sosadandhurt

I posted this as a reply to Redheadsusie, but just wondering what you all think the solution is. I have learned so much here on SR and would love your feedback.

I know you say that maybe nobody else will love you, but I don't think that is really it. I am in the same shoes you are in. My thoughts are more on the line of, how do you live a normal life and will anyone put up with the way I am now? Not necessarily if they will love me, but how do you move on to a so called normal life and not take this BS with you. I guess, what I am trying to say is, I feel like I would always be looking for the **** to hit the fan, even though that probably wouldn't happen.How do you get back to not just waiting for the BS. I honestly feel that I would not be a good partner to someone because of what I have been through with the AB. How do you return to normal. I am not sure that you can. I can live alone, but can I ever really live with someone else again. I don't know!!!!And the way I feel, is that, would it even be fair to someone new to live with me now. I don't know if that makes any sense, but it is how I feel.

FeelingGreat

ssah, time really is the best healer. Try not to talk to yourself in absolutes 'I will never live a normal life', 'no-one will ever love me' etc.
It's true you haven't been living a normal life, but given the circumstances that's just survival mode. It doesn't necessarily mean you'd take that into a normal relationship.

lillamy

Same way you get through any trauma, grief, or disappointment: One day at a time. Sometimes, ten minutes at a time.

For me, it's been like this: At first, I woke up every morning waiting for the other shoe to drop. And when it didn't, I had one more day when the universe didn't kick me in the stomach to add to my experiences. Every day, another day gets added. And pretty soon, you wake up thinking "maybe the other shoe won't drop today" And after a while, you wake up and think "look at that beautiful sunrise! Today is going to be a good day."

Of course, when you have 20 years of increased anxiety and alcoholic dysfunction in your baggage, it'll take you a while. But I feel like the more recent experiences weigh heavier on the scale, and it's taken a shorter time to build a trust in the universe again.

As for the man I'm now married to, he's had to be very patient with me. Initially, I gave him so many opportunities to leave -- not because I wanted him to, but because like you, I really didn't think anyone could love me in the state I was in. He stayed. And so he's shown me, day by day, that he is trustworthy. He doesn't buy me flowers and diamonds. He holds me when I cry and he fills up my car when he notices the gas is running low. (Which, you know, is sort of like buying me diamonds, that last thing. )

I don't think there's a shortcut here. I think you just have to get through it and build yourself up, day by day.