stella27

Several times lately, I have over-reacted and become defensive when people were only trying to be helpful.

What's up with this?

The first time was when a man I really like as more-than-friends introduced me to a lady he thought I would like and told me that they had been out a few times. He wanted me to meet her because we had a lot in common as single moms and she lives nearby.

I was offended. Mostly because he's dating her and didn't realize that I don't want to hang out with him and his girlfriends. But I was offended that he thought I needed the help of some stranger.

Today, my dad offered to call one of his friends so I could talk about something work-related, and I don't WANT to call his friend. I don't have time to and I don't think I need to. Like basically I think I can handle my own affairs.

And I got offended and wasn't particularly nice.

I don't know why I can't appreciate other people trying to do nice things for me just because they aren't what I want. Am I some kind of control freak? Please advise.

Blossom717

We all have bad days ::hugs::

Count to 10!

ResignedToWait

That doesn't sound like people trying to help you...that sounds like people trying to find other people to help you! I'd be annoyed too.

lillamy

I'm sorry, Stella, but this made me laugh. Because it sounds so much like me.

One of the most humbling and gratifying thing I've learned is to ask for and accept help. For me, I think it was partly that for so many years, I was it. I was holding up the family facade that I wanted the outside to see; and on the inside, I was patting myself on the back that I could handle it all. So that was part of it. It made me feel good to not need help. It made me feel strong and powerful and like a worthwhile human being.

But part of it was also control. Sort of like a general contractor who does everything himself because he doesn't trust that the contractors will do a good enough job. Or something. It really was like I thought the world would fall apart if I asked for, or accepted, help in any way.

The way the voice in my head went was something like this: "So he doesn't think I'm capable of making friends on my own? He thinks I'm this sad little thing who just sits around the house hoping that someone will knock on my door and ask me to be their friend?" or "So my dad thinks I'm incapable of handling this myself? That's ridiculous. I'm going to show him."

I think I was afraid that people were pitying me. Someone said to me at one point, "By insisting on doing everything yourself, you're robbing your friends of the opportunity to be blessings to you."

Thinking about it like that made it easier for me to ask for help. Like I was giving people an opportunity to show their love and generosity to me, like helping me was doing something good for them, too. That appealed to my codependent nature.

MissFixit

Maybe you don't want to feel like someone's project. Maybe you don't want to be someone's project.

As adults you do not have to be friends with the guy you have a crush on if he is dating others. Your choice.

stella27

I think I want to pick and choose what I need help with rather than have other people looking at me and saying "I think you need help with X" when I didn't hire them to diagnose or evaluate me.

I definitely don't want to be pitied. I was not kind to my dad when he offered his help in a way that I didn't want it.

I'm not handling being friends with this guy I really like as more and that's become evident to me. I am constantly scared that when I spend time with him, I will just grow more attached while he clearly doesn't have any romantic interest in me. Being around him is like hanging out near a hot stove that I have touched and been burned by.

Don't keep touching it.

I don't like feeling all crazy and out of control.

daisy6234

Some days other people's "advice" is so overwhelming. No matter how well intentioned. Other days it can be handled.

FireSprite

IDK - I think it depends on the circumstances around when the help was offered.... if it's fully unsolicited & someone is just jumping in with their opinions of what I need, it's offensive.

OTOH, if I'm sharing my troubles & they are trying to help me find solutions or offering resources in a non-forceful way, then (on some level) it may be my fault if I take it personally. I know that I would not just call up a friend & say "here's what you need....." but if they were sharing their troubles with me & I knew of something that I *thought* could help them I would offer it without any pressure or expectation - if they don't WANT the info they can choose to ignore it.

In the case of your man friend it gets more complicated. Until this incident he wasn't even aware that you had "more than friends" feelings for him so I can't fault him for not being able to read your mind. I'll be honest, if a friend of mine introduced me to another person they knew that had common interests & enough in common to become friends, I would likely welcome the opportunity. I don't think introducing you to someone he thought you would like as a friend is insinuating that you need any kind of help necessarily though? I think you're perceiving it differently because it was coming from HIM & I wonder if maybe, just maybe, there's a part of you that had expectations that once he WAS aware of your feelings, he'd return them. Maybe when it comes to him specifically, your feelings are getting in the way?

stella27

I wish that everybody wanted to help me by finding me a strong, rich, handsome, caring, loving man who wanted to move in with me and help me raise my children.

Firesprite, I think my feelings for him are definitely getting in the way. It was his trying to help me by introducing me to HER and me getting so upset that prompted me to tell him the truth about my feelings for him.

I definitely had a hope that he would have returned my feelings, but I think we are just friends by his estimation and so now I am in a position of deciding how much time I can spend with him getting more and more attached to him and an idea of something that probably isn't happening.

Trying to be friends with him is probably not going to work and I am trying to figure out how to manage that or if it can be managed given my feelings.