Thoughts?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Thoughts?
I'll try to keep this short and simple...although we all know that it's not simple or short...
My AH was sober almost 14 years. Started drinking about 1 year ago. Stopped for about 2 months and has been increasingly drinking for the last several months. Needless to say, it's caused a lot of conflict and turmoil. I have taken steps to work on ME...I'm in therapy weekly and it's done me a tremendous amount of good. I'm finally putting MY needs and my son's needs 1st. He has known for awhile divorce is a definite possibility due to the turmoil and conflict that comes along with living with an active A. I fully take responsibility for MY parts in our issues, he has not taken them for his. last week we had a discussion in which I explained that if he makes the choice to continue down this path, he will need to find somewhere else to live. Several hours later, he got very emotional...more than I have seen him ever in 20++ years of being together. I do NOT want my family torn apart, however, I cannot continue to live this way. He has slowed down and recently said to me...he knows he needs to quit, can I give him 1 more week. When I asked what was so special about 1 week, he said, I'm asking for 1 more week and then I'm done. So...here's where I need your thoughts. I am very concerned that this is a form of manipulation and that he will extend it, lie and hide his drinking and so forth. I believe he's lying to himself more than to me. Has anyone experienced similar comments? Were they able to stop? I'm prepared to take the action I have said I will. My therapist has indicated that a lot of A's will want one last hurrah with alcohol before they straighten up and work on it. I am skeptical that he will really be able to stop and/or wants to stop, I'm thinking he's more concerned about losing me and having to live on his own.
I appreciate your thoughts.
My AH was sober almost 14 years. Started drinking about 1 year ago. Stopped for about 2 months and has been increasingly drinking for the last several months. Needless to say, it's caused a lot of conflict and turmoil. I have taken steps to work on ME...I'm in therapy weekly and it's done me a tremendous amount of good. I'm finally putting MY needs and my son's needs 1st. He has known for awhile divorce is a definite possibility due to the turmoil and conflict that comes along with living with an active A. I fully take responsibility for MY parts in our issues, he has not taken them for his. last week we had a discussion in which I explained that if he makes the choice to continue down this path, he will need to find somewhere else to live. Several hours later, he got very emotional...more than I have seen him ever in 20++ years of being together. I do NOT want my family torn apart, however, I cannot continue to live this way. He has slowed down and recently said to me...he knows he needs to quit, can I give him 1 more week. When I asked what was so special about 1 week, he said, I'm asking for 1 more week and then I'm done. So...here's where I need your thoughts. I am very concerned that this is a form of manipulation and that he will extend it, lie and hide his drinking and so forth. I believe he's lying to himself more than to me. Has anyone experienced similar comments? Were they able to stop? I'm prepared to take the action I have said I will. My therapist has indicated that a lot of A's will want one last hurrah with alcohol before they straighten up and work on it. I am skeptical that he will really be able to stop and/or wants to stop, I'm thinking he's more concerned about losing me and having to live on his own.
I appreciate your thoughts.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
spedteach...I think you are right in your thoughts about this.
This article might be very helpful for you, right now: go the the "stickies"..which are the articles listed at the top of this main page. Go to the one called "classics"....Then, look for the one called: "Ten ways to k now if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
Let me know if you can't find it.
dandylion
This article might be very helpful for you, right now: go the the "stickies"..which are the articles listed at the top of this main page. Go to the one called "classics"....Then, look for the one called: "Ten ways to k now if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap".
Let me know if you can't find it.
dandylion
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Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
I'm sorry -- that must be a hard thing to see for you, especially after such a long period of sobriety. I don't have any first-hand experience of this particular situation. It's heartbreaking evidence that alcoholism is never cured, just hibernating.
The "one more week" may be simple manipulation. I'm sure you're right that he's lying more to himself than to you. On the other hand, your T might have a point. I've heard that before. I have a friend who lost her father that way. He drank himself to death the night before he was going to inpatient rehab.
I don't have any advice for you. If I try putting myself in your situation, I think I would feel OK with giving him another week if he had a plan. If he said, "I'm gonna drink for another week, and next Wednesday, I'm going to start going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days," I might feel better about it. Have you asked him if he has a plan for how to get back on the path of recovery?
The "one more week" may be simple manipulation. I'm sure you're right that he's lying more to himself than to you. On the other hand, your T might have a point. I've heard that before. I have a friend who lost her father that way. He drank himself to death the night before he was going to inpatient rehab.
I don't have any advice for you. If I try putting myself in your situation, I think I would feel OK with giving him another week if he had a plan. If he said, "I'm gonna drink for another week, and next Wednesday, I'm going to start going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days," I might feel better about it. Have you asked him if he has a plan for how to get back on the path of recovery?
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I don't have any advice for you. If I try putting myself in your situation, I think I would feel OK with giving him another week if he had a plan. If he said, "I'm gonna drink for another week, and next Wednesday, I'm going to start going to 90 AA meetings in 90 days," I might feel better about it. Have you asked him if he has a plan for how to get back on the path of recovery?
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
The writer Stephen King describes his intervention in his book On Writing. His family gathered and told him he was killing himself and his wife told him if he wanted to commit suicide via addiction that he needed to leave the house. Then she dumped out four garbage bags full of beer cans, mouthwash bottles, cocaine paraphernalia, etc.
