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A loser a screw up, the epitome of loser and losing

Old 10-12-2014, 02:11 PM
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A loser a screw up, the epitome of loser and losing

That is how this man feels, I've lost it all, I have nothing . I lost my daughter to CPS, they want me to do rehab but have offered no resources, if I do rehab I lose my apartment and power and everything that goes with it.

Every ounce of my energy is focused on wanting to get better. I do AA, I try to stay sober, I do what I gotta to do, but I feel like this is rigged game.

Yep, schizophrenic, paranoid delusional, no drinking, limited smoking, that is the road to recovery right? I don't feel like it, I want rehab, need rehab but screw myself if I do it, what answers? Where are there answers, what recovery?


What the hell does recovery look like? Happiness, a resolution! Really, depriving myself of everything, checking myself into a recovery center, and then being homeless and lost doesn't solve my issues.

Taking atypical anti psychotic medication, taking anti-depressants, taking anxilytotics, Yep the voices are gone, yep cutting dowon on smoking and drinking, but at least when I heard **** I had friends and I found a equilibrium.

Who else is going to tell you, they can't win they miss there own delusions. Being deluded isn't the end of the world, its the end of reality.

I am going to bad place, medicated and depressed and missing my life of delusion, at least ther I was somebody, going to work a temp job tomorrow, I want rehab but have bills. Others have told me rheab no matter what but rehab no matter what means losing my life all my stuff and starting from scratch....

Is that really the system wants it to be, really? TDG is medicated and sober, but really thinking about drinking tonight and just forgetting it all, he won't ever get his daughter back, get better, or get the things he needs. He loses, good day folks. Slid down the depressive hill and wanting to drink, can't drink,but nothing is getting better, go to 30 day rehab and lose my stuff and life, no winner here. I hate alcohol and mental illness and where I am at.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:17 PM
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That sounds very heavy. I don't really have anything to compare it to, but I can only say that alcohol made everything worse for me.

I hope things start looking up. Maybe a fresh start is your way out?
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:19 PM
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All I know Jeremy is alcohol is not going to fix or help things.

Every time I turned to alcohol in an attempt to solve life, it got even harder, it spiralled into something a whole lot worse, and I dug myself into a hole much much deeper to deal with.

Hang in there!! SR is here if you need to talk, post as much as you need!!
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:23 PM
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Where is your wife, Jeremy? Can she get your daughter back? Is there somewhere she and your daughter can go while you are in rehab? Drinking is a really dumb idea right now and you know that. It isn't going to help anything and could make things a whole lot worse.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:26 PM
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Hi Jeremy

If you want a different outcome you're going to need to take some different choices and make some difficult decisions.

That really is what being an adult and a dad and a husband really is, I think.

It's not going to be easy for you - it wasn't easy for me either - Sometimes in the difficult transition phase from addiction to recovery I almost convinced myself things were worse than when I was drunk and high...

but I trusted the people here who told me it got better...and it did

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Old 10-12-2014, 02:27 PM
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Jeremy, when I first got sober I hated myself and everything and everybody. It hurts at first. It can suck when you no longer have the safety of alcohol and your fantasies and delusions. I don't have schizophrenia, but I do understand delusional thinking.

I know it must be killer hard for you right now. I hope you let the part of you that wants things to be better win out over the more comfortable and familiar parts though.

We all were on shaky, new ground in sobriety before we ever grew into things. Please give yourself a real chance here. Rehab is NOT the end of the line. But you need your head on straight in order for any real change to stick.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:30 PM
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J there must be a way of getting real help

is there no way you could do rehab without being homeless in the process ?
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:36 PM
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I loved rehab, rehab gave me so much, respite from myself.

A break from myself and even though it took a while it gave me clarity and it probably saved my life...it is a time to breath and to learn how to breath again...

Another thing it gave me was value, for some reason the people who were paid to help me cared and their input into my wellbeing made me feel like I must be worthwhile at a time when I didn't.

There is nothing more important now than your health, everything else will follow...trust in that.

Take care.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:42 PM
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It's time to make the choice, I guess. And keep making it every day. Don't give in to it or accept defeat. Fight. Fight for your life and for your wife and daughter. There are no foregone conclusions here, you have a chance to make what you will of your life.
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Old 10-12-2014, 02:46 PM
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your lucky you have a computer and some where to go to have a rant my friend,

drinkers like me end up with no computer, no friends, no where to call a home, and no one left to love them

life is a bitch for a drunk there is no mistake

being sober is the art of living life a normaly life were we can cope with anything life will throw at us and just stay sober

many many millions of people are doing just that each and everyday

they can feel sorry for themselves and moan and grown about life, but where does it get anyone ?
does it actualy solve anything ?

