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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Tampa
Posts: 5
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I just broke up with my boyfriend. I am pretty sure he had a drinking problem, and that's why it ended. We had a really great relationship. He always drank, but I never saw it as a problem in our relationship until this past summer. Around that time, we moved in together and bought a car together (both his ideas). He stopped smoking marijuana in July. It was his decision to do so, and I supported him through it. It seems like that is around the time the drinking really amped up. He warned me when he quit smoking that he would probably have to drink more temporarily as his body got used to not smoking. I honestly believed it would be temporary.
He started drinking alone while I was at work. I would come home to find him passed out. Drinking also became a daily thing. It is normal for him to drink one or two bottles of wine on a week night. The weekends are even crazier. Over the summer, I was travelling a lot for work and working weekends. He used this as an excuse to drink, and I felt guilty for leaving him alone in a city where he didn't have a lot of friends. I let it slide.
He also gets mean when he drinks. I know I have been verbally and emotionally abused. I went from being the most awesome girl he had ever met to being someone who he claimed was too chubby (I'm 5'6and 123 pounds) and not successful enough (I am a teacher and I don't make a lot of money). He would tell me he was drinking because he was so unhappy with me and my lack of ambition. When I got an amazing new job, he couldn't even be happy for me. He would spend his entire weekend drinking on the sofa, and than start a fight with me about not cleaning the house when I got home from work. Really ilogical stuff.
When he drinks, all affection and sex disappear from our relationship. I would try, but he couldn't preform. He once told me it was because he wasn't attracted to me. All of this would happen when he drank, and he would be very, very sorry then next day when sober. He would say he didn't remember what happened, it was the alcohol not him, and he loved me and was sorry. I left a few times, but I would always forgive because I loved the sober version of him. As the summer progressed, I saw that sober guy less and less.
He has kept me up all night with his drunken insanity. I have had to call out sick from work because I'm on no sleep. He has disappeared on me and called me the next day saying his car wouldn't start. He thought he was in the city where we live, but he was actually 2 hrs away. I had to go and get him. He drives drunk all the time and blacks out. He claims he is really good at it. When I drive, he openly drinks beer in the car even though he knows I'm uncomfortable with it. Whenever stuff like this happens, he would be very sorry and usually not drink for a few days. Then, he would go right back to it. He has`said he drinks too much, that he needs to stop, and that he should go to AA, but nothing ever comes of it. I know he is ashamed about how much he drinks. His mother was an alcoholic, and he does no want to be like her.
Labor day was the last straw. We were supposed to spend the weekend with my family, and he woke me up at 7am that Saturday very drunk saying he wasn't going to go. He actually told me that morning that he didn't want to see my mom. He said she was a b**ch and an alcoholic. Neither of these were true. My mom and whole family really adore him. I had to explain to my family why he wasn't there and wound up confessing everything to my mom. Before then, I had kept his drinking a secret. I sent him a text saying we need to talk about his drinking, and he needed to be sober when I got home that Monday. When I got home, the front door was wide open and he was nowhere to be found. He came home late that night reeking of liquor. The next day he sent me a text saying he was going to be sober that day and we would talk. When I tried to talk, he got defensive saying he drinks too much, but it was because he was so unhappy. We never did have a real conversation about it. I moved into the spare room because I didn't have enough money to leave. I was just too emotionally spent to try anymore. It was a very confusing time because on one hand I knew I was done with him, but on the other hand I was still spending time with him and enjoying his company. He was still drinking, but not to the point of being mean. He was friendly toward me and helped me out with a few things. He would disappear every weekend to I don't know where. That was hard. We spent over a month like this. Finally it got too hard and I packed a bag and went to a friends house.
This past week I rented my own apartment. I went yesterday to get my things from his house. He wasn't there, but there was evidence of another woman. That made me feel awful. I kept thinking the problem was his drinking. That he loved me, but the drinking was getting in the way of our relationship. This crazy part of me wants to hear all of those awful things he said to me and wants to believe that I was the problem and, I wasn't enough. I think I was a pretty great girlfriend, and I tried. How can he be starting a relationship with someone else? We had no sex or affection toward the end even though I would try. I always thought the alcohol was to blame, but how can he be with someone else if that was the case? I'm a wreck. I need some support. Sorry for the book I wrote.c
He started drinking alone while I was at work. I would come home to find him passed out. Drinking also became a daily thing. It is normal for him to drink one or two bottles of wine on a week night. The weekends are even crazier. Over the summer, I was travelling a lot for work and working weekends. He used this as an excuse to drink, and I felt guilty for leaving him alone in a city where he didn't have a lot of friends. I let it slide.
