last minute advice!
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Join Date: Apr 2014
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last minute advice!
Okay- Tomorrow is the big day...Mediation.
Any last minute advice? Anyone want to share your experience? I have no idea what to expect.
I have prepared an example parenting plan schedule - every other Saturday and Sunday from 10 am to 7pm, plus once a week from 5:30 pm to 7 pm.
I plan to put out there that if he can complete a program suggested by a professional then overnight visits can be discussed (after you know, the program is completed and sobriety has been established for a fair amount of time).
These are the terms I will agree to, so if he doesn't agree then we will go to court. Which I'm really hoping doesn't happen because I can't afford it...which he knows.
I am bringing a recent events calendar starting in May, to show his pattern of behaviors. I will also show the mediator that I have gotten DD on an established daily schedule.
Thoughts, advice, stories, prayers?
Any last minute advice? Anyone want to share your experience? I have no idea what to expect.
I have prepared an example parenting plan schedule - every other Saturday and Sunday from 10 am to 7pm, plus once a week from 5:30 pm to 7 pm.
I plan to put out there that if he can complete a program suggested by a professional then overnight visits can be discussed (after you know, the program is completed and sobriety has been established for a fair amount of time).
These are the terms I will agree to, so if he doesn't agree then we will go to court. Which I'm really hoping doesn't happen because I can't afford it...which he knows.
I am bringing a recent events calendar starting in May, to show his pattern of behaviors. I will also show the mediator that I have gotten DD on an established daily schedule.
Thoughts, advice, stories, prayers?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
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What was the temporary agreement? I'm sorry I didn't see this before.
I think it's exceptionally cruel to ask women to mediate the terms of their children's safety with someone who has been abusive and threatening. It's how our court system works though. The first time I sat in a room to mediate a custody agreement I was a disaster, crying, shaking, just a mess. Later on, with a bit of recovery under my belt, it was a breeze. But it takes time to get solid ground under your feet.
Be easy on yourself. None of this is really permanent.
I think it's exceptionally cruel to ask women to mediate the terms of their children's safety with someone who has been abusive and threatening. It's how our court system works though. The first time I sat in a room to mediate a custody agreement I was a disaster, crying, shaking, just a mess. Later on, with a bit of recovery under my belt, it was a breeze. But it takes time to get solid ground under your feet.
Be easy on yourself. None of this is really permanent.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
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Mediation was a collosal waste of time and money for me. It was an opportunity for my xAH to get info from me about what I wanted, offer nothing, **** off the mediator and my lawyer, waste everyone's time and be abusive. 4 hours of my life and over $1000 thrown away.
The moronic judge here requires all divorcing couples to go to it. No option but to do so.
Utter waste.
If you arent happy with the agreement dont sign it and go to court and have a hearing...
No need to settle with something youre uncomfortable with.
The moronic judge here requires all divorcing couples to go to it. No option but to do so.
Utter waste.
If you arent happy with the agreement dont sign it and go to court and have a hearing...
No need to settle with something youre uncomfortable with.
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The terms are this:
He gets her every other weekend, one of those weekends he gets her from Friday evening until Sunday, and the other weekend he would get her from Saturday-Sunday. Tuesdays and Thursdays he gets her for visitation from 5-7 pm.
No child support was discussed. I filed for it when I filed for custody but I think there was a clerical error I'm guessing. It wasn't on the summons and the mediator had no record of it being filed. I'm really pissed about that, I know I filed for it because my lawyer told me it would be stupid not to file for both at the same time.
So the arrangement is "temporary" until we go back to mediation feb. 18th. We still have to go to court on 12/12 to get an actual trial date which will probably be in March or April.
The mediation was emotionally exhausting. He accused me of being an alcoholic, requested we have split custody and trade her off every 3 days. Then said that he thinks I should have her every other weekend and he have her primarily. He couldn't even keep up with the subject of conversation with the mediatior. Then he would put me down. None of it had anything to do with DD, it was only about what he wanted. He wasn't concerned about her well being, was only concerned about his inability to control our lives.
