Spouse/SO that is an alcoholic
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Deep South, US
Posts: 62
Spouse/SO that is an alcoholic
Hi everyone,
I'm in need of some help. I'm 6 weeks sober and was doing ok until a couple of days ago. I've been getting really irritated with my husband, who is also an alcoholic, but in denial and refuses to quit/slow down drinking. His brother is also an alcoholic and is at our house every weekend and they drink together all day while watching football. I have talked to my husband about him and his brother drinking and how I'm tired of it. Also, I have 2 sons, 5&8 yo, that I don't want them seeing daddy and uncle drunk all of the time. What is upsetting me is everytime I try to talk to AH, he turns everything around like it's my fault and will tell me "you were better off drinking"! Yesterday, his brother made a nasty comment to me and my husband told me to "get over it".
I think that he is mad b/c I'm no longer drinking and is trying to manipulate me into drinking again! I could just cry! He keeps snapping at me and making me feel bad. I feel like either I stay sober and risk our marriage, which I don't want to do, or I start drinking again and we will be "happy", which I don't want to do. Maybe it is me??? Maybe I'm just mean?? I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't go to any meetings b/c they are all at times when I can't go!! Is it possible for us in recovery to have healthy, happy marriages/relationships with those who are still using??
I need some hope!!
I'm in need of some help. I'm 6 weeks sober and was doing ok until a couple of days ago. I've been getting really irritated with my husband, who is also an alcoholic, but in denial and refuses to quit/slow down drinking. His brother is also an alcoholic and is at our house every weekend and they drink together all day while watching football. I have talked to my husband about him and his brother drinking and how I'm tired of it. Also, I have 2 sons, 5&8 yo, that I don't want them seeing daddy and uncle drunk all of the time. What is upsetting me is everytime I try to talk to AH, he turns everything around like it's my fault and will tell me "you were better off drinking"! Yesterday, his brother made a nasty comment to me and my husband told me to "get over it".
I think that he is mad b/c I'm no longer drinking and is trying to manipulate me into drinking again! I could just cry! He keeps snapping at me and making me feel bad. I feel like either I stay sober and risk our marriage, which I don't want to do, or I start drinking again and we will be "happy", which I don't want to do. Maybe it is me??? Maybe I'm just mean?? I just don't know what to do anymore and I can't go to any meetings b/c they are all at times when I can't go!! Is it possible for us in recovery to have healthy, happy marriages/relationships with those who are still using??
I need some hope!!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Eastern Us
Posts: 1,366
Marriages often change when a spouse gets sober. Mine sure did. One thing I certainly know is that if I could only manage my marriage while drinking then something was seriously wrong. Give yourself some time to become stable in your sobriety the perhaps reevaluate your marriage.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: UK
Posts: 283
my marriage didn't survive. i got into AA last October and by December we were through.
i hope you can work this out - but please put yourself first - if you don't have sobriety you can't make the right choices.
be well.
i hope you can work this out - but please put yourself first - if you don't have sobriety you can't make the right choices.
be well.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Wauconda, il
Posts: 15
What would be worse is having you children watch BOTH parents abuse alcohol. You're setting them up to become alcoholics. Children of alcoholics only know how to live in chaos. Think twice before you pick up that drink to "save your marriage".
Do your best
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 67,047
You need to look at the situation and get your husband to see it too if he wants to carry on drinking even tho you dont and he knows your alcoholic then serious serious questions must be asked
dont drink 6 weeks is fantastic hang in there with us but your husbasnd needs help and only he can make that call
does he live with you or do u live with him
what about some time away from him if its making u feel like this ?
dont drink 6 weeks is fantastic hang in there with us but your husbasnd needs help and only he can make that call
does he live with you or do u live with him
what about some time away from him if its making u feel like this ?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Grayslake, IL
Posts: 732
Congrats on 6 weeks 
. Unfortunately, we can't control other people, only ourselves. I know you love your spouse, but would you really want to drink just to keep your marriage/make him happy? You look after you, and I agree that your kids shouldn't have to be around drunkeness. Maybe your spouse will eventually see that and follow your example. Meanwhile, I pray he will at least be more supportive of you in your Sobriety.
