Your First Relationship after Your A
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Your First Relationship after Your A
I have been officially separated from my alcoholic husband for 2 years after 18+ years of marriage. I think I went into some sort of hibernation at some point during my marriage, the extent to which I am only realizing as I slowly wake up and discover more bits and pieces of myself that I'd forgotten.
I have been seeing someone for a few months. When I first met him and we talked I thought there was a really great connection, but then I didn't see him again for a while and I had other dramas going on at the time.
But lately he has been in my life an awful lot and I like him so much it is ridiculous.
Just, I can't trust him or myself. When I am with him and he stares at me and seems completely enamoured with me, I believe in him. And I respond in kind.
But once he's gone I start to disbelieve everything he is and everything he's said. I give him my heart when we are together lately but I am ready for disaster as soon as I am alone again.
Have any of you experienced this tremendous uncertainty? I am naturally a loving and trusting person, as most of us are, but all my experience with xah ( and this forum) makes me question everything.
Either he's a big fat smooth-talking liar or I am absurdly unable to trust a very good guy that's fallen pretty hard for me of late.
I have been seeing someone for a few months. When I first met him and we talked I thought there was a really great connection, but then I didn't see him again for a while and I had other dramas going on at the time.
But lately he has been in my life an awful lot and I like him so much it is ridiculous.
Just, I can't trust him or myself. When I am with him and he stares at me and seems completely enamoured with me, I believe in him. And I respond in kind.
But once he's gone I start to disbelieve everything he is and everything he's said. I give him my heart when we are together lately but I am ready for disaster as soon as I am alone again.
Have any of you experienced this tremendous uncertainty? I am naturally a loving and trusting person, as most of us are, but all my experience with xah ( and this forum) makes me question everything.
Either he's a big fat smooth-talking liar or I am absurdly unable to trust a very good guy that's fallen pretty hard for me of late.
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Pippi,
If this is one of the married guys, then I think you are having red flag feelings when the guy leaves because he is not honest. If the guy is not being honest to ANYONE, you the wife, whomever, then he ain't trustworthy and sooner or later that untrustworthiness will come back to bite you in the butt.
The first guy I dated post A was someone I had been friends with for about a decade. He always had a crush on me. I went out with him totally being honest with him and had no real expectations of him other than if we are intimate, then we only date each other. No other women for him or men for me. He agreed, at least I thought he agreed as he never disagreed and continued seeing me for about 6 weeks until I found out he had an out of state girlfriend. I was livid as before we got together I explicitly said that I will not get involved if you are dating someone else, period. Anyway, I cut him out of my life immediately without regret. He contacted me a couple of times, but I did not answer or respond.
I think you should be honest with yourself about what you expect from a man who is involved with someone else regardless of how he might downplay that relationship. Men talk trash about their wives/girlfriends yet stay with them. Lots of them do that.
After having been with a jackass, why not wait for someone with higher character and a real adult man?
If this is one of the married guys, then I think you are having red flag feelings when the guy leaves because he is not honest. If the guy is not being honest to ANYONE, you the wife, whomever, then he ain't trustworthy and sooner or later that untrustworthiness will come back to bite you in the butt.
The first guy I dated post A was someone I had been friends with for about a decade. He always had a crush on me. I went out with him totally being honest with him and had no real expectations of him other than if we are intimate, then we only date each other. No other women for him or men for me. He agreed, at least I thought he agreed as he never disagreed and continued seeing me for about 6 weeks until I found out he had an out of state girlfriend. I was livid as before we got together I explicitly said that I will not get involved if you are dating someone else, period. Anyway, I cut him out of my life immediately without regret. He contacted me a couple of times, but I did not answer or respond.
I think you should be honest with yourself about what you expect from a man who is involved with someone else regardless of how he might downplay that relationship. Men talk trash about their wives/girlfriends yet stay with them. Lots of them do that.
After having been with a jackass, why not wait for someone with higher character and a real adult man?
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Join Date: Oct 2012
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I think this is codependent behaviour, putting too much focus on the other person.
You need to work your own recovery & enjoy life when you are not with him.
Focus on yourself & do things you enjoy doing, if you don't know what they are try some new things.
You need to work your own recovery & enjoy life when you are not with him.
Focus on yourself & do things you enjoy doing, if you don't know what they are try some new things.
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"Either he's a big fat smooth-talking liar or I am absurdly unable to trust a very good guy that's fallen pretty hard for me of late."
It could be either of the above, or a combination of the two.
And the truth is, there is no way to know for sure, right now, during early dating.
As codependents, we cannot trust our gut registers of people, because we've gone through years of cognitive dissonance through which we have lost our ability to intuit truth. As brave and powerful independent women, who finally distanced ourselves from our addicted/alcoholic partners, we struggle to believe, because we deeply hope that our experience was specific to that person, and have done some work to know that we are worthy of love and good care.
