Newcomer - Stay or Go
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 13
Newcomer - Stay or Go
Hi everyone,
I am new here and not sure which forum to use. My husband is a functional alcoholic and marijuana smoker. So I thought I would pick this forum. For the record, I am going to Al-Anon and started working with a sponsor a few weeks ago.
My husband had smoked since he was 17. We are mid-fifties. Been married 17 years and no kids. He usually goes through at least a six-pack of 16 oz cans a day and smokes everyday too. I know I am dealing with an addict. I can tell when he is out of his smoking stuff because he becomes irritable, has crazy dreams, does not sleep well, all classic THC withdrawal symptoms. When he is using, he is calm.
My past history:[list][*]Planted illegal plants in back yard numerous times[*]Deceives about where going (going grocery shopping, comes back 4 hours later drunk and high.[*]Will not tell me how much spends on smoking stuff[*]Been in 2 car accidents with him while drinking and driving[*]Makes unilateral decisions such as retiring, starting new job[*]Self-centered: if have enough money, taking two vacations alone to surf.[*]Does not want me reading his email or iphone. Do not have passwords[*]Said I was jealous when I objected to disrespectful comments on Facebook[*]Been called B*tch several times to my face
[/]
An incident happened last X-mas. He felt I accused him of stealing money when I asked him to split the cost of replacing some missing money for my service organization. I will not go into details, but then became a verbal whipping post for his mother and sister. His one sister has disowned me and feels I am the problem. She even took back my X-mas gift. After this big blow-up, I filed for divorce. I dismissed it pending marriage counseling. We have gone to 10 sessions, but nothing has really changed.
We are currently on vacation out-of-state. I made the mistake of wanting to know how much money he spent on a necklace for his mother. It was $200.00. When I asked if we could discuss large dollar gifts like this one, I was told He does not need my approval. It was put on his credit card and he would pay it. So this scenario really upset him and he had to buy 2 six packs bottles of beer, and deal with his attitude all evening. Then later he tells me he loves me?? It had been six days without beer or his smoking stuff. At dinner I was told it was none of my business what he did for his family.
I am well educated and have a good job. I pay most of the bills, but did get him to agree to contribute more to bills. He put his pension in a separate account and said I was not entitled to any of the money. We live in community property state.
The counselor said we have an addict / co-dependency relationship.
So why do I stay? I have been sitting on the ambivalent wall for years!
Any advice?
I am new here and not sure which forum to use. My husband is a functional alcoholic and marijuana smoker. So I thought I would pick this forum. For the record, I am going to Al-Anon and started working with a sponsor a few weeks ago.
My husband had smoked since he was 17. We are mid-fifties. Been married 17 years and no kids. He usually goes through at least a six-pack of 16 oz cans a day and smokes everyday too. I know I am dealing with an addict. I can tell when he is out of his smoking stuff because he becomes irritable, has crazy dreams, does not sleep well, all classic THC withdrawal symptoms. When he is using, he is calm.
My past history:[list][*]Planted illegal plants in back yard numerous times[*]Deceives about where going (going grocery shopping, comes back 4 hours later drunk and high.[*]Will not tell me how much spends on smoking stuff[*]Been in 2 car accidents with him while drinking and driving[*]Makes unilateral decisions such as retiring, starting new job[*]Self-centered: if have enough money, taking two vacations alone to surf.[*]Does not want me reading his email or iphone. Do not have passwords[*]Said I was jealous when I objected to disrespectful comments on Facebook[*]Been called B*tch several times to my face
[/]
An incident happened last X-mas. He felt I accused him of stealing money when I asked him to split the cost of replacing some missing money for my service organization. I will not go into details, but then became a verbal whipping post for his mother and sister. His one sister has disowned me and feels I am the problem. She even took back my X-mas gift. After this big blow-up, I filed for divorce. I dismissed it pending marriage counseling. We have gone to 10 sessions, but nothing has really changed.
