Thought Week Ending 7/31, Acceptance

Old 07-27-2004, 06:27 AM
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Thought Week Ending 7/31, Acceptance

JT, Lorelai, everybody,
The suggestion of having a topic for the week is great. Let's get this rolling. We want your stories, experience, strength and hope about acceptance. Also if you have read anything that made a difference to you, let us know where to find it.
My acceptance started with acceptance of myself. For years I felt like I was a horrible person. I was the root of everyones' problems. I beat myself up for all the flaws that I saw in myself, including the fact that I couldn't make others happy. When I came into Al-Anon, I was told that I needed to accept myself, good, bad, and indifferent, exactly as I am. Before I could begin to change those things about me that were not healthy, I first had to accept that I wasn't just those traits. I have a lot of good traits that I didn't give myself credit for. Realizing that I was a good person with some unhealthy habits was much gentler than focussing only on the bad. It also gave me a lot of understanding that others were also this way. Being honest about who I am has allowed me to get to know me. That is one relationship I never had before. If I had treated someone else the way I treated myself, I would have hurt them very badly. Acceptance is the first step in forgiving and loving myself.

Now it's your turn.........I am looking forward to this! Magic
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:39 AM
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Great topic, Magic.

When I started working on Step 4 (still muddling through), I tried many approaches. One approach was to make a list of all of my personal characteristics that were good and all the ones that needed improvement.

My "Needs Improvement" list was easy and long. All of my failings were on the tip of my pen. My "Good" list was much harder and much shorter.

I told my girls (teenagers) about the list I was making and asked for suggestions. Throughout the next couple of weeks, they would notice something I was doing and say "Put that on your good list. You're a good cook. or You stopped to help that lady. or You are really funny." Sometimes they would say "Bad singer. Put that on your 'Needs improvement' list and stop singing."

The point to me was that, if I took the time to notice things I did in my life, I would find my assets. I just never took the time to notice them before.

Now, I often smile to myself when I see good traits in other people and say, under my breath, "Put that on your good list".
L
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:42 AM
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I am still on my quest to accept life on life's terms. I'm better than I used to be. Every once in a while, when I start trying to make things about Gabe's terms...I need an attitude adjustment and go see my emotional mechanic. Accepting life on life's terms means living in today and making the most of this 24.
Thanks for starting this Magic. Looking forward to the responses.
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Old 07-27-2004, 06:59 AM
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Acceptance for me

Acceptance for me is accepting responsibility to change myself and that I cannot change anyone else. This is a hard one to deal with when you really start to work at it, but I will perservere and try to embrace it each day. By doing so, it's funny, but you are really lifting a burden off your shoulders by admitting this but at the same time, adding another "burden" in it's place by knowing that it will be an ongoing process. I hope to find this less of a burden and more of a way of life, just like eating, sleeping, etc. It is necessary to stay "alive"! I thought the proverb below was appropriate.

Angels know your good bits and you bad bits, and they still love you.
- Proverb
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Old 07-27-2004, 10:55 AM
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Glad this is going. Good way to start the day.
.... Acceptance for me is accepting responsibility to change myself and that I cannot change anyone else. This is the first on the list. Hard one to do...after all these years of negative thinking and put-downs. I am using this forum as my advisor. Thanks.
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Old 07-27-2004, 12:50 PM
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I have accepted everything, now I am working towards the necessary adjustments to make life better for me. I began by accepting my natural self. By that I mean, I am a black women and more people know that black women where either fake hair or relax their hair. Most black women do not accept their natural hair, but I found the courage to do just that and I no longer have low self esteem about my physical appearance. I know I am beautiful, everyone created by the higher power is.

The second step was realizing and accepting the fact that alcohol has caused the misery in my family. Alcohol is the reason my mother is the way she is. It is why she is so dependent. I found out that alcoholism is a very real disease world wide and I found out that it has caused me to be the way I was. I wanted to fix people. I took it upon myself to take care of my mom when she was drunk. I dated foolish people hoping I can make them better. I could not accept compliments because I did not love myself. I realized my relationships with people were unhealthy because of the way I was raised. I was raised to survive, and I see how that affects my social skills. I realized that my grandmother and aunt mistreated me. They were not loving, they were not supportive, they did not treat me, the way an aunt and grandmother should. My mother is a terrible mother who puts herself first. No parent should jeopardize the well-being of their children for anything. I was in constant jeopardy.

The most important realization I came to understand and accept is that I dont have to take abuse. I dont have to 'fix' people, people have to fix theirselves. No one has the right to hurt me, no one has the right to trample all over me. I have to take care of myself especially since no one else will. I come first now. I have to set boundaries, I have to have better communication within my relationships in order to have better healthy friendships. I realized I do not have to tolerate my families abuse and that it is okay to move on with my life.

Now, it is time for me to learn how to take care of myself and be happy.