its wasted energy my friend,

i shudder to think what my posts would of looked like when i had nothing left but a flat that was covered in my pee stains and stunk like a sewer

my kids were in care taken away from me because of how i lived my life with drink

i would of been ranting how unfair it is that everyone else in the world can drink and keep there kids but not me

when i tried to sober up my ex wife went off with another guy who drank so she could keep on drinking

i hated her and i guess i would of been ranting about how unfair she was to walk away from such a drunken bum as me ?

i used to own a business and had a lot of money and that all went as i stoped working and lived off my money always in my mind going to start work again but will do it tomorrow after i had finished the booze but of course all i did when the next day came was go off and buy more drink and promise myself it would be my last day of drinking

all anyone who loved me wanted me to do was to stop drinking and turn my life around,

i didnt want to as it meant giving up the only thing in the world that i thought was my cure to all the bad things in life DRINK

so like i have said i ended up in a flat with nothing left at all not even a computer with internet contention were i could rant and rave about how unfair life is to me

i ended up walking into aa and i was lucky to find people there who were kind to me but also honest and told me its up to me to start taking action each day, and everyday, i can come to aa and cry all i want but when i go out into the big bad world i have to not pick up that first drink no matter what happens, no matter how bad things are in life
i have to keep going one day at a time and hope that one day things will start to get better and that my mind will start to clear up to a point that i will start to see the truth about me

that was 10 years ago i walked into an aa room with my life in bits

after a year i managed to get my kids back out of care, not before a year and i certainly didnt get better over night so please dont expect to stay sober for a week and things will all turn around as they wont

it takes time, and after a year i got my kids back and in that year i also got a job so things in life started to take care of themselves so long as i just did the right things instead of the wrong ones, and more importantly i listened to those guys in aa who had been there and came out the other side

today i can get angry at the world since i lost my son who was only 16 years of age and he died in a horrible way with stomach cancer

but whats the point in me getting angry at anyone ??? its not going to bring my son back, its not going to change anything is it ?

i could go on happy pills but its not going to change anything either, so i have to face it and try to live one day at a time looking after my other kids and trying to live a peacful good life

at one time i would of been just like you screaming how unfair things are in this world and expecting someone else to fix my life for me

i had to grow up in aa and it really does work but like i said it takes time and a lot of effort on my part to just keep on plodding on

i know things look bad right now but in time so long as you stay sober and start to work on you i am sure things will turn themselves around, but if you drink on them then really nothing will ever change

good luck to you
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Old 10-12-2014, 03:16 PM
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Jeremy,

I've been on SR nearly a year. The outpouring of support I've seen for you surpasses anything I've seen during that time.

You have my support, too, you really do. The pain in your posts is undeniable and not one among us, if we are honest about what addiction did or could have done to us, cannot read them and know it could be or could have been us, now or at some point.

But I need to ask you a question: What do you want from SR? In your darkest moments, you've received compassion and heartfelt encouragement. When you've relapsed and/or not medicated, your bravado and descriptions of persecution have been met with candor and heartfelt encouragement. In response to your stated commitment to rehab and rebuilding, you get post after post reminding you of your value and heartfelt encouragement.

I'm starting to wonder -- fear, really -- this is enabling you on some level. You get so many "atta boys." And you need them; I get it.

Still, you've written at least two organizations have a waiting bed for you and nothing happens.

My concern for you is that while things seem to have hit rock bottom for you, they can get worse. You've said medical professionals have warned that your physical well-being is at risk. I won't recap the other things.

Jeremy, it has to be rehab. Now. Not "thinking about it" and not complaining that you've not been provided resources. You may have to start your life from scratch, but it's a start. And nothing bad ever came from a new beginning. I also am convinced that rehab is not going to focus only on your addictions and mental illness. There will be people there to help you rebuild -- housing, assistance for utilities, job hunting, financial matters. You're not the first person who has needed to rebuild a life as you get the help needed to treat your mental illness and put addiction into your past.

You can do this. You have to do this. Now. Stop worrying about the rest of it. It will be OK. People in your real life -- your life in rehab -- will help you rebuild. But you have to start on your new beginning now. Rehab isn't going to be where you lose things that really matter. It will be where you begin to regain them.

Now, Jeremy.
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Old 10-12-2014, 03:25 PM
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I am rather new to this forum (couple of weeks) and I have seen the outpouring of support you have gotten here. Frankly, it seems to fall on deaf ears. If in fact you are schizophrenic, you need to get that addressed ASAP. It sounds like you are dual-diagnosed, i.e., addicted and mentally ill. Many people are. I have up close and personal experience with this with a family member.

