sorriso2911

Long story short, husband is an alcoholic with all the typical drama and chaos that goes with that. For the past 9 months he has had attempts at sobriety including two treatment centers. It only lasts a few weeks to maybe a month or so before he relapses. I am in Al Anon. I feel I have tried everything and nothing has worked. He decided that AA doesn't work for him and the reason he drinks is because I am too "cold" and he could "manage" his disease if he had more affection from me. I asked him to move out a month ago and told him that until he has long term sobriety (maybe 6 months) I won't live with him. He has been drinking and furious at me since I did this. He says there is no way he can get sober without me. I feel that given how things are looking I may end up leaving the marriage for good. But his comments make me question my sanity. Is it reasonable to expect him to get sober on his own, before I will return to him?

lillamy

Yes.

You want a longer answer? Yes, it's not only reasonable to expect him to be able to get sober on his own, it's the only way he can get sober, if he realizes that it's all him and that he has to take responsibility for it completely and can't put any of it on YOU.

I was married to an A for 20 years. A lot of the early years went like this: I would say his drinking was unacceptable. He would say "I only drink because [insert how I was wrong here]." I would try to fix [reason]. He would keep drinking. I would point out to him that his drinking was unacceptable. He would say "I only drink because [insert new way I was wrong here]." And so it continued. At one point, he said he was drinking because I never had sex with him. I told him I would have sex with him every day if that helped him stay sober. I even kept a bloody excel sheet to keep track. It did jack effing squat. He still drank.

So yes, he will find reasons why YOU are responsible for his drinking. The reality is that he drinks because he's an alcoholic. Expecting him to stop drinking if you let him move back in and have sex with him every day would be like expecting a lion to become a vegetarian just because you put the salad in a nice bowl.

You're saner than you give yourself credit for. Stick to your guns, would be my advice.

MIRecovery

Yes! The only person that can get him sober is him. Nobody made me drink no one could keep me sober.

Recovery is an inside job

Sungrl

My x had a list a mile long of all the reasons he could not get sober.

I was one of them.

Truth is he couldn't get sober for one reason, he really didn't want to.

It was pointed out as well that I had to be there for him and help him get sober.

If that was the case, the four years I held on, were not long enough I guess.

I gave up and got my life back. He is still a hot mess.

Florence

Yes! And to add to this, it's the only way YOU can live in the relationship, being able to trust his sobriety without your help, advice, assistance, insistence, coercion, codependence, and anxiety, running both of your lives.

ladyscribbler

So it's your fault that he drinks but he can't get sober without you? Forget AA, he needs a logic class. Living with that type of nonsense would make anyone question their sanity.
Ditto to everything said above re his sobriety and good call on starting Alanon. Whatever he decides, Alanon meetings, readings and doing your step work will give you a good foundation to make healthy, logical decisions for YOU.
Hugs and welcome.

wanttobehealthy

Yes. Yes again. Yes.

Yes it is reasonable to have boundaries and stick to them.

Yes you have a right to distance yourself from his behavior...

maia1234

If you leave and he gets sober, good for you!!!

If you leave and he doesn't get sober, good for you!!

You cant lose in this situation!!

Good Luck in your decision "S"

AnvilheadII

He says there is no way he can get sober without me.

right cuz that's been working really well so far!
you are not a treatment counselor, a sponsor, a therapist, a life coach, or an escort. it is not your job to GET him sober, KEEP him sober, or drop your drawers and offer sex when it is his whim. SEX never got anyone SOBER.

hsi bit about AA not working FOR him....you're in Alanon, you know that's not how it works. sitting in a chair in an AA meeting doesn't make you sober anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car (i've borrowed that line, love it!!!). it ain't working cuz he doesn't WANT to quit drinking yet.

he's feeling threatened....his addiction is feeling threatened. so he's going to pull out all the stops to try and get YOU to back down, submit, and let him go on as he has been. much easier than doing the hard work himself.