Hopeful and demoralized. Trusting and suspicious. Whole and fragmented. Enthusiastic and bitter.
That's us, dating anew.
The trouble is, we really don't know. We didn't know with the individual human we loved last (at first) and we truly don't know with the individual human we are dating now.
What has changed is the ability to self protect while also taking the risk of opening to someone.
In my case, what I remind myself is that I can trust fully until I have an experience that teaches me that my trust is wrongly placed, HOWEVER I also keep money separate, keep my lovely little house, my independent life, my kick a** job, my circle of friends, my projects and hobbies, and my self esteem safely protected and not woven into the new relationship. A nice, tidy, healthy, boundary between mine, yours, and ours. A healthy man will not even find this strange...
There is nothing to lose in trust and love, until you make something vulnerable to be lost.
Healthy love is supposed to enhance your life, add to it. For many of us, the mistake is that when we find the "love" we turn our life over to that love - our identity, our daily choices, our sense of our edges. We believe that love is a full merging of lives.
It doesn't have to be that way. You can enjoy time spent with someone, vacation together, adventure together, eat together, make love together, grow together, and you don't have to give up any of what you have built. You don't even have to share all your secrets.
After a long, long time, you might deeply know the answer to your question above. But if it turns out that he's not right for you, so what, you had a great connection, lots of happiness, and it simply didn't work.
Smooth talking liars want something. If the only thing you're offering is your lovely companionship, but you have clear, solid boundaries around everything else, the fella with the agenda will be on his way to find a woman with non-existent boundaries. The man with integrity will be trying to figure out how to support you with what you need, and won't have a "taking agenda" beyond hoping that you eventually care about him.
That's how you ultimately will know the difference...
It could be either of the above, or a combination of the two.
And the truth is, there is no way to know for sure, right now, during early dating.
As codependents, we cannot trust our gut registers of people, because we've gone through years of cognitive dissonance through which we have lost our ability to intuit truth. As brave and powerful independent women, who finally distanced ourselves from our addicted/alcoholic partners, we struggle to believe, because we deeply hope that our experience was specific to that person, and have done some work to know that we are worthy of love and good care.
Hopeful and demoralized. Trusting and suspicious. Whole and fragmented. Enthusiastic and bitter.
That's us, dating anew.
The trouble is, we really don't know. We didn't know with the individual human we loved last (at first) and we truly don't know with the individual human we are dating now.
What has changed is the ability to self protect while also taking the risk of opening to someone.
In my case, what I remind myself is that I can trust fully until I have an experience that teaches me that my trust is wrongly placed, HOWEVER I also keep money separate, keep my lovely little house, my independent life, my kick a** job, my circle of friends, my projects and hobbies, and my self esteem safely protected and not woven into the new relationship. A nice, tidy, healthy, boundary between mine, yours, and ours. A healthy man will not even find this strange...
There is nothing to lose in trust and love, until you make something vulnerable to be lost.
Healthy love is supposed to enhance your life, add to it. For many of us, the mistake is that when we find the "love" we turn our life over to that love - our identity, our daily choices, our sense of our edges. We believe that love is a full merging of lives.
It doesn't have to be that way. You can enjoy time spent with someone, vacation together, adventure together, eat together, make love together, grow together, and you don't have to give up any of what you have built. You don't even have to share all your secrets.
After a long, long time, you might deeply know the answer to your question above. But if it turns out that he's not right for you, so what, you had a great connection, lots of happiness, and it simply didn't work.
Smooth talking liars want something. If the only thing you're offering is your lovely companionship, but you have clear, solid boundaries around everything else, the fella with the agenda will be on his way to find a woman with non-existent boundaries. The man with integrity will be trying to figure out how to support you with what you need, and won't have a "taking agenda" beyond hoping that you eventually care about him.
That's how you ultimately will know the difference...
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Arizona
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Pippi,
I think I understand what you are trying to explain. I too am seeing someone, and although my brain tells me all is OK, sometimes, my gut wants to second guess. I think Heartcore has the right idea. Keep definite boundaries in place, and take your time. I realize that I am still in the throws of full fledged codyism, so I have to make a real effort to keep myself in check.
I think I understand what you are trying to explain. I too am seeing someone, and although my brain tells me all is OK, sometimes, my gut wants to second guess. I think Heartcore has the right idea. Keep definite boundaries in place, and take your time. I realize that I am still in the throws of full fledged codyism, so I have to make a real effort to keep myself in check.
