Shocked in AA meeting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Illinois
Posts: 230
Shocked in AA meeting
I am pretty much a lurker not a poster here, but if I didn't have SR and all of the things I have read regarding your stories and suggestions, I would not be at 47 days today. I have tried many, many times to quit until I found this site.
I added AA meetings to my toolbox along with AVRT, RR, WFS, recovery books, etc.
I attend a small AA early morning group on Saturday and Sunday. There are mostly older gentlemen there and they are very supportive and kind. My problem is connecting with the women. I have always gotten along much better with guys I guess, as they don't bring all the drama and snarky crap up all the time. I mainly just go to listen and learn from these people as I have horrible social anxiety issues.
Well, for the most part, I have been able to just walk away from some of the things these women say to me. I am very quiet and hate confrontation. But in Saturday's meeting, this woman was there that has been sober for many years. She took me aside and LAID into me about only attending meetings on weekends and not sharing during the meeting. She told me I would never succeed in my recovery that way and that I needed to seek out other meetings and share my story. I was shocked! I honestly didn't know what to say. So, being the doormat that I usually am, I thanked her and left. I felt horrible and mad all the way home and was really craving a drink, thinking "what the hell?"
I thought about all of the things I have read here regarding different ways and tools to use for your own recovery process. I trust what you have all gone through and share. I called my best friend and talked to her, then I talked to my son. I didn't drink.
Now I am just questioning everything. I know I shouldn't let other people and what they say get to me, but I have always done that. I was upset yesterday and didn't go to the Sunday meeting. I really missed it. Guess I'm just lost today. I don't want to go to another group. I have made some really good sober friends there that I trust. And she is not the first one to say some things to me. Maybe it's me??
I guess by typing this I answered my own question. Just take the things that help me and leave the rest? Or just use the other tools I have and not go back. Maybe I am just too sensitive.
Please share any thoughts. And thank you for sharing your experience here because it really does make a difference!
I added AA meetings to my toolbox along with AVRT, RR, WFS, recovery books, etc.
I attend a small AA early morning group on Saturday and Sunday. There are mostly older gentlemen there and they are very supportive and kind. My problem is connecting with the women. I have always gotten along much better with guys I guess, as they don't bring all the drama and snarky crap up all the time. I mainly just go to listen and learn from these people as I have horrible social anxiety issues.
Well, for the most part, I have been able to just walk away from some of the things these women say to me. I am very quiet and hate confrontation. But in Saturday's meeting, this woman was there that has been sober for many years. She took me aside and LAID into me about only attending meetings on weekends and not sharing during the meeting. She told me I would never succeed in my recovery that way and that I needed to seek out other meetings and share my story. I was shocked! I honestly didn't know what to say. So, being the doormat that I usually am, I thanked her and left. I felt horrible and mad all the way home and was really craving a drink, thinking "what the hell?"
I thought about all of the things I have read here regarding different ways and tools to use for your own recovery process. I trust what you have all gone through and share. I called my best friend and talked to her, then I talked to my son. I didn't drink.
Now I am just questioning everything. I know I shouldn't let other people and what they say get to me, but I have always done that. I was upset yesterday and didn't go to the Sunday meeting. I really missed it. Guess I'm just lost today. I don't want to go to another group. I have made some really good sober friends there that I trust. And she is not the first one to say some things to me. Maybe it's me??
I guess by typing this I answered my own question. Just take the things that help me and leave the rest? Or just use the other tools I have and not go back. Maybe I am just too sensitive.
Please share any thoughts. And thank you for sharing your experience here because it really does make a difference!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I don't agree with everything I hear/read here at SR, and I expect the same would be true at an AA meeting - or a SMART one, or LifeRing, or whatever. A lot of alcoholics have definite ideas on what works...
I think it's wise to seek counsel from more than one person in most things in life...recovery is certainly no exception...seek out those whose recovery is the kind you want
glad you didn't let it derail you too much Luper
D
I think it's wise to seek counsel from more than one person in most things in life...recovery is certainly no exception...seek out those whose recovery is the kind you want
glad you didn't let it derail you too much Luper
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wauconda, il
Posts: 15
You're doing a great job with YOUR recovery...no one can take that away from you. Keep doing what works for you. Like you, I need to work on getting a thicker skin and stop caring what people think.