He wrote that he agreed with everything they were saying, then asked for two more weeks. Looking back he likens that to a man on the roof of a burning house telling the firefighters who are there to rescue him from imminent death, "You're right, I need help, come back in two weeks."
Of course now he has been in recovery for many years and is open about his involvement in AA, but it's interesting to look back on the way he describes his thought process as an active alcoholic/addict.
Your AH has gotten sober before, he knows what it takes to get sober and live in sobriety. Do you think he's sincere? What is preventing him from beginning his recovery now?
He wrote that he agreed with everything they were saying, then asked for two more weeks. Looking back he likens that to a man on the roof of a burning house telling the firefighters who are there to rescue him from imminent death, "You're right, I need help, come back in two weeks."
Of course now he has been in recovery for many years and is open about his involvement in AA, but it's interesting to look back on the way he describes his thought process as an active alcoholic/addict.
Your AH has gotten sober before, he knows what it takes to get sober and live in sobriety. Do you think he's sincere? What is preventing him from beginning his recovery now?
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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Oh if only I could count the "one more trys" in my house.
The day after I finally kicked out my X, he begged me to let him come back. He would take antabuse. He would do anything. Hmmm....nope. I had given him so many chances already. What had happened is that I had changed, and he knew it. I knew this time it was time for me to have a chance at a real life.
Just my thoughts and how it works in my head. My life is a lot more peaceful now.
The day after I finally kicked out my X, he begged me to let him come back. He would take antabuse. He would do anything. Hmmm....nope. I had given him so many chances already. What had happened is that I had changed, and he knew it. I knew this time it was time for me to have a chance at a real life.
Just my thoughts and how it works in my head. My life is a lot more peaceful now.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Thanks-
He has not committed to any sort of plan...and he didn't use one before so I'm not sure he will be willing to try this time. He has all sorts of excuse for why he doesn't like AA and therapy. He did rehab 2 times before for a week each time. This time, I believe he plans to quit cold turkey and get no support. I have indicated that he at the very least needs a therapist support to help him, however, I feel that he also needs more than just that.
Ladyscribbler- I believe HE thinks he's sincere, but I also believe that he wants to mean it, I just don't believe that he can mean it without help. He says he needs 1 more week. I also told my therapist last night, I'm concerned that he feels I'll just fall into my old ways in the next week and this will be swept under the rug. That's NOT going to happen. I know I have made strides and changes in myself for the better and I know that those changes are difficult for others to accept, not just him. I'm not a doormat, I'll stand up for myself and I won't try to be others anchors or rocks any longer....that change is a rude awakening for others who know me. And guess what? That's THEIR problem!
He has not committed to any sort of plan...and he didn't use one before so I'm not sure he will be willing to try this time. He has all sorts of excuse for why he doesn't like AA and therapy. He did rehab 2 times before for a week each time. This time, I believe he plans to quit cold turkey and get no support. I have indicated that he at the very least needs a therapist support to help him, however, I feel that he also needs more than just that.
Ladyscribbler- I believe HE thinks he's sincere, but I also believe that he wants to mean it, I just don't believe that he can mean it without help. He says he needs 1 more week. I also told my therapist last night, I'm concerned that he feels I'll just fall into my old ways in the next week and this will be swept under the rug. That's NOT going to happen. I know I have made strides and changes in myself for the better and I know that those changes are difficult for others to accept, not just him. I'm not a doormat, I'll stand up for myself and I won't try to be others anchors or rocks any longer....that change is a rude awakening for others who know me. And guess what? That's THEIR problem!
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
I know I have made strides and changes in myself for the better and I know that those changes are difficult for others to accept, not just him. I'm not a doormat, I'll stand up for myself and I won't try to be others anchors or rocks any longer....that change is a rude awakening for others who know me. And guess what? That's THEIR problem!
Sounds like you've got your head in the right place, no matter what the next week brings.
Sounds like you've got your head in the right place, no matter what the next week brings.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Yes, it's a long slow process but I am working to get my head there. It's my heart that is the issue at times. I KNOW what needs to happen, I always have...it's just getting my heart on board. I think it's finally there. I cannot continue on this path and I have a teen aged son who needs me to be strong and set a good example for him. Besides, MY happiness matters just as much as anyone elses!
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
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BTW...I do think they mean it at that second, when they are saying it. However, as we all know, talk is cheap. He needs a program of some kind so when the times come and he has the choice to pick up again, he is strong enough to say no. And that support cannot come from you, that never works.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Mich
Posts: 212
Hopeful-
I agree, the support won't be coming from me. I have talked over and over about AA and therapy...he has excuses which is why I said I think he means it, I just don't think he can do it. This is what is so hard.
I agree, the support won't be coming from me. I have talked over and over about AA and therapy...he has excuses which is why I said I think he means it, I just don't think he can do it. This is what is so hard.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Sadly he does not sound like someone who is anywhere near ready to embrace recovery. His “words” were in direct response to your ultimatum. He’s buying more time to continue on with what he is doing.
Listen to your inner voice that’s what guides us, our hearts are where our fantasies lye.
Listen to your inner voice that’s what guides us, our hearts are where our fantasies lye.
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