Snowbunting's Sobriety Journal
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Snowbunting's Sobriety Journal
So I noticed that it seems to be okay to start journal-style threads here in Newcomers, and I'm thinking it might help me, so I might mutter away to myself here if that's all right?
I'm approaching the end of Day 7. I've known I have an alcohol problem for a couple of years now. I first quit in spring 2013 and was sober for around three months, but I relapased that summer. The following months were very difficult (for non-alcohol-related reasons), and I was back to using wine as my emotional crutch.
I wised up again in May this year, and since then have been making some efforts - though clearly not enough - to quit. I spent the summer hopping on and off the wagon as if I had some kind of tourist discount pass. A lot of people would say - and perhaps they're right - that this happened because I didn't join a programme that would make me accountable. Personally I think the main reason happened because I wasn't ready to face up properly to the fact that quitting is the only option I have left. I knew I had a problem, but tried hard convincing myself not to care.
I'm ready now. I had considered going to AA but for now I've decided against it in favour of AVRT, as I think it suits my outlook and personality more; it's working for me at the moment. I love AA chips though, and carry the 24 hour one in my pocket. I have a 1 month chip waiting in my drawer that I'm working towards
I suppose I'd like to have somewhere just to come and write down whatever's in my head, as well as activities I've been doing since choosing sobriety. Today I went swimming, lit a halloween candle, cooked a ridiculously healthy and tasty dinner, and got picked up and twirled around in the street by my husband (this doesn't happen too often!), so it's been a pretty good day. Right now I'm focusing purely on self-care. As I progress, I will look to add some goals and aspirations and start being productive in different ways. But a mistake I've made in the past is to expect too much too soon. This time, I'm slowing it down. If I can reach the end of the day feeling reasonably content, knowing that I've looked after myself, that is enough for me at this stage
I'm approaching the end of Day 7. I've known I have an alcohol problem for a couple of years now. I first quit in spring 2013 and was sober for around three months, but I relapased that summer. The following months were very difficult (for non-alcohol-related reasons), and I was back to using wine as my emotional crutch.
I wised up again in May this year, and since then have been making some efforts - though clearly not enough - to quit. I spent the summer hopping on and off the wagon as if I had some kind of tourist discount pass. A lot of people would say - and perhaps they're right - that this happened because I didn't join a programme that would make me accountable. Personally I think the main reason happened because I wasn't ready to face up properly to the fact that quitting is the only option I have left. I knew I had a problem, but tried hard convincing myself not to care.
I'm ready now. I had considered going to AA but for now I've decided against it in favour of AVRT, as I think it suits my outlook and personality more; it's working for me at the moment. I love AA chips though, and carry the 24 hour one in my pocket. I have a 1 month chip waiting in my drawer that I'm working towards
I suppose I'd like to have somewhere just to come and write down whatever's in my head, as well as activities I've been doing since choosing sobriety. Today I went swimming, lit a halloween candle, cooked a ridiculously healthy and tasty dinner, and got picked up and twirled around in the street by my husband (this doesn't happen too often!), so it's been a pretty good day. Right now I'm focusing purely on self-care. As I progress, I will look to add some goals and aspirations and start being productive in different ways. But a mistake I've made in the past is to expect too much too soon. This time, I'm slowing it down. If I can reach the end of the day feeling reasonably content, knowing that I've looked after myself, that is enough for me at this stage
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Join Date: Aug 2003
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7 days is great and good for you for recognizing that slow and steady is the way to go. Expectations can lead to disappointment. Allow yourself the time to need to get used to your new life.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Thanks for the support, you lovely people
Day 9 here, and feeling pretty good. Yesterday I planted a corkscrew hazel and a purple hellebore in my garden, and laughed as my newest cat chased stones that I threw into the field. I like going to bed early these days and immersing myself in the book I'm reading. I like the feeling of calm and security that comes with not having to watch the clock to see if I'll need more wine before the shop closes, then having to hike there under the stars in the dark. Today I went for a lovely walk with my husband, taking in an ancient stone circle and a lovely pine forest. We popped into a garden centre for something, and Father Christmas had thrown up in there - it was wonderfully, disgustingly festive, with a shiny red mini full of presents, a giant tree covered in top hats, dancing baby penguins, and a model winter wonderland village with mechanised little villagers skating and singing. Fabulous
This all sounds super positive, but that is a pattern with me. Once I get out of the Day 3 - 5 danger zone, I'm usually fine until Day 13-17; for some reason I'm weak around that time. It's not that I feel great and decide I can *totally* moderate this time around, or that I have *definitely* earned the right to have a boozy evening. It's more that when I get to that stage, I start finding reasons not to care about my drinking problem. I start telling myself it's just who I am, and that I should stop trying to change who I am.