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No, I'm done with that. But after last summer with the marrieds and after xah, I don't believe anything any more, it seems. I worry about myself sometimes. Because now I seem to be in what most people would refer to as a real relationship, I have one foot out the door the whole time. It's just not normal. And he's nervous about me, cause he seems to think I have lots of men in my life, because of all the sports I do, so in a way he's right. And because a lot of people talk to me.
It's confusing me. Maybe I am just not ready yet. Or maybe I need to date someone who isn't so charming and smart and attractive who I like so well. Makes me nervous, being with someone who makes me melt like that.
It's confusing me. Maybe I am just not ready yet. Or maybe I need to date someone who isn't so charming and smart and attractive who I like so well. Makes me nervous, being with someone who makes me melt like that.
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Just caught up with the other replies.
Yes, I only see him once or twice a week and have lots else going on in my life and he knows it. He seems to be attracted to me because of character issues and we have a bajillion interests/experiences in common...we have tons of fun and laugh like kids.
He says he has feelings for me and he looks at me all googly-eyed...and a few days ago he said these magic words, 'you can rely on me'. Also, 'it might just work out with us. Not every relationship has to end.'
Do jerks say such things? I sure hope not. Do jerks go mountain biking in the middle of the night with you and trade training tips and then go off with their secret girlfriend later? I don't know any more. It wouldn't seem like it to me, but he is too charming for me to know what to believe. Charming seems problematic.
Yes, I only see him once or twice a week and have lots else going on in my life and he knows it. He seems to be attracted to me because of character issues and we have a bajillion interests/experiences in common...we have tons of fun and laugh like kids.
He says he has feelings for me and he looks at me all googly-eyed...and a few days ago he said these magic words, 'you can rely on me'. Also, 'it might just work out with us. Not every relationship has to end.'
Do jerks say such things? I sure hope not. Do jerks go mountain biking in the middle of the night with you and trade training tips and then go off with their secret girlfriend later? I don't know any more. It wouldn't seem like it to me, but he is too charming for me to know what to believe. Charming seems problematic.
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Charming seems problematic.
That's the only thing I would trust.
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If I had to guess, I'd say this one has been a player for a while and doesn't admit it to himself. And he actually has feelings for me. Which is confusing him. But he's going with it. Because we are having a great time together.
And I am noting things that give me some reason for concern. And seeing some lovely qualities. And maybe I am not the most straight forward non-complicated human on the planet so we are kind of evenish.
And I am noting things that give me some reason for concern. And seeing some lovely qualities. And maybe I am not the most straight forward non-complicated human on the planet so we are kind of evenish.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
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Take this with a grain of salt because I am no relationship expert-the only serious relationship I've ever been in was with an alcoholic!-but I say don't overanalyze it. Maybe it will end badly. But maybe it won't and you'll be happy with him for a long time to come. Don't project your past relationships onto your new relationships and let yourself be happy!
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Either he's a big fat smooth-talking liar or I am absurdly unable to trust a very good guy that's fallen pretty hard for me of late.
and ALL that means....you aren't ready. you have so much CRAP still going on with your husband from whom you are not yet divorced, you just started a new job and have yet to adjust to that and feel confident you can support yourself and your children, you just got thru messing around with THREE married men, and you are involved in sports that also immerse you in other men.........you're all over the place. there isn't enough you all in one place for more than 10 minutes and thus there isn't any YOU to be a part of anything.
not yet. you need to take a good look at this craving you have to be around and involved with men. lots of them. charming. rich. captivating. untrustworthy.
when you can sit with someone, without worry, just BEING, and not worry what they think, if they are out to get you, if you need to act in a certain way, or if there is anything more to it than THIS moment.....then you'll be ready....because you will have taken THE TIME to resolve the issues in your past, to sort it all out, to make peace and not carry any of that crap along with you!
you have to do the work. the inner work.
sure it's romantic as hell to be all goggly eyed and star struck...but if you can't think straight.....you can't make an informed decision. chemical reaction is just that....reaction.
and ALL that means....you aren't ready. you have so much CRAP still going on with your husband from whom you are not yet divorced, you just started a new job and have yet to adjust to that and feel confident you can support yourself and your children, you just got thru messing around with THREE married men, and you are involved in sports that also immerse you in other men.........you're all over the place. there isn't enough you all in one place for more than 10 minutes and thus there isn't any YOU to be a part of anything.
not yet. you need to take a good look at this craving you have to be around and involved with men. lots of them. charming. rich. captivating. untrustworthy.
when you can sit with someone, without worry, just BEING, and not worry what they think, if they are out to get you, if you need to act in a certain way, or if there is anything more to it than THIS moment.....then you'll be ready....because you will have taken THE TIME to resolve the issues in your past, to sort it all out, to make peace and not carry any of that crap along with you!
you have to do the work. the inner work.
sure it's romantic as hell to be all goggly eyed and star struck...but if you can't think straight.....you can't make an informed decision. chemical reaction is just that....reaction.