We are currently on vacation out-of-state. I made the mistake of wanting to know how much money he spent on a necklace for his mother. It was $200.00. When I asked if we could discuss large dollar gifts like this one, I was told He does not need my approval. It was put on his credit card and he would pay it. So this scenario really upset him and he had to buy 2 six packs bottles of beer, and deal with his attitude all evening. Then later he tells me he loves me?? It had been six days without beer or his smoking stuff. At dinner I was told it was none of my business what he did for his family.
I am well educated and have a good job. I pay most of the bills, but did get him to agree to contribute more to bills. He put his pension in a separate account and said I was not entitled to any of the money. We live in community property state.
The counselor said we have an addict / co-dependency relationship.
So why do I stay? I have been sitting on the ambivalent wall for years!
Any advice?
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
Well normally I'd suggest going to counselling, but if you have been to 10 sessions and nothing's changed, then maybe he's not willing to give. It honestly sounds like he only wants a partnership on his terms.
It would make some sense for you to get to know your own mind better by going to individual counselling. There may not be a solution to your incompatibility over money, and you can decide whether you will accept that, or leave. You have options, and discussing them with a neutral person will help you clarify them.
It would make some sense for you to get to know your own mind better by going to individual counselling. There may not be a solution to your incompatibility over money, and you can decide whether you will accept that, or leave. You have options, and discussing them with a neutral person will help you clarify them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
It sounds to me like you reached a point a year ago of feeling all these behaviors that have since continued, are intolerable and filed for divorce.
And I can understand withdrawing it and wanting to try and doing the counseling route to see if that would help.
It sounds from your post that counseling has not helped which is not altogether surprising to me since an active addict is not capable of honesty, accountability, self reflection etc... and those are all (IMHO) necessities for a relationship.
I cringed and remembered all too well the situations in my own life similar to those you describe; asking a question (about spending money and asking for a conversation about it before spending large sums, asking about where money disappeared to etc...) and the reactions from my xAH just like yours of anger, his involving his family to rail at me, and deflecting attn from the issue (your legit concern) by his laying into you.
It sounds like a stressful, abusive relationship and sounds difficult for you and you are allowed to decide youve had enough and say no more.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is what is your line in the sand and maybe decide that and what you'll do when it is crossed and then follow through...
Not to say that the above is easy to determine or do...
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation
And I can understand withdrawing it and wanting to try and doing the counseling route to see if that would help.
It sounds from your post that counseling has not helped which is not altogether surprising to me since an active addict is not capable of honesty, accountability, self reflection etc... and those are all (IMHO) necessities for a relationship.
I cringed and remembered all too well the situations in my own life similar to those you describe; asking a question (about spending money and asking for a conversation about it before spending large sums, asking about where money disappeared to etc...) and the reactions from my xAH just like yours of anger, his involving his family to rail at me, and deflecting attn from the issue (your legit concern) by his laying into you.
It sounds like a stressful, abusive relationship and sounds difficult for you and you are allowed to decide youve had enough and say no more.
I guess the question you have to ask yourself is what is your line in the sand and maybe decide that and what you'll do when it is crossed and then follow through...
Not to say that the above is easy to determine or do...
Sorry that you find yourself in this situation
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
joli....have you read "C0-dependent No More"? It comes highly recommended by most on this forum....You would probably find it very enlightening.
The "stickies"....articles at the top of this main page....especially the section called Classics is another recommended first step.
Of course, alanon to cope with what you must be going through..personally.
These are ways to begin to pull back the curtains and really assess what is going on.
I will say that you are probably somewhere in the FOG! F=fear O=obligation
G=guilt.......
What would you say?
dandylion
The "stickies"....articles at the top of this main page....especially the section called Classics is another recommended first step.
Of course, alanon to cope with what you must be going through..personally.
These are ways to begin to pull back the curtains and really assess what is going on.
I will say that you are probably somewhere in the FOG! F=fear O=obligation
G=guilt.......
What would you say?
dandylion
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
What do you feel is the right thing for you to do?
I'm asking because when I read your list, I think "Dear God, why would you want to put up with that behavior?" and then I remember that my list had other things but the sum at the bottom was pretty much the same. And when I was in that position, I had spent so long with my addict that I had come to believe that his version of reality was true. Everything from I had no right to ask how much he spent on booze to I was so fat and ugly and mean that nobody else would ever want me. And that I was lucky that he stayed. I was lucky to have him.
