PinkCloudsCharley

He's in a typical drinking mood (frustrated, tired, grumpy. "I give and give and give and no one appreciates" rants) and against my better judgement I went downstairs and smelled his cup. I think he has been drinking. I'm not far enough along in the book to understand what to do next. We are supposed to go to my mom's for Thanksgiving supper. Do I ask him to not come along? That would end up in a fight. Do I ignore the fact I think he has been drinking? he's upstairs having a nap right now.

How do I handle this?

PinkCloudsCharley

I ended up bringing the cups,old take out.containers and popcorn bowls upstairs and put them in the dishwasher. Not sure if I handled that right, and he's still asleep so it'll be a while before he finds out. Tired of having the basement look like a pigsty with empty pop cans and old plates of food. I hate going downstairs because that's where he drinks. Too many bad memories and feelings.

BlueChair

Hi,

sorry I wasnt reading earlier. Hope your ok !!

His man cave sounds like its become a place he feels safe drinking. I wont touch that one for now, but repurposing the room might ease his triggers when hes ready.

The book gives guidelines but not answers. In chapter 2 as you work on the road map there is a point about remembering the knowledge you already have regarding his drinking patterns. How does this normally go ? He drank, he is sleeping it off. Will it lead to more drinking and getting drunk? Is he already drunk? When triggers have started the GYLOS book says
at this point you have two objectives.

The first and foremost important it so remain safe. "If your loved one is showing any signs of violence, you need to implement your safety plan. If safety is not an issue your second objective becomes prime and that is do nothing to encourage further drinking" from GYLOS

So you look at your behaviors and you look at your feelings is what I take from this.

Based on the pattern, how will his going to dinner turn out? Will it help him regain control, or is it an emotional trigger, and normally leads to more drinking. How do you feel about him going? Or your going alone? Remember you have the right to a pleasant evening with your family on this special day!

The hard part is communicating this, and its based on the interactions and patterns already set. Can you ask him if he would feel more comfortable staying home, is it too emotional for him to go? You can respect this. Or would it help him to go and get out of his head? Then relating how you feel and reaching an agreement. Or if it turns negative, then sticking to what you need to do for yourself and your kids. I would say go to your family alone, and do your best to enjoy the evening.

BUT Sad as it is this is a good example of mapping, and identifying triggers. You knew he was triggered yesterday, and he tried not give in according to what you described, but in the end, couldn’t do it.

PinkCloudsCharley

Actually, how it turned out was completely different than how it usually does!!

First, after he woke up, he went out. When he came home he headed straight downstairs. Typical. But this is where it started to change. He came upstairs again and I told him how much I would like family time. It was strained, and he made some sarcastic comments but stayed upstairs. After a bit, DS got him smiling and laughing and we had a lot of fun. When I took DS upstairs to get ready to go to my mom's, DD took over and went downstairs with Ah to spend some time together, something that has been seriously lacking. Ah didn't drink anymore, we went to my mom's and had a good time. Ah is out with dd right now, she has her learners license and is practise driving.

So while he did drink this morning, I'm thinking it wasn't a whole lot and we weren't past the point of no return. I am amazed at how just realizing when Ah is "in danger" and doing things to turn it around really does work!

It's a lot of work, emotionally, for me, because I automatically went to that place in my head where I was angry with him and it took a lot to put that aside and start to interact positively. I need to work on that. Ah really seems to respond to positive reinforcement (who doesn't)! I never realized before exactly how much power I hold within me to change my circumstances!

TheDreamer

Sovery, I'm so glad to hear it turned out better than how it normally would. That is WONDERFUL. I'm in the same boat with you in regards to the emotions: it's hard to get a handle on them. Hard to dig deep in yourself and do your best to stay positive even though in the past all you did was cry or hurt or get hurt or stay angry or yell and shout and fight. It's easy to fall in that line, but I see it as breaking myself of this habit. This negative habit: I'm really vicious when I'm upset. Really, terribly vicious. I sometimes wonder where that anger and hate comes from, but I digress. Anyways! So I'm doing my best to recognize when I'm so upset to the point of no return and change it in me. When I react with love and compassion, my A reacts with love and compassion to. When I react with anger, he reacts with guilt and sadness, thus leading to more drinking because the bottle doesn't yell at him. I guess...we're trying to seduce our As away from the bottle. That bottle will soothe and whisper sweet nothings. But we can whisper sweeter things. We can help them find REAL happiness. Not temporary or fake joy.

BlueChair

Excellent!

I agree there is a lot of emotional work on our side. I feel like it takes a lot of introspection and looking at the whole of the relationship too. Ive been learning a lot about myself going through the process, and it feels good to have better control of my emotions. One of my big things is I dont want to avoid anything comes my way because Im unable to sort out my own emotional self. I want to develop good coping skills, rational thinking because I think it will help me in every aspect of life.

