erin8

So I've been trying to trace my steps, I guess, and figure out where all this crap started, then today I remembered some of my old poetry. This one stands out the most at the moment.
Part I

I was not meant
To lead a happy life
As a happy little girl.
I was damned to be
Alone.
I find content on occasion
Or find myself
Too close
For comfort.
I need more
Than a little help.
But we all say that now.
We're all lonely now.
I feel like I'm trapped
Within my own
Cell
Of imaginary walls
Boundries that do not exist
Should not keep so well!
But the face of the clock
That hangs on the wall
Is broken.
I broke it.
And all the time
We're spending here
Is wasted!
And all the words we say
Are just wasted breath.
Idle conversation
That doesn't mean ****.
And I'm tired
Of going through the motions
Pretending I'm not dead
Cause you know
When you have depression
You're only alive on the outside.
I can't remember how it happened
But I know I'll never be satisfied.
I'm trying to cope
With this **** on my own
But I can't.
Life can be mean
And words hurt the most
When you're down to nothing
But idle conversation
******* idle conversation.
And I'm tired
Of the same thing
Everyday
But too afraid to change
Again
Going through the motions
s e l f m e d i c a t i o n
Smoke away the anger
And drown the pain
In vodka

Part II

Vodka's gone
Poured down the sink
Too many nights
Did the two of us drink.
I'm ashamed.
I use to have goals
I had, not dreams,
But plans!

I'm trying though

Little steps
Like a job
And seeing old friends.
But that only takes you so far!
Fun habits are hard to break
One breath: Time wasted
Next: Fun
It's hard to put all these thoughts
In one.
To love what never was
And miss what cannot be
Cherish little moments
Because soon it will all end
It always ends
In misery.
Love and drugs
To loving drugs
To drugs that "make me void"
I can't keep my head on straight
And I still don't have a voice.
And I still don't have a choice.
You've given me no choice
But to feel this way
I feel so strange
I knew I never should have changed
I take it back
You aren't to blame
Stop!
I was not meant to lead a happy life
As a happy little girl
Nor should I be alone.
I don't have the strength.
But what I'm trying to say
Is
I think you can help me.



I have others online. My name is Jaded Ireland on this site. I was about 17 or 18 when I wrote this

Dee74

thanks for sharing that with us Erin.

I really hope you no longer feel you're not meant to be happy though?

D

PurpleKnight

Thanks for sharing Erin!!

For me alcohol became a "cell", doing the same thing over and over each day, but I do think we all deserve to be happy, all of us have it in us to achieve it somehow!!

erin8

I still have hope that I might be happy one day. But for a long long time now I've felt like I don't deserve it. We'll see I guess.

Dee74

I felt that way too.

My perceptions changed when I put the bottle down. I'm sure you'll find the same, erin

D