~Def
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Old 07-28-2004, 07:24 PM
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Accepting my family of origin was a big one Def. It is not that I ever blamed, but when my eyes were opened to how I got where I was it was shocking to me. I thought I had been making decisions, when all along I had been reacting. Accepting my family was not a problem...deep down I knew I could not go back and change it. But the realization, for me, was life changing.

Accepting life on life's terms, like Gabe said, is what I have to do. Otherwise I am fighting everything that comes my way. It is much more calming to know that it is what it is and that crying and suffering over it is a choice not a requirement.

JT
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Old 07-29-2004, 05:52 AM
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def - great post - you are beautiful!

cw
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Old 07-29-2004, 02:11 PM
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I am still working on accepting the fact that I will never be able to make everyone happy, whole and well. It just isn't my job.
I can only please one person, I can only live up to my expectations, and I have to accept my limitations as well.
Living with the family disease of alcoholism, distorts my reality, I accept the fact I need a support group to help me sort out all the feelings that go with the disease. I need people in my life to help me accept only my responsibilities.
Today I believe we are all broken and being in a "we" program , means I am no longer in this alone.
Most of all I must accept the fact that I must live life on life's terms and not mine. Swimming with the current not against it. I know today that I need no longer put up with unacceptable behavior from those around me. Even with a knot in my stomach, I can live through a confrontation and accepting violence is never an option.
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Old 07-29-2004, 10:09 PM
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I've enjoyed reading this.

I could take many angles on acceptance. I will state that which I have found most difficult and most rewarding to have learned. I have learned that acceptance is forgiving myself for making choices I now see were backwards. Acceptance is knowing I don't always know what is best and knowing I can live with that AND be happy. Acceptance is letting go of dreams when I cannot control the outcome of that dream. Acceptance is loving others with no conditions. In final, acceptance can be challenging, and isn't always easy!

(((((hugs)))))
Terry
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Old 07-30-2004, 01:58 AM
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Acceptence is challenging and I have alot to learn.....but we can learn something new each and everyday! I am up for the CHALLENGE...how about YOU??????
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Old 07-30-2004, 07:44 AM
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One of the things I am having to accept is the fact ... and it IS a fact... that I am in control of me. If people or events prevent me from doing something, it is because I allowed that change to happen. I need to accept that challenges to ~MY~ plans are God testing my commitment or trying to tell me that I should be doing something else. How I respond to that challenge is my choice. It has always been so.

My family often interupts me when I am performing a task. Yet, when I am sitting quietly next to them, watching TV or whatever, they do not seek my attention. If I am loading the dishwasher, my husband will often stand in between me and the dishwasher. I used to glare at him because "HE" was keeping me from finishing the dishes. Now I just wait patiently while he conveys his message. Sometimes he will ask if he is "in the way" and I will just smile. I think the next time he asks me if he is in the way, I will tell him "no, you never have been and you never will be."
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Old 07-30-2004, 08:04 AM
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Great Topic, I was just writing to a friend about this very thing. Acceptance means that some things and situations just are. They exist, and no amount of effort on my part will change them. Acceptance is not giving up, its realizing that situations you don't like exist, and may continue to exist forever. When I can get my thinking to real acceptance, then it is as if a hugh burden is unloaded from my sholders. When I accept something, I don't have to keep trying to find a way to fix it. I can finnaly move my attention to other more positive things. The thing I don't like just is, and now for something completely different................ Wow, I can just live with some things I don't like, I don't have to try to improve them, just live with them.

I found when I was trying so hard to improve things, that things didn't improve, and I felt defeated. Now if I can accept certain circumstances, then I can focus on small victories. So slowly my attitudes are shifting, but it is happening, that is the power of acceptance.
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Old 07-30-2004, 09:26 AM
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You , guys are just great…….this is a great thread……..I want to be where some of you are so bad…..and I know that I will one day…….but I know that I have a long way to go…..I do realize that I cant control anyone but me…….and man am I hard to control………oh boy……..I am still working on controlling me……lol, I might be stuck here for awhile….but reading all the posts it gives me encouragement to continue on this journey……I am starting to realize when I am getting out of control a lot sooner……..and I am making a conscious effort to say, hey wait a minute…….you are doing it again…….and then I calm myself down so I don’t get completely out of control……I think I have learned that other people’s words are just words…….and they are their opinions and just because I don’t share the same opinion with them…..it is not my duty to convince them otherwise…….I gain nothing but two very frustrated individuals………I am going to try a new approach on things………
 
Old 08-01-2004, 07:14 AM
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Daf you always make me think.

I neglected the part about accepting myself. When I first came to recovery and realized what my part had been in the whole dynamic I literally crumbled. The only thing that caused me to be able to hold my head up again was acceptance...of myself. I had done the best I knew how to do.

This thread has reminded me to keep acceptance up front in my consciousness each and every day.

Hugs,
JT
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