Luvbug6129

I have known my former Fiancé since high school. We decided to rekindle things, and soon became and item. Over a course of a year or so I discovered he was an alcoholic. His parents knew, but never said anything and had been trying to get him into treatment for years. As soon as I mentioned recovery he agreed to go. He went to MARR and really seemed to be doing great. A few months after getting out of halfway, he started acting weird towards me, and started refusing to go around my family or be around my son. Whom he was very very close with. I decided to tell him that it bothered me and he just kept coming up with excuses and went from a calm collected man to a firework. I had to tip tie around him. He started criticizing me about how I made the bed, how I walked, what I wore, everything. I started standing up for myself and he didn't like it. I didn't know this person anymore but I stuck through it and felt we would take advice from his advisor and do counseling. Before we could make it to that point it came to an end. One day I made dinner for his family, he was sweet, kissed me, loved the food. Afterwards, I took my son home and noticed he didn't call to see if I made it home which was strange. I stopped by his house after work, and he said he didn't love me, and wanted a break. I was devastated. He had no emotion about it, as if we never had any memories. I tried to cut off contact but he insists to keep talking to me. I'm confused and hurt. This happened 3 months ago and we still contact each other and see each other. He is talking to other women and did so 2 days after he broke up with me, after 3 yrs of being best friends and lovers. Do I need to completely cut ties and contact? Why did he do this?

Hammer

First, Welcome.

Sorry you are here.

Mental illness is pretty common underlying for Serious Alcoholics.

Often the Alcohol or other addictions are faulty attempts at self-medication.

lillamy

Hi,

Well -- I think you need to consider what is best for you and your son right now. Whether this guy chooses to stay sober or not is out of your control. What isn't is how much you let him play "come here -- go away" with your heart.

Why he did this, what he's thinking, what he's feeling -- that's all questions it's normal to want answers to. And also questions you may never get answers to. I know I asked myself many times how my ex could treat me and the children the way he did. I won't ever get an answer, but I decided after a while that it didn't matter -- what mattered was that it was impossible to live with, and that I didn't want it in my life.

When I read this, it's like reading a story about my own marriage:
So you spoke about your feelings, and he became angry. You started walking on eggshells around him and he started trying to control you. When you were you, he didn't like it. When you told him how you felt, he didn't like it.

Why is that a person you want in your life? I'm not being facetious here -- it's a question you could ask yourself. If you had a friend or coworker behaved like that, you would probably get as far away from them as you could. Why do we accept this kind of treatment from the people who are closest to us?

You don't have to break off contact with him. You don't have to do anything. But you can choose to not have people who make you nervous and anxious in your life. You can choose not to have people who are controlling and angry because you have feelings and a personality in your life. It's all up to you.

Luvbug6129

Thank you so much. It just helps to have someone that understands and someone outside if the picture just tell me like it is. I know deep down how it is, I just have never given up on anything really, but if I'm miserable, why continue? I am grateful for these replies!

sunday9

My almost XABF has been playing the "come here - go away" game with me for a few months. Moving out....moving back....moving out. I am the real insane one to allow someone to do that to me. I make excuses that he is an A and it is his disease. Heck, he uses that too...says he is confused and wishy washy. Has to live away to be "healthy" - sober during the week to keep his job. Spends weekends drinking. Says he wants to move back - maybe in a few months. Sees another woman. Yet blames me for because I "start it"...."argue"...."can't be ok with things"..."all I do is question him" or "want him to feel guilty" ---- when all I really want are answers. To understand what is going on or just be honest with me.

Luvbug6129

He has been sober a year now on the 10th. He doesn't drink anymore, so I am so confused. I cut off contact after I wrote this and I'm marking my calendar so I have a goal to reach. I know I will not get answers, and I will never know the whole truth, and I think that's why I kept holding on.

NWGRITS

It's not giving up. It's moving up and onward to better things. It's saving yourself from a potential lifetime of hell on earth. It's choosing healthy people and environments for you and your son. There should be no guilt attached to these things. You deserve them.