FeliciaM

Hi, My internet searches about dealing with a breakup with an alcoholic kept bring me to this web site. I have no support from friends and have no where to turn.

I've been in relationship with Jay, a recent (less then 1yr) widower. We've been dating 7 months, have a lot in common. Something wasn't right with him red flags, but I stayed. I have deep feelings for him, he has no living family and no friends but a work buddy. He is lonely and alone.

Two weeks ago I caught him drinking and lying about going to work. We broke up. Three days later i called him, he was driving to the hospital, with pancreatitis. He missed 5 days work in hopsital. Spent my day off with him waiting for his discharge. I took him to get his scripts upon release. Settled him in at his home, then went to my dads to care for him, he is dieing and cant live alone.

Jay didnt follow doctors intructions. Family doctor said if he continues to drink he will die. His body is allergic to alcohol. For reasons unknown to me, he drank again that weekend. Then fell into a door at his home and got a 4 inch gaping wound by falling into a door. There was blood everywhere. I took him to the ER, then got him home. I refused to stay overnight. He called me a f--n bi--ch.

Next day I took him to get his scripts filled and get bandages. I cared for him again that day. And an empty promise AGAIN not to drink. Well this went on for the rest of the week. When I caught him by suprise visit, I dumped 1/2 pint vodka down drain. He drove back bought and drank a 1/2 pint in the car then drove home! Obviously he is very sick, a danger to himself and others. UGGGGG!! He is now stupid and braking the law. Clearly doesnt care. I wish I didnt care. But I do.

He said "I choose alcohol over you, so dont waste your time on me." So basically he wants to commit suicide. He is in soo much pain. He hasnt retuned a phone call.

I am lost, broken hearted and cant stop crying. This hurts me so bad. Obviously a relationship with Jay is out of the question. I want to be his friend, he has no one else. I am the only one who knows he is so ill, I dont want him to die or kill anyone else in the process.

How do I deal with my urges to keep reaching out to him? I want to know if he is in the hospital, treatment or under doctors care. He needs to be but he has shut me out. I feel compelled to step in. Should I?
Please help me understand this.

honeypig

Hi, Felicia, and welcome to SR. You've come to the right place. I'm sorry you find yourself in the spot you're in, but I'm SO glad that you're reaching out for help.

A lot of us have done what you're doing, to a greater or lesser extent. We have a need to be needed, to rescue those in need, to step in and do for others what they are fully capable of doing for themselves. It's not healthy for anyone involved, and I'm sorry for the pain and confusion you must be feeling right now.

I think you might find some benefit in reading some threads about codependency from the stickies at the top of the page. Here's a good one to get you started:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-need-fix.html

You might also find some use in attending Alanon or Codependent Anonymous meetings. And of course, read as much as you can here. You'll learn a lot about the dance of addicts and enablers...

I hope you find the insight and support you're looking for, Felicia.

SeriousKarma

Should you?

The short answer is no.

Felicia, you sound like a wonderful, caring, lovely person. Someone who is willing to go the extra mile for a friend. Many people, myself included, value those qualities tremendously.

This man, however, because of his advanced addiction, is incapable of that. He quite simply can not appreciate what you are doing for him. You could take a bullet for him and he would ask if they were serving beer at the funeral.

That's the bad news.

The good news is that there is a lot of support for you. Both here, and at places like Alanon. Many of us have had those same "urges" to keep reaching out. That need to micro manage every aspect of their recovery. But we learn, with help, that our energy is better spent learning how to manage our own issues, and that our ability to effect change with our addicted loved one is really non existent. They need to do that themselves.

Again, I'm glad you came to the forum. Keep reading and posting. There are a lot of good people here. (((((((( hugs )))))))

maia1234

He understands what the dr. Told him.. don't drink. He chooses to continue to drink, because that is what alcoholics do.

I am sorry you can't help him, he will have to do this on is own. Educate yourself about addiction.

You need to stay strong and healthy for your relative that is ill. Put your energy into helping them.

Good luck!

AnvilheadII

hon, he was all that BEFORE you came along. that wasn't his first trip to the ER or with doctors orders, or getting falling down drunk.

it's only new TO YOU. and that's the hard part. coming in to the scene so late, thinking our arrival can somehow CHANGE the plot. he didn't get this bad in the 7 months you've been together, nor the previous 7 years. you might as well go argue with an old growth cedar, telling it it needs to move 6 inches to the left.

of course you care. of course you are worried. you can call 911 and request a Care Call to the residence if you truly feel he is in danger. but then you gotta let it go..........sad as that is. sorry.

