Gone girl, trying again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Gone girl, trying again.
Wow, I was busy posting here (and staying sober) in 2012. Stayed sober, too, until October 2013, then started drinking again. A year of daily drinking. And drinking more heavily than ever, having added vodka and morning drinking (when I don't have to work) to my daily routine. It has not been pretty. I'm either drunk or hungover, and I look and feel like crap. I'm killing myself. Nothing in my life will improve unless I stop drinking.
So here goes day one, again. I've had so many day ones in my life I've lost count. But at least I'm still trying.
My plan:
Review and rewrite my CBA.
Start going to AA again.
Spend lots of time here.
Go back on meds once the fog of alcohol has lifted.
Thanks for being here.
So here goes day one, again. I've had so many day ones in my life I've lost count. But at least I'm still trying.
My plan:
Review and rewrite my CBA.
Start going to AA again.
Spend lots of time here.
Go back on meds once the fog of alcohol has lifted.
Thanks for being here.
Gl@ss Artist & Cat Lady
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Milwaukee, WI
Posts: 880
Hi Stevie... been there done that. Almost exactly like you! Even the part about starting to drink in the morning when I don't have to work. And there's probably a gazillion other folks here who would say the same.
It's really good you have a plan. You've done it before, you can do it again, right!
Yay - I'm rooting for you!
It's really good you have a plan. You've done it before, you can do it again, right!
Yay - I'm rooting for you!
Living Sober
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 555
Nothing in my life will improve unless I stop drinking.
You know there's a problem; you have a plan; you've done it before. (You can do it again and make it work!)
You're a bit older and more experienced and you know that it's time to quit. You should be proud of yourself for coming to grips and taking action. There's no fault in a stumble here and there, as long as you get back up- which you've done.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Thanks all! It feels good connecting with people who get it. I've hid, if not my drinking, at least the sheer extent of it, from everyone in my life.
I'm looking up all the AA meetings for today...sort of cringing at the thought of walking into the rooms again because I feel like a failure....which I know isn't very rational of me. But they did help before, especially in the evenings.
I'm looking up all the AA meetings for today...sort of cringing at the thought of walking into the rooms again because I feel like a failure....which I know isn't very rational of me. But they did help before, especially in the evenings.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
Originally Posted by Stevie1 
Thanks all! It feels good connecting with people who get it. I've hid, if not my drinking, at least the sheer extent of it, from everyone in my life.
I'm looking up all the AA meetings for today...sort of cringing at the thought of walking into the rooms again because I feel like a failure....which I know isn't very rational of me. But they did help before, especially in the evenings.
I'm looking up all the AA meetings for today...sort of cringing at the thought of walking into the rooms again because I feel like a failure....which I know isn't very rational of me. But they did help before, especially in the evenings.
I've had a few sobriety's with and without AA. The program is a current part of my plan. I need all the tools I can get. For me, I don't think I would be sober without SR though...I really, really don't.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
I was sober for six months through last winter and spring, then drank through most of the summer. And it was worse. And very secret.
As support for the return to aa - I dreaded this as well. I didn't have any super-deep relationships there, but I had meetings I had attended regularly...until I didn't. I live in a rather small community, so I'm sure those folks saw me "around" all summer, snuggled up to the drunken boyfriend, staggering at the festival, drinking beer at the restaurant...
It was actually the largest sense of dread - returning to aa. I didn't want to go, I tried negotiating a zillion other "recovery" plans with myself before I quit.
Anyway, it turned out to be kind of great. Everyone welcomed me and gave me tremendous support. The odd thing, and what I wanted to share with you, is that while I was "out," some new folks came in and some old folks drifted away, so the fellowship was composed of about half people I knew from before, with a sprinkling of people who didn't know me.
Because the composition of aa is fluid, the folks I knew treated me like a long lost relative returning. It was as though we were MORE intimate and friendly than we had actually been in the first place. People who barely spoke to me before invited me out after meetings, etc., as though I had been there all along and had just been traveling.