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Do you know what would be really sad?
Here I have met someone who is rock solid, capable, reliable, smart, strong and ridiculously sexy and we share enormous amounts of common interests and experiences. I am totally crazy about him when I allow myself to relax a minute. And he loves me and keeps telling me he is with me.
And I can't enjoy my good fortune. Because I am so paranoid and cautious after xah trying to destroy me the way he has.
I didn't even know to look out for the things that worry me so now. Because those possibilities would have seemed perfectly crazy.
I think I have issues to work out all right :-)
But I am going to keep living this delicious life as if we are all good people doing our best on this dear planet. And I like your advice. It is going to take time and there is no way to quickly figure out how this thing is going to turn out. I just have to put my best self forward and be happy in the moment and not get all tied up in knots about crazy remote possibilities. And get myself and my life in order along the way.
Just succeeded in making an appointment with my tax advisor. He isn't going to believe the financial mess I am in. I thought getting a job would help more. And that I would have the money from my divorce by now.
I am a mouse still caught in a cage searching for a door where there isn't any. Only my mind is free!
Thank you!
Here I have met someone who is rock solid, capable, reliable, smart, strong and ridiculously sexy and we share enormous amounts of common interests and experiences. I am totally crazy about him when I allow myself to relax a minute. And he loves me and keeps telling me he is with me.
And I can't enjoy my good fortune. Because I am so paranoid and cautious after xah trying to destroy me the way he has.
I didn't even know to look out for the things that worry me so now. Because those possibilities would have seemed perfectly crazy.
I think I have issues to work out all right :-)
But I am going to keep living this delicious life as if we are all good people doing our best on this dear planet. And I like your advice. It is going to take time and there is no way to quickly figure out how this thing is going to turn out. I just have to put my best self forward and be happy in the moment and not get all tied up in knots about crazy remote possibilities. And get myself and my life in order along the way.
Just succeeded in making an appointment with my tax advisor. He isn't going to believe the financial mess I am in. I thought getting a job would help more. And that I would have the money from my divorce by now.
I am a mouse still caught in a cage searching for a door where there isn't any. Only my mind is free!
Thank you!
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Join Date: May 2010
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Pippi, give it time. Actions over the long haul is where you can determine if you can depend on a person or not. You have been through so much you are having a hard time judging his character, and that is absolutely ok. So...just enjoy yourself for now. Date. HAVE FUN!!!!!
XXX
XXX
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng 
Just succeeded in making an appointment with my tax advisor. He isn't going to believe the financial mess I am in. I thought getting a job would help more. And that I would have the money from my divorce by now.
I am a mouse still caught in a cage searching for a door where there isn't any. Only my mind is free!
Thank you!
I am a mouse still caught in a cage searching for a door where there isn't any. Only my mind is free!
Thank you!
You are on the right track, it is just a slow process.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
I'd say this one has been a player for a while and doesn't admit it to himself. And he actually has feelings for me. Which is confusing him.
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I have been seeing someone for a few months
how can you be IN LUUUUVVVVV after only a few months with all your other activities going on? you know that sounds like somebody in their 20s, not a 18+ year married woman with FOUR kids. you say he's a player...i beg to differ.......i think you're the one PLAYING. treating them like toys, for the distraction. it's interesting that every single man you've described here has the exact same characteristics....handsome, sexy, gorgeous, blah blah blah, and they are soooo into you. you are seeing exactly what you want to see, creating illusions, pipe dreams.
Because I am so paranoid and cautious
ha, oh that's rich. cautious???? with whom? since when? paranoid? not SO paranoid about your actions that you stayed away from OPP. your actions do not match your words.
how can you be IN LUUUUVVVVV after only a few months with all your other activities going on? you know that sounds like somebody in their 20s, not a 18+ year married woman with FOUR kids. you say he's a player...i beg to differ.......i think you're the one PLAYING. treating them like toys, for the distraction. it's interesting that every single man you've described here has the exact same characteristics....handsome, sexy, gorgeous, blah blah blah, and they are soooo into you. you are seeing exactly what you want to see, creating illusions, pipe dreams.
Because I am so paranoid and cautious
ha, oh that's rich. cautious???? with whom? since when? paranoid? not SO paranoid about your actions that you stayed away from OPP. your actions do not match your words.
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Join Date: Oct 2013
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Originally Posted by PippiLngstockng
Here I have met someone who is rock solid, capable, reliable, smart, strong and ridiculously sexy and we share enormous amounts of common interests and experiences. I am totally crazy about him... And he loves me...
He is "the one" - without the bottle.
Honestly, for me, just the thought of dating again makes me want to throw up. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust again.
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