Ixi

You know the old saying, you can lead an alcoholic to treatment but you can't make him not drink... that's how that goes, right?

Felicia, I am also dealing with a recent break-up with my alcoholic boyfriend. In January, he ended up in the ER, and needed to be intubated. He genuinely nearly died. Whenever he talked about it, he said he should have died that night-he realizes how close he is to dying if he keeps drinking. But that was 9 months ago, and his last drink was this Saturday (and even then, the only reason he hasn't drank since then is he has been in protective custody after threatening suicide).

Nothing will "make" an alcoholic stop. When he's ready, he'll do what he needs to do. There's nothing you can do by trying to make him be ready sooner besides cause yourself pain

Dojang

Felicia, I know you want to help him and to understand. I get that. I was there in June. I kept trying to help. My ex has been hospitalized with a BAC of .4 and .425. He went to rehab in June for a month. His 1st stop out of rehab was a liquor store. I came here to find out how to help him. Everyone told me I couldn't help him, I could only help myself. I was upset by the responses because it wasn't what I wanted to hear. So I kept going back. He was so drunk he fell on top of me & put me in the hospital. And I still went back. I am no longer with him and he's still drinking. The only one that can help him, is him. You will find a lot of support here. But it's honest support, no one will sugarcoat anything. Take care of yourself. You are the only one you can change. I feel your pain. We all do. We have all been there. I hope you realize sooner than I did, that you can't help him. As painful as that is to hear, it's the truth. We are all here for you.

FeliciaM

Thank you all so much for your replies and support. Shortly after posting I was thinking about the craziness of the past two weeks, realizing it's absurdity.

I have a lot to learn. The cruelty and disgust on his face at our final meeting when he said "don't waste your time on me" still hurts. I need to take my analyzing hat off for good! The whole (so called) relationship was toxic.

I feel used and stupid, and it makes me mad. He knew what he was doing. How could I fall for this bull?

Will I ever have closure?

Eauchiche

Dear Felicia
I finally decided two things:
1. My "picker" was broken, and I always chose addicts/alcoholics
2. I am better off alone.
Please get to AlAnon and work on you. Be well and be happy.
We are there for you!

Sara21

Hi Felicia,

Welcome to SR, but I'm sorry for what has brought you here. One of the things that helped me was to stop rationalizing what my AH was doing because there is simply no logic to it. How can someone continue to deliberately self-destruct and refuse the help of their loved ones? Addiction is an irrational disease and you can't argue with crazy, unless you want to end up crazy too.

Don't be too hard on yourself, you're not the first person to fall for someone with a drinking problem. It took you a few months to realize what was happening. It takes some of us YEARS to realize how toxic our relationship is.

You'll find a lot of support here from people that have been in your shoes and made it to the other side, stronger and better. You'll be ok too, even though it hurts a lot, you'll be ok. Good luck to you.

Hugs

FeliciaM

Eauchiche, my picker is broken too. I've been alone to long and have to much to offer. I dont want to shut myself off again. Forward I will go.

I found Al-anon meetings near me and will continue to read.

I deleted him from my phone and it's history. He is history!

To do this alone would be to painful. Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words.

FeliciaM

I know it won't be that easy.

SeriousKarma

Whoa Nelly! You need to put the breaks on when it comes to this kind of thinking, Felicia. You are not stupid. You were conned. Alcoholics are master manipulators. There's nothing wrong with being a trusting person, as long as you keep your eyes open. As far as I can tell you decided to walk when you saw that he was unwilling to change. That's a lot better than many of us here on these boards. It took me 20 years! Don't beat yourself up. Look at it as a learning experience. You now have insight into the wonderful world of addiction. Believe it or not, that insight can do you a lot of good as you move forward in your life. Especially if you decide to acknowledge the role it's played (even if for only seven months), and grow from it.

It happened. You move on. But never call yourself stupid. Call the disease smart.

lillamy

Because you're a normal, caring person -- and that's a good trait to have. When you stumble over someone who takes advantage of it, they are the ones in the wrong, not you.

You will have to provide your own closure. Don't expect it from him. My closure came from Al-Anon, SR, and therapy, figuring out first that I couldn't help my ex, and then figuring out why I got involved with a person who was clearly trouble from the get-go.