Meraviglioso

Ah, the best laid plans of mice and men….
So I am on day 20 of my recovery, having been taking antabuse for all 20 days. As some of you may recall I found the dosage too much at first and cut it in half, then cut it to a quarter.
Well, even at a 1/4 dose I am struggling. I am exhausted, drowsy, weak and in a fog all day long. I have been eating healthy, taking my vitamins, exercising, but nothing seems to help. Two times I have been late getting my son to school ( I performed better hungover of god's sake!). My work situation here is such that I have a large number of small jobs that I piece together to survive financially. So my overall workload is not excessive, but I have to juggle and organize many different things every day. It requires an incredible amount of mental energy and I am starting to slip given my exhaustion. I do not have the luxury of time to take a nap or rest during the day, too much to do, too many places to be.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to get off this medication. But I am terrified! I know, I know, I know what many of you have said that I CAN do this without the medication. I feel firm in my decision to not drink. I want it. I am willing to do anything to see that I don't. But I do feel afraid. I am so terrified of relapsing again. I am clinging to this medication as my weapon against relapse and was planning on staying on it until I felt stronger. The truth is I still have very strong cravings. There are situations where I go in very prepared and those are not the worst- dinners, weddings, parties. The ones that scare me are the ones that sneak up at 10:30 on a Tuesday morning, in the car of the way back from the market, just after I drop my kids off at their fathers house and pass by the bar….
I cannot go back to drinking. I don't want a sip.
My boyfriend is a huge support, I appreciate what he is doing for me, at least I have that. Last night I was talking about the medication and how I am worried going off it. I told him how much I would have loved to share a bottle of wine with him right then (watching a movie on a rainy Friday night). He said that he too would have loved that, he was wanting some wine last night,b ut he would not drink around me as support. I've got him. I've got you all. I've told everyone close to me that I am not drinking and they are supportive. It was an eye opener to me that I told several people to whom I had not confessed my "problem" I just said "ah, I'm taking a break from drinking, I feel better when I don't" and they gave a knowing nod and said "I think that is a wise idea" not so subtly hinting that they had seen the problem without me confessing it. I've got my psychologist. I've got my doctor. The big part missing here is ME. I'm just being honest here, I don't feel ready to let go of the medication, I don't. But I din't know how to manage my day to day life while on it. Six, one half dozen or the other, eh?
I'm not sure what this post is about really. I just wanted to get it out there.
I took my dose last night. I think I'll take my dose tonight as tomorrow is Sunday and the kids are with their father. But I've got to come up with a solid plan to get through next week. And of course the weeks after.
YOu want to know the truth? I'd kill for a glass, no a bottle! of wine right now. It's sick isn't it? I KNOW how horrible alcohol is for me and my life. I don't want it, but I DO.
20 days, I've got that. In 20 days I haven't embarrassed myself, I haven't put myself or my children at risk, I've been a good parent, I've ben a good girlfriend, I've been healthy, Ive been happy. I want 20 more. And then 20 more and then 20 more.

trachemys

We've got you, Mera. And you've got us.

Now is when you find out that you're a strong person. Now is when you find out that you are a Titan.

sprout50

Mera, are you sure it is tthe antabuse that is causing you to be so tired and in a fog? Early sobriety on it's own can cause that. I went through the first few weeks feeling like that. Eventually, that went away.

When you start to think how nice it would be to have a bottle of wine, think of what you wrote at the end of your post. For 20 days, you haven't put yourself or your children at risk. No matter what you decide about the antabuse, 20 days is a hugge accomplishment and you can this!

VikingGF

First off, congrats on 20 days. That's a great accomplishment! My first 3 weeks were not fabulous, I was tired, in a mental fog, and dizzy sometimes. Physically, I really didn't feel better until after a month or so, and month two had some days where I was tired and still mentally fuzzy. Wine was my drink of choice, as well. It takes a long time for our bodies to adjust, some of what you're going through could be just that. Of course, consult your doc for any med adjustment or continued concerns.

Stay with it! Drinking fixes nothing. This will all be better in time, if you just don't drink.

IOAA2

Hi.
I/we understand. This alcoholism is called powerful, baffling and cunning for reasons you describe. If you were in the US there are suggestions to take not available to you there, perhaps a good rehab or counseling with an addictive specialist along with a person to person support fellowship.
This on line support is good for many, reading and awareness is helpful but not the same as face to face meetings. IMO
When I first was attempting to get a few days together and failing miserably foe too long it was impressed on me to think of NOT DRINKING. It helped me immensely as the obsession really doesn’t usually last that long. They can be beautiful memories or spine chilling, anything! Another idea is to remember the bad situations bought to us by drinking.

