unease7

Ah husband told me during one of our most recent arguments that some days I were more clothes to bed than I do to work. This is a complete lie and nothing could be further from the truth, I work in the business office of a hospital and am required to dress very professional he also told me one morning before I left that he was going to have to get me some more skirts LONGER ones (the skirt I had on came past my knees) I feel like we have been married to long to be dealing with this kinda stuff it seems very childish and as I have told him it feels disrespectful and insulting for my husband to say things and treat me like this. I know it comes from his insecurtity but why does he want me to suffer ? why does it feel like he wants to hurt me on purpose? and the sarcasim he makes these sarcastic remarks about everything and if I say anything its oh cant you take a joke why are you so serious all the time?

SparkleKitty

Hurting people hurt people. It's what they do. I suspect you know that there isn't a lot to gain from taking these silly comments personally. Instead of asking why he wants you to suffer, you might ask why you are putting up with someone who treats you with so little respect or concern.

lillamy

Babe, everything you say about this man spells control, control, control. If you abide by his wishes here, he'll find something else to control.

unease7

I think for so long I didnt talk about any of this with anyone, and there was a time when he and I were each others best friends and we could talk about anything.Im having a hard time excepting that he is not the same person anymore and sometimes I need to hear another persons opinion things he says or strange things he does.I dont really have anyone to talk to .

SparkleKitty

You have us!

Acceptance is really really hard, especially when you have maybe been isolated for a long time with someone who undermines your faith in yourself. But you really don't have to take everything that comes out of his mouth as gospel. It's literally none of his business what you wear to bed or to work or anywhere else.

unease7

My dad told me recently that its about control that AH is trying to control me thru money, guilt, or even the kids. There really is not a line that he wont cross he did agree with me that we need counseling he says we cant communicate and we need help with that.Im going to make the apt. I dont know what to expect but I dont think it will take very long for a therapist who watches us enteract with each other to see how crazy this is.

SparkleKitty

If you can find a counselor with a background in addiction, please do so.

I've not read much if any testimony that marriage with an active addict has been worth the time. Until the addiction issue is addressed, you're not dealing with an emotionally present or available partner, and counseling thrives only when people can communicate honestly.

unease7

I think thats the whole problem he is not emotionally present, available or honest. This is what causes me to feel uncomfortable and uneasy around him 90% of the time, and it is why I have put up so many walls where he is concerned. I have a very hard time talking to him about feelings or my emotions beacuse that would mean letting him in and I cant trust him enough to do that. When he hurts me emotionaly it take a while for me to build my self back up so Ive learned not to let him in, not to let him get to close.He hates this and tries very hard to make me feel guilty for it but as Ive tried to explain to him this is a consequence of how you have treated me and protecting my emotions and my sanity is not something I can stop doing.

Kboys

My AH makes the same types of comments, and it is infuriating, so I definitely share your confusion and frustration! Like Lillamy said, if it's not this, he will find something else to control.
I changed a lot about myself in order to make AH "happy" earlier in our relationship. Even before his drinking got out of control, this kind of control was his thing, although I didn't see it as "control" in the beginning. At first it seemed to me that it was no big deal, just a little thing that I could change to help him feel more secure, and to avoid an argument, but then there were more "little things" that kept adding up until I realized I was just not the same person I used to be, and I'm really trying to get back to that person now.
I stopped wearing make up shortly after my second son was born. With two babies, I often didn't have the time, or didn't make the time to put on makeup before work, but then on the days that I did, he would always make a comment about it, like "who are you trying to impress today?" "Are you meeting up with your boyfriend today?" So I just stopped wearing it all together. Didn't wear any makeup to work for over a year, and then I realized, this is BS. I mean, it's just makeup, but I definitely feel better about myself when I feel like I look better.
So I ignore his comments now. And it gets easier the more I do it, but it sucks
Stay strong

irisgardens

Thank you for this thread. I so relate to a lot of what is here...and work on ignoring...and also expressing my needs more...which is helping me to take this journey to me being me.

JuniperRose

I can totally relate to what you said. My ex would do the same thing. He was very hung up on the fact that I eat healthy. One day he discovered I had bought a loaf of white bread and I never heard the end of it. He wanted to monitor what kinds of food I ate. At the same period of time he had been binge eating fast food and pizza on an extreme level. He had gained a lot of weight. I think he was projecting on me. He was feeling out of control in his life, and he tried to control me as a result
Another time, I had a job interview I was excited about.They left a message asking to change the time, but I didn't check my voicemail until the next day. I got it all worked out, and I ended up getting the job. However my ex spent the next few days being mad at me for not checking my voicemail. I got the silent treatment. He couldn't be happy for me, and wanted to ruin what should have been a happy moment for me. He was too miserable to let anyone else be happy. I think the people that try to control others do so because they are so unhappy with themselves.