Not sure what to do now that my son is out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Not sure what to do now that my son is out
My son is not with me or my ex. I have a feeling he will come begging either Saturday or Sunday to come back because he knows his sister comes back on Sun. I haven't heard from him today. It's such a sickening feeling. He is suppose to start his alternative high school next week so he can hopefully graduate. I'm thinking that if he does want to come home that he takes my drug test (American screening) and I set some. VERY strict boundaries with him. First and formost, no drugs, including pot and alcohol in or around my house. No people dropping by. Curfew 1:00pm. 11:00 on weeknights. GET A JOB even though he has no means of transportation. We don't live in a big city. Of course no stealing. Help out with chores. Socialize with family and not hibernate in his basement room all of the time. Attend NA meetings twice a week and continue counseling once a week.
So sounds great but what happens when he screws up? He doesn't just leave when asked. Call cops once again? Parenting sucks and parenting a drug addict is excruciating
So sounds great but what happens when he screws up? He doesn't just leave when asked. Call cops once again? Parenting sucks and parenting a drug addict is excruciating
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
qwer,
I sympathize with your situation. I have a large family and it seems that what has worked for one kid hasn't always worked for another. These are my thoughts.
I think boundries are important. Also, living in a home as a family comes with certain responsibilities like helping around the house, coming in at a reasonable time, letting people know you've left the home, where you're going and when you'll be back, etc. And the biggie, you live in my house so you follow my rules which are the rules of law....no illegal drugs or activity.
Find 1 or 2 things that are really important and stick with those. You'd probably rather he be in school than working.....and a general we follow the rules of law (i.e. no drugs or illegal activity in my home) and we live as a family....not a boarding house or hotel.
I'd had more success when I've engaged the kid in goal setting. That is probably a bridge too far for someone actively addicted. And you need to be prepared and determined to respond when he doesn't follow through.
Sometimes we mothers spend all our time and energy solving the problems of others....or trying to help them problem solve, that we forget ourselves.
qwer
I sympathize with your situation. I have a large family and it seems that what has worked for one kid hasn't always worked for another. These are my thoughts.
I think boundries are important. Also, living in a home as a family comes with certain responsibilities like helping around the house, coming in at a reasonable time, letting people know you've left the home, where you're going and when you'll be back, etc. And the biggie, you live in my house so you follow my rules which are the rules of law....no illegal drugs or activity.
Find 1 or 2 things that are really important and stick with those. You'd probably rather he be in school than working.....and a general we follow the rules of law (i.e. no drugs or illegal activity in my home) and we live as a family....not a boarding house or hotel.
I'd had more success when I've engaged the kid in goal setting. That is probably a bridge too far for someone actively addicted. And you need to be prepared and determined to respond when he doesn't follow through.
Sometimes we mothers spend all our time and energy solving the problems of others....or trying to help them problem solve, that we forget ourselves.
qwer
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Njw...if you think you have a sickening feeling now, how do you think it's going to go if you let him back in your house?
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
It's been my experience and observation that when we allow our addicted loved ones back home, not as they are but how we want them to be, we demonstrate passive aggressive behaviors towards them. They see and experience it, then begin acting out their own passive aggressive behaviors towards us. The same old dance goes on. We're free to step away at any time and or accept them as is. We choose our consequences and rewards.
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Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
Dearest NJW, I have been on the merry go round for 4 years (my son started using Heroin when he was 20) and we have always found that when he comes home, he relapses. Can you look into a sober living environment? They will reinforce the boundaries and your son will be in an environment of people wanting/trying to recover. After three different times of us trying to let our son come home, we both now know (JJ and I) that his living under our roof is the WORST thing for everyone concerned. I know your heartache and that your son is very young. Now would be a great time to let him see what life looks like outside of his bubble at home where he is getting away with the using.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
We also just said no to my 37-year-old son who wanted to stay in our home until he got on his feet. He's been living with his father, off and on, with his wife and two children for 12 years. His dad would not say no to him. His wife is now asking him to move out of a home that her family's been providing. His dad lost his home and lives in an assisted living home at 68 years old. Our son's addiction has drained his dad. His dad has his sister manage his money so he won't give it to our son.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Your list of requirements sounds good to me, but it won't work if he doesn't agree to them wholeheartedly and if you don't have boundaries and consequences you will firmly uphold when he doesn't follow your rules. From previous posts, I doubt he can or will agree seriously to anything at this point. (Watch out for quacking!!) I agree with everyone else here about a sober living situation, or something of his own choosing, which may be the street or the couches of others.
