his addiction, based on the idea that he has to hit “rock bottom” (accumulate negative consequences) in order to get serious about recovery. Many addicts will tell you that the latter idea is true, but YOU cannot be THE ONE to create these negative consequences for him. It is far too destructive to you to put yourself in that position, and there is no telling whether what you do or don’t do will have any effect anyway. Addiction is an extremely individual disease. There are some common traits and behaviors, sure, but every addict and every family/relationship dynamic is different. What may work for one won’t work for another … or it may.
It sounds to me like you are doing all the right things already. You are reading everything you can to become more educated about the disease, and you are using that knowledge to offer suggests and alternatives to your son. You are lovingly offering support for treatment, if he wants it. You are trying, as best you can, to draw the line between helpful support and harmful enabling. It is not an easy line to draw because addicts lie – it’s part of the disease, and with your son being 400 miles away, it is hard to tell if he is being truthful or not. While the Alanon/Naranon philosophy is often misinterpreted (in my opinion) to counsel “tough love”, what it really counsels is that you take care of yourself. Addiction in someone you love can suck you in and tear you apart, destroying your life even as it destroys the life of the addict. At some point, you may need to distance yourself in order to save yourself, because addiction is like a California wildfire, swallowing up all in its path. This is not “tough love” – it’s self-preservation.
I hope this is helpful. I know what you are going through, and it is a nightmare. Wishing you the best as you travel this very difficult path.
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