Great job on staying sober. You should be so proud of yourself!!
Great job on staying sober. You should be so proud of yourself!!
All I have is Now
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Lonodn, England
Posts: 56
Hi Luper, I have experienced the same thing where people impose on what 'THEY' think I should be doing. There are no rules in AA. I attend AA meetings and I've started to take advice on board, but if it isn't right it isn't right. I've had a well intentioned person tell me to go through 12 steps in a day and sponsor on day 2. I then relapsed and felt awful. Most people are well intentioned but not always right. And horses for courses what works for them may not work for me. And its tiny steps. Don't let any one keep you out of a meeting you enjoy. And by thanking her and leaving I don't think you were a doormat at all. I think that's a sober way to act!! Well done. Go back and just give her a smile would be my advice. I can only imagine my reaction if she'd cornered me and I'd been drinking, lol It wouldn't have been as serene and sober as your reaction. Keep marching!!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
There are lots of rude people in the world and some are in AA. Why do you think she said what she said? Perhaps she has seen that new people that interact with the group tend to say around and get sober? Or maybe she was just being a witch. Either way, I wouldn't let it keep you from going to meetings if they help you.
Keeping it simple!
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Surrey, BC
Posts: 3,282
Originally Posted by Luper 
I guess by typing this I answered my own question. Just take the things that help me and leave the rest? Or just use the other tools I have and not go back. Maybe I am just too sensitive.
I got lots of advice I didn't ask for in early recovery, some I shelved till later, some I simply said I'll think about, said thanks and moved on. These people can offer you their opinion, you are not obligated to follow it.
It is not up to me to dictate how someone should do their recovery or tell them that they won't succeed. Quite frankly I hope someone would smack me upside the head if I ever did get like that. It is arrogance on my part and not good for my recovery. Just because I might be sober longer doesn't make me any smarter.
This is YOUR recovery you decide what works for you, it is your journey
.
Hears The Voice
Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Unshackled
Posts: 7,901
She needed daily meetings and to share at them to stay sober. She has extrapolated what worked for her to the entire population. It's a narrative fallacy, and it is quite common.
I don't think you're a doormat for not arguing with her. IMO there's less point in doing that than in doing what she was doing - laying into a stranger with her opinions on their sobriety. Like Pups said, she was trying to be helpful, she just wasn't very good at it. I'd thank her for taking the time to share her observations with me and then move on.
You got this.
Congrats on 47 days sober. Great Stuff!
I don't think you're a doormat for not arguing with her. IMO there's less point in doing that than in doing what she was doing - laying into a stranger with her opinions on their sobriety. Like Pups said, she was trying to be helpful, she just wasn't very good at it. I'd thank her for taking the time to share her observations with me and then move on.
You got this.
Congrats on 47 days sober. Great Stuff!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
The lady who confronted you is sick. Pay her not much attention. I have been to thousands of meetings and have never been approached such as that. She is not your Sponsor although the right Sponsor may be a good thing for you.
MM
MM
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I think you know the message was loud and clear but you just didn't like the delivery.
I think she has a point.
If you get to really know some people and let them get to know you. That is going to be a fabulous thing.
You can start to transform your life from shy, lonely and withdrawn. Be part of something, be part of the group, be part of others lives and let them be part of yours.
The other thing is just hanging around the fringe of the AA group... Who is going to call and see how you are?
Who is going to think about you when you don't show up and think "Oh Mary missed home group tonight, I hope she is ok, I'll give her a call and check"
The people in the group may not always deliver every message perfectly, but actions speak louder than words.... Someone cared enough about you to take you aside and tell you there is so much more on offer, if YOU want it.
Some people dismiss this as AA members "power tripping" or being "control freaks"..... But it's not.
The underlying message is "let us help, we want to help, let us show you the way, cause we've been there"
Most people get to AA in a similar state of mind to you.
Emotionally shot to pieces as a result of alcoholism.
No one turns up thinking "Gee my life is going so well, but I feel like some AA meetings would just complete my already near perfect life"
End of the day.... They are concerned for you, might not seem like it to you right now, but they are. Every group sees a dozen new members every year, drift in, hang around the fringe and drift off again.
