I think it's all to late
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
I think it's all to late
Hi, I am new to this page but desperate for some advice.
My brother has been an alcholic for a number of year's, never really admitting he has a problem. His life took a major u turn shortly after our dad died as he could not accept words were left unspoken. A simple sorry for all the bad could of changed my brothers life. Anyway within a year he was separated from his wife and living with me and my partner.
He was working but soon gave that up due to drink.
It all started to get bad in February 2013. He was taken into hospital and was in for 8 weeks. I gutted his room and found 400 empty bottles of vodka hidden all over his room and he still never admitted he had a problem. He was told that 1 more drink will kill him. He was extremely ill for a good few weeks but pulled through and made so many plans for the future. When he got home he lived up to his plans and was making a go if things.
Sadly it did not last long and drink returned to take over his life.
Fast forward to April this year and another hospital stay. I was his next of kin so was asked to attend a meeting with his doctor. We were told that this is the end and he would be dead within a month. He had 10% liver function, Acute ascites, hepitites due to drink, infections etc. Yet again he pulled through and again all the future plans started. He was going to get a job and his own place.
Now we are here and now. He went back into hospital 2 weeks ago after collapsing. We found him in his room on the floor unable to get up due to his ascites stomach, no upper body strength and out his face on drink and to my horror he has been inhaling lighter gas!
He is home from hospital but is extremely week and disorientated. He is so yellow. So thin and its heartbreaking. It's his birthday today and we got him a tracksuit. He came down the stairs telling me the bottoms don't fit.....He had his hoody on his legs. Sleeves were on his legs. Yes it was funny but it totally ripped my heart out my throat.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am struggling to cope with him but I will never turn my back on him.
I fear it's nearing the end for him or am I just reading to much websites?
I would like to hear your thoughts no matter how hard or negative.
A desperate little sister x
My brother has been an alcholic for a number of year's, never really admitting he has a problem. His life took a major u turn shortly after our dad died as he could not accept words were left unspoken. A simple sorry for all the bad could of changed my brothers life. Anyway within a year he was separated from his wife and living with me and my partner.
He was working but soon gave that up due to drink.
It all started to get bad in February 2013. He was taken into hospital and was in for 8 weeks. I gutted his room and found 400 empty bottles of vodka hidden all over his room and he still never admitted he had a problem. He was told that 1 more drink will kill him. He was extremely ill for a good few weeks but pulled through and made so many plans for the future. When he got home he lived up to his plans and was making a go if things.
Sadly it did not last long and drink returned to take over his life.
Fast forward to April this year and another hospital stay. I was his next of kin so was asked to attend a meeting with his doctor. We were told that this is the end and he would be dead within a month. He had 10% liver function, Acute ascites, hepitites due to drink, infections etc. Yet again he pulled through and again all the future plans started. He was going to get a job and his own place.
Now we are here and now. He went back into hospital 2 weeks ago after collapsing. We found him in his room on the floor unable to get up due to his ascites stomach, no upper body strength and out his face on drink and to my horror he has been inhaling lighter gas!
He is home from hospital but is extremely week and disorientated. He is so yellow. So thin and its heartbreaking. It's his birthday today and we got him a tracksuit. He came down the stairs telling me the bottoms don't fit.....He had his hoody on his legs. Sleeves were on his legs. Yes it was funny but it totally ripped my heart out my throat.
I don't know what to do or where to turn. I am struggling to cope with him but I will never turn my back on him.
I fear it's nearing the end for him or am I just reading to much websites?
I would like to hear your thoughts no matter how hard or negative.
A desperate little sister x
Last edited by Rainbow39; 10-19-2014 at 05:09 AM. Reason: error with title
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Philly burbs, NJ
Posts: 99
He's in end-stage liver failure. Most likely, the only thing that would save him, even if he stopped drinking, is a liver transplant, which he can only get if he's sober for at least six months to a year and the transplant team feels he's a good risk to stay sober.
