socalgurlie

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months. He recently switched jobs and it has been difficult as he does not have any savings and the job switch has put a financial strain on him.

He has asked me to borrow $600 which he says he will pay me back as soon as possible, but he also has borrowed money from a close friend. I am unsure if this will breed any unhealthiness in our relationship.

I just need some advice because I feel like I want to help him, but at the same time my gut tells me I shouldn't lend him the money.

Thanks for any support

hopeful4

Do not lend him money. The chances of you seeing that money again are nill. If you want to support him, take him to a money counseling service. Many do this for a free service, check w/your town.

I have seen many relations ruined b/c money exchanged hands that should not have.

Good luck!

SparkleKitty

Follow your guy. Whether you are dealing with an A, an RA, or none of the above, nothing will complicate a friendship or relationship more than the lending of money.

AnvilheadII

First rule of loaning money to friends: DON'T
Second rule if you insist on ignoring #1: Never loan what you can't afford to lose.
Third Rule: The GUT is never wrong.

jadealexander

Only give him money if you do not expect to see it again. Also if you give him money once he will expect do you give him it again when he needs it. I let my boyfriend "borrow" money knowing why he really needed it. So I am not going to tell you what to do. I would also question if he is using.

lillamy

I wouldn't lend money to an addict, recovering or not.
Maybe I'm a hardass, but part of recovery is learning to accept the consequences for your actions. Maybe what he needs to do is sell his truck and buy a $1,000 beater car? Maybe he needs to get a roommate? Maybe he needs to start cooking instead of eating fast food? I wouldn't know, because I don't know his life -- but I'm thinking he should figure that out. That's what the rest of us do -- when the income doesn't cover the expenses, you adjust the expenses.

socalgurlie

I know you are right. He is always complaining about being broke, but yet we go out to eat (we always split the tab). I know he doesn't have many expenses, but he doesn't seem to be responsible with the expenses he does have. It is making me wonder about the stability of our relationship and further more about me and why if I know this about the situation, why I am continuing on in this relationship. I have met many sober people who have their lives together, he just doesn't seem to have it together.

Sikofit

Socalgurlie, I think it's wise of you to take a hard look at what you're getting out of this relationship...he's in recovery already, so you're starting out with that hardship. Plus, he can't handle his money, two strikes...

And I say this as the mother of a handsome 22 yr old DS who lives paycheck to paycheck--I don't think he's in any way ready for a relationship either! But I'm trying not to be co-dependent by telling him how to save too much--he knows what he should do.

Anyway--just do some objective reflection, and I agree with the others--don't lend him the money!

lillamy

He's not "broke" -- he just sucks at managing money. You don't want to enable that.

CAPTAINZING2000

You're not a bank, that's where he needs to borrow money.

Thumper

I gave plenty of money to my then boyfriend. I didn't get it back - and didn't care if I got it back so while I may have been a little annoyed I loved him and loved helping people out. So that is what I did - that is my experience. As the years went on money became a HUGE issue in our marriage.

How has this shaped my idea of future relationships? I am not necessarily looking for a man with tons of money. I make my own money and I'm not overly materialistic or extravagant. What I do require is a man that can take care of himself and a man that can figure his own stuff out. I'm not a bank, a maid, or a personal organizer - and I'm crossing enabler right off the list.

socalgurlie

I have been asking myself this question hard all day. I think that it is time for me to let go, letting go of something I have built up to be something it is not is really what it has come down to. Making excuses and excusing him for behavior I am not okay with..it has beat down my confidence in myself and has me questioning my self worth. I am smarter, not smarter than him necessarily, but the situation as a whole. Now time to face the music, because it is LOUD and clearer than ever. Thank you everyone.

Thumper

What an amazing post. So much introspection, awareness, and courage to face reality.

Stand strong and be kind to yourself. Continue to reach out for support as you need it, here and IRL.