Update - 4 months.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Update - 4 months.
It's been almost four months and I'm starting to feel like I'm returning to normal. I apologize in advance because I know this is going to jump around a lot while I get it all out of my head.
I've had a couple revelations recently.
I was at a dinner with some old friends a couple weeks ago. One of them had his phone on the table next to me. Face up. And he got a message. I thought to myself, "I wonder when the last time X put his phone face up within my line of sight knowing he was getting a message soon?" I can't remember. And that made me really think, that I don't treat X the way I treat everyone else. Because I could not care less about who was texting my friend and what they were saying. But for X I got to the point where I couldn't stop wondering. I think there's a word for that, and it starts with a C...
Another thing I realized at that same dinner was that each of the men ordered beers. Maybe two each, and with one on the way as I was leaving early. And I knew full well they were each driving themselves home. I kept thinking to myself how uncomfortable I was at that. (Note: one got his first DUI last weekend, so maybe my Spidey-Senses aren't too horribly off, I just have a HUGE blind spot for X?)
Something I've started doing is noticing when I'm uncomfortable when people ask me for things. Because I've started to say no when I have expectations after. Like, if X asked me for money for a bus pass, and I found it actually went to cigarettes and food, I'd be upset. But I shouldn't have lent (ok let's face it, GAVE) money if I couldn't drop my expectation of what it was to be used for. That's just a simple example. But I've started to say No. And guess what? No one has said anything back! No one's told me how mean I've become, or how I used to be so nice and now I've change. Not. One. Person. So it was all in my head that I HAD to do things just because people asked of me.
I've also started letting people do things for me. For example, my co-worker brings me coffee sometimes in the morning. I still keep a mental tally (it's been three times), but I'm not compelled to pay her back on the spot because she was doing something nice for me. That's new to me.
And as for what I'm doing for me: I've actually almost been regularly attending Alanon. By that, I mean I've gone enough that they recognize me enough to not ask if this is my first meeting, ha! The meetings are Monday and Thursday, but aren't until 8:00pm. I get off work at 5:00pm. So I've taken up lap swimming in between. (I live far enough away that if I go home I know I won't want to leave the house again).
I decided to drop my classes this semester, but have every intention of picking them back up in the Summer (spring in my job is too busy for classes). Hopefully I'll stick to that plan.
I'm lucky enough to have a job with lots of downtime this time of year, so I bring my tablet to work and peruse through the SR forums during my breaks.
I've talked to enough people to piece together the last year or so, and have come to realize that most of our relationship while he was home was a lie. And why wouldn't it have been? If he was using, he was probably doing everything in his power to protect that. And I was perfect for him at that time because of that. It's really heartbreaking to see, but it really does make everything make sense. I want to believe that before his use, although he may have been clean and not sober, we did have something real. Maybe I'll never know.
I'm distanced enough from X that I can start to recognize his Quacking (I've come to love the term) and I almost want to say I can accept that, because that is who right now. But maybe I'm just telling myself that.
His 90 days of inpatient treatment is scheduled to end next week. Last I heard a couple weeks ago, he was just getting to Phase 2. So maybe not so much 90 days but however long he needs. (Either treatment or jail time, so I suspect he'll stick with treatment.)
That brings me to the end of my rant. I'm not at the point where I can say I never want to be with X again. I still want to believe that I'm special. He's special. We're special. I know recovery is hard. But I know it can be done. But as I've seen pointed out, I'm only 50% of this equation. If love was enough, it would have happened long before he met me, by someone else. He's an amazing, loveable guy (when he's healthy and sober).
I want to get to a place where I will be ok being without him, and being around him without falling apart. I want to treat him like everyone else again, until he earns more, if he ever does.
On a final note, I would like to say thank you to everyone on SR. I know there have been some forums on the site (maybe not this particular board) about newcomers, and I for one would like to say that there are some users who don't beat around the bush, and they usually say what the back of my brain is yelling at me, it just helps to have someone else say it, too.
I've had a couple revelations recently.
I was at a dinner with some old friends a couple weeks ago. One of them had his phone on the table next to me. Face up. And he got a message. I thought to myself, "I wonder when the last time X put his phone face up within my line of sight knowing he was getting a message soon?" I can't remember. And that made me really think, that I don't treat X the way I treat everyone else. Because I could not care less about who was texting my friend and what they were saying. But for X I got to the point where I couldn't stop wondering. I think there's a word for that, and it starts with a C...