So what I was looking for was permission to leave. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I wanted it to be objectively OK for me to leave. I wanted anyone looking at my situation to go "Oh yeah, of course she left -- who could have put up with that?" but that goalpost kept moving. It got worse but I still didn't feel I had the right to leave.
Let me tell you right now: If you want to leave, you have every right. Not because there's this measurement scale that you can put your life up against, and when it hits the red zone, it's OK to leave, but because you no longer feel that this is the life you want. That's the only measurement, really.
His drinking and potting (did I just invent that word?) is affecting you in a way that makes your life something less than you want your life to be. There's your permission. Right there.
I'm asking because when I read your list, I think "Dear God, why would you want to put up with that behavior?" and then I remember that my list had other things but the sum at the bottom was pretty much the same. And when I was in that position, I had spent so long with my addict that I had come to believe that his version of reality was true. Everything from I had no right to ask how much he spent on booze to I was so fat and ugly and mean that nobody else would ever want me. And that I was lucky that he stayed. I was lucky to have him.
So what I was looking for was permission to leave. I didn't want to be the bad guy. I wanted it to be objectively OK for me to leave. I wanted anyone looking at my situation to go "Oh yeah, of course she left -- who could have put up with that?" but that goalpost kept moving. It got worse but I still didn't feel I had the right to leave.
Let me tell you right now: If you want to leave, you have every right. Not because there's this measurement scale that you can put your life up against, and when it hits the red zone, it's OK to leave, but because you no longer feel that this is the life you want. That's the only measurement, really.
His drinking and potting (did I just invent that word?) is affecting you in a way that makes your life something less than you want your life to be. There's your permission. Right there.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Joli-
When we finally start looking for help, we realize what we are living in is crazy. If you read what you wrote there isn't anything positive in your relationship.
Don't get me wrong, we have all walked in your shoes. My therapist asked me why I stayed. I said I loved him, and she said what else? He doesn't cook, clean, no laundry, doesn't help with kids, is not kind, is very selfish and everything is always about him. He drinks a ton and smokes pot daily. He lied, cheated , has spit in my face, kicked and punched holes in my walls, and why do I stay????? Because I wasn't ready to leave.......
I started alanon full time back in January after many meetings with the therapist. Alanon is where I needed to be. These people understand me. They told me to do nothing for him, but help me. They boosted my self esteem, empowered me to say this is wrong and I deserve better. They helped me see what a dysfunctional life I was living and I didn't have the perfect marriage. (as much as I loved him) Well needless to say 11 months later I am divorcing on October 29 and selling my house November 12. Don't think I didn't try, 34 years together, I tried everything!!
You need to read SR, and go to Alanon meetings. Attend open AA meetings and see what a sober A looks like. EDUCATE yourself to this disease. This will empower you to change with him or without him. You don't need to make any decision yet, you just need to get healthy. Good luck and take care of You!!
When we finally start looking for help, we realize what we are living in is crazy. If you read what you wrote there isn't anything positive in your relationship.
Don't get me wrong, we have all walked in your shoes. My therapist asked me why I stayed. I said I loved him, and she said what else? He doesn't cook, clean, no laundry, doesn't help with kids, is not kind, is very selfish and everything is always about him. He drinks a ton and smokes pot daily. He lied, cheated , has spit in my face, kicked and punched holes in my walls, and why do I stay????? Because I wasn't ready to leave.......
I started alanon full time back in January after many meetings with the therapist. Alanon is where I needed to be. These people understand me. They told me to do nothing for him, but help me. They boosted my self esteem, empowered me to say this is wrong and I deserve better. They helped me see what a dysfunctional life I was living and I didn't have the perfect marriage. (as much as I loved him) Well needless to say 11 months later I am divorcing on October 29 and selling my house November 12. Don't think I didn't try, 34 years together, I tried everything!!
You need to read SR, and go to Alanon meetings. Attend open AA meetings and see what a sober A looks like. EDUCATE yourself to this disease. This will empower you to change with him or without him. You don't need to make any decision yet, you just need to get healthy. Good luck and take care of You!!
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