In the book it says to follow the three P's practice, practice, practice. I think this is true. One thing ive got from this is once again to be careful of my own emotions especially when trying to turn the negatives into positives, locating the danger signs, approaching the yellow lights. There will obviously be times when it doesnt turn out as well and I think this is when its easy to get frustrated. I did all this xxx and he still did this negative xxx. But I have to remember there is a lot of complex stuff going on in him, and he has the hard part of changing his behavior. I think to myself, if its tough for me, its got to be harder for him. So Im solid in understanding Im not changing him, Im changing the dynamics and he is rising and better matching his environment. Another reason why it hurt a little a few weeks back when he didnt tell me about meeting up with the ex drug friend. I was partially upset because I felt like maybe he thinks Im not in control of my emotions and couldnt handle it. PhFFT to that, I worked it out and felt peace. 95% peace at least

PinkCloudsCharley

This, this, this, 1000 times over. I have found this to be so very true with AH. When I was practicing detachment, he would drink even more, because I "turned my love off" and he finds the bottle to be his lover. His words, even. I can't "detach with love", with me, when I detach, I turn everything off. I really need to work on my own anger and frustration so that I can honestly respond positively and lovingly instead of wanting to chop him into little pieces and feed him to the dog.

PinkCloudsCharley

That's awesome, Blue, that you were not only able to work through that incident, but also to feel so peaceful after. There are a lot of complex emotions, I'm finding, a lot of jumping to conclusions on my part, reading into things that aren't there. I told our counselor I would trust AH with my life, but I couldn't trust him not to drink. That is a very confusing thing for me. At night, I can't sleep properly because I'm trying to smell alcohol on him even when I'm sleeping. How crazy is that? I want to trust and believe but that is going to take some time and I guess I have to be as patient with myself as I am with him.

It's hard when he's been drinking and explains in detail, at the top of his lungs, how I am the sole reason for his drinking. When he is sober, and things are going well, a little evil voice inside me says, don't trust, don't believe, he will hurt you again, he can't make it without drinking, it's his true love. I need to really work on that.

PinkCloudsCharley

We are hoping to make the basement into DD's area when she's in university, which is coming so quickly, she's already 15! But I'm starting to feel if/when we get past this and onto true recovery, we might have to move. My feelings about that basement are so strong and so negative, and everything in the house reminds me of his drinking - the holes in the walls, the chips out of the wood floor where he has thrown things. I'm hoping if he truly stops drinking, we will save a lot of money and can put that towards a different place. He doesn't know that yet tho, because he already feels too much pressure.

allforcnm

And this would get you arrested too.. LOL

Try not to be so hard on yourself You've been through a lot, and I think those feelings you have are protective responses based on past history. It will take time for this to change, and he has to do his part too.

I think if your both able to do therapy it will help. You will be able to work through some of this on your own, and then in the safety of marriage counseling session you will be able to share these feelings of pain, fear, anger. The therapist will help direct all of it... at least this is how it worked for us.

PinkCloudsCharley

Thanks, Allfor. I am so not patient with myself. And AH expects trust to be there no matter what. I struggle with not letting it show, because it would upset him. and then I struggle with that, lol ... perhaps he should see that I have problems trusting him. He always says I allow his bad points to erase his good points but that's not true, if it was, I'd be looooooong gone. I think he just wants total forgiveness without having to feel the pain from it, if that makes sense. And I can't do that at the moment.

We are seeing a counselor, but he's hard to get in to see. And he's gone for the whole month of November. We've seen him together, and I've seen him alone. Hopefully there will be a cancellation so AH can see him, and then our regular scheduled next appointment will be Dec. What is awesome is he has suggested medical help, and AH has said that may not be a bad idea. so now I'm hoping and praying AH can see him soon and they can start to look into that. AH is doing a good job of not drinking at the moment, for the most part, but he hasn't even begun to address the underlying issues of why he drinks. And that's what needs to happen before we can start to work on our marriage.

allforcnm

For me it definitely helped when we had a plan in place. It sounds like you have agreed on how to get started with the therapy.. but I think when he meets with his doctor and can actually say to you with certainty Im committed to this.. then you start to see him following his plan (even if it gets tweaked along the way) it will help you rebuild trust. I don't think its reasonable for him to expect you to have full trust in him right now, not regarding the drinking issue..