The big thing is we have a tendency to glamorize drinking, forgetting all the heartbreaks.

BE WELL

sthlondonab

Hello Mera

We 'spoke' a couple of times when I first came around on here.

Just wanted to say I still read your posts. You have a lot of courage. Keep going.

sugarbear1

you are feeling the effects of early recovery and your body healing.

MavisTheFairy13

I've gone loopy and wandering round in a daze too and not on antabuse so agree with the others it might not be related. Maybe have a chat with your doctor? If you do decide to stop the meds we are here for you, you can do this

Meraviglioso

Well I suppose it could just be quitting the wine that has got me feeling so tired. I didn't suffer so greatly in my past attempts so I chalked it up to the medication. I guess I could stick with the antabuse for another week or so, see how I feel. Maybe I need to drink more water. Something strange I've noticed is that I have almost an aversion to drinking any liquid right now. I have always been a big water drinker, even when drinking. I regularly drank several liters a day. Since starting the medication I have to force myself to have a glass and am averaging maybe a glass or two a day. Which is very strange given that a lot of user experiences I read when researching antabuse mentioned extreme thirst. ??? You know what? It's Saturday, I've cleaned my entire house top to bottom, my kids are off sailing with their father until tomorrow. I think I'll take a hot bath then a long nap. Over and out for now sober friends. See you in a few hours, rested and hopefully with a more positive, clear outlook. Happy sober Saturday to you all, as always, thanks for the feedback.

Soberwolf

Well done mera 20 days is really good

SeekingGrowth

Hi Mera. I'm with those who are questioning whether what you're experiencing is due to the Antabuse. I have a friend who takes a quarter dose like you do every morning to combat her evening alcohol cravings. She tells me that she feels no side effects - the ONLY thing it does for her is make it impossible to give into her cravings and drink. There are a lot of reasons why a person might experience excessive fatigue, including those mentioned by those responding to your post. Maybe you should talk with your doctor?

Anna

I think it's good to remember that antabuse doesn't help with cravings.

You will be able to work through the cravings slowly but surely as they come. Each time you deal with one you will get stronger.

heath480

Withdrawals from Alcohol get worse over time,the way you are feeling might be your Alcoholism progressing.It never gets better,only worse.

I hope you stick with sobriety and perhaps look at getting face to face help,it is difficult staying sober long term without that support.

biminiblue

Dehydration can cause fatigue. Force yourself to drink water.

You have a busy life and your body is healing.

I understand your hesitation, but don't torture yourself with your own thoughts. I think you have the same problem I do/did. Have you tried meditation? It is very good for learning to release obsessive negative thinking. That was the root of my problem.

In therapy circles they call them ANTS (Automatic Negative Thoughts) - learning to squash them is the source of peace for people like me who obsess over stuff...everything...nothing.

Meraviglioso

Oh yes, I was definitely aware of that. I am using it as a weeping against those cravings. I planed on putting the weapon down when the cravings weren't coming so often and strong that I felt like I could deal with them on my own. But now I am faced with this fatigue issue.
I will make an effort to drink more water and see if that lightens things up a bit.
It was good to point out that withdrawal does get worse each time, it really could be that. I am surprised as just a recent as my last solid attempt at sobriety (13 days) I felt fantastic!
I also have to say that I am really in tune with my body and to me this feels like a "drugged" lethargy, not just a run-down by the withdrawals weakness. You know when you take a heavy painkiller or benadryl? It is like that. Which to me feels different from physical exhaustion or weakness and tiredness due to being sick. If I follow my own instincts I am leaning towards the medication being the cause but I could very well be mistaken.

So here is my plan for the following week:
I'm going to stick it out on 1/4 of a dose until next weekend.
I am going to set my alarm for a half hour earlier to give me some padding in the morning to feel drowsy and get it together.
I will do some light calisthenics and then take a shower before leaving the house. (I do shower! I just usually waited until returning format he gym). I hope these two additions will get my blood moving some and wake me up better for the day.
I will eat something or make a smoothie every morning for breakfast even if I don't feel hungry.
I'll continue the gym daily.
I will drink a minimum of 2 litres of water daily which is what I had been doing before inexplicably reducing my consumption over the last three weeks.
I will take my vitamins in the morning.
I will see my psychologist.
I will check in here daily.
I wil research ANTS and meditation.
I will continue to use the "play the tape through" method when cravings come, which has proven to be the most effective mental defense when they hit hard.