He gets her every other weekend, one of those weekends he gets her from Friday evening until Sunday, and the other weekend he would get her from Saturday-Sunday. Tuesdays and Thursdays he gets her for visitation from 5-7 pm.
No child support was discussed. I filed for it when I filed for custody but I think there was a clerical error I'm guessing. It wasn't on the summons and the mediator had no record of it being filed. I'm really pissed about that, I know I filed for it because my lawyer told me it would be stupid not to file for both at the same time.
So the arrangement is "temporary" until we go back to mediation feb. 18th. We still have to go to court on 12/12 to get an actual trial date which will probably be in March or April.
The mediation was emotionally exhausting. He accused me of being an alcoholic, requested we have split custody and trade her off every 3 days. Then said that he thinks I should have her every other weekend and he have her primarily. He couldn't even keep up with the subject of conversation with the mediatior. Then he would put me down. None of it had anything to do with DD, it was only about what he wanted. He wasn't concerned about her well being, was only concerned about his inability to control our lives.
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Originally Posted by Blossom717 
\None of it had anything to do with DD, it was only about what he wanted. He wasn't concerned about her well being, was only concerned about his inability to control our lives.
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I don't see him actually doing all of this...maybe for a little while. He didn't even call her this morning. and last weekend he cancelled his visit. So we will see. I called the court to see what happened about child support, and they weren't much help. All she said was she didn't see it anywhere on the docket. Which is frustrating. He offered to pay half of the child care (its 166 a week...so 83 for each of us now) which is "nice"...he doesn't count her living arrangement as something that is his problem since he has a house of his own, and he doesn't see why lunchables aren't sufficient nutrients for her either.
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How old is she? Is she old enough that you can give her a cellphone? (There are some simple models -- my kids had one called "Firefly" with four buttons and preprogrammed numbers, and those were the only numbers they could call.)
Also, find out from the court or a lawyer what is considered minimum acceptable care for a child your daughter's age. I'm not saying this to frighten you, but depending on state, it varies. In my state, as long as the kids got a bowl of rice and had access to tap water, they weren't considered "neglected" (which is actually pretty much what they got at AXH's house towards the end). Also, find out what the law in your state says about caring for children while under the influence. Where I lived, if you were above the legal driving BAC limit, you could be arrested if you were caring for children.
There are lots of things you can do to protect your daughter. My kids' counselor walked them through (in a very age-appropriate way) how to act in different situations -- if the house was on fire; if their dad wouldn't wake up; if their dad was acting "funny" (or if they knew he had been drinking) and he wanted them to get in the car, etc. All that stuff made them feel more in control of the situation.
Your ex sounds a bit like mine with the blowing off visitation and such. I can tell you that my ex just wanted to "win" -- that was what it was all about for him. The reality of being a parent, he couldn't handle -- within six months of our divorce, I had the kids except for when he felt like taking them to a movie or something.
Also, find out from the court or a lawyer what is considered minimum acceptable care for a child your daughter's age. I'm not saying this to frighten you, but depending on state, it varies. In my state, as long as the kids got a bowl of rice and had access to tap water, they weren't considered "neglected" (which is actually pretty much what they got at AXH's house towards the end). Also, find out what the law in your state says about caring for children while under the influence. Where I lived, if you were above the legal driving BAC limit, you could be arrested if you were caring for children.
There are lots of things you can do to protect your daughter. My kids' counselor walked them through (in a very age-appropriate way) how to act in different situations -- if the house was on fire; if their dad wouldn't wake up; if their dad was acting "funny" (or if they knew he had been drinking) and he wanted them to get in the car, etc. All that stuff made them feel more in control of the situation.
