XIIIXXIXXVI

Today I've been thinking a lot about "friends" and whether or not I'm the only one lacking them. I'm still in the early stages of my recovery but even so, I've had a lot of ah ha! moments where I realize things I need to separate myself from in people/situations that I guess my mind was too clouded to notice before. & when I do, I have no problem distancing myself and doing what's best for my sobriety but it's left me virtually alone [with the exception of groups like SR and a forum related to my line of work] because all my friends were either users or enablers. So, I gotta know... What's been you guys' experiences with friends on your road to recovery?

-B

LonelyShadow

It can be difficult but those sober friends ARE out there somewhere, as you build a sober life you will make sober friends

I find I start to isolate myself when I'm starting to feel low, it's something i'm learning to recognise and avoid

Stay sober and stay sociable is my advice

Anna

I found out something interesting when I was in very early recovery.

I knew instinctively I had to get rid of a few people in my life who were toxic to me. So, I did. What surprised me, was that within a few weeks, two amazing women entered my life, out of the blue. Both of these women became good friends and one of them was a true mentor to me. So, I believe that removing the toxic people made room for new friends to enter.

Cathryn2001

I hear you.

This past year has been a big awakening for me. I've had to remove a lot of unhealthy people from my life. My circle is now pretty small, but I know that it's genuine. My current friends are ones who respect my boundaries and are positive/encouraging. I also appreciate my own company in a whole new way, now.

Things will fall into place--you'll meet new people with similar interests. In the meantime, stay close to SR! Good luck to you!

XIIIXXIXXVI

LonelyShadow: It is difficult bc it'd be nice to have someone non-toxic I could reach out to if/when I wanted to hang out or talk... Guess I'll just be patient.

Anna: That's amazing! I really believe in the law of attraction. Your story's really reassuring! I'll just put my faith in that God knows who to attract to me and is working on doing just that.

Cathryn2001: I'm SO glad I found SR! By far the most welcomed and supported I've felt in a group setting. I will definitely be staying close

- B

EndGameNYC

?

XIIIXXIXXVI

Yes, EndGameNYC?

- B

MIRecovery

Let's face it. People that cared about me screwed up my drinking so the solution was to push everyone away. At the end with the exception of my wife who wanted to kill me I had no one.

Today because of my involvement with A A I have a few good friends and countless others I am close to

Dee74

I found most of my friends at the end were drinking buddies - but I made new friends and reconnected with old ones I'd drifted away from die to my drinking.

I'm sure you find the same as you build a new sober life, B.

and of course you'll always find support here

Aellyce

My version of it is the pattern I have seen in my whole life. There is indeed a strong component of looking for and recognizing similarities when it comes to attraction. What I have experienced is that I tend to attract people at varying levels of mental health and integrity that often matches mine... Means, when I was a heavy drinker: irresponsible, eccentric, secretive, living a double life - the people that I chose or that chose me, consciously or unconsciously, tended to mirror my own troubled mind and life (and least in certain aspects) quite strongly. Same in recovery, in a much healthier mindset and lifestyle - the old "friends" disappeared even without my having to detach myself from them (some said I became boring), and I recognize a pretty pleasant shift in what kinds of people are drawn to me naturally, I often don't even make any effort. I saw the same even before drinking became a problem and I lived a good, fulfilling life in my youth for years. I know that not everyone has this type of pattern of attraction and making interpersonal connections - there are many ways this can manifest - but a key element definitely seems to be that we tend to look for what's familiar. So in this context, the best strategy is to work on ourselves first, accept insight and help from others we respect and find as a positive influence... and then just go out to the world, explore, interact... the good friends will come almost as a "side effect" of our efforts.

You have just found SR, and you already sense there are many good and compassionate souls that will understand you. So, explore here, work on yourself, and the rest will fall in place if you let it happen and continue doing your part

Lusher

I use to get phone calls from many of my friends almost nightly on my days off. It was always to grab a beer. It was our thing. However, as time passed I realized, just like Dee74 said, they were really only drinking buddies. Even my relationships with my 'real' friends have changed.