Bunnez
. Unfortunately, we can't control other people, only ourselves. I know you love your spouse, but would you really want to drink just to keep your marriage/make him happy? You look after you, and I agree that your kids shouldn't have to be around drunkeness. Maybe your spouse will eventually see that and follow your example. Meanwhile, I pray he will at least be more supportive of you in your Sobriety.Bunnez
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Deep South, US
Posts: 62
Thank you for all of your support!!! I realize that I cannot change AH, but, I can change the way that I react to certain situations!! Anyway, we talked last night while he was sober and worked things out and I think that deep down he agrees with me!!!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
No disrespect intended, but he sounds unsupportive and downright mean.
Even if you did "drink to save the marriage," I would almost put money down that he will make fun of that decision and use it against you to hurt you.
I understand a spouse not wanting to quit drinking when their partner does, and I understand that to make such a thing work, a fair amount of discussion and negotiation have to take place. It doesn't sound like your fella is willing to talk or cares much about your experience.
I read a lot of posts on here, and the folks who seem to be able to make sobriety work with a drinking spouse appear to have partners who don't really drink too much anyway, who are willing to remove alcohol from the home initially, who choose not to drink around their partner until the recovering alcoholic decides they're ready, and who are proudly invested in their partner's success.
You deserve that kind of support. This is hard enough without being made fun of.
I can only speak for myself, but at this point in my life, I have to be willing to go to any lengths for my sobriety.
A marriage is a complex situation, not easily discarded, but I would make sure that I have alternate plans and environments with the children when he is drinking in the home, and would also start to create an exit plan. You may not need to use it, but making sure that you have real options could make a difference in how you are feeling (powerful vs. powerless).
Even if you did "drink to save the marriage," I would almost put money down that he will make fun of that decision and use it against you to hurt you.
I understand a spouse not wanting to quit drinking when their partner does, and I understand that to make such a thing work, a fair amount of discussion and negotiation have to take place. It doesn't sound like your fella is willing to talk or cares much about your experience.
I read a lot of posts on here, and the folks who seem to be able to make sobriety work with a drinking spouse appear to have partners who don't really drink too much anyway, who are willing to remove alcohol from the home initially, who choose not to drink around their partner until the recovering alcoholic decides they're ready, and who are proudly invested in their partner's success.
You deserve that kind of support. This is hard enough without being made fun of.
I can only speak for myself, but at this point in my life, I have to be willing to go to any lengths for my sobriety.
A marriage is a complex situation, not easily discarded, but I would make sure that I have alternate plans and environments with the children when he is drinking in the home, and would also start to create an exit plan. You may not need to use it, but making sure that you have real options could make a difference in how you are feeling (powerful vs. powerless).
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Sorry for all this mess....GOOD FOR YOU ON STAYING SOBER!
My wife doesn't really drink - 3-4 times per year, no alcohol in the house. I cannot imagine how tough this would be to stop and have another alcoholic around daily....wow.
I will say both my parents were alcoholics and Dad got sober - AA - while Mom just went on drinking. She was simply in denial.
I think what worked for my Dad was simply acceptance he couldn't change others. However, all the kids were grown and moved away.
Thoughts and prayers for you, keep working your program and perhaps seek outside counseling.
Ultimately as heatcore stated = sobriety at any cost!
may you find peace on your journey
Fly
My wife doesn't really drink - 3-4 times per year, no alcohol in the house. I cannot imagine how tough this would be to stop and have another alcoholic around daily....wow.
I will say both my parents were alcoholics and Dad got sober - AA - while Mom just went on drinking. She was simply in denial.
I think what worked for my Dad was simply acceptance he couldn't change others. However, all the kids were grown and moved away.
Thoughts and prayers for you, keep working your program and perhaps seek outside counseling.
Ultimately as heatcore stated = sobriety at any cost!
may you find peace on your journey
Fly
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