He also gets mean when he drinks. I know I have been verbally and emotionally abused. I went from being the most awesome girl he had ever met to being someone who he claimed was too chubby (I'm 5'6and 123 pounds) and not successful enough (I am a teacher and I don't make a lot of money). He would tell me he was drinking because he was so unhappy with me and my lack of ambition. When I got an amazing new job, he couldn't even be happy for me. He would spend his entire weekend drinking on the sofa, and than start a fight with me about not cleaning the house when I got home from work. Really ilogical stuff.
When he drinks, all affection and sex disappear from our relationship. I would try, but he couldn't preform. He once told me it was because he wasn't attracted to me. All of this would happen when he drank, and he would be very, very sorry then next day when sober. He would say he didn't remember what happened, it was the alcohol not him, and he loved me and was sorry. I left a few times, but I would always forgive because I loved the sober version of him. As the summer progressed, I saw that sober guy less and less.
He has kept me up all night with his drunken insanity. I have had to call out sick from work because I'm on no sleep. He has disappeared on me and called me the next day saying his car wouldn't start. He thought he was in the city where we live, but he was actually 2 hrs away. I had to go and get him. He drives drunk all the time and blacks out. He claims he is really good at it. When I drive, he openly drinks beer in the car even though he knows I'm uncomfortable with it. Whenever stuff like this happens, he would be very sorry and usually not drink for a few days. Then, he would go right back to it. He has`said he drinks too much, that he needs to stop, and that he should go to AA, but nothing ever comes of it. I know he is ashamed about how much he drinks. His mother was an alcoholic, and he does no want to be like her.
Labor day was the last straw. We were supposed to spend the weekend with my family, and he woke me up at 7am that Saturday very drunk saying he wasn't going to go. He actually told me that morning that he didn't want to see my mom. He said she was a b**ch and an alcoholic. Neither of these were true. My mom and whole family really adore him. I had to explain to my family why he wasn't there and wound up confessing everything to my mom. Before then, I had kept his drinking a secret. I sent him a text saying we need to talk about his drinking, and he needed to be sober when I got home that Monday. When I got home, the front door was wide open and he was nowhere to be found. He came home late that night reeking of liquor. The next day he sent me a text saying he was going to be sober that day and we would talk. When I tried to talk, he got defensive saying he drinks too much, but it was because he was so unhappy. We never did have a real conversation about it. I moved into the spare room because I didn't have enough money to leave. I was just too emotionally spent to try anymore. It was a very confusing time because on one hand I knew I was done with him, but on the other hand I was still spending time with him and enjoying his company. He was still drinking, but not to the point of being mean. He was friendly toward me and helped me out with a few things. He would disappear every weekend to I don't know where. That was hard. We spent over a month like this. Finally it got too hard and I packed a bag and went to a friends house.
This past week I rented my own apartment. I went yesterday to get my things from his house. He wasn't there, but there was evidence of another woman. That made me feel awful. I kept thinking the problem was his drinking. That he loved me, but the drinking was getting in the way of our relationship. This crazy part of me wants to hear all of those awful things he said to me and wants to believe that I was the problem and, I wasn't enough. I think I was a pretty great girlfriend, and I tried. How can he be starting a relationship with someone else? We had no sex or affection toward the end even though I would try. I always thought the alcohol was to blame, but how can he be with someone else if that was the case? I'm a wreck. I need some support. Sorry for the book I wrote.c
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Hi and welcome. It is pretty common for addicts/alcoholics to replace one addiction (alcohol with pot or vice verse) with another when they are not ready for true sobriety.
You probably were a great girlfriend, better than he really deserved. The fact is that alcoholics and addicts need caretakers, and finding a "replacement enabler" almost immediately is also very common behavior. My ex did the same after his parents got tired of taking care of him after I left.
I kept thinking the problem was his drinking. That he loved me, but the drinking was getting in the way of our relationship. This crazy part of me wants to hear all of those awful things he said to me and wants to believe that I was the problem and, I wasn't enough.
Not crazy at all, because if you were the problem then all you have to do is change what he doesn't like so that he can be happy enough to stop drinking and then you can have the terrific relationship you know this has the potential to be.