I'm a guy. Guys go out for beers, that's what we do (did). Without that, I've come to learn that we really did not have anything else that we enjoyed doing other than drinking and bitching about silly things. We had BBqs, double dates, etc.. but those too were centered around drinks.

So not so much of a social life for me anymore. But as I look back, it was all really just a drunken haze anyhow. Some of it was fun and I do miss it, but at the end of the day I've come to realize that there's other stuff to enjoy, with or without former 'beer-buddies.' And as a fairly recent non-drinker, I'm still finding things that I enjoy.

robgt350

what a good post.

i often think of lacking in friends too. i have always been introverted and shy and slow to open up to people. now into sobriety, it is even more difficult. i often sit at home alone watching tv or doing something around my house.
i felt i meet some great people her SR but like most internet friendships, there is that distance factor.

owington

This seems a common topic that crops up again and again. I feel exactly the same as some of you and add to that none of my family speak to me anymore. There are a few people I see now and again during the week and people at work I talk to but apart from that I spend most of my time alone. It can be depressing but seeing other peoples stories gives me hope things will get better.

Hope4Life

Google - Sober Meet Up's and look for gatherings in your area. There are hikes and other activities listed with fun folks who are not drinking. The Sierra club also has hikes almost everywhere.

Personally, I have made many friends in AA and as far as having someone to talk to about difficult subject.... my sponsor is great!

I walked away from my 'drinking buddies' years ago and was isolating before I walked into my local AA fellowship. It was the best decision I have ever made.

The other place I have made friends is at the gym. Healthy pursuits make healthy relationships.

Good Luck!

MelindaFlowers

Healthy people attract healthy friends. When we are sober I think the friends will start showing up if we put ourselves out there a bit. What activities do you enjoy? Tennis, sewing, hiking? I heard a call similar to this on my favorite radio show recently. The host told the woman, who had attracted toxic addicts her whole life, to join a hiking club to meet new friends. She said that you'll rarely find addicts/low-lives/leeches hiking in the mountains.

Tang

You are not alone in lacking friends. My only friends are work friends and I don't hang out with them outside of work.

MavisTheFairy13

I didn't really have drinking buddies as I mainly drank at home. But don't have many friends due to circumstances and depression. I've used drink in the past to numb the loneliness and often wonder what is wrong with me. Everyone else seems to have a group of friends they all meet up together and do things (dinner, cinema) or a couple of close friends they can call on anytime. I've never had that.

XIIIXXIXXVI

"I heard a call similar to this on my favorite radio show recently. The host told the woman, who had attracted toxic addicts her whole life, to join a hiking club to meet new friends. She said that you'll rarely find addicts/low-lives/leeches hiking in the mountains." MelindaFlowers that was EPIC! & so true!

So then I think the common theme here is that although some of us are introverts and some of us are extroverts, everyone seems to have undergone changes with their inner circle. Maybe that's what I'm experiencing right now... I guess like haennie said, I tend to surround myself with people who reflect whatever path I'm on at the time. Makes a lot of sense!

-B

gleefan

When I got sober, I pushed away from folks who displayed toxic behavior. It didn't leave many people in my social circle. In recovery, I find that I'm incredibly selective about who I let into my life.

DoubleDragons

I had a lot of drinking buddies and terrible boundaries, so everyone and their grandmother became "my new best friend." We had to move to another state for my husband's job and internally I knew that I wanted changes in my life even though I hadn't quit drinking when we moved. Ironically, I attracted new "party crowd" people into my life and got very close to a friend who showed herself to be a hardcore alcoholic from almost the beginning of our friendship. So, it became apparent to me that until I really got to know "the real me" by cleaning up my act, quitting drinking, and figuring out "my stuff", I needed to put most new friendships on the backburner. My closest friends are my husband and a group of college friends but we live all over the US, so they are not a daily part of my life. I read on SR recently that it is better to have 4 quarters than 100 pennies when it comes to friends. Quality beats quantity by a longshot. I agree with that whole-heartedly. So, while I am opening up to people and slowly forming new friendships, I am not jumping in haphazardly. I don't want to mess with myself or hurt others this way ever again. I have learned to be a very good friend to myself so honestly, the rest is all gravy and I am very much at peace with the current state that I am in, in regards to friendships.