I'm so familiar with these thought processes, but they still make me so nervous. The AV can make me feel powerless. I'm so happy when it's not there, but when it starts echoing in my skull, I start to behave like an automaton. My AV is the ultimate svengali. In fact, that's what I'm going to start calling it from now on.
Svengali, n. A person who exercises a controlling or mesmeric influence on another, especially for a sinister purpose.
I'm really going to use what I've learned from AVRT when I hear the AV pipe up. I'm preparing myself for battle.
Day 9 here, and feeling pretty good. Yesterday I planted a corkscrew hazel and a purple hellebore in my garden, and laughed as my newest cat chased stones that I threw into the field. I like going to bed early these days and immersing myself in the book I'm reading. I like the feeling of calm and security that comes with not having to watch the clock to see if I'll need more wine before the shop closes, then having to hike there under the stars in the dark. Today I went for a lovely walk with my husband, taking in an ancient stone circle and a lovely pine forest. We popped into a garden centre for something, and Father Christmas had thrown up in there - it was wonderfully, disgustingly festive, with a shiny red mini full of presents, a giant tree covered in top hats, dancing baby penguins, and a model winter wonderland village with mechanised little villagers skating and singing. Fabulous
This all sounds super positive, but that is a pattern with me. Once I get out of the Day 3 - 5 danger zone, I'm usually fine until Day 13-17; for some reason I'm weak around that time. It's not that I feel great and decide I can *totally* moderate this time around, or that I have *definitely* earned the right to have a boozy evening. It's more that when I get to that stage, I start finding reasons not to care about my drinking problem. I start telling myself it's just who I am, and that I should stop trying to change who I am.
I'm so familiar with these thought processes, but they still make me so nervous. The AV can make me feel powerless. I'm so happy when it's not there, but when it starts echoing in my skull, I start to behave like an automaton. My AV is the ultimate svengali. In fact, that's what I'm going to start calling it from now on.
Svengali, n. A person who exercises a controlling or mesmeric influence on another, especially for a sinister purpose.
I'm really going to use what I've learned from AVRT when I hear the AV pipe up. I'm preparing myself for battle.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Washington D.C.
Posts: 30
Snowbunting, I'm looking forward to following your posts. You have such a joy for life, I can't wait to read all of the exciting things you do with your sobriety. Thank you for letting us share in it.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Thanks for the comments guys
Day 12 today. On Sunday (Day 10), we'd intended to climb a local mountain, but ended up flailing about in bog for about an hour and having to retreat when my husband fell in a ditch up to his knees and had to be pulled out. He was completely soaked. How we laughed...
Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in about a year, and felt really relaxed afterwards. I also made some spooky halloween jars - filled with brambles, feathers etc that I'd spray-painted black, moss, and cardboard gravestones and the like. I don't usually go in much for crafts, but I'm festive by nature and love Halloween especially - and it's good to do something with your hands, that requires concentration but doesn't make too many demands of the intellect. As I said before, slow and steady wins the race. I'm not going to get too ambitious too soon. I'm sort of hoping at the moment that in a few months, I'll feel ready to knuckle down to some writing again. But I'm going to be patient with myself.
I'm on the cusp of a time when I have frequently just given up before and got drunk - around the two week mark seems to be dangerous for me. I don't *feel* in danger, and the AV has been pretty quiet for the last ten days or so. But I know to be extra-vigilant in the week head. Today I woke up naturally - no alarm - at 7am and felt full of energy. That in itself is a gift.
Day 12 today. On Sunday (Day 10), we'd intended to climb a local mountain, but ended up flailing about in bog for about an hour and having to retreat when my husband fell in a ditch up to his knees and had to be pulled out. He was completely soaked. How we laughed...