Encephalopathy (brain damage caused by alcohol) disrupts his thinking and makes it hard for him to figure out how to put clothing on I remember my husband putting him shoes on the wrong feet. It's heartbreaking.
All you can do is be there for him, to the extent that you can manage. Encephalopathy, ascites and jaundice are signs of irreversible liver damage. Hugs to you.
Encephalopathy (brain damage caused by alcohol) disrupts his thinking and makes it hard for him to figure out how to put clothing on I remember my husband putting him shoes on the wrong feet. It's heartbreaking.
All you can do is be there for him, to the extent that you can manage. Encephalopathy, ascites and jaundice are signs of irreversible liver damage. Hugs to you.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Hi Rainbow, how heartbreaking for you to watch him slowly kill himself. He's had many chances and has taken them for a short time before relapsing. You won't be able to cure him; that has to come from him. Sadly it may be too late, given the harm he's done to himself.
What are you doing to look after yourself? Are you taking this on alone, or do other family members come in to help? Do you have a plan if you can no longer care for him?
What are you doing to look after yourself? Are you taking this on alone, or do other family members come in to help? Do you have a plan if you can no longer care for him?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Hi, Rainbow, and welcome to SR. I can't imagine how heartbreaking it is for you to watch your brother's decline. I'm no expert, but I'd agree w/your assessment that he's getting near the end.
The replies you've received seem spot on to me. I'd strongly suggest that you seek out Alanon for some face-to-face support as well as reading and posting on SR. It sounds as if you've accepted that you can't do anything to stop him drinking; the next step is to take care of yourself. SR and Alanon will help you learn how to do that.
As FeelingGreat said, it sounds like it's time to make a plan so things can be dealt with in a logical way as they occur, rather than just riding the roller coaster of emotions that surely must be involved.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
The replies you've received seem spot on to me. I'd strongly suggest that you seek out Alanon for some face-to-face support as well as reading and posting on SR. It sounds as if you've accepted that you can't do anything to stop him drinking; the next step is to take care of yourself. SR and Alanon will help you learn how to do that.
As FeelingGreat said, it sounds like it's time to make a plan so things can be dealt with in a logical way as they occur, rather than just riding the roller coaster of emotions that surely must be involved.
Wishing you strength and clarity.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
Hi
Thank you for your replies.
My partner has been a massive support to me and has been there to support me and my brother. My mum who is in her late 60's can't cope with him anymore and has washed her hands of him and would like me to do the same for his own benefit. Making him stand on his own two feet. I just can't cope with the thought of him being on his own.
Does anyone know how long end stage lasts? Is it weeks or months?
The transplant is out of the question, I have offered to be a donor but they say no.
I know I need to speak to someone as I know I'm not coping and feel an emotional wreck at times. I have good days and bad days but try and stay strong for my brother.
The funny thing is we hated each other as kids and now I would do anything to save him.
Thank you for your replies.
My partner has been a massive support to me and has been there to support me and my brother. My mum who is in her late 60's can't cope with him anymore and has washed her hands of him and would like me to do the same for his own benefit. Making him stand on his own two feet. I just can't cope with the thought of him being on his own.
Does anyone know how long end stage lasts? Is it weeks or months?
The transplant is out of the question, I have offered to be a donor but they say no.
I know I need to speak to someone as I know I'm not coping and feel an emotional wreck at times. I have good days and bad days but try and stay strong for my brother.
The funny thing is we hated each other as kids and now I would do anything to save him.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rainbow, my heart goes out to you. There might be some steps you can take to manage the situation, which does seem bad for your AB's long-term outlook. You could consider getting medical POA, which would allow you to talk to his doctors without him having to be there. This would give you a clearer picture, but it could also involve very difficult decisions, and your brother would need to be lucid for a time, to agree.
See if you can find appropriate counselling and advice, maybe through the hospital, so you can share some of the burden.
See if you can find appropriate counselling and advice, maybe through the hospital, so you can share some of the burden.