SR can only do so much. You have to do what it takes to get better, including addressing your mental state. IMO you need to hospitalized and stablized and then go into a long term rehab. Schizophrenia is a very serious disease. Don't mess around anymore. If your point in posting here is to hear people give you sympathy, you have that in spades. But that won't fix a thing! Good luck
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Old 10-12-2014, 03:56 PM
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I don't know what to say. I don't know about mental illness. All I know is what I feel. I feel like artfriend. I feel you need to straighten your head out with professional help. You absolutely have to get sober. I know, hard beyond words. But I don't see you having choices right now. You do this or you are gong to die Jeremy.
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Old 10-12-2014, 03:59 PM
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Jeremy I am praying for you to find an answer and take action. We are all with you - and have been for some time. Please try anything and everything to get help. It isn't too late to fix things and reclaim your life.
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Old 10-12-2014, 04:27 PM
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I think Venezia nailed it Jeremy. You aren't the first person to go to rehab with your life in an uproar, in fact most of the patients there will be in similar shoes. The pros there are used to helping patients figure out discharge logistics, in fact it is a big part of your treatment. There are a lot of resources out there and inpatient personnel are tapped in. You won't be dumped on the sidewalk when you are done. You will have some solid sober time under your belt, important tools, a plan and contacts. I did it and it was the best decision I ever made.

I had some medical considerations too and they were able to sort out my meds, what better place than under careful 24/7 watch. Get yourself there, make that your focus, let the rest of it go for now. You need to take care of yourself before you can take care of anyone else. And just think of all the other patients who will get to enjoy your sharp wit!
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Old 10-12-2014, 09:05 PM
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Hi Jeremy.

I hope things have been settling down a bit for you.

No one here is going to antagonize you or withdraw their support if you don't go to rehab right this minute. You've been around here long enough to know this. You've also been around here long enough to know that people sometimes get frustrated, and that their hearts break whenever someone doesn't get the help they need following a long and exhausting fight to do things on their own. Most of us are all too familiar with both frustration and heartache, and the pain is as real as anything you've been feeling lately, though, granted, not always as extreme.

What's even more obvious, I believe, is that you need a rest, a healthy break from reality as you currently know it. You need tender loving care, and nothing short of that will do. And you need to stop fighting it as hard as you do. Sometimes we need to fall apart in order to come together.

When you're in the middle of a storm, sometimes the best thing to do is to sit still, rather than continually trying to fight your way out of it. I don't at all believe that the fight is worth it any more, and I think it's been that way for a while.

I honestly don't know what else I can say to you.
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Old 10-12-2014, 09:41 PM
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If you're reading this TDG it seems like you view it as if you go to rehab you'll lose __________. But it looks to me like if you don't go to rehab you'll lose absolutely everything you love, not just an apartment. I understand that all of your options look bad but the one that lets you come out the other side healthy is the correct one.

Pulling for you, man. I hope to hear an update from you soon.
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Old 10-13-2014, 06:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Venecia View Post
Jeremy,

I've been on SR nearly a year. The outpouring of support I've seen for you surpasses anything I've seen during that time.

You have my support, too, you really do. The pain in your posts is undeniable and not one among us, if we are honest about what addiction did or could have done to us, cannot read them and know it could be or could have been us, now or at some point.

But I need to ask you a question: What do you want from SR? In your darkest moments, you've received compassion and heartfelt encouragement. When you've relapsed and/or not medicated, your bravado and descriptions of persecution have been met with candor and heartfelt encouragement. In response to your stated commitment to rehab and rebuilding, you get post after post reminding you of your value and heartfelt encouragement.

I'm starting to wonder -- fear, really -- this is enabling you on some level. You get so many "atta boys." And you need them; I get it.

Still, you've written at least two organizations have a waiting bed for you and nothing happens.

My concern for you is that while things seem to have hit rock bottom for you, they can get worse. You've said medical professionals have warned that your physical well-being is at risk. I won't recap the other things.

Jeremy, it has to be rehab. Now. Not "thinking about it" and not complaining that you've not been provided resources. You may have to start your life from scratch, but it's a start. And nothing bad ever came from a new beginning. I also am convinced that rehab is not going to focus only on your addictions and mental illness. There will be people there to help you rebuild -- housing, assistance for utilities, job hunting, financial matters. You're not the first person who has needed to rebuild a life as you get the help needed to treat your mental illness and put addiction into your past.

You can do this. You have to do this. Now. Stop worrying about the rest of it. It will be OK. People in your real life -- your life in rehab -- will help you rebuild. But you have to start on your new beginning now. Rehab isn't going to be where you lose things that really matter. It will be where you begin to regain them.

Now, Jeremy.
Amen.

Please read this again, Jeremy, and let it sink in.
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Old 10-13-2014, 07:18 AM
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Jeremy, my understanding is you are getting help/medication for your mental health issues.

You still need to stop drinking for good and rehab is available. You told me the Salvation Army said they had numerous spots available and to come. I understand you might lose your apartment and have to start over, but you would be in a good place to do that ie sober and medicated.
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Old 10-13-2014, 07:36 AM
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Starting over sober with a chance in life is better than going down the road you have been going in my opinion.

It's time....
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