Yesterday I did yoga for the first time in about a year, and felt really relaxed afterwards. I also made some spooky halloween jars - filled with brambles, feathers etc that I'd spray-painted black, moss, and cardboard gravestones and the like. I don't usually go in much for crafts, but I'm festive by nature and love Halloween especially - and it's good to do something with your hands, that requires concentration but doesn't make too many demands of the intellect. As I said before, slow and steady wins the race. I'm not going to get too ambitious too soon. I'm sort of hoping at the moment that in a few months, I'll feel ready to knuckle down to some writing again. But I'm going to be patient with myself.
I'm on the cusp of a time when I have frequently just given up before and got drunk - around the two week mark seems to be dangerous for me. I don't *feel* in danger, and the AV has been pretty quiet for the last ten days or so. But I know to be extra-vigilant in the week head. Today I woke up naturally - no alarm - at 7am and felt full of energy. That in itself is a gift.
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Join Date: Jun 2014
Posts: 1,869
Hello Snowbunting. I love your avatar. What is it? A weasel or a ferret?
I am with you with the AVRT. It seems like you have your AV pinpointed. If what you want is a place for accountability, this is a great place. Nobody will ever put me down for relapsing because we have all been there, but having this community makes me feel like there is a group I can respond to. People who understand.
You sound so well! I love that you enjoy the every moments of life. Your cat being silly, the woods. Love it! You sound like a beautiful person and I am proud of you for wanting to make your life what you want it to be! That's what is took for me.
Welcome to SR! We can do this!
I am with you with the AVRT. It seems like you have your AV pinpointed. If what you want is a place for accountability, this is a great place. Nobody will ever put me down for relapsing because we have all been there, but having this community makes me feel like there is a group I can respond to. People who understand.
You sound so well! I love that you enjoy the every moments of life. Your cat being silly, the woods. Love it! You sound like a beautiful person and I am proud of you for wanting to make your life what you want it to be! That's what is took for me.
Welcome to SR! We can do this!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Almost right Ru12, it's a weasel with his white winter coat on
Nowsthetime - thanks so much for your kind words, I'm really touched
It's lovely that people are commenting about my joie de vivre - it certainly hasn't always been like that for me. Being sober helps enormously with attitude-formation of course, and there is a childlike side of me that's never too far from the surface; but I'm also on medication for anxiety/depression, and I think it's really, really working. The darkness and fear I've been living with has almost evaporated.
So, today is Day 14. I'm still on track and doing well. After writing my Day 12 post, I went and planted two climbing roses in my garden. My cat continued to act the maggot, as they say in Ireland. After posting this I'm going out to plant some anemone bulbs, and to reseed my (patchy, seven week old) lawn. In the past year I've transformed my garden from a gravel desert to a green haven. I'm now at the really rewarding stage of choosing and planting different things, which I've really earned after a year of shovelling gravel I'm glad that this creative stage coincides with my sobriety. I have so much to look forward to as things I've planted start to (hopefully) come alive, from snow drops in midwinter, to a whole multitude of things from spring through summer.
Yesterday I did my morning volunteer archive work, then headed into the city for some shopping. Continuing with my self-care drive, I treated myself to the following:
- a Christmas selection of Yogi teas, with 12 flavours, many of which I've never tried
- Two soaps, a bath bomb, and some rather amusing shower jelly from Lush (a lovely specialist cruelty-free soap shop I've always wanted visit, but until now never have, because until recently I only ever wanted to spend my money on cigarettes and alcohol)
- a coconut Yankee candle
- some Halloween-themed socks
- a model 1930s ice cream van
I am a big kid when I'm sober - shoot me
While in town I noticed the amount of people chatting over coffees and cakes - I always notice and marvel at them, because my default meeting place has always been the pub, and if I had some time to kill I'd never want to waste it at a cafe when I could be at a pub. I've spent so many afternoons while in town just putting away pint after pint in a dark corner of some old tavern instead of living and looking after myself. I'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. But there will always be a small part of me that whispers 'you could, you know'. Ah, but that thought 'brings the priest and the doctor / In their long coats / Running over the fields', to abuse a line from Philip Larkin.