I tried everything to make my ex happy enough to stop drinking, because there were always so many outside factors that he blamed.
The truth was he drank because he is addicted to alcohol, not because I woke him up from a nap or bought the wrong kind of mouthwash or shut off the bedroom light before he came upstairs or any of the other "reasons" he used to give me.
Good for you for finding the strength to get away from his toxic behavior. That's not easy, especially after you've tied yourself in knots trying to make things work.
If you can, consider going no contact with him. Being "friends" with the ex is a nice, civilized notion that just leads to more suffering, especially when the ex is an active alcoholic. Would you tolerate that kind of behavior from any other "friend" in your life?
Lastly, what's up with the car? That is a concern, especially if he is driving drunk and your name is on the title as a joint owner. You can potentially be held liable for any damage he causes.
Big hugs to you.
You probably were a great girlfriend, better than he really deserved. The fact is that alcoholics and addicts need caretakers, and finding a "replacement enabler" almost immediately is also very common behavior. My ex did the same after his parents got tired of taking care of him after I left.
I kept thinking the problem was his drinking. That he loved me, but the drinking was getting in the way of our relationship. This crazy part of me wants to hear all of those awful things he said to me and wants to believe that I was the problem and, I wasn't enough.
Not crazy at all, because if you were the problem then all you have to do is change what he doesn't like so that he can be happy enough to stop drinking and then you can have the terrific relationship you know this has the potential to be.
I tried everything to make my ex happy enough to stop drinking, because there were always so many outside factors that he blamed.
The truth was he drank because he is addicted to alcohol, not because I woke him up from a nap or bought the wrong kind of mouthwash or shut off the bedroom light before he came upstairs or any of the other "reasons" he used to give me.
Good for you for finding the strength to get away from his toxic behavior. That's not easy, especially after you've tied yourself in knots trying to make things work.
If you can, consider going no contact with him. Being "friends" with the ex is a nice, civilized notion that just leads to more suffering, especially when the ex is an active alcoholic. Would you tolerate that kind of behavior from any other "friend" in your life?
Lastly, what's up with the car? That is a concern, especially if he is driving drunk and your name is on the title as a joint owner. You can potentially be held liable for any damage he causes.
Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Chicago
Posts: 5,450
I know this is so impossible to believe right now but your ex-boyfriend did all of those things because he is an addict and it literally has nor had anything to do with you. Things were "great" until the motion forward in your relationship began to impinge on his drinking. Now that you are gone he has simply found someone else who isn't getting in between him and the drinking -- he has not suddenly been cured or changed by another miracle woman who is doing everything right. He has simply moved on to another victim.
Sending you strength and hugs and the courage to accept that you could not change him, you can only change yourself. Welcome to SR, we're very glad you're here.
Sending you strength and hugs and the courage to accept that you could not change him, you can only change yourself. Welcome to SR, we're very glad you're here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I hope you know that you made the right decision and that none of this is your fault. That is what they want us to think, because heaven forbid they should take any responsibility for being the crazy one.
The new woman is going to get the same guy - he isn't suddenly a "good catch." He's an abusive alcoholic. Not really a prize to fight over. There are lots more where he came from.
The new woman is going to get the same guy - he isn't suddenly a "good catch." He's an abusive alcoholic. Not really a prize to fight over. There are lots more where he came from.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: State of Clarity
Posts: 82
Originally Posted by JuniperRose 
All of this would happen when he drank, and he would be very, very sorry then next day when sober. He would say he didn't remember what happened, it was the alcohol not him, and he loved me and was sorry. I left a few times, but I would always forgive because I loved the sober version of him.
Hi Juniper, and welcome. You're getting great advice here, and I just wanted to add to it a little... especially addressing this part above. When I first came here, I said it was like my (now) XH was a different person completely when he was out of control drunk. The members here made me see that he isn't a different person drunk, it's still him, it's a part of him. The good, bad and ugly are all wrapped up in that one person.
Sounds like you're doing the right thing for sure. He is an alcoholic, and he is abusive. Take care of yourself first; you deserve so much more.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Tampa
Posts: 5
Hi everyone.