Another thing I realized at that same dinner was that each of the men ordered beers. Maybe two each, and with one on the way as I was leaving early. And I knew full well they were each driving themselves home. I kept thinking to myself how uncomfortable I was at that. (Note: one got his first DUI last weekend, so maybe my Spidey-Senses aren't too horribly off, I just have a HUGE blind spot for X?)
Something I've started doing is noticing when I'm uncomfortable when people ask me for things. Because I've started to say no when I have expectations after. Like, if X asked me for money for a bus pass, and I found it actually went to cigarettes and food, I'd be upset. But I shouldn't have lent (ok let's face it, GAVE) money if I couldn't drop my expectation of what it was to be used for. That's just a simple example. But I've started to say No. And guess what? No one has said anything back! No one's told me how mean I've become, or how I used to be so nice and now I've change. Not. One. Person. So it was all in my head that I HAD to do things just because people asked of me.
I've also started letting people do things for me. For example, my co-worker brings me coffee sometimes in the morning. I still keep a mental tally (it's been three times), but I'm not compelled to pay her back on the spot because she was doing something nice for me. That's new to me.
And as for what I'm doing for me: I've actually almost been regularly attending Alanon. By that, I mean I've gone enough that they recognize me enough to not ask if this is my first meeting, ha! The meetings are Monday and Thursday, but aren't until 8:00pm. I get off work at 5:00pm. So I've taken up lap swimming in between. (I live far enough away that if I go home I know I won't want to leave the house again).
I decided to drop my classes this semester, but have every intention of picking them back up in the Summer (spring in my job is too busy for classes). Hopefully I'll stick to that plan.
I'm lucky enough to have a job with lots of downtime this time of year, so I bring my tablet to work and peruse through the SR forums during my breaks.
I've talked to enough people to piece together the last year or so, and have come to realize that most of our relationship while he was home was a lie. And why wouldn't it have been? If he was using, he was probably doing everything in his power to protect that. And I was perfect for him at that time because of that. It's really heartbreaking to see, but it really does make everything make sense. I want to believe that before his use, although he may have been clean and not sober, we did have something real. Maybe I'll never know.
I'm distanced enough from X that I can start to recognize his Quacking (I've come to love the term) and I almost want to say I can accept that, because that is who right now. But maybe I'm just telling myself that.
His 90 days of inpatient treatment is scheduled to end next week. Last I heard a couple weeks ago, he was just getting to Phase 2. So maybe not so much 90 days but however long he needs. (Either treatment or jail time, so I suspect he'll stick with treatment.)
That brings me to the end of my rant. I'm not at the point where I can say I never want to be with X again. I still want to believe that I'm special. He's special. We're special. I know recovery is hard. But I know it can be done. But as I've seen pointed out, I'm only 50% of this equation. If love was enough, it would have happened long before he met me, by someone else. He's an amazing, loveable guy (when he's healthy and sober).
I want to get to a place where I will be ok being without him, and being around him without falling apart. I want to treat him like everyone else again, until he earns more, if he ever does.
On a final note, I would like to say thank you to everyone on SR. I know there have been some forums on the site (maybe not this particular board) about newcomers, and I for one would like to say that there are some users who don't beat around the bush, and they usually say what the back of my brain is yelling at me, it just helps to have someone else say it, too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, thanks for the update. I think it's great that you are taking some time to think through the patterns that you fell into with him and the lessons you've learned. In the three years since I broke up with my AXBF, I too have become more aware of how often I said yes when I wanted to say no, and how often I avoided people and conflict when I thought I might have to say no. I've begun to see those situations as an opportunity, to be present and set boundaries. It's amazing how well many people take no when it's said kindly but firmly!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Thanks, everyone, although now I feel embarassed and that I posted this too soon.
I found that X was caught with his cell phone in Rehab. I'm only suprised that it took this long (about a month). I was told he also had it paid up through the end of the year. I'm guessing he got a girl to do that for him. (Not me this time!) I guess his counselor told the family he is disappointed in them for not saying something. But isn't rehab his circus, and X is his monkey? Shouldn't they be keeping an eye on their own residents? Anyways, I wasn't calling or texting him anyways, I just hope they don't kick him out, because his next stop is jail, for a "significant amount of time" which I doubt will give him the sort of treatment he needs. He did lose priveliges for 30 days.
I was also told that X hooked up with a girl since he's been there, and had a pregnancy scare. That one hurt. If he wasn't even sleeping with his girlfriend, why does he get with A, B, and C, now?