Lastly, I will schedule an appointment at a nearby terme for day 30 of sobriety as my own private celebration. I live in an area of Italy where I am surrounded by the natural hot water mineral baths. Visits there are prescribed by many doctors for a number of ailments and they are great for detoxifying the skin and balancing the body. It is beneficial and relaxing and luxurious. I am going to add in a massage and a skin scrub, I saw on the website they were offering a special at an attractive price. If, for any reason I fail to meet my goals or I drink alcohol I will immediately cancel the appointment. I won't always be able to afford a "carrot" such as this, neither in time nor money, but this time I need it, I deserve and gosh darn it, I'm gonna do it!

PurpleKnight

Sounds like a great plan Mera!!

Think of it as swapping tools in the Sober toolbox, you're giving up one and instead using another, but just as equally up to the task, I have no doubt that a plan of recovery and a sufficient support structure can be just as effective as medication to help you achieve Sobriety.

You can do this!!

EndGameNYC

Pay attention to these comments, Mera...All of them. And drink more water. Doing so is crucial in early sobriety.

I'm also wondering whether or not you were fatigued, "foggy," or mentally slower while you were drinking. When many of us get through the earlier part of getting sober, it is only then that we realize just how much of a drag our drinking was on our ability to function while we were drinking. Yet early sobriety often paints a very different picture, when we lie to ourselves about how much better we functioned while we were drinking, and then wondering if putting down the drink was such a good idea.

I generally don't recommend antabuse or any other medication for people who have problems with alcohol, but I'm not strongly opposed to it either. Given how attractive drinking continues to be for you, it seems that struggling through the side effects may be the safer way for you at the moment.

Meraviglioso

Man, reading that is like a punch in the face, not because you wrote it but because the truth hurts. It's nothing I didn't already know but seeing it spelled out in black and white is painful. I want to drink, I miss certain parts of drinking, I'm struggling with my decision, but under no circumstances can I drink. I do know this. I'm not there with my head, I've got to get there.

heartcore

Mmmmm, the spa day sounds fabulous! I love hot water & massage & creams rubbed on my skin; my happiest place.

I also think you may want to look at the possibility that you are being overly active in the first delicate healing period of sobriety. You are withdrawing, whether that is the cause of your symptoms or not. You should be napping. I understand the need to continue with work; I had to do that also. But I noticed you said you were going to the gym daily! Your body needs some convalescence. Movement yes, but not hard core training. Plenty of time for that later. Too much too soon?

Venecia

Mera,

I wish I had a magic wand and could make this easier for you. It's hard, I know. I slugged it out solo for two months before I joined SR. My first month? Day after day of feeling utter exhaustion. Getting out of bed in the morning was like trying to shake myself out of a coma. One day, I nearly fell asleep at the wheel at 5:30 p.m. With my niece in the car. I took a lot of showers during that time.

Others have made excellent points. I'll add this: somewhere in our minds, there is that attachment -- almost romantic, in some ways -- to wine. Endgame said it well. (And I agree with his observations about the relative merit of staying on Antabuse for now.)

Wine was my poison of choice, too. I not only wanted it, I was attracted by it. It takes a while for that to go away. In that period, from my experience anyway, it helps to remember what we're trading for what.

Early sobriety:
- exhaustion
- self-doubt
- anxiety
- other stuff

Pre-sobriety? Don't let yourself forget:
- sledge-hammer headaches
- nausea
- no energy or drive
- an ever-present supply of Visine so that blood-shot eyes don't raise questions
- lethargy
- weight gain (yeah, thanks, wine)
- self-loathing
- missing opportunities because we chose to drink instead
- frustration
- checking Facebook to see if anything stupid or embarrassing was posted
- a checking account with lots of expenditures at the same places
- bad skin
- achiness
- gastro-intestinal "issues"

Get the picture? Don't forget what the booze did to us. And while I'm not always one to ascribe human characteristics to the AV, I fully believe there's something to it. It's sneaky, a trickster. It wants you to forget the toll of alcohol, to think of wine as the crown jewel of la dolce vita.

You can do this, Mera. You really can.