Butterfly

I realised last week while he was away how relaxed and free I felt but then the night I knew he was due to come back my anxiety came back. Still I was feeling Okish and although I wanted to text him I didn't until last night. A friend contacted me and told me that her ex told her information and how my separated AH loved it!! To me the information sounded as though he had been with other women. I immediately rang him I was so upset and crying he said nothing happened with any other woman and all he did was drink all day and how I never needed to worry that he would do anything like that!! I was so upset, he began to tell me he had a brilliant time and that hurt so I quickly ended the call and haven't contacted him since!!

I feel so foolish for reacting so impulsively, hurt and upset that he was able to go away on holiday as if he doesn't have a care in the world then he tells me he had a brilliant time, he says some really hurtful things it's as if he just doesn't think or doesn't care! I find myself asking all the questions again, how could he just walk away after everything he said and promised yes I know that I will never get the answers I need or want and I keep telling myself there is no point asking questions like this.

I just feel that I go a few days and feel ok then I hit rock bottom. I have spent most of today crying and I honestly don't think I can cope with much more.

hopeful4

The more you stay involved with his life, the more hurt you are. I am sorry.

XXX

SparkleKitty

I know it's hard to believe but this really is what recovery looks like. No one ever said we didn't fall down a lot. It is not the falling that matters. It's the getting back up.

Butterfly

I have asked my friend on many many occasions to not tell me anything her ex tells her about he or my AH gets up to as it upsets me. I am better when I don't know anything but she keeps telling me things, sending me texts messages. I told her again last night I didn't want to know anything. I don't understand why she keeps telling me things when she knows it hurts me

SparkleKitty

Block her, or if that is too much, stop responding to the texts about AH. If you want to stop someone's behavior, stop feeding them.

happybeingme

My guess is she likes the drama. Why else would she also be in continuing contact with her ex? You deserve much better than a friend like that. Firmly set a boundary with her. No mention of the AH or you will hang up or not respond to her texts

Butterfly

I don't respond I ignore the texts but when she sends them and I've started reading them half way through it will turn into information abut AH and then of course I keep reading even though I know it will upset me. I have to try and train myself that when I get to that point I delete the message!!

Santa

I would tell her - just once - that if she keeps texting you with information about AH that you are going to block her. And then follow through if she does it again.

You also need to understand that many "freed" alcoholic men will party - for awhile. Mine was happy as a rat in swiss cheese for about 2 years. Then it went downhill pretty quickly and, 3+ years after divorce, no job (fired for drinking at work) and thus no new women, guess who started quacking around again?

When you call him crying and jealous, he's loving it. STOP.

hopeful4

What Santa just said is so right. No friendship can be worth the pain it causes you when she does that. Time to cut out the toxic my dear friend.

Butterfly

I struggle to cut toxic people out of my life, I think I'd still be with AH if he hadn't left! apart from this part of her she is a good friend and has been a friend for nearly 30 years!

But you are right a friend who does this is toxic and doesn't have my best interests at heart, it's just I don't have many friends

Santa, I made a fool out of myself and as soon as I ended the call I knew I shouldn't have rang him I should have thought it out, my anxiety took over and I acted on impulse!! I haven't contatced him again and I don't want to and as long as I don't know anything about him then I won't want to contact him. I still need time to build up my strength within myself to be able to handle any information I do receive so I don't contact him!!

My friend said to me today in 10 years time he will look about him and realise everyone has gone, no family, no friends as they will be fed up with him, no one and he will realise what he gave up for a drink, he will probably then get drunk again to block it all out as he's doing now.

I will not block out how I feel and I am dealing with whatever emotion and feelings come my way, one day at a time.

hopeful4

Butterfly, it may not feel like it so much, but you are making progress. It's slow and hard, I know, but you are doing it.

Much love....XXX

Butterfly

Thank you hopeful, it is definitely a long slow and painful journey but I know when I come out the other side I will feel so much better for putting in the hard work now and not blocking it all out

Xx

hopeful4

Amen!!! That is the smartest thing I have heard said in a long time. It's quite easy to stuff those feelings and ignore them. By meeting them head on now, you won't have to deal with them later.

Bravo Butterfly!

lillamy

You know, I had to cut some of my friends loose when I left AXH. There are people out there like your friend -- and like some of mine -- who thrive on drama. They're the people that gossip and spread rumors and, I've found, quite often, they're doing that because they don't find their own life to provide enough drama.

It's a bit like gossiping about celebrities, except in this case, they get to feel involved.

It was hard, but it was also necessary. People who produce negativity and pain in your life have no place there. (((hugs)))

meggem

keep going butterfly...stay strong..

maia1234

Butterfly- My husband continued to lie to me about his affair, so I don't really trust anything he says. I am sorry that you have to deal with these issues. I agree the less you know the best.

My stbxah informed me that is mother was in the hospital today. I asked him if I could call her and he did not respond right away. So I took it as a no. She is very hurt by his drinking, and I am sure he doesn't want me to upset her in anyway by calling. So I kind of wish he never told me that she was ill. Sometime NC is better for everyone involved.

Stay positive as this to shall pass!!