The only way I could figure this out is that maybe alcoholics deal with time differently (we're used to losing big chunks of it, early sobriety feels like time has stood still, etc.). So in their memory of me, we were actually more connected than I remembered us being.
At any rate, I didn't feel disconnected or shamed, if anything I felt like a long lost sister returned from war. They fussed over me. This actually contributed to not relapsing again, because I suspect their patience would thin and they might not be so friendly and invested if I were continually coming and going. They allowed me my mistake, and seemed to like me more a little humbled...
As support for the return to aa - I dreaded this as well. I didn't have any super-deep relationships there, but I had meetings I had attended regularly...until I didn't. I live in a rather small community, so I'm sure those folks saw me "around" all summer, snuggled up to the drunken boyfriend, staggering at the festival, drinking beer at the restaurant...
It was actually the largest sense of dread - returning to aa. I didn't want to go, I tried negotiating a zillion other "recovery" plans with myself before I quit.
Anyway, it turned out to be kind of great. Everyone welcomed me and gave me tremendous support. The odd thing, and what I wanted to share with you, is that while I was "out," some new folks came in and some old folks drifted away, so the fellowship was composed of about half people I knew from before, with a sprinkling of people who didn't know me.
Because the composition of aa is fluid, the folks I knew treated me like a long lost relative returning. It was as though we were MORE intimate and friendly than we had actually been in the first place. People who barely spoke to me before invited me out after meetings, etc., as though I had been there all along and had just been traveling.
The only way I could figure this out is that maybe alcoholics deal with time differently (we're used to losing big chunks of it, early sobriety feels like time has stood still, etc.). So in their memory of me, we were actually more connected than I remembered us being.
At any rate, I didn't feel disconnected or shamed, if anything I felt like a long lost sister returned from war. They fussed over me. This actually contributed to not relapsing again, because I suspect their patience would thin and they might not be so friendly and invested if I were continually coming and going. They allowed me my mistake, and seemed to like me more a little humbled...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Originally Posted by heartcore
I was sober for six months through last winter and spring, then drank through most of the summer. And it was worse. And very secret.
As support for the return to aa - I dreaded this as well. I didn't have any super-deep relationships there, but I had meetings I had attended regularly...until I didn't. I live in a rather small community, so I'm sure those folks saw me "around" all summer, snuggled up to the drunken boyfriend, staggering at the festival, drinking beer at the restaurant...
It was actually the largest sense of dread - returning to aa. I didn't want to go, I tried negotiating a zillion other "recovery" plans with myself before I quit.
Anyway, it turned out to be kind of great. Everyone welcomed me and gave me tremendous support. The odd thing, and what I wanted to share with you, is that while I was "out," some new folks came in and some old folks drifted away, so the fellowship was composed of about half people I knew from before, with a sprinkling of people who didn't know me.
Because the composition of aa is fluid, the folks I knew treated me like a long lost relative returning. It was as though we were MORE intimate and friendly than we had actually been in the first place. People who barely spoke to me before invited me out after meetings, etc., as though I had been there all along and had just been traveling.
The only way I could figure this out is that maybe alcoholics deal with time differently (we're used to losing big chunks of it, early sobriety feels like time has stood still, etc.). So in their memory of me, we were actually more connected than I remembered us being.
At any rate, I didn't feel disconnected or shamed, if anything I felt like a long lost sister returned from war. They fussed over me. Now, mind you, this actually contributed to not relapsing again, because I suspect their patience would thin and they might not be so friendly and invested if I were continually coming and going. They allowed me my mistake, and seemed to like me more a little humbled...
As support for the return to aa - I dreaded this as well. I didn't have any super-deep relationships there, but I had meetings I had attended regularly...until I didn't. I live in a rather small community, so I'm sure those folks saw me "around" all summer, snuggled up to the drunken boyfriend, staggering at the festival, drinking beer at the restaurant...