Compacted with that, I went to a passion party on Friday and it made me sad. I was the only single girl there. TMI but we only had sex like 12 times before we stopped, and he's the only person I've been with. So when all the girls are oohing and aahing about all the flashy items, I kind of just sat there blushing. I don't have the experience or the need for anything there. I felt like I was in high school again and was invited to group dates and was the only single person there. And the thought of being with anyone right now grosses me out, because 1) I know I'm not ready and 2) I can't get X out of my heart yet.
And my birthday is on Monday. My 26th birthday and I've only spent one with a significant other. My two best friends are both on Baby No. 2, happily married, and I'm just here. I'm on the "career track" they call it because I don't want kids for a few years, but I do want a relationship. I just can't jump on the first chance because I'm scared of picking the same person. And if I do that, I might as well stick around for X. Well, that's my thought anyways. I'm sure it's wrong.
It's been a low couple of days. And I think it was the party more than info about X. I really do, because I know we're not together and he can and will do whatever and whomever he wants. My heart is just sad for him.
Sorry for the whining. I was feeling so great last week.
I found that X was caught with his cell phone in Rehab. I'm only suprised that it took this long (about a month). I was told he also had it paid up through the end of the year. I'm guessing he got a girl to do that for him. (Not me this time!) I guess his counselor told the family he is disappointed in them for not saying something. But isn't rehab his circus, and X is his monkey? Shouldn't they be keeping an eye on their own residents? Anyways, I wasn't calling or texting him anyways, I just hope they don't kick him out, because his next stop is jail, for a "significant amount of time" which I doubt will give him the sort of treatment he needs. He did lose priveliges for 30 days.
I was also told that X hooked up with a girl since he's been there, and had a pregnancy scare. That one hurt. If he wasn't even sleeping with his girlfriend, why does he get with A, B, and C, now?
Compacted with that, I went to a passion party on Friday and it made me sad. I was the only single girl there. TMI but we only had sex like 12 times before we stopped, and he's the only person I've been with. So when all the girls are oohing and aahing about all the flashy items, I kind of just sat there blushing. I don't have the experience or the need for anything there. I felt like I was in high school again and was invited to group dates and was the only single person there. And the thought of being with anyone right now grosses me out, because 1) I know I'm not ready and 2) I can't get X out of my heart yet.
And my birthday is on Monday. My 26th birthday and I've only spent one with a significant other. My two best friends are both on Baby No. 2, happily married, and I'm just here. I'm on the "career track" they call it because I don't want kids for a few years, but I do want a relationship. I just can't jump on the first chance because I'm scared of picking the same person. And if I do that, I might as well stick around for X. Well, that's my thought anyways. I'm sure it's wrong.
It's been a low couple of days. And I think it was the party more than info about X. I really do, because I know we're not together and he can and will do whatever and whomever he wants. My heart is just sad for him.
Sorry for the whining. I was feeling so great last week.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Sweetie, you are really coming down hard on yourself and may want to think about that (said with love in my heart). It's okay to be single, you really are young enough to enjoy life without all the responsibilities of married life.
Love will come, but first maybe work on your self esteem. You don't need anyone else to fulfill yourself, "you" hold the key to your happiness and you have choices and can be about as happy as you choose to be.
Maybe some meetings would help, or finding a hobby and joining a group that shares the same interests you do. It would let you be with people in a neutral and safe environment, doing something you enjoy and not based on "partnerships". Take a course, join a club, be with people....even if you don't feel like it. I promise it will help.
You are a wonderful person worthy of love. The healthier you are when it comes, the more likely the "happy ever after" may be.
Hugs
Love will come, but first maybe work on your self esteem. You don't need anyone else to fulfill yourself, "you" hold the key to your happiness and you have choices and can be about as happy as you choose to be.
Maybe some meetings would help, or finding a hobby and joining a group that shares the same interests you do. It would let you be with people in a neutral and safe environment, doing something you enjoy and not based on "partnerships". Take a course, join a club, be with people....even if you don't feel like it. I promise it will help.
You are a wonderful person worthy of love. The healthier you are when it comes, the more likely the "happy ever after" may be.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Aurora, I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling down. I don't think you should feel embarrassed or like this is a setback. It's totally normal to have ups and downs! If you manage to keep your perspective on things and put yourself first even when you're down, that is certainly a sign of recovery in my book! And it does sound like you are staying realistic about what's going on with him and remembering how important it is to give yourself a little time to process and figure out how to choose someone less troubled next time. Would it help to tell people that you don't want to know the latest gossip on him? I can see why that would be tough. And good for you for wanting to establish a career while you're young! You have plenty of time for marriage and babies, and having a way to support yourself will be a help in so many ways in the future. Hugs!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