I hope that helps... There are hints in your post that would indicate that you already know you need to reach out a bit more.
Go for it!!
You can do it
I think she has a point.
If you get to really know some people and let them get to know you. That is going to be a fabulous thing.
You can start to transform your life from shy, lonely and withdrawn. Be part of something, be part of the group, be part of others lives and let them be part of yours.
The other thing is just hanging around the fringe of the AA group... Who is going to call and see how you are?
Who is going to think about you when you don't show up and think "Oh Mary missed home group tonight, I hope she is ok, I'll give her a call and check"
The people in the group may not always deliver every message perfectly, but actions speak louder than words.... Someone cared enough about you to take you aside and tell you there is so much more on offer, if YOU want it.
Some people dismiss this as AA members "power tripping" or being "control freaks"..... But it's not.
The underlying message is "let us help, we want to help, let us show you the way, cause we've been there"
Most people get to AA in a similar state of mind to you.
Emotionally shot to pieces as a result of alcoholism.
No one turns up thinking "Gee my life is going so well, but I feel like some AA meetings would just complete my already near perfect life"
End of the day.... They are concerned for you, might not seem like it to you right now, but they are. Every group sees a dozen new members every year, drift in, hang around the fringe and drift off again.
I hope that helps... There are hints in your post that would indicate that you already know you need to reach out a bit more.
Go for it!!
You can do it
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Washington, MO
Posts: 2,306
Ya done good. Could be a time to take a short break. Maybe talk to some friends from the group about these folks and cipher if you're over-reacting or not. The hens of a group can be over-protective of new females for some good reasons--don't take it as a personal attack. The ratio of male to female is similar to that of a bar and the lone sheep analogy is not too far off the mark. They just want to see you stay on the beam. It's also in their program to seek out the newcomer to help and once one shares at a meeting they will be approached. It can be overwhelming in the beginning. Maybe another group in town?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,450
People can be jerks. Don't let that trigger you. I know that's triggered me. I consider myself a sensitive soul and let people's negative comments ruminate in my head like a festering wound. One of the toughest things to do is shrug off petty negative comments from insensitive human beings.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: Baton Rouge, La.
Posts: 15,238
I too enjoy and enjoyed being around
the sober men, especially the ones with
a number of yrs. sobriety. I like the old
school type that have the wisdom and
experience from the past and keep things
simple. No fluff. No drama like I would
hear from the women.
I went to my meetings for me and stuck
close to those I admired for their continued
success in recovery.
Sure there were many snoody folks I
ran across in meetings but I didn't let
them or tried not to let them ruffle my
feathers or keep me from what I wanted
and needed to hear and learn in recovery.
I stuck close to many who paved the path
of success in recovery for me to follow and
try to pass on that knowledge to those just
coming into recovery.
No drama is good and staying within
the principles and steps of recovery
is better, positive and effective.
the sober men, especially the ones with
a number of yrs. sobriety. I like the old
school type that have the wisdom and
experience from the past and keep things
simple. No fluff. No drama like I would
hear from the women.
I went to my meetings for me and stuck
close to those I admired for their continued
success in recovery.
Sure there were many snoody folks I
ran across in meetings but I didn't let
them or tried not to let them ruffle my
feathers or keep me from what I wanted
and needed to hear and learn in recovery.
I stuck close to many who paved the path
of success in recovery for me to follow and
try to pass on that knowledge to those just
coming into recovery.
No drama is good and staying within
the principles and steps of recovery
is better, positive and effective.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: C.C. Ma.
Posts: 3,697
Hi.
I understand your response as many of us are quite sensitive people and don’t suffer well. I’d almost bet that the message you got was quite accurate in general but the delivery was quite negative and probably not purposely.
From the preamble:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
What came to be the best advice I received in the beginning was KEEP COMING, even if I didn’t want to.
BE WELL
I understand your response as many of us are quite sensitive people and don’t suffer well. I’d almost bet that the message you got was quite accurate in general but the delivery was quite negative and probably not purposely.
From the preamble:
Our primary purpose is to stay sober and help other alcoholics to achieve sobriety.
What came to be the best advice I received in the beginning was KEEP COMING, even if I didn’t want to.
BE WELL
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: Lakeside, Ca
Posts: 10,208
I just found this in another thread.