It was actually the largest sense of dread - returning to aa. I didn't want to go, I tried negotiating a zillion other "recovery" plans with myself before I quit.
Anyway, it turned out to be kind of great. Everyone welcomed me and gave me tremendous support. The odd thing, and what I wanted to share with you, is that while I was "out," some new folks came in and some old folks drifted away, so the fellowship was composed of about half people I knew from before, with a sprinkling of people who didn't know me.
Because the composition of aa is fluid, the folks I knew treated me like a long lost relative returning. It was as though we were MORE intimate and friendly than we had actually been in the first place. People who barely spoke to me before invited me out after meetings, etc., as though I had been there all along and had just been traveling.
The only way I could figure this out is that maybe alcoholics deal with time differently (we're used to losing big chunks of it, early sobriety feels like time has stood still, etc.). So in their memory of me, we were actually more connected than I remembered us being.
At any rate, I didn't feel disconnected or shamed, if anything I felt like a long lost sister returned from war. They fussed over me. Now, mind you, this actually contributed to not relapsing again, because I suspect their patience would thin and they might not be so friendly and invested if I were continually coming and going. They allowed me my mistake, and seemed to like me more a little humbled...
Right before I started drinking again, I found a great sponsor and committed to really working the program. I think in retrospect, I got anxious and panicked because it felt like such a commitment...I don't know. I just quit going to meetings and returning her calls and texts, and I feel terrible about that. It's a pattern of behaviour -- things start looking really good for me and I mess it up.
Anyway, whining about the past won't get me anywhere. I'm feeling sick and shaky and stupid today and trying to rationalise not going to a meeting later on. I really should suck it up and go, since I'm not working today and the drinking hour is looming. I need to get out and do something different and healthy for me. I'm home alone and cleaning the house like a madwoman...I've neglected so many things over the last year.
I know for a fact I am not going to drink today, no matter what. Going to the grocery store and picking up some ginger ale and some chocolate or something. I know I'm going to be craving sugar.
(hugs) to everybody.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 1,149
My day one also Stevie I am rather sick and shaky myself.
Its only 10am here in my neck of the woods but i would normally have already drank at least 6 beers by now.....i retired a couple of years ago so time was no longer an issue any longer..... just pouring that stuff down my throat seemed to be the most important thing in the world.
You can do this, and so can I....one day at a time....
I have an appointment on monday to see about checking into a rehab...they wont accept you into one around here unless you've been sober for at least a few days.
Its only 10am here in my neck of the woods but i would normally have already drank at least 6 beers by now.....i retired a couple of years ago so time was no longer an issue any longer..... just pouring that stuff down my throat seemed to be the most important thing in the world.
You can do this, and so can I....one day at a time....
I have an appointment on monday to see about checking into a rehab...they wont accept you into one around here unless you've been sober for at least a few days.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Hooped, I just read your other thread before you posted here and I am SO glad you're going to get the help you need! I've never had any serious detox issues in the past when quitting, thankfully.
I also do poorly with unstructured time...work has been a little slow this past couple of weeks so I've been drinking a lot and feeling pretty disgusted with myself.
Hooped, we can do this. I will be thinking of you over the weekend.
I also do poorly with unstructured time...work has been a little slow this past couple of weeks so I've been drinking a lot and feeling pretty disgusted with myself.
Hooped, we can do this. I will be thinking of you over the weekend.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Long Beach, CA
Posts: 705
Many people, myself included, have experienced this phenomenon. Your first serious attempt at sobriety leads to the most out of control drinking of your life. You aren't alone.
Now you know just how hard your alcoholic voice will go to keep you mired in this fatal disease. It's time to start fighting for real. Fight for your life, with everything you've got.
Now you know just how hard your alcoholic voice will go to keep you mired in this fatal disease. It's time to start fighting for real. Fight for your life, with everything you've got.
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