Your ex sounds a bit like mine with the blowing off visitation and such. I can tell you that my ex just wanted to "win" -- that was what it was all about for him. The reality of being a parent, he couldn't handle -- within six months of our divorce, I had the kids except for when he felt like taking them to a movie or something.
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She is 3...too young for a phone. And..too young to be passed around as much as he "wants".
I can find out the laws all I want...but unless I can prove he is being neglectful I can't do anything about that. She is too little to really tell me if something happened. She will tell me if shes hurt and I'll work on teaching her some other things. Luckily she is a quick learner.
I think the only thing (except for a major mishap) that will really be useful in court is if he misses visitations and starts getting inconsistent. And if he fails any tests that I give him (drugs/alcohol ones).
I'm a little disappointed in the system. We weren't allowed to bring up the past....how else do you show that someone is/isn't a good parent??
I can find out the laws all I want...but unless I can prove he is being neglectful I can't do anything about that. She is too little to really tell me if something happened. She will tell me if shes hurt and I'll work on teaching her some other things. Luckily she is a quick learner.
I think the only thing (except for a major mishap) that will really be useful in court is if he misses visitations and starts getting inconsistent. And if he fails any tests that I give him (drugs/alcohol ones).
I'm a little disappointed in the system. We weren't allowed to bring up the past....how else do you show that someone is/isn't a good parent??
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Blossom, he will trip himself up. An active A isn't going to be able to maintain anything close to a schedule - nor is he really going to want to spend time with her: it's like you said, all about control.
I'm sorry you are under this stress and are rightfully worried right now. I think mandatory testing should be a top priority in relation to visitation.
I'm sorry you are under this stress and are rightfully worried right now. I think mandatory testing should be a top priority in relation to visitation.
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Remember, a mediator isn't a judge, a judge is a judge. The mediator wasn't who you prove anything to, just a GAL and a judge.
The court date is what you're recording all this information for. Don't tell him your monitoring his moves, just do it, and come into the court room in February armed with reams of paper, insisting on a GAL to determine exactly whether or not he's the danger you think he is. You *might not* get what you want in court, but you have to put all the information out there.
In the meantime, I feel you on how hard and disappointing all this is. From one mom to another, I went through this with my son and his NPD dad. Part of you is going to have to let some of the minor fears go or go crazy every time she leaves for the weekend.
I made myself nuts over things like NPDX co-sleeping until DD15 was, like, seven, or him staying up too late and DD15 wandering around his house in the morning awake and alone as a little guy. Crappy dinners, fast food everything, leaving town for day trips without telling me, taking DD15 out on dates with him. Buying him a dog and giving it away. Getting married after knowing his wife for three months and getting her pregnant. YEARS of stupid, selfish decisions.
I really disagree with some of these things he did -- REALLY DISAGREE -- but none of them are neglect. Some of them are totally normal to some families. You *will* have regular parenting disagreements in the mix with your fears about his addiction, be kind to yourself and tease these out, and let the parenting styles just be different. Be the safe and happy alternative, a good place to come home to. She will be with YOU the vast majority of the time, and thus you will be her primary influence for a long while.
Fifteen years into this crazy custody arrangement, there have been no major mishaps and no major missteps. DD15 is a good kid, smart, sees his dad's antics mostly for what they are, and is will be fine.
Time will absolutely reveal more about his commitment to your DD and his ability to follow through on this minimal visitation agreement.
The court date is what you're recording all this information for. Don't tell him your monitoring his moves, just do it, and come into the court room in February armed with reams of paper, insisting on a GAL to determine exactly whether or not he's the danger you think he is. You *might not* get what you want in court, but you have to put all the information out there.
In the meantime, I feel you on how hard and disappointing all this is. From one mom to another, I went through this with my son and his NPD dad. Part of you is going to have to let some of the minor fears go or go crazy every time she leaves for the weekend.
