what the hell did I do wrong, screw me
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Reno, Nv
Posts: 873
what the hell did I do wrong, screw me
You know, I post all bipolar I vacillate between the positive and negative. I want hope and a future, I want to be someone, but I am no one. Ever had that thought? Does life and the human experience see surreal to you?
I know I go from hour to hour and things change, but I am human... At that I a honest and post what is true to me in a moment, one solitary moment in a life time of minutes. Scary right? A life time of moments, a lifetime of moments to either be positive and lovely or a lifetime of moments of despair. I relate to the latter.
Its like being stuck in a moment that I can't get out of, the cessation of alcohol, trying to be positive, and being sober. The answer right? Not really, its more like, hell on wheels and trying to cope with this insidious beast we call life.
Living but not living, the hope of hopelessness, the time to seize, but not being able to find a moment to seize, the hours, time, life it all alludes this man, the wanting of wantingness, can't I be a real live man without issues,
Can't I find me, be happy with me, and succeed, can't I cease the drama, and find the real me and rejoice. Oh how much wish!
I know I go from hour to hour and things change, but I am human... At that I a honest and post what is true to me in a moment, one solitary moment in a life time of minutes. Scary right? A life time of moments, a lifetime of moments to either be positive and lovely or a lifetime of moments of despair. I relate to the latter.
Its like being stuck in a moment that I can't get out of, the cessation of alcohol, trying to be positive, and being sober. The answer right? Not really, its more like, hell on wheels and trying to cope with this insidious beast we call life.
Living but not living, the hope of hopelessness, the time to seize, but not being able to find a moment to seize, the hours, time, life it all alludes this man, the wanting of wantingness, can't I be a real live man without issues,
Can't I find me, be happy with me, and succeed, can't I cease the drama, and find the real me and rejoice. Oh how much wish!
02.27.15 :): ▽VII△VIII
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: California
Posts: 2,802
There are two sides to every coin, and apparently neither side is perfect. I think it's valuable to recognize your conflict between hope and despair because they are both a part of you and both have the capacity to motivate you to be better. And, you know, I think all of us, when we find the real us, realize we still have some work to do.
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Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
This comes back a little to what I said in another thread about expectations.
NOONE is positive all the time dude.
It's ok to have a bad day and to vent about it
All any of us has to do is being the best us we can at any given time, J.
Sometimes I can work miracles. Right now I can barely type I'm that tired and sore.
I'm a little cranky too so it's good I'm alone right now...
All those things are me - yeah?
D
NOONE is positive all the time dude.
It's ok to have a bad day and to vent about it
All any of us has to do is being the best us we can at any given time, J.
Sometimes I can work miracles. Right now I can barely type I'm that tired and sore.
I'm a little cranky too so it's good I'm alone right now...
All those things are me - yeah?
D
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 4,251
Jeremy, I am really sorry you are having such a hard time right now.
I have read your posts but am still unclear of your exact diagnosis but I want to tell you this story. Years ago I worked as a mental health services provider in a group home for people diagnosed with schizophrenia. Most of the people I worked with were very severe in their symptoms and for the most part out of touch with reality. There was one man however who was very much aware of his illness and despite deep fluctuations in mood and symptoms remained in touch. He would have moments of such anger and despair. I can still hear his voice as he screamed at me one evening "why? why me? why do I have to have this horrible illness?" It still pains me to think about it. I almost felt as if those who were more severely ill had it better, at least they didn't sit the fence so much, they were blessed with not really knowing what else could be.
I think you are in a similar situation. You are facing a lot of struggle right now and have various mental health issues to work out and you know it, which makes your suffering so much more difficult to deal with. You are not in some lala land of denial, you see and know what you want but you have so many issues to sort out to get there.
I second what a lot of people have suggested. I know hit is frightening but inpatient really seems to be the way to go for you. Those psychotropic meds are serious business. They can offer you the possibility of living a healthy, satisfying life but it is not an easy possibility to find. It takes a trained doctor a lot of work to find the right dose of the right combination of the right medications. The medications take varying lengths of time to work and straighten out. This is all managed MUCH easier in an inpatient setting. YOu can go on like you are for years, YEARS, trying to find the right meds, the right combination by just seeing someone outpatient. Or you can suck it up, bite the bullet, go inpatient and get this over with in a comparatively shorter period of time.
I get you bud, I'd freaking hate to hear that was my best option. But you can do this and I really do think you will be thankful you did.
I have read your posts but am still unclear of your exact diagnosis but I want to tell you this story. Years ago I worked as a mental health services provider in a group home for people diagnosed with schizophrenia. Most of the people I worked with were very severe in their symptoms and for the most part out of touch with reality. There was one man however who was very much aware of his illness and despite deep fluctuations in mood and symptoms remained in touch. He would have moments of such anger and despair. I can still hear his voice as he screamed at me one evening "why? why me? why do I have to have this horrible illness?" It still pains me to think about it. I almost felt as if those who were more severely ill had it better, at least they didn't sit the fence so much, they were blessed with not really knowing what else could be.
