whywonthe123

He likes his drinking friends more than me, been this way for about 2 years. About had it. Is this normal or am I just being weird????? I am new here but learned this is a good site for insight.

ladyscribbler

It's normal for someone whose #1 priority in life is alcohol, and no it's not weird that you want more out of a relationship, it's healthy. Someone whose first priority in life is drinking will probably not be the person to fulfill that need.
How long have you guys been together?

whywonthe123

We've been together almost 4 years. We got engaged in July.

hopeful4

I am sure that it is simply because they are his drinking buddy. They support his #1 priority.

ResignedToWait

hopeful nailed it...he has a judgement-free zone where he's actually encouraged to drink, that's why he prefers them.
All the meanwhile, leaving his confused and befuddled fiance at home to wonder what she ever did wrong.

You're not being weird, and it's VERY normal for A's to exhibit this.

SparkleKitty

I learned the hard way that marriage is not a cure-all for what's not working in a relationship, and that a lot of times, it just makes everything harder.

Please re-consider whether you want to legally commit to someone who doesn't prioritize you in his life. You deserve better than that from a life partner.

ladyscribbler

Has he ever expressed a desire to get sober, or shown any awareness or understanding that his drinking was creating issues in your relationship?

dandylion

whywonthe123....the drinking buddies give him "permission" to drink. The will not criticize him for his drinking---no matter how badly he might behave. They will defend the alcoholic and sympathize with every complaint. They bond over the alcohol and feel very accepted in each other's presence.
In other words they "need" each other to support their relationships with alcohol.

Anyone who comes between the alcoholic and their drink is viewed as the "enemy" and anyone who facilitates or enables is considered the "friend".

It is amazing that if a person gets sober--and, is serious about their sobriety--the drinking buddies seem to drop away. More like relationships of convenience than of true friendship.

It is not weird to want to be the top priority in a relationship. That is what most people would consider to be normal and healthy.

dandylion

doggonecarl

It won't get better if you get married. Unless he decides to get sober. Read around the forum to get an idea of how well that works out (or doesn't).

whywonthe123

I understand guys need to be guys. But, sometimes, I wonder, if these are the guys that he should be around. Dunno. It gets old. This place is responsive! Thanks

SparkleKitty

Well, he's an adult who is allowed to and capable of choosing his own companions. If you are the one with the problem with it, then you can't count on him to make different choices to satisfy you. You, however, can choose to accept as he is, or look elsewhere for a relationship. FWIW, not all "guys need to be guys" in ways that aren't part of what you are looking for in a relationship.

Mrrryah1

It may not be that he likes his drinking friends more, but if he's an alcoholic - he just likes DRINKING more. Maybe his friends permit him to drink more than you do. Maybe they don't judge him like you do. Not saying that's your fault - just try not to take it personally or compare yourself to his friends. As alcoholics we have one priority and that's alcohol.

NYCDoglvr

Sorry, it sounds lonely and sad. I hope you read about alcoholism and what to expect. It's a progressive disease so this situation won't get better.

suncatcher

Welcome whywontthe123, I remember thinking the same thing about my axbf. All of his friends are alcoholics. I remember being devastated when I first found out he went to the bar without me. Why would he want to do that?, I thought. But it's what alcoholics do. By coming here, I learned a lot. I learned to just take care of myself and detach from his behavior. You can't control what he does or who he drinks with, but you can control how you react to it and put yourself first. The alcohol will always be first for an active A.

steelman1649

This seems like a maturity/commitment question just as much as the booze. Over time men should spend less and less time with their buddies. You begin to care and want to spend the vast majority of time with your partner.

Be careful if this behavior continues as it shows a lack of priorities and is "getting away" from the responsibilities at home. Don't get me wrong, I have around 4 bigger gatherings with friends per year, but that's what it should turn into. Not just hanging out every other weekend.