Why I can't ever be where I'm at.
Why I can't ever be where I'm at.
"Coping Mechanisms" are fascinating phenomena in the human psyche.
Growing up in a FULLY dysfunctional atmosphere provided me with escape hatches and an off kilter and wildly vivid imagination that would temporarily release me from the chains that bound.
It also left me with huge chunks of time missing from my life and the probability to recall any of them with any accuracy, rather slim to none.
While out with some high school friends last week that I hadn't seen in 20 plus years, stories were being told regarding my behavior that simply don't exist in my mind. The "blacked out trauma" and alcohol induced hazes, included with my circumstances at the time, apparently bled over to encompass many facets of my life. I can easily recall the horrors. The joys ? Not so much.
Life did really begin for me at 40. Its when I realized my drinking at the pace I was, was killing me. It's when I decided that something had to be done. Its when I chose to accept that the rest of my life could really be the best of my life.
But old habits, those bastards die hard...
I am trying so hard to live in the moment. It's not an easy feat for me because "moments" are where people die. I don't have experience with lengthy losses. Just one minute they are here, the next, gone. The alcohol helped me escape the present moment and perpetually kept me in the safety of the past where I could attach to those moments even if they were horrifying.
Weird right ?
I was getting a massage yesterday. (By the way, if a masseuse ever asks if you want your "glutes" massaged, just say YES. Do not hesitate. Just say yes. Immediately. You are welcome.) I could NOT stay present. I was all over the place, what am I going to make for dinner, gotta get those pants for her field trip, work meeting tomorrow, college essays, OMG - it's my 19th anniversary and I don't have a card much less something fabulous to pull out of my hat. The more I tried to shift my focus back to the present, the more aggravated I became because I couldn't. I just wanted the massage to hurry up and end so I could get on with my anxiety about all the moments that I wasn't in yet but undoubtedly wouldn't be present for either.
Sheesh.
A work in progress, this staying mindful stuff is. I have missed out on so much in this life experience, I don't want to miss another thing. Time is our greatest gift. It's an unrenewable resource. I want to feel all of it. Get in there and get messy and muddy from playing and jumping in puddles. Not just from sorrow. At my final breath, I want to be able to remember all of it.
Go skidding into the grave, body all bruised and battered from a life well lived. REALLY REALLY LIVED. And cherished.
And I especially want to remember the joys of being in body. Of having this vehicle that protected me, albeit sometimes too much. And somehow transported me through what should have quite honestly killed me, a significant number of times in a myriad of ways. And I want to relish in those moments, proud of a job well done.
And butt massages. I especailly don't ever want to forget those.
Growing up in a FULLY dysfunctional atmosphere provided me with escape hatches and an off kilter and wildly vivid imagination that would temporarily release me from the chains that bound.
It also left me with huge chunks of time missing from my life and the probability to recall any of them with any accuracy, rather slim to none.
While out with some high school friends last week that I hadn't seen in 20 plus years, stories were being told regarding my behavior that simply don't exist in my mind. The "blacked out trauma" and alcohol induced hazes, included with my circumstances at the time, apparently bled over to encompass many facets of my life. I can easily recall the horrors. The joys ? Not so much.
Life did really begin for me at 40. Its when I realized my drinking at the pace I was, was killing me. It's when I decided that something had to be done. Its when I chose to accept that the rest of my life could really be the best of my life.
But old habits, those bastards die hard...
I am trying so hard to live in the moment. It's not an easy feat for me because "moments" are where people die. I don't have experience with lengthy losses. Just one minute they are here, the next, gone. The alcohol helped me escape the present moment and perpetually kept me in the safety of the past where I could attach to those moments even if they were horrifying.
Weird right ?
I was getting a massage yesterday. (By the way, if a masseuse ever asks if you want your "glutes" massaged, just say YES. Do not hesitate. Just say yes. Immediately. You are welcome.) I could NOT stay present. I was all over the place, what am I going to make for dinner, gotta get those pants for her field trip, work meeting tomorrow, college essays, OMG - it's my 19th anniversary and I don't have a card much less something fabulous to pull out of my hat. The more I tried to shift my focus back to the present, the more aggravated I became because I couldn't. I just wanted the massage to hurry up and end so I could get on with my anxiety about all the moments that I wasn't in yet but undoubtedly wouldn't be present for either.
Sheesh.
A work in progress, this staying mindful stuff is. I have missed out on so much in this life experience, I don't want to miss another thing. Time is our greatest gift. It's an unrenewable resource. I want to feel all of it. Get in there and get messy and muddy from playing and jumping in puddles. Not just from sorrow. At my final breath, I want to be able to remember all of it.
Go skidding into the grave, body all bruised and battered from a life well lived. REALLY REALLY LIVED. And cherished.
And I especially want to remember the joys of being in body. Of having this vehicle that protected me, albeit sometimes too much. And somehow transported me through what should have quite honestly killed me, a significant number of times in a myriad of ways. And I want to relish in those moments, proud of a job well done.
And butt massages. I especailly don't ever want to forget those.
It took me a long time not to live in next week, AO. Next week was fantasy, it was safe and it could be anything I wanted.
The ultimate destination for a (terrified) control freak
It was hard to live in the now, to be in reality, without a net.
I've grown to like it tho.
It's a nice retirement after my Manager of the Universe position fell through ...
D
The ultimate destination for a (terrified) control freak
It was hard to live in the now, to be in reality, without a net.
I've grown to like it tho.
It's a nice retirement after my Manager of the Universe position fell through ...
D
I really struggle with mindfulness too. I live in my head a lot and get lost in my thoughts. It makes it hard to live a full and present life when you aren't fully present. Mindfulness is wicked hard, but I know there are some books out on it that might be helpful.
And I'm totally with you on the butt massages, they are the best ever!
And I'm totally with you on the butt massages, they are the best ever!
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I heard a piece of advice on this, it might help, definitely helped me.
Ask yourself "How are things right NOW"
Example: here I am right NOW ... cooking dinner ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... I'm cooking dinner ... its actually pretty cool.
Here I am right NOW ... stirring the casserole ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... Jeez this looks yummy.
Here I am right NOW ... eating the casserole ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... this casserole is bloody delicious.
Later that evening ...
Here I am watching The Simpsons right NOW ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope ... Jeez Homer does some funny stuff.
Later on again
Here I am right NOW ... going to bed SOBER ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope ... I'm going to bed SOBER ..... what a bloody marvellous thing.
In the morning
Here I am right NOW ... waking up with no gut rot, sore head, bastard hangover ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope
Stuff like that ... it drove me a bit nuts, at first, when I tried this ... but then I caught myself grinning from ear to ear on the 5th time I asked myself in ten minutes ... and I didn't feel so nuts anymore.
I felt happy
Ask yourself "How are things right NOW"
Example: here I am right NOW ... cooking dinner ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... I'm cooking dinner ... its actually pretty cool.
Here I am right NOW ... stirring the casserole ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... Jeez this looks yummy.
Here I am right NOW ... eating the casserole ... anything bad happening ? Nope ... this casserole is bloody delicious.
Later that evening ...
Here I am watching The Simpsons right NOW ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope ... Jeez Homer does some funny stuff.
Later on again
Here I am right NOW ... going to bed SOBER ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope ... I'm going to bed SOBER ..... what a bloody marvellous thing.
In the morning
Here I am right NOW ... waking up with no gut rot, sore head, bastard hangover ... anything bad happening ? ... Nope
Stuff like that ... it drove me a bit nuts, at first, when I tried this ... but then I caught myself grinning from ear to ear on the 5th time I asked myself in ten minutes ... and I didn't feel so nuts anymore.
I felt happy
I have been in that mindset somewhat here. The future that includes selling utah and buying here feels so far away, I don't think about it or worry about it too much. There is absolutely nothing I can do to hurry this up. Now, I feel like I'm bobbing in the wind. I'm not sure I like this either.
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