It seems to fit in all so well here.
MM
It seems to fit in all so well here.
MM
Originally Posted by desypete
i can well imagine some of the new comers getting sucked into the control freaks of aa, sadly we can not rid ourselves of these types they linger around the rooms on the prowl looking for new recruits
some of us had to get heavy on one flock as they were targeting meetings and drove many peaceful loving aa memebers away from the meetings and the meetings closed 4 meetings closed down because of these holy rollers in aa
these sick puppys laugh there heads off as they believe there the only ones who are real aa or there real alcoholics
they know none of the pathetic tricks work with us guys who know aa and have been around a while lucky for me, the aa i belong to is one that lives by the program and even there god but they dont make it there mission in life to hound the hell of others who dont
they welcome them with open arms and let them get all the help they can have in there own time rather than the stick beaters
its all about controling others with them not helping them, and there is always an aa guru behind it all who might have a few years sober under his belt and directs his flock of small followers to do it his way and they are so brainwashed they do it
new comers will do anything mostly to try to fit in and this is the power these evil people pray on
i have seen so many people fall into these guys hands and then if and when they break free they will never again come back to aa as they have to hide away from these aa freaks shows
now i love aa and i wish it was perfect but sadly its not but then nothing every is
all i can do with anyone is try to steer them well away from the dangerous religious fanatics in aa who will like i say try to control and manipulate the new comer.
some of us had to get heavy on one flock as they were targeting meetings and drove many peaceful loving aa memebers away from the meetings and the meetings closed 4 meetings closed down because of these holy rollers in aa
these sick puppys laugh there heads off as they believe there the only ones who are real aa or there real alcoholics
they know none of the pathetic tricks work with us guys who know aa and have been around a while lucky for me, the aa i belong to is one that lives by the program and even there god but they dont make it there mission in life to hound the hell of others who dont
they welcome them with open arms and let them get all the help they can have in there own time rather than the stick beaters
its all about controling others with them not helping them, and there is always an aa guru behind it all who might have a few years sober under his belt and directs his flock of small followers to do it his way and they are so brainwashed they do it
new comers will do anything mostly to try to fit in and this is the power these evil people pray on
i have seen so many people fall into these guys hands and then if and when they break free they will never again come back to aa as they have to hide away from these aa freaks shows
now i love aa and i wish it was perfect but sadly its not but then nothing every is
all i can do with anyone is try to steer them well away from the dangerous religious fanatics in aa who will like i say try to control and manipulate the new comer.
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Jerks everywhere! Those that wear the long term sobriety halo in AA and purport to know exactly what every once else should do are obstacles. No one member speaks for AA.
Sorry you were caught off guard by an insensitive
! In her mind somehow, she probably was trying to be helpful - maybe??
Please don't let anyone run you out of the room. I know you are stressed over this but sometimes we need to toughen up some if we are of a sensitive nature. That was advice a sponsor shared. Sometimes people need to soften up.....just depends on person.
Stay your course - it's your recovery!!
Good decisions made!!! Proud of ya!
Fly
Sorry you were caught off guard by an insensitive
! In her mind somehow, she probably was trying to be helpful - maybe??Please don't let anyone run you out of the room. I know you are stressed over this but sometimes we need to toughen up some if we are of a sensitive nature. That was advice a sponsor shared. Sometimes people need to soften up.....just depends on person.
Stay your course - it's your recovery!!
Good decisions made!!! Proud of ya!
Fly
Guest
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Melbourne, Australia
Posts: 1,476
I don't think that fits in at all MMB.
No where does the OP mention being accosted by a group of holy rollers.
She said the older guys there are friendly and kind.
One woman said, essentially, that it's a good idea to participate a bit more by getting up and sharing... Maybe a little forceful, but delivered from a place of wanting to help.
Petes post and the OP are chalk and cheese.
I'm baffled as to how you've drawn a parallel.
No where does the OP mention being accosted by a group of holy rollers.
She said the older guys there are friendly and kind.
One woman said, essentially, that it's a good idea to participate a bit more by getting up and sharing... Maybe a little forceful, but delivered from a place of wanting to help.
Petes post and the OP are chalk and cheese.
I'm baffled as to how you've drawn a parallel.
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