I made myself nuts over things like NPDX co-sleeping until DD15 was, like, seven, or him staying up too late and DD15 wandering around his house in the morning awake and alone as a little guy. Crappy dinners, fast food everything, leaving town for day trips without telling me, taking DD15 out on dates with him. Buying him a dog and giving it away. Getting married after knowing his wife for three months and getting her pregnant. YEARS of stupid, selfish decisions.
I really disagree with some of these things he did -- REALLY DISAGREE -- but none of them are neglect. Some of them are totally normal to some families. You *will* have regular parenting disagreements in the mix with your fears about his addiction, be kind to yourself and tease these out, and let the parenting styles just be different. Be the safe and happy alternative, a good place to come home to. She will be with YOU the vast majority of the time, and thus you will be her primary influence for a long while.
Fifteen years into this crazy custody arrangement, there have been no major mishaps and no major missteps. DD15 is a good kid, smart, sees his dad's antics mostly for what they are, and is will be fine.
Time will absolutely reveal more about his commitment to your DD and his ability to follow through on this minimal visitation agreement.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Blossom,
Keep track of the time he blows off his time with her. Document everything. He wants her because he knows you want her. It will get old. You have a long time before you finalize this, so be patient. A lot of things will change and his true colors will show.
Then you will have everything in writing of who he is, judges listen!!
Keep the faith!!
Keep track of the time he blows off his time with her. Document everything. He wants her because he knows you want her. It will get old. You have a long time before you finalize this, so be patient. A lot of things will change and his true colors will show.
Then you will have everything in writing of who he is, judges listen!!
Keep the faith!!
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Florence - That's what I keep telling myself, that I will give her a healthier lifestyle example to counter the one her dad shows her. I think that for the first few visits he will be #1 dad...and then slowly fade off or start to trip up as mini blue said.
I have been documenting and I will keep at it.
He is making everything extra complicated at the moment. He told me he will pay for half of the daycare costs and instead of just reimbursing the $83 to me after I've paid, he wants to drive an hour every Monday after work to pay his half himself. Which is fine but weird to me. I guess he is going to claim that he wanted to make sure it went to her daycare or something stupid. I worry about him not paying on time and getting charged late fees.
I have been documenting and I will keep at it.
He is making everything extra complicated at the moment. He told me he will pay for half of the daycare costs and instead of just reimbursing the $83 to me after I've paid, he wants to drive an hour every Monday after work to pay his half himself. Which is fine but weird to me. I guess he is going to claim that he wanted to make sure it went to her daycare or something stupid. I worry about him not paying on time and getting charged late fees.
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Blossom,
If he doesn't pay on time and get late charges, its all good for the courts. I always say I don't want him to keep drinking but the quicker the sicker. That's the only way they hit rock bottom..
This is really no business of yours if he pays, how he pays or when. You only need to know if he doesn't pay. Which I am sure they will let you know and then you can document it. One less thing to worry about - give it to God!!
If he doesn't pay on time and get late charges, its all good for the courts. I always say I don't want him to keep drinking but the quicker the sicker. That's the only way they hit rock bottom..
This is really no business of yours if he pays, how he pays or when. You only need to know if he doesn't pay. Which I am sure they will let you know and then you can document it. One less thing to worry about - give it to God!!
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I know it is none of my business how or when....except for on time. That's really my only concern. I guess though that if he wants to make it complicated for himself then I should just not worry about it, you are right.
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Blossom...over the years, I have seen this thing where the fathers harbor the (false) idea that if they have the kids a lot--then they will get to pay less child support.
In reality, the two are seen as separate issues by the court.
I also agree with you and the others who believe that after the shouting is done--he will taper off his involvement with your daughter.
Not all fathers do this, of course.....but I have seen a lot who do...including my children's own father!
dandylion
In reality, the two are seen as separate issues by the court.
I also agree with you and the others who believe that after the shouting is done--he will taper off his involvement with your daughter.
Not all fathers do this, of course.....but I have seen a lot who do...including my children's own father!
dandylion
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