That's all for now. I'll be two weeks sober tomorrow! Stay safe everyone
Nowsthetime - thanks so much for your kind words, I'm really touched
It's lovely that people are commenting about my joie de vivre - it certainly hasn't always been like that for me. Being sober helps enormously with attitude-formation of course, and there is a childlike side of me that's never too far from the surface; but I'm also on medication for anxiety/depression, and I think it's really, really working. The darkness and fear I've been living with has almost evaporated.So, today is Day 14. I'm still on track and doing well. After writing my Day 12 post, I went and planted two climbing roses in my garden. My cat continued to act the maggot, as they say in Ireland. After posting this I'm going out to plant some anemone bulbs, and to reseed my (patchy, seven week old) lawn. In the past year I've transformed my garden from a gravel desert to a green haven. I'm now at the really rewarding stage of choosing and planting different things, which I've really earned after a year of shovelling gravel
I'm glad that this creative stage coincides with my sobriety. I have so much to look forward to as things I've planted start to (hopefully) come alive, from snow drops in midwinter, to a whole multitude of things from spring through summer.Yesterday I did my morning volunteer archive work, then headed into the city for some shopping. Continuing with my self-care drive, I treated myself to the following:
- a Christmas selection of Yogi teas, with 12 flavours, many of which I've never tried
- Two soaps, a bath bomb, and some rather amusing shower jelly from Lush (a lovely specialist cruelty-free soap shop I've always wanted visit, but until now never have, because until recently I only ever wanted to spend my money on cigarettes and alcohol)
- a coconut Yankee candle
- some Halloween-themed socks
- a model 1930s ice cream van
I am a big kid when I'm sober - shoot me
While in town I noticed the amount of people chatting over coffees and cakes - I always notice and marvel at them, because my default meeting place has always been the pub, and if I had some time to kill I'd never want to waste it at a cafe when I could be at a pub. I've spent so many afternoons while in town just putting away pint after pint in a dark corner of some old tavern instead of living and looking after myself. I'm glad I'm not doing that anymore. But there will always be a small part of me that whispers 'you could, you know'. Ah, but that thought 'brings the priest and the doctor / In their long coats / Running over the fields', to abuse a line from Philip Larkin. That's all for now. I'll be two weeks sober tomorrow! Stay safe everyone
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Northampton
Posts: 97
I found the buildup of time up worked against me because it's anchored in the past (with all that shame and guilt). I decided that I shall forgive myself from day 1 and the rest is adjusting to this strange new world which I've been born into. From that stance I sallied forth and fell flat on my face. Okay, so that hurt but what possessed me to pick up again??? I deduce it was because I didn't want to get well. I felt naked and vulnerable.
It is that which I fear most is what I seek, to be in relationship. Alcohol kills and it isn't pain but hope. I need to free my hope from drunkenness because they became entwined but they are opposite. It is only in my alcoholic mind they co-exist.
What I thought was hope was actually lies I told myself to protect myself from being hurt.
Real hope isn't about pain, it's about love, I've learnt.
It is that which I fear most is what I seek, to be in relationship. Alcohol kills and it isn't pain but hope. I need to free my hope from drunkenness because they became entwined but they are opposite. It is only in my alcoholic mind they co-exist.
What I thought was hope was actually lies I told myself to protect myself from being hurt.
Real hope isn't about pain, it's about love, I've learnt.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: Scotland
Posts: 379
Thank you all for your comments. I just used the bath bomb I bought, holy macaroni it was amazing. It turned the bath into a swirling night sky, before settling down to a cloudless deep purple night time full of glittering stars. It was a terrific way to mark my completion of two weeks sober this evening. I must buy many, many more of them.
Something I find that's helping me is giving myself little things, like the above, to look forward to throughout the day, and the week. It's a good way to stay in the moment and not worry too much about the past or future, and to remind myself that I deserve these things. It's also helping to rewire my brain's faulty reward system - obviously this rewiring will take many months or years rather than a couple of weeks, but I feel the benefits of this method already. I'm replacing the instant - but fleeting, nightmarish, and destructive - 'reward' of alcohol with more meaningful, longer-lasting rewards that nurture me and reduce rather than amplify my anxiety. It's great, I 100% would recommend
Something I find that's helping me is giving myself little things, like the above, to look forward to throughout the day, and the week. It's a good way to stay in the moment and not worry too much about the past or future, and to remind myself that I deserve these things. It's also helping to rewire my brain's faulty reward system - obviously this rewiring will take many months or years rather than a couple of weeks, but I feel the benefits of this method already. I'm replacing the instant - but fleeting, nightmarish, and destructive - 'reward' of alcohol with more meaningful, longer-lasting rewards that nurture me and reduce rather than amplify my anxiety. It's great, I 100% would recommend
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