Member
Join Date: May 2013
Location: east coast
Posts: 1,332
It may be best to get him into hospice if he qualifies. If you are in the US I would suggest getting him signed up for social security disability and or welfare and medicare or medicaid. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this but there are programs to help. Please reach out to them and continue coming here and posting
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Rainbow, I am so sorry you are going through this. Thank God you have support from someone.
We here all love an addict or we wouldn't be here. You have come to the right place for compassion and understsnding. This is also our biggest fear of what you are living with. I want you to know that you are doing the best you can for your brother. He is a very "lucky" man to have you in his life. Keep reaching out for support here, if we don't know something someone can make a recommendation on how you can find out.
God bless you and sending ((((((((((((((((hugs and prayers))))))))))))))) keep coming back!!!
We here all love an addict or we wouldn't be here. You have come to the right place for compassion and understsnding. This is also our biggest fear of what you are living with. I want you to know that you are doing the best you can for your brother. He is a very "lucky" man to have you in his life. Keep reaching out for support here, if we don't know something someone can make a recommendation on how you can find out.
God bless you and sending ((((((((((((((((hugs and prayers))))))))))))))) keep coming back!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Pa
Posts: 4,872
Hi Rainbow,
Sorry about the short response before, I was typing fast because I didn't want you to leave here thinking you didn't belong here. Welcome to our family. Yes, you belong here, as maia said this is a forum for people who love an addict. It's obvious you love your brother very much.
The help here is mostly for you. We cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking. We will walk with you, and hold you when you need a hug. I am so sorry for the situation that bought you here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
Sorry about the short response before, I was typing fast because I didn't want you to leave here thinking you didn't belong here. Welcome to our family. Yes, you belong here, as maia said this is a forum for people who love an addict. It's obvious you love your brother very much.
The help here is mostly for you. We cannot make an alcoholic stop drinking. We will walk with you, and hold you when you need a hug. I am so sorry for the situation that bought you here.
(((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))
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Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 11,481
Originally Posted by RollTide 
You very much do belong here. This place was a safe place for all of us to come. Please keep posting and reading.
time to shine again
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
My heart breaks for you, Rainbow, as I experienced the death of my big brother in the exact same way. It is horrific to watch and to feel so helpless.
There are some great answers to your OP here, and I would add that it's very important for you to remember to nurture yourself and your relationship.
If you are spiritual or are involved with a loving church community, you will find support there -- but, more than anything, right now, you must pull out all the stops: surround yourself with support, do whatever it takes to get your brother's details in order (and, this DOES mean having the funeral talk.
I am so very, very sorry that your mother has "washed her hands" of her son. My mother did the same and, it left my sister in the hospital with a nervous-breakdown after his death. Sometimes parents just cannot deal with the destruction their own children have brought upon themselves.
You're in my prayers, Rainbow. Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't belong here. Like everywhere in life, I have learned there are some hateful people in this forum, but the kind and caring ones out-number them by a mile.
Be well, friend.
Golden
There are some great answers to your OP here, and I would add that it's very important for you to remember to nurture yourself and your relationship.
If you are spiritual or are involved with a loving church community, you will find support there -- but, more than anything, right now, you must pull out all the stops: surround yourself with support, do whatever it takes to get your brother's details in order (and, this DOES mean having the funeral talk.
I am so very, very sorry that your mother has "washed her hands" of her son. My mother did the same and, it left my sister in the hospital with a nervous-breakdown after his death. Sometimes parents just cannot deal with the destruction their own children have brought upon themselves.
You're in my prayers, Rainbow. Please don't ever let anyone tell you that you don't belong here. Like everywhere in life, I have learned there are some hateful people in this forum, but the kind and caring ones out-number them by a mile.
Be well, friend.
Golden
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 220
I am so sorry.
Please meet with his doctor and look into Hospice if the doctor agrees.
SR has been invaluable to us, as has Cirrhosis Forums - General & Support
It is for caregivers and those who have cirrhosis themselves.
Cirrhosis is very difficult for caregivers. More so than any other caregiviving I have been involved in. Please take care of ypurself.
Please feel free to pm me.
Please meet with his doctor and look into Hospice if the doctor agrees.