Ive shared this little analogy of the "emotional trust bank" before, and I forgot where I saved it but I found this online tonight and I liked the article and the points in there.. it also mentions the trust bank as one of the items.. Our husbands took a lot of withdrawals from the trust bank... so its getting low.. they are lucky if it hasn't been totally depleted.. LOL... if you think about it, how many deposits has your husband been making INTO the bank recently... so until he builds it back up.. ??


Strengthening Families in Times of Crisis
Stephen R Covey

I was in Dallas on Monday, May 4 to make a presentation on strengthening families in times of crisis. Gathered in the room were people who have recently lost their jobs and find themselves looking for new work in a very tough environment. This gathering, of course, was a snapshot of millions of people all over the U.S. and in many parts of the world due to the economic crisis that has gripped us.

Being out of work and looking for work can have a troubling impact on families. The mounting stress, pressure and worries often impact a person’s ability to be the kind of spouse or parent they would like to be. Communication might break down. Fighting or quarrels might increase in your relationships. And family members might feel neglected, scared or withdrawn.

In such situations, I counsel people to remember who are the most important people in their lives and what matters most to them Yes, being out of a job might have you in a crisis, but your family is your most precious possession. So what can you do to strengthen your family in times of trouble?

There are three things that I encourage everyone to do with their families in good times or bad:

1.Write a family mission statement—identify what kind of family you want to be. For instance, what qualities define your family, what kinds of feeling do you want in your home, how do you want to build relationships? Get everyone involved in these questions and write something that describes your family and how you want to be.

2.Hold weekly family meetings—gather your family once a week to talk about issues, problems or good things in your family. Refer to your mission statement to see how you are doing. Enjoy this time together; do something fun.

3.Remember the emotional bank account—similar to a bank account, you can make deposits or withdrawals from each of your family relationships. Make a conscious effort to make meaningful deposits in your relationships. When you make a withdrawal, apologize and correct the mistake.

As you do these things, you will find your relationships strengthened in your family. You will take control of your life and your family’s life rather than being tossed away by the storms of problems or crises that come your way. With a strong family, you will be more effective in your job search and your family will be your greatest source of strength and support.

For more ideas on strengthening families you may interested in reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Families or other good books on the subject

Restoring Trust Can be an Enormously Positive Adventure
Stephen R Covey

When examining the great losses we’re seeing in the global financial crisis, one thing is very clear: one of the greatest losses we feel is broken trust. But all is not lost. It is a challenging path and a time consuming one, but trust can be re-built and restored.

In any given situation, both personal and in professional life, I think that the process of restoring trust can be an enormously positive adventure because you can redeem yourself and create newness. For example, when you have a broken relationship with someone, you have to learn to acknowledge your role in it, apologize, and have humility. Then you need to find a way to involve the person in a process of coming up with a new relationship.

I sometimes use the metaphor of an Emotional Bank Account. Like a financial bank account, you can make deposits and take withdrawals from the account. When you make consistent deposits, out of your integrity and out of your empathy—that means your understanding of what deposits and withdrawals are to other people—those two things—empathy and integrity—that little by little you can restore trust.

Think of your own crisis you may dealing with—perhaps a broken trust at work or at home or with a friend—and think of how you can restore trust in the relationship. Examine your Emotional Bank Account with this person; it’s most likely strained because of withdrawals. Make a commitment to start making deposits that matter most to that person, and do it. Little by little, even with small deposits, you will find that the account will grow. It may take time. But over time you will find the cumulative effect of the deposits. Slowly, depending on the severity of the broken trust, you can find trust being re-built and restored, and new relationship will be born. Of course, this also depends on the other person, but you can choose to do your part regardless of the other person—to focus on your circle of influence. And you will find some peace, knowing that you’ve done your part.

Reach out to someone today with whom you have a strained relationship or someone whose relationship needs strengthening. Make a deposit in their Emotional Bank Account…and commit to continuing the deposits. And don’t forget making deposits in your strong, high-trust relationships—it’s what keeps them strong! Enjoy the adventure!

PinkCloudsCharley

That is very valuable information, Allfor. Thank you. I thin I need to print that out.

BlueChair

I like these articles too. All these are good, but Ive never thought of the family mission statement before, I love it, and can see husband getting on board to write one out.

1.Write a family mission statement—identify what kind of family you want to be. For instance, what qualities define your family, what kinds of feeling do you want in your home, how do you want to build relationships? Get everyone involved in these questions and write something that describes your family and how you want to be.

2.Hold weekly family meetings—gather your family once a week to talk about issues, problems or good things in your family. Refer to your mission statement to see how you are doing. Enjoy this time together; do something fun.

3.Remember the emotional bank account—similar to a bank account, you can make deposits or withdrawals from each of your family relationships. Make a conscious effort to make meaningful deposits in your relationships. When you make a withdrawal, apologize and correct the mistake.