tonsoffaith

That's what this handbook says. I just checked my husband into in-patient care yesterday and I am supposed to write down sad things to say to him in front of a group next week? Any advice on this please!!

ardy

my Dear Lady of Faith and Family and Hope.. I need a tissue.. just reading your line.. look into your heart... sit in a room by yourself and do you have photos of times gone by.. happy times that have masked some of the bad.. I had to take my hubby on Monday to a Doctor and we watched his heart for real work.. it is having a problem because of the morphine. the room was dark my tears just flowed.. tried not to make any noise .. young tech passed by me and realized how hard I was crying.. and trying not to upset the process. as they speeded him up and showed him down. . got me out to a resst area.. sorry can't see a bit .... I love my hubby so much.. know that one day I will come home from work or wake in the night and find I have a body to have to have others care for... so look into your heart be honest with yourself and the letter that you must write will flow with your tears. love and so many prayers and hopes for a better day.. ardy

Eauchiche

Are they doing a group intervention on your husband? Did they give you a reason why you "have to" do this?

hopeful4

When my X was in rehab they asked that we write a letter as to what this has done to our lives and to our family. I just sat down and poured out my feelings, I was very honest.

Mango blast

Did they give any guidelines? At the two different rehabs my husband went to the letter contained several ways his drinking personally effected me with specific examples and how I felt at each of those times. Not "that made me feel", but rather "I felt" statements.

Then several specific things I like about him.

This isn't for them as much as it is for us. Be honest, open and real, as much as you're able to. ((((hugs))))

tonsoffaith

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your input. This isn't going to be fun.

First, Ardy, I'm so sorry for your hurt.

They did give a guideline somewhat. It's part of their process. I'm going to have to pray about this. Yuck!

ardy

It will help and clear your soul and heart.. love and so many prayers....

LvWrAM123

I had to do an impact letter-
I started with I love you's. Then I kind of went chronological with some of the hardest times for me over the past couple years. Embarrassed in front of friends/family-and gave a specific example or 2. Worries about how it was impacting his relationship with the kids-gave an example, worries about what was being modeled for them as they grew up, etc. Then I also hit a couple of "big" events that were particularly painful that were the kinds of experiences I was no longer able to live with and were the kind of thing that was leading me to lay down boundaries. My concern, a specific example, and how each made me feel was kind of my template. I ended with my hopes and dreams and wants and desires and wishes for the future, and expressed some belief in him that I knew he was capable of change.

It was a tough letter for him to hear, but very impactful and made an impression. It was a tough letter for me to write, but cathartic to do so.

Good luck-

m1k3

You do know that you can say no, don't you?

If writing and reading this this letter is not something you feel up to then by all means don't do it. Just as you weren't responsible for his drinking, you are not responsible for his recovery.

Your friend,

NYCDoglvr

If it's an effort to guilt an alcoholic into sobriety, it won't work. Alcoholics are full of self-hatred and low self esteem which never stopped one from drinking. Typically it's an excuse (and to blame it on YOU!).

ShootingStar1

You don't HAVE to do ANYTHING you do not want to do.

The rehab is concentrating, as it should, on your husband's recovery. And that may or may not be beneficial to your recovery. If your honest response is that it is not something that you want or that you can do, then just say that. NOT writing a letter is a response in and of itself.

This is one of the dividing points where, early on, we get to start to see in whose benefit we are making choices. His recovery belongs to him, and yours belongs to you. If the consequence of his behavior is that you are so alienated that you do not want to engage with him right now in a letter, then that is the consequence he has to learn to deal with.

You are free to do whatever rings true in your heart for you whether or not he or his rehab like it.

ShootingStar1

AW1111

My husband is currently in inpatient as well. They asked if I would be willing to participate in writing an impact letter too. They described it to me as part of my husbands recovery. They said My Husband needs to see and hear some of the hurtful things and behaviors he caused from his drinking. They will teach him how to overcome that guilt and make amends with himself, and give him tools to help heal our relationship. I think this will be therapeutic for both of us.

I think I will be honest with loving intentions when I wrote mine. I tend to sugar coat everything in fear of hurting his feelings...big part of my enabling and co-dependency. He will never realize the severity and affects of his actions if I keep sugar coating everything. Good luck!!!

daisy6234

It's early in rehab. He has time to work through them with his therapist. It help to rid yourself of those feelings. I think it sets a platform for honesty as time goes on. But reliving them is really tough

tonsoffaith

Well gosh, thank you all so much for your help. I don't feel angry with him or any of that stuff.

I'm pretty darn resilient. Even through these past several years of him being just ugly and mean, I have always been able to discern the booze talking from the lost man inside. I've been really just ticked (didn't know if I could say the pi**ed word) at him plenty of times, but I don't believe the crap he's said over the years. Not a word of it.

Really, the thing I have a hard time with is picking at somebody. I do understand their point though. These professionals certainly know better than I do. If I knew what was best for my AH then the last 12 years of enabling him would have eliminated alcohol from our lives LOL

I really do appreciate all of the comments and support. I have so much to learn! So I sincerely and humbly thank you all.