I think you are in a similar situation. You are facing a lot of struggle right now and have various mental health issues to work out and you know it, which makes your suffering so much more difficult to deal with. You are not in some lala land of denial, you see and know what you want but you have so many issues to sort out to get there.
I second what a lot of people have suggested. I know hit is frightening but inpatient really seems to be the way to go for you. Those psychotropic meds are serious business. They can offer you the possibility of living a healthy, satisfying life but it is not an easy possibility to find. It takes a trained doctor a lot of work to find the right dose of the right combination of the right medications. The medications take varying lengths of time to work and straighten out. This is all managed MUCH easier in an inpatient setting. YOu can go on like you are for years, YEARS, trying to find the right meds, the right combination by just seeing someone outpatient. Or you can suck it up, bite the bullet, go inpatient and get this over with in a comparatively shorter period of time.
I get you bud, I'd freaking hate to hear that was my best option. But you can do this and I really do think you will be thankful you did.
Marchia in Aeternum
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Georgia
Posts: 11,094
Dee has it right. Sometimes, being me sucks. It's that way for everyone, not just you. But, you keep facing forward. You keep trying to be better. And you tell the demons in your head to get stuffed, shut up!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Virginia
Posts: 498
I haven't been here long, and have only strung nine days together but each "new" thing that I do that doesn't include alcohol is a positive and a triumph. I know that next glass of wine is just waiting for me and as long as I can keep making it wait I am doing great. Life is scary and I no longer want to shield my fear behind alcohol, I want to experience and embrace whatever it has, I have been through scary stuff in life but I think to myself that I have made it this far with alcohol and God must have a plan for me and I try to imagine how much I could do without alcohol. I really have no idea what the plan could be for someone as flawed as I am, maybe it is as simple as raising my daughters with my wife to be the very best they can be and loving them with my whole heart (a very scary endeavor in the world we live in) Don't know, but need to keep trying my best. Sorry you are having a bad day, yesterday mine started off really cranking with the dog jumping around real early, waking the kids up (one has been sick - fever/sore throat), then my wife woke up (she had surgery on Fri), coffee wasn't ready ...hahaha what a start to day #9 - but then it ended with me buying "Star Wars" the first movie from 1977 - kids never saw it and they loved it, what a blast from the past I was like 10 last time I saw it. Have a great Sunday!
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
What is your plan for recovery J
like D said everybody has a bad day im about to do something i dont want to as it will help somebodys sobriety it wont harm mine but i wanted to relax lol
point is im trying J nothing just comes to me i done what i had to get to where im at recovery wise
i think the balance to your happiness is a mixture of work and sobriety your not happy with either not to mention how hard you have been finding it..
im going to send you a link use it J
like D said everybody has a bad day im about to do something i dont want to as it will help somebodys sobriety it wont harm mine but i wanted to relax lol
point is im trying J nothing just comes to me i done what i had to get to where im at recovery wise
i think the balance to your happiness is a mixture of work and sobriety your not happy with either not to mention how hard you have been finding it..
im going to send you a link use it J
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
Originally Posted by Thatdeliveryguy 
You know, I post all bipolar I vacillate between the positive and negative. I want hope and a future, I want to be someone, but I am no one. Ever had that thought? Does life and the human experience see surreal to you?
I know I go from hour to hour and things change, but I am human... At that I a honest and post what is true to me in a moment, one solitary moment in a life time of minutes. Scary right? A life time of moments, a lifetime of moments to either be positive and lovely or a lifetime of moments of despair. I relate to the latter.
Its like being stuck in a moment that I can't get out of, the cessation of alcohol, trying to be positive, and being sober. The answer right? Not really, its more like, hell on wheels and trying to cope with this insidious beast we call life.
Living but not living, the hope of hopelessness, the time to seize, but not being able to find a moment to seize, the hours, time, life it all alludes this man, the wanting of wantingness, can't I be a real live man without issues,
Can't I find me, be happy with me, and succeed, can't I cease the drama, and find the real me and rejoice. Oh how much wish!
I know I go from hour to hour and things change, but I am human... At that I a honest and post what is true to me in a moment, one solitary moment in a life time of minutes. Scary right? A life time of moments, a lifetime of moments to either be positive and lovely or a lifetime of moments of despair. I relate to the latter.
Its like being stuck in a moment that I can't get out of, the cessation of alcohol, trying to be positive, and being sober. The answer right? Not really, its more like, hell on wheels and trying to cope with this insidious beast we call life.
Living but not living, the hope of hopelessness, the time to seize, but not being able to find a moment to seize, the hours, time, life it all alludes this man, the wanting of wantingness, can't I be a real live man without issues,
Can't I find me, be happy with me, and succeed, can't I cease the drama, and find the real me and rejoice. Oh how much wish!
You don't have to figure it all out
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