SR has been invaluable to us, as has Cirrhosis Forums - General & Support
It is for caregivers and those who have cirrhosis themselves.
Cirrhosis is very difficult for caregivers. More so than any other caregiviving I have been involved in. Please take care of ypurself.
Please feel free to pm me.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington
Posts: 23
This is a truly heartbreaking post that makes me reevaluate and be happy with my personal circumstances. I think that the way you are handling this (at least the way you are displaying this to us) is to be commended, you are truly stepping out and displaying some amazing internal strength.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 3
Thank you for your kind replies. I guess I needed to talk to people who understand and can help me understand what's happening to us all.
I live in Scotland and feel that there is no help or possibly don't know what help I can get.
I am going to call his doctor tomorrow and see what they can do, luckily we are with the same doctor.
My brother has a social worker with the local Integrated Alcohol Services but to be honest they are a complete waste of time. They know exactly what state he is in and when he does not make appointment they don't do any follow up's, you would think they would arrange home visits but sadly nothing is done.
I tried to call and speak to his Social Worker but constantly get knocked back with the data protection laws. They honestly think they are going to tell me something I don't know....I could tell them a few things!
He is waiting on funding (so he says) to go into a private rehab but that has been months and months now.
When we had the talk with the doctor in April my brother was asked about end of life care and he said he wanted to be at home. The doctor said the end of life team will be there to support us and nurses would come in to support us with care. Maybe this is not end of life but in the deepest part of my heart I think it is.
Thank you all very much for your heart felt replies and I am so sorry if I went over the line with any of my comments.
I live in Scotland and feel that there is no help or possibly don't know what help I can get.
I am going to call his doctor tomorrow and see what they can do, luckily we are with the same doctor.
My brother has a social worker with the local Integrated Alcohol Services but to be honest they are a complete waste of time. They know exactly what state he is in and when he does not make appointment they don't do any follow up's, you would think they would arrange home visits but sadly nothing is done.
I tried to call and speak to his Social Worker but constantly get knocked back with the data protection laws. They honestly think they are going to tell me something I don't know....I could tell them a few things!
He is waiting on funding (so he says) to go into a private rehab but that has been months and months now.
When we had the talk with the doctor in April my brother was asked about end of life care and he said he wanted to be at home. The doctor said the end of life team will be there to support us and nurses would come in to support us with care. Maybe this is not end of life but in the deepest part of my heart I think it is.
Thank you all very much for your heart felt replies and I am so sorry if I went over the line with any of my comments.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Rainbow, hope you can find some better help.
I just wanted to reiterate the medical Power of Attorney step, if your brother will agree. It can really facilitate you getting him help when required, and making decisions where he becomes incapable. You may have to do this anyway, but the POA eliminates many of the privacy barriers with his medical carers.
I'm familiar with the concept because my mother has early dementia, and it has made it much easier for my sister to help her, while still consulting her about her wishes.
I just wanted to reiterate the medical Power of Attorney step, if your brother will agree. It can really facilitate you getting him help when required, and making decisions where he becomes incapable. You may have to do this anyway, but the POA eliminates many of the privacy barriers with his medical carers.
I'm familiar with the concept because my mother has early dementia, and it has made it much easier for my sister to help her, while still consulting her about her wishes.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Rainbow, Thanks for coming back. I hope that you have received a little help on suggestions and things you can do. We are all praying for you and your brother. It is the hardest thing you will ever have to do watching this horrible disease take hold of someone you love.
Please feel free to ask questions and seek help. You no longer need to suffer in silence. You can also reach out to the A's forum if you want to get their perspective also. They are a wealth of knowledge and comfort as they have all lived it to some extreme.
Sending prayers to you and i hope that you can get some of your questions answered tomorrow. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Please feel free to ask questions and seek help. You no longer need to suffer in silence. You can also reach out to the A's forum if you want to get their perspective also. They are a wealth of knowledge and comfort as they have all lived it to some extreme.
Sending prayers to you and i hope that you can get some of your questions answered tomorrow. (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
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