For my daughter, she has chosen homelessness several times because I would not let her live at home until she was very committed to sobriety and had a clear exit plan & date to leave home. She is 21 and now ready (it appears by her actions) to stay clean. She's been clean and in treatment since July 12 and we have just negotiated with her (with the help of a counselor in her rehab) a contract for her to live at home for two months while she attends IOP and counseling. It is a HUGE step for all of us. She began using alcohol at 13 and heroin at 16, so I really understand what you call the excruciating struggles of parenting a young addict. It is indeed a long, long road with our children. My heart goes out to you.
We parents of addicts do struggle in ways other parents might not, and in order to survive, we have to learn new and different ways of parenting. Protecting yourself, your home and especially your other children is essential! Please think seriously about that before you allow him to cross your doorstep.
Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? NarAnon or AlAnon.
For my daughter, she has chosen homelessness several times because I would not let her live at home until she was very committed to sobriety and had a clear exit plan & date to leave home. She is 21 and now ready (it appears by her actions) to stay clean. She's been clean and in treatment since July 12 and we have just negotiated with her (with the help of a counselor in her rehab) a contract for her to live at home for two months while she attends IOP and counseling. It is a HUGE step for all of us. She began using alcohol at 13 and heroin at 16, so I really understand what you call the excruciating struggles of parenting a young addict. It is indeed a long, long road with our children. My heart goes out to you.
We parents of addicts do struggle in ways other parents might not, and in order to survive, we have to learn new and different ways of parenting. Protecting yourself, your home and especially your other children is essential! Please think seriously about that before you allow him to cross your doorstep.
Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? NarAnon or AlAnon.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by GardenMama 
Your list of requirements sounds good to me, but it won't work if he doesn't agree to them wholeheartedly and if you don't have boundaries and consequences you will firmly uphold when he doesn't follow your rules. From previous posts, I doubt he can or will agree seriously to anything at this point. (Watch out for quacking!!) I agree with everyone else here about a sober living situation, or something of his own choosing, which may be the street or the couches of others. For my daughter, she has chosen homelessness several times because I would not let her live at home until she was very committed to sobriety and had a clear exit plan & date to leave home. She is 21 and now ready (it appears by her actions) to stay clean. She's been clean and in treatment since July 12 and we have just negotiated with her (with the help of a counselor in her rehab) a contract for her to live at home for two months while she attends IOP and counseling. It is a HUGE step for all of us. She began using alcohol at 13 and heroin at 16, so I really understand what you call the excruciating struggles of parenting a young addict. It is indeed a long, long road with our children. My heart goes out to you. We parents of addicts do struggle in ways other parents might not, and in order to survive, we have to learn new and different ways of parenting. Protecting yourself, your home and especially your other children is essential! Please think seriously about that before you allow him to cross your doorstep. Have you been to any face-to-face meetings yet? NarAnon or AlAnon.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
We are their parents. We love them.
We understand the vicissitudes of life
and want dearly to protect them from
the competitive realities of the world.
This is a hard thing----we have
to let them face their own
consequences.
It is much easier said than done. I have had
many many relapses.
The right thing to do is sometimes (often)
very very difficult to do.
We wish you well in a very difficult task.
We understand the vicissitudes of life
and want dearly to protect them from
the competitive realities of the world.
This is a hard thing----we have
to let them face their own
consequences.
It is much easier said than done. I have had
many many relapses.
The right thing to do is sometimes (often)
very very difficult to do.
We wish you well in a very difficult task.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
All the posts above say it well. Sometimes I think that my fatal flaw is 'understanding them'; remembering what it was like to be that age...but I don't...I was the codependent in family of origin and immediate family...and they are the addict...the addictions are different and the energy it takes for me to recuperate after a major relapse as I had last year is enormous and getting bigger. I am holding boundaries but the ones that worked with my first addict have been blown by by my third and I am feeling pulled out to sea by the riptide of knowing that she cut contact and that I cannot help her...but I am standing in the gale winds of anxiety and dealing with one minute at a time...doing the best I can...asking God for help and guidance on physical and spiritual bended knee and praying. Sr family helps...naranon which is new to me helps too. Then it is baby steps...because that is all there is for me right now.
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