Honestly, the car is a constant source of worry for me. I still have it and use it. The payments come directly out of my bank account. However, I can't afford to make them much longer with my new rent payment. I have been taking baby steps. Leaving him and the new apartment were the first two. Now I need to figure out the car. I would love to sell it, but we owe more than what it is worth. I don't want him to have it while my name is on the title because of his recklessness. He makes a lot more than me. I know he could easily pay it off in a few months and get my name off the title. However I don't know if he is willing to do that. That's my last mountain to climb.
My goal is to go no contact. I have no desire to know what he is getting up to. However with the logistics of the move, transfering utilities, and now this car situation, it hasn't been entirely possible.
This whole breakup has been difficult. I think he did such a number on my self esteem that I have been questioning myself a lot. I was even questioning a few weeks ago if he even had a drinking problem at all. I thank all of you for your responses. You have no idea how much you have helped me today.
Honestly, the car is a constant source of worry for me. I still have it and use it. The payments come directly out of my bank account. However, I can't afford to make them much longer with my new rent payment. I have been taking baby steps. Leaving him and the new apartment were the first two. Now I need to figure out the car. I would love to sell it, but we owe more than what it is worth. I don't want him to have it while my name is on the title because of his recklessness. He makes a lot more than me. I know he could easily pay it off in a few months and get my name off the title. However I don't know if he is willing to do that. That's my last mountain to climb.
My goal is to go no contact. I have no desire to know what he is getting up to. However with the logistics of the move, transfering utilities, and now this car situation, it hasn't been entirely possible.
This whole breakup has been difficult. I think he did such a number on my self esteem that I have been questioning myself a lot. I was even questioning a few weeks ago if he even had a drinking problem at all. I thank all of you for your responses. You have no idea how much you have helped me today.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
JuniperRose, so glad you've found some help here already. It's amazing what a little validation can do for us, isn't it? I just felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders--"Wow, you mean drinking and lying about it and withdrawing money from our joint account w/o telling me--FOR 18 G*D* YEARS--really IS unacceptable? Well, I guess it's NOT just me, then..."
I hope you can take some time and read, read, read here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you can learn about alcoholism, how it has affected you, and how to avoid finding yourself in the same situation in the future, the better off you'll be.
I wish you strength and clarity, as well as good luck in getting the problem of the car solved!
I hope you can take some time and read, read, read here. Don't miss the stickies at the top of the page. The more you can learn about alcoholism, how it has affected you, and how to avoid finding yourself in the same situation in the future, the better off you'll be.
I wish you strength and clarity, as well as good luck in getting the problem of the car solved!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
JR, Welcome and I am sorry that you are here.
You are an amazing women to have done what you have done in such a short time. It has taken me 34 years to finally separate from my husband. I am so proud of you for taking charge of your life. You need to educate yourself about this disease, because you will have good days and bad. He will be angry and it when you **** off an A all hell goes flying. You need to be strong and do what you need to do.
You don't need to make any quick decision right now. Don't worry about the car for right now. As long as some payment was made then you have time before it can be repossessed. Stay strong, stick with the NC (no contact) so he can't intimidate you and work you down.
I wouldn't worry about the other women. I am sure she is an A and neither of them could have sex. You have been with him a while, you know what he can do. So don't worry about that. Stay strong, work a program and keep reading SR and you will learn.
Good luck JR!!
You are an amazing women to have done what you have done in such a short time. It has taken me 34 years to finally separate from my husband. I am so proud of you for taking charge of your life. You need to educate yourself about this disease, because you will have good days and bad. He will be angry and it when you **** off an A all hell goes flying. You need to be strong and do what you need to do.
You don't need to make any quick decision right now. Don't worry about the car for right now. As long as some payment was made then you have time before it can be repossessed. Stay strong, stick with the NC (no contact) so he can't intimidate you and work you down.
I wouldn't worry about the other women. I am sure she is an A and neither of them could have sex. You have been with him a while, you know what he can do. So don't worry about that. Stay strong, work a program and keep reading SR and you will learn.
Good luck JR!!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 982
Good for you for leaving 
I'm new here too, and relate to much of what you said... All of our stories have a lot of similarities, I'm learning. I don't have much wisdom to offer yet, but just know you are not alone, and you have definitely done the right thing! It is SO hard, but stay strong.
I'm new here too, and relate to much of what you said... All of our stories have a lot of similarities, I'm learning. I don't have much wisdom to offer yet, but just know you are not alone, and you have definitely done the right thing! It is SO hard, but stay strong.
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