Lost and hurt

Old 10-14-2014, 08:57 AM
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Lost and hurt

Hi everyone, this is my first post on here. I am struggling right now with a difficult relationship with an alcoholic. We met in the rooms of AA (I have just over 2 years sober) and hit it off pretty quickly. From what he shared in the meeting we met at, he had been in the program 2 years. Later I found out that he had actually relapsed 4 months prior. I was torn about getting involved with someone so new, but he convinced me that he was "fine" and of course I believed him because I wanted it to be true. Not too long into our relationship, he relapsed, I left, I came back, he relapsed again, etc. This has gone on for over 6 months.
For the last couple of weeks I have been able to distance myself physically and as best I could emotionally....the whole while knowing that he has been drinking very heavily. We ended up speaking on the phone recently and he was asking me to take him to the hospital to get medications for withdrawal. I declined, the last time I did that he ended up drinking along with the meds and it was a disaster. Very long story made as short as possible, he ended up calling an ambulance on himself (not the first time). I live in a very small town with a very small fellowship and am feeling very uncomfortable. I feel like I have already screwed up by staying too long, gotten in the way of his recovery, and now I am paranoid that people are thinking poorly of me for it. Part of me wants to isolate, never go to meetings in my town again. I feel unsupported and misunderstood. Ugh, this feels awful. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I'm feeling really lost.
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Old 10-14-2014, 09:15 AM
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I am so sorry this experience has you feeling this way.

I am guessing that if you were observing, rather than a part of, this whole thing, you would be a lot more sympathetic towards the players than you are towards yourself. People are usually much more concerned with whatever is going on in their own lives than they are with others. And those who might judge you need to keep an eye on their own inventory, no? Either way, what they think of you is none of your business.

You cannot change the choices you have made in the past. You can only move forward. I hope you don't let fear keep you from seeking the support you need for your own sobriety. Your ex is an adult capable of managing his own recovery, and capable of getting in his own way. I doubt he needs you to do that.

Sending you strength and courage to forgive yourself and move on.
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Old 10-14-2014, 09:32 AM
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of course I believed him because I wanted it to be true.
That's a large dose of truth there that I think a lot of us can relate to. That's what we do, as codependents. We believe them because we want it to be true.

Sparklekitty said
forgive yourself and move on.
and that's where I can relate to your situation. Forgiving yourself is hard -- often harder than forgiving other people. You beat yourself upside the head and tell yourself "I should have known better."

And I like Kitty's idea to see this from the outside for a second. If you came here and read the post you just made -- if someone else made it -- what would you tell that person? I think I would say "You are realizing that your actions might have stood in the way of his recovery. You're no longer taking those actions. But what actions are you taking for yourself? How are your actions helping your recovery?"

If you're felling ashamed to go back to an AA meeting, you could always go to an Al-Anon meeting for starters. I have a feeling the folks in those rooms would have a lot of understanding for you.

So you didn't really help his recovery. Well, my friend, that's something a lot of us here can relate to. As a "double winner" you probably have a deeper understanding of how that kind of "helping" doesn't help -- and that kind of understanding could be helpful for Al-Anoners who don't have the first-hand experience of addiction.

So I think I would see the experience not so much as something to beat myself up over as something that I could learn from, and something that could help other people if you shared it with them.

Be good to yourself.
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Old 10-14-2014, 02:29 PM
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Thank you so much for your replies. I realize I must take care of myself and there is no way to change the past. I am very hard on myself, seeing my mistakes in retrospect leaves me feeling so shameful. Definitely a learning experience.
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Old 10-14-2014, 05:59 PM
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Hi FHL
I understand how living in a small community your life is on stage for everyone to see. Learn from what happened and move forward. Don't beat yourself up over this. That won't lead to growth, joy, or freedom.
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Old 10-15-2014, 06:55 AM
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I am very hard on myself, seeing my mistakes in retrospect leaves me feeling so shameful.
I'm like you. I've forgiven the A I was married to. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Part of it for me is perfectionism. I don't expect it of others, but I hold myself to an impossible standard. It's cruel. And there's a lot of pride in it. It's almost like I'm saying "yeah, you peons can't be perfect, of course, but I should be able to." It's a weird mix of pride and self-loathing.
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Old 10-15-2014, 07:23 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
I'm like you. I've forgiven the A I was married to. I'm still working on forgiving myself. Part of it for me is perfectionism. I don't expect it of others, but I hold myself to an impossible standard. It's cruel. And there's a lot of pride in it. It's almost like I'm saying "yeah, you peons can't be perfect, of course, but I should be able to." It's a weird mix of pride and self-loathing.
You are definitely not alone here. I have a great fear of failing and screwing up, but am perfectly reasonable and relaxed when others make mistakes. However, I used to not be reasonable or relaxed with others' mistakes, so at least I know that progress is possible!

For me it's a thing of, "If I am perfect no one can hurt me." Not sure how many times I have to have that proven wrong for it to sink in...
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Old 10-15-2014, 07:47 AM
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I am going through a breakup that is so hurtful. You are in my thoughts.
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Old 10-15-2014, 07:52 AM
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Sparklekitty, I was in my late 40s when I realized that my entire life had been lived according to a subconscious belief that, well, wasn't really accurate:

I believed (I realized) that there is ONE right way of doing things. Everything. From putting the toilet paper roll in to brushing your teeth to relating to other people to choosing a career. And if you just do everything right, things will go well for you. The flip side of that (which is a logical error) is that if bad things happen to you, it's because you did something wrong.

Anyone who studied logic will laugh at that. But I truly believed that, without even being aware of it. So then I was judgmental of other people who had problems (because clearly, they wouldn't have had those problems if they had only done things right). And then when I ended up in an abusive marriage and with kids going in and out of mental hospitals, obviously I had done something terribly wrong and I had to punish myself.

That's a great way to feel miserable about yourself. I can recommend it if feeling miserable is your goal in life.

I've gotten over being judgmental of other people. And I really appreciate this:

"If I am perfect no one can hurt me."
It's taken me a lifetime to understand that I will get hurt in life. And that it's part of life. It's not a punishment for anything BAD I've done; it's not a wake-up call from my HP. It's just life. It's painful and horrible and absolutely amazing and wonderful. It's all of that.
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Old 10-15-2014, 10:35 AM
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FeliciaM-You are in my thoughts as well. Sending you love and strength.
Thank you all again for the support. What an amazing thing it is to be here for each other and not have to go through difficult times alone. So much of my life I thought it was showing strength to say "I've got this, I can handle it myself." Not true.
I have not contacted my ex, though it has been tempting- just to "check-in..." Its not easy, but I realize its best for both of us to not be in contact. Just for today, at least (its a lot easier to think of it that way)
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Old 10-15-2014, 11:00 AM
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I just noticed something today as I work through some compulsive overeating issues: It is just amazing what you can observe when you silence the din of self-criticism and contempt.

Ultimately I believe it's the ability to observe